She will not die, that’s the Willis promise. But I think “okay” may have left her rocky shores a long long time ago and isn’t expected back for a long while to go. Hell, even in the best case scenario of getting anti-depressants and having the first one work, that’s still a month in comic before they’ll start doing anything for her, and a month’s basically the entire comic up to this point.
The anti-depressants work on you, not on your social circle which you pushed wide away. There is a whole slowly established and self-reinforcing isolation network buffering you off. Granted, Carla has given it a solid kick. But it’s not likely to settle too far from where it started.
I don’t know…I’ve seen people freak out over “spoilers” when a creator said something like, “You’ll be really nervous at the end” or “bring a box of tissues with you,” so… :/
Announcer: It’s been a hard battle but these nine contestants will be able to move onto the next round and compete against each other!
Carla, Sal, Danny, Sarah, Amber, Ethan, Becky, Joyce and Mary!
They will spend the next rounds attempting to defeat each other!
And Now for the 10th (I’ve been counting wrong “whoops!”) DOA Tournament battle!
Sarah Clinton vs. Joyce Brown!
Sarah: I don’t really care about winning all that much, I just want to see how much you’ve grown.
Joyce: Thanks, this should be a fun fight!
Sarah: Now then, remember to hold the correct stance.
Joyce: Only you would give your opponent a lesson, while you were fighting them.
Sarah: All right than, OTHER JACOB 2!
Sarah comes swinging at Joyce, with her famed weapon, Joyce ducks and blocks with her WWJD wristband. She pulls out a pair of sharpened crosses as attacks Sarah with them, who leaps back.
Sarah: You have grown… Beyond me.
Joyce: Your saying I’m better than you.
Sarah: I could never compare, I can see in your eyes a fierceness that you aren’t showing. You’ve been holding back.
Joyce: I have been?
Sarah: When you were fighting Dina, you could have ended that battle way sooner, yet you chose to drag it out. I don’t even know if your doing it on purpose!
Joyce: News to me.
Sarah: Okay then.
Sarah attacks Joyce with a flurry of attacks
Sarah: FIGHT ME JOYCE BROWN…IT’S THE ONLY WAY I CAN KNOW…IF YOU CAN BE THE ONE TO DEFEAT HER!
Joyce blocks the attacks.
Joyce: DEFEAT WHO!?
Sarah: MARY BRADFORD!
Joyce: Mary?
Sarah: You watched her battle with Billie, you know how dangerous she is. The only reason I came into this tournament…
Sarah leaps into the air and smashes down with Other Jacob 2, Joyce blocks with her crosses.
Sarah: WAS TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE STRONG ENOUGH!
Sarah does a backflip and lands a few meters away.
Sarah: Now fight me, as I know you can.
The two run at each other, Joyce slashes with her crosses, while Sarah slashes with Other Jacob 2.
They stand with their backs to each other for a second before a wound opens in Sarah’s stomach.
Joyce: You held back.
Sarah: No I didn’t.
Joyce: but I did.
Sarah: So you finally understand. Defeat her Joyce Brown, as I know you can.
Why? Such a pointless question. It was the goal of Willis to create the Ultimate commenter. Or perhaps it’s the blood of comments, Slipshine and butts disease flowing through my veins that drives me thus.
I’d be interested to see what you were intending to link. Give it another shot, O Jason-Faced One.
(Fitting that you’d get him while screwing something up.)
I just realised on this reread that the questions Billie asks Joyce after examining the glass are the sort of questions you’re taught to ask in first aid training. Which probably means she’s working off of more than just experience there.
I’m gonna guess that she had the awful life experience first and then took the first aid course to be better at what she does second. It’s also my headcanon that she’s been trying to google some stuff on how to care for a person with depression since Ruth first emphasized that.
Cerb: I dunno. Oh, I can believe she got some of her knowledge at the school of hard knocks, sure. But being proactive with Ruth by doing research? She wasn’t exactly googling stuff on how to get a homeless person some shelter. I’m thinking she has some prior experience with depression, too, being appointed big sister to an entire high school cheerleading squad.
I get the impression that a lot of what Billie does is instinct, because she never goes to get Ruth outside help, other than herself. Trying to handle everything oneself is a natural impulse, but it’s a total newbie mistake!
Any website research would’ve directed her to more skillful resources (like Crisis Services, campus Mental Health services, etc), rather than going the route of Lesbian Suicide Pact.
Billie is doing the damn best that anyone can alone. I wish she would realize that they needn’t be alone.
She is. Having been there. You feel nothing in the moment, but when you do emerge from the pit, you strongly remember the people who wouldn’t let you drown down there.
And after kicking yourself for “imposing” that on them and general self-hatred, you remember that kindness when things do get better.
on the plus side i have no ex’s to talk about. on the negative side I have no clue how to go about things right now so i am sure i will fail to get a date for a while much less have a good one.
Be yourself, talk about what interests both of you, be attentive but have boundaries for yourself, and always remember that if things aren’t clicking, there’s no shame in bailing.
a) Be honest.
b) Ask about them.
c) If there is a lull in the conversation you can try to insert a funny anecdote about yourself.
d) If things aren’t clicking afterwards, make it clear that is how you feel so there is no miscommunication of interest.
e) view all aspects of dating as practice, in which you totally earn XP for trying anything new. Did you ask somebody on a date? Awesome, you get to put xp in asking people on dates! Hooray.
That’s not a reliable indicator. Could be phantom pain. One of the most overrated feelings is phantom heroism. You think of all the great things you’d do when called upon. Feels very real, but just isn’t there when it would make a difference. Another great one is phantom compassion. And phantom magnamity. The rich can afford themselves the most charitable thoughts because they carefully shield themselves from coming into situations where they would be relevant.
I know this is really sad and stuff but like, I thought that Ruth’s eye was a mole and that her hair was covering her eyes and now I’ve realized the truth and I’m too amused to be sad
Oof, always the fun part, starting to rationally process how things are going to go without you, and you start to look for the positive reasons why you should die.
That’s always the stage that bumps me back into determination. Maybe I’m just egotistical, but I tend to expect being gone would have some unfortunate effects on a few people, even if it toughened others up in a good way.
This. I’m not sure if I can ever believe that my positive influence outweighs my negative or burdensome, but the few people it would hurt mean so much, I know it would be the most selfish thing I could ever do. It’s a long defeat, but you keep fighting, because I know how it feels to blame yourself for someone’s death, and I will *never* allow another person to feel that on my account.
*hugs* I’m glad it’s behind you! I’m still working through it, with better and worse day (today was bad, for example), but I’ve not been actively suicidal now in a few years and every day I stick around is a day that my darkest times are further in the past.
Yup, this one was rough for that exact reason. When things were really bad and especially when a lot of people in my life were seeing me as a thing to throw away, it got really really easy to believe that killing myself was going to be a kindness to them, a way to give them freedom from my ball and chain.
And yeah, really glad to no longer be in that pit.
Also *hugs* to all my fellow survivors of the pit. You are all amazing wonderful people and I’m glad you all made it through.
im still climbing out of the pit its hard as balls and i constantly want to give up but my pride keeps me from doing so id never want this feeling on my worst enemy
I really like that. Spooning can be so important and healing. It’s intimate without necessarily being sexual and it’s a way when comforting a person with depression to say, I’m here, I’m not going to abandon you, I think you have value.
Ruth doesn’t have the feels, but that’s because they’ve leaked out and are overwhelming everyone in the area. Carla got a dose. Billie’s absorbed most of them, but there’s still enough left to threaten Walky.
Every time this comic has made me stop dead, with a lump in my throat, reading one set of lines over and over again, it’s because of Ruth. This is one of those times.
I too had the same experience. I felt a grim vibe “well this is a downer”
And then i read the last panel and i watered up. If simultaneously made me feel better and have me that too close to home vibe.
Canada is replete with ways to make it look like an accident. Frostbite, lumberjacking accident, bear attack, rampaging moose, maple syrup toxicity… the wonder is that ANYONE is alive north of the US border.
“Howie lives with my grandfather. He won’t be old enough to escape to college until next year.”
Part of what’s been driving her depression or possibly her holding on has been the knowledge that Howie has a little longer to get free from their grandpa’s awfulness and given a later conversation where Howie says hey, it’s not that bad and we get new stuff faster, it’s clear she’s also very worried about how he doesn’t seem to notice how abusive their grandpa has been*.
*Which makes me very curious to see this explored further. Was the grandpa “selectively” abusive to Ruth because she’s the girl, does Howard just not have a healthy model of family in memory to compare his life-experiences with, or is it the classic abuser trick of abusing one family member and rewarding another so that you can gaslight the abused family member and get the favored one to back you up?
Nah. He’s a minor, there’s nothing he can do, it will probably make Ruth feel incredibly guilty for getting him involved, and he might tell ‘Sir’ (presumably the grandfather), from whom a call already set Ruth on a drinking frenzy on camera. If she is hospitalized, then maybe, although I’d hope Billie would contact him and explain rather than ‘a call home’ be made.
Although, in general, it might be good for someone to be keeping tabs on how Howard is at home. Up until today’s comic, I actually kind of assumed it was the dynamic where the daughters are treated like shit but sons are either treated alright or at least with indifference, since he didn’t seem much bothered about going home to there before.
(also, ‘if she is hospitalized’ applies to calling him today/tomorrow. If she isn’t hospitalized, calling him if she’s a bit more functional in a few days (or weeks), or at least more up to talking, wouldn’t be a bad idea)
You just do what you need to do to get through now. Later will be better. It probably feels like this time is worse than all the other times. But it felt like that last time, too.
Besides, the wight of failure dies like any other wight! Just whack it over the head with a lit torch, and make sure you’ve got a broom and dustpan handy to sweep up the ashes 🙂
*hugs* Take care of yourself, yeah? You may think you’re a failure, but no failure is so huge, none, that you can’t come back from it. Like, I’ve fucked my life up SO BADLY and I’m still here. You can do it, too, I believe in you <3
There’s also no indication in earlier strips that the door ever got closed. It was clearly still open when Billie approached the bed, and there’s no reason to think she turned around and closed it between strips before climbing in.
Looks like we are all wrong! I was referring to the strip 2 days ago vs this one (mostly the highlight on the bedpost and skin) but based on the next strip, I guess the light is from the window. My bad!😅
But Mousie, thou art no thy-lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!
Still, thou art blest, compar’d wi’ me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But Och! I backward cast my e’e,
On prospects drear!
An’ forward tho’ I canna see,
I guess an’ fear!
From “To a Mouse” by Robert Burns. His poetry about not knowing the future, accepting that things may go wrong, and trudging on anyway helped pull me out of a depressive funk not entirely dissimilar from Ruth’s. After all, the best laid plans o’ mice and men gang aft agley (go oft astray.)
*hugs* Same, I feel this. It’s kind of amazing when you see what’s going on in your head so accurately reflected in fiction, right? Depression makes you tend to think you’re the only one and no one else feels like that, ever. And then you see someone else nail it and you’re like…… WHOA.
*reads this panel* hahaha this is lit my life but instead of getting some kind of support i get abandoned by all my friends ohhh great times (p.s. affection/whatever is not welcome)
When read this comment last night I thought”this is troubling but as someone who often needs to brood and think before i can accept compassion i can respect the not wanting internetsympathy/hugs/WhateverOtherAbstractOfferingofReachingOutOnline” so i left it alone. Now having slept and gone to work and rethinking about this comment i thought “this person is in trouble and could be dead and no one reached out.” You may protest any attempts at empathy online but i find it unacceptable to say nothing. For many that silence is reaffirming of all their fears, doubts, anger, sorrow or desire to no longer be alive.
There are many who come to this site feeling or living and maybe overcoming something familiar to what may be your personal hell now.Empathy is understanding of someone else’s situation and that is invaluable regardless of the form it comes in. Someone noticed someone hopes you make it out of the turmoil you’re in and be in a better place.
I hope this message does not upset you, but you need to know that you are not alone. Not as long as someone somewhere empathizes.
“The only way I could be more incapable of getting out of bed is if you rolled your fat ass on top of me and pinned me underneath you with your elephantine physique.”
I just spent my weekend putting my heart back together and you broke it again David. Goddamnit Willis. I swear I WILL be immune to your feels-trip someday.
And tonight, Grav Roulette has given me…. Jason. Again.
Yeah, okay, Jason’s my number 2. (No, not like that.) But I already HAVE a hash for Jason, I don’t need another one. I’m not sure you understand the point of this exercise, Grav Roulette.
What can I say about Jason that I haven’t already?
How about his sense of style? I know, I know, “WHAT style?” Well think about it. It takes a great deal of dedication to wear a sweater vest, slacks, and bow tie every day, when all of your peers and half of your professors just wear jeans and a t-shirt. Question his taste all you want, but the choice is clearly deliberate and he’s clearly sticking with it.
When you start really thinking about your wardrobe, your choices are all about signalling. What you wear shapes the opinions, expectations, and emotions of the people you interact with, often in subtle or even unconscious ways.
Do you keep on top of the latest fashion trends and signal that you are on the ball and aware of what’s going on, or do you spurn them for classical styles and signal independence and steadfastness? Do your color choices calm emotions or inflame them or change them?
Jason’s clearly trying to project the image of intellectual academia mixed with formalism. The bow tie is the archetypal example of this, and the sweater-vest echoes that nicely. Vests project a constrained image — they say, this is someone who’s got themselves under control and won’t let their impulses get in the way of their job. The underlying white shirt is a mix of purity — here, purity in function and in role. The bluish-grey indicates a staid, neutral, judicious rationality. The red of the bow-tie is garish and draws the eyes. Normally a tie should redirect attention towards the face while complimenting a person’s complexion, but here the tie directs attention towards itself…. putting a huge exclamation point on Jason’s identity in intellectual academia. I think he’s trying too hard (or hasn’t thought it through enough), but he sends a clear message with his clothes. A blue bow tie would be better, though. It would send the same message but more subtly, without beating us over the head with it.
I’ve been thinking to going to work in finance, as an accountant or an actuary, and if so I’d likely adopt a three-piece wardrobe myself, with bow-ties. Yes, it’s the stereotype, but it’s a comforting stereotype. Conforming to expectations sends the signal that, yes, I’m who you think I am and I can do the work you expect me to do. That’s a good message to send and if it helps make people around me become comfortable in our working relationship, then mission accomplished. I’d probably go for blues, green tints, and greyscale, with a bit of gold (more likely brass) here and there. That suits my hair color a bit better and is more suited in its subconscious connections to finance than pure academia. Definitely no warm colors (except gold/brass), and I’d avoid purple and, for that matter, bright hues. Shades and washed-out tints only.
…
… I swear I’m straight. I don’t ALWAYS know how to communicate properly with stereotypes!
Heh, went through that one as well. Being ace and trans and having the “wrong type” of attractions to women really didn’t dissuade people’s assumptions.
“Why, no, I’m neither making crash sexual remarks about the semi-nude scenes in this movie which are clearly more about body alienation than audience titillation, nor am I engaging with you when you make them, but I am instead attempting to appreciate this for the coming-of-age story that it is despite the dstractions. Why yes, that obviously must mean I’m not into women.”
Confused the fuck out of me when I was younger, especially since I actually am romantically attracted to women. Even more confusing because everyone saw it as so “obvious” that no one bothered to tell me that that was the reason they were bullying me.
It definitely wasn’t as bad as me, because I AM sexually attracted towards women, and that privilege saved me from loads of crap. But the emotional component is important to me. It doesn’t have to be deep-relationship emotion, but a young topless woman staring at her breasts in the mirror and wishing they’d be smaller because puberty body changes are creepy doesn’t fall into my “okay things are getting sexy now” category.
Doesn’t hold a candle to what you went through, but it did definitely make me less comfortable watching movies… or sharing anything, really… with that group.
And you know what? They didn’t bully me, which I’d say was cool but really is just basic decency that shouldn’t deserve praise or even comment except the world sucks. It was six guys… one of whom I think was bi but never cared enough to ask… and three girls, two of whom were bi and one was either bi or pure lesbian. Queer-bashing wouldn’t have been a problem. But the aggressive sexualization was just part of their tone and culture and I didn’t fit in. Also, I objected to being… misoriented? Is that even a word? Not because I would object to being gay, but because that isn’t me. … and I’m a bit OCD and every wrong statement needs correcting.
Oh man, that just made me feel… a lot of feelings. I’ve had a really shitty day, like, maybe one of the worst I’ve had this year. And I cried a lot and hated my life and doubted myself and it was just… too much and my depression was flaring up big time. My head still hurts, hours later, from how much I cried today.
But then I had two friends who were just there for me, no questions asked, just loving and supportive and kind. And that was the best feeling in the world and I very much will remember the support from my friends more, later, in a month, a year, 5 years, than I will the negativity.
So yeah. This strip is a lot today. And I just cried again, but, like… cathartically. What a bookend to my day from hell. Thank you for this.
Seriously, this is hitting me kinda hard. I finally got on anti-depressants last week and now that they are taking effect I’m kinda pissed that the funk I have been in for over 40 years could have gone away with just a pill every evening. This makes me angry for people like Ruth who are going through the same thing as I was before the pills. And I know that it’s not like that for everyone that a pill makes it “go away” and for all I know I will have to add more meds for other things that were masked by the depression. I just know that the difference between now and before is like night and day.
Good that meds are working. You’ve mentioned some of the bs that you’ve dealt with, so the issue ins’t just chemical imbalances. Hopefully you won’t be stuck on them for 40+ years.
I’m glad the medications working. And yeah, I feel you. It was shocking how much I could access my life and brain again once on them. It really sucks how people are discouraged from medicine, despite how critical it can be to simply function.
I was “functioning” pretty well most of the time, except when I wasn’t, but I could still manage to feed and dress myself. What angers me is now that I’m on meds I realize that what I thought was “happy” was really just “not as depressed as before”. I honestly do not remember what “happy” really feels like now. And it has been that way for 40 years. And TBH that makes me a bit angry for all that wasted time.
I’m not sure I’ve fully excavated happy, but I did see the dramatic change in just being able to think at all. It was shocking how much of my brain was being used up just stuck in suicidal ideation and how removing that weight freed me up to get a lot more done with a lot less mental work.
My (most recent) too close to home strip was a couple of days ago, and it was too personal to really post about, but just skimming the comments I can see this is it for a lot of people. So for all y’all who have already or will post on today’s comic saying this was the one, and for those who feel that way and have not and won’t say it, *hugs*, I hope you are in a better place or on your way there, or that your affected friend or partner is, and it sucks that things are hard.
As a hotline crisis counselor. . . those last two panels hit my feels right in the guts. Thank you. Those panels describe exactly what it feels like to be “holding the hand” of someone on the lines who is at that emotionally numb state. You want to help, you want to heal, make it “all better”, but you know that at that exact moment nothing you say will do any of those things. So you just sit with them in that moment. It’s a scary feeling of helplessness. So tempting to fill that emotional void with your own emotions, to talk, to reassure, to promise, cajole, beg…. I love that you did none of those things, just had Billie tell her she was there and that she cared in the best way she could without her minimizing Ruth’s pain.
Truthfully I care for all my callers, but sometimes it is the numb, flat voiced ones who terrify me far more than those who are yelling or crying. That sound of utter defeat in their voices breaks my heart. I have had callers who needed emergency help sent, and while on the phone with them there’s this sort of robotic “Oh, the police are here” response. Those haunt me. We don’t always know what happens after that, but there have been some who call back after getting help, and tell us thank you. I don’t do it for the thank yous, but having some of them call back at all is such a relief, knowing that there’s hope. I’m not so naive to believe that everyone I’ve been on the phone with has that happy ending, but for the chance of the few “to be continued…” stories, I’ll keep doing it.
Jesus. This was sorta triggery to me, but it reminds me of a friend who drove an hour down just to be in the same room as me to make sure I didn’t do anything. I screwed up at my job and my depression and suicidal urges were at an all time high. And just having a body there… someone to remind me that even if NOW feels like nothing and no point… there will be a later, and that in that later will be emotions and potentially better things. (She even read me some ‘spoilers’ about the upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens to give me SOMETHING to hold on to) What Carla did was the best thing possible alerting someone who could be in Ruth’s space. To be that body that keeps her here. Thanks Willis. This reminds me why I keep fighting with depression every day. Ruth will get a later. Her nothing may become a samba of emotions, but the ones that care for us will push Carla in the face (wouldn’t recommend) to get in that room and just be there. <3
Oof, this one might be a little… raw, cause there’s a lot in this one and the one prior that hit some relatively fresh wounds.
Panel 1: There’s… I’m not sure how to put it, but there’s a feeling of combined anger and sadness and exhaustion that comes forward when you’ve been burning through spoons trying to win a battle and then come to realize that the whole thing was for naught and it’s time to pack it up and pack it in.
Cutting those losses, accepting those losses can be brutally difficult. It may have been for different reasons, but I feel that sentiment, just being exhausted and wishing I had quit a long time ago from things I wasted so much energy on trying to salvage. And that feeling from last comic of just wanting the bullet to hit already if it’s going to.
Panel 2: And that confirms grandpa for “sir”.
This panel breaks my Bob-damned heart. I’ve been there in accepting perverse responsibility for the abuses and awfulnesses of others. I’ve been there with believing that my death would potentially be a benefit to those who loved me.
But that internalization of the abuse she’s suffered and carried with her like a gaping wound. So scared of failure because it precipitates another round of abuse, always having to protect her little brother, make sure the pain landed on her instead. Being worried about going to college and leaving him alone and without protection.
Ruth has a lot of problems and has done some majorly fucked up and not at all okay things. But she’s also been through the fucking trenches and has tried her best to do right for the people she’s loved as broken and ineffective that has been at times owing to her illness. And the way the failure haunts her still, how she knows this will be used as a cudgel to beat her and her brother with, to stab at her self-esteem when she’s already down and out. It guts her and the numbness makes it just another observation. It’s… fuck. Okay, gonna get through this.
I know you’be already been thanked for your insight and openess further down in the comments, but add my voice to the chorus. I wish you hadn’t had to go through all of the things that you obviously have, but I am glad you used those valleys to become the brilliant, empathetic person you are. At the risk of sounding like a greeting card, you give me and many others hope that they ARE here for a reason.
Panel 3: I really like Billie’s face here. Cause the eyes show the panic of being let in on just how fucked up Ruth’s raising environment is and how deep her scars run. She’s realizing just what she’s been through and what she’s signed on to in being her no longer secret girlfriend in addition to her sexy lesbian suicide pact partner.
And maybe a realization for herself that she’s been clinging to some suicidal beliefs as well. But the blush on the cheeks adds a dash of hope to it. Yeah, Ruth is in a bad place, but after a week+ of Ruth stonewalling her away from many genuine intimate connection beyond the sexual, she’s letting Billie in.
She’s showing her scars and her fears. Speaking more personally to her about what has been going on with her life than she has so far. And Billie recognizes that level of trust she has reached and the importance of Ruth feeling strong or fuckless enough to share it. And while the rest may have her sad face emoticon, that little piece does warm her heart a little.
Panel 4: There’s an odd freedom in having nothing left to lose. When my family threw me away like rancid garbage because of what I am and I was out my job, my family, and eventually, my partner, I did not believe I would survive. In fact, at the time, I was pretty far along in planning my eternal exit.
But having nothing left to lose, also meant losing the grip of fear that my family had been reinforcing. Meant an excuse to buckle down deep and just grab at any straw out of the pit. And it bred a spite that kept me alive. Not wanting to let those who wronged me, who wanted me to die, win. Not letting them put me in a position where I had no choice but meekly surrender to be taken and “fixed”.
I don’t know if Ruth is there yet, but I think a layer of her fear is passing here in the numbness. She’s been terrified of losing this position and how her grandpa would react. But maybe this will also give her the lack of fucks necessary to pull away more and more from the awful scum-sucker who can engender such fear. Maybe this is the beginning of her finally treating her wounds.
Cerberus – I just wanted to tell you I often go out of my way to read your comments. Thank you for sharing your story, as well as your compassion and realism.
Panel 5: It’s a sad horrible part of the sickness that moves us to want to push away those trying to comfort us. To do without or to view it with complete dispassion and emptiness. One of the nastiest things about being depressed is that being comforted can sometimes feel awful. Like, no, what are you doing, don’t waste your energy on me, can’t you see I’m worthless. Or “it’s all gonna be for naught, I don’t even remember how to feel anymore”.
But when things soften and get better or the deep dark times fade into the less awful times, that comforting is remembered fondly even if it is embarrassing or hard to believe you were ever worth it.
And being on the other side of it as well, it’s all you can hope for as a partner of a depressed person. To keep them moving, to remind them that they are loved.
And it doesn’t always work. My partner at that time left cause it was all too hard to bear and I was too reminiscent of the pain of those times. But she’s alive. And that matters to me. Even if she was rather Ruth-like in terms of the abuse as well.
Panel 6: I love this line so much, because it’s so true. And it’s so important for Billie to say. Cause Billie has been in the deep end, not knowing what to do, just internally panicking at the sheer weight of what it means for Ruth to be depressed. But she’s learning and what she’s picking up is very good indeed.
And this is important for Ruth, to hear that she still has a future. It may not look like anything she planned for, but it exists and Billie will get her to it if she needs to melt every sharp object in the building. And when Ruth reaches it, once Ruth has ridden it out and can think again (dear Bob does she need anti-depressants yesterday), she will remember. And it will have meant a lot.
I want to see these girls make it to the other side of their relationship, where the sexy lesbian suicide pact is a distant memory. And if they aren’t actually together then, that is fine. I just want them to be healthy and happy and to have made it through this awful time.
As much as the comic itself makes my heart ache, and remember several nights from the past few weeks….. somehow your reactions posts feel even more raw. *surreptitiously dabs at eyes and avoids coworkers*
Yowch this hit me right in the recovering depression.
I feel for both sides involved because I’ve been on both sides. Often feeling like a lying little hypocrite for telling someone they are worth it and have value when I couldn’t believe it about myself some of the time.
I dunno if that’s how Billie feels but I wouldn’t be surprised.
Amber: I…don’t know. My hand just instinctively clenched into a fist. It almost felt like someone made a passing reference to someone Amazigirl was likely to punch in the near future.
Dina: That is a very strange and highly specific sounding feeling.
Amber: Nah. Its probably nothing. I mean, lately I’ve only done that to psychotic and abusive parents. What are even the odds there’s a third one of those that’ll show up, right?
I wonder where this will go. If we stick to the more realistic approach we could have Ruth lying there for the next twenty or so strips she’s featured on (provided she’s not forcefully removed from her bed only to slump somewhere else). Immediately shaking the funk she’s in seems a little too unreal, even with Billie there. Sure, she might reconsider for now… But she’s not getting over it soon. Depression makes everything stretch to the point it feels like it’ll never end (and the people around you get irritated at the fact you seem to move ridiculously slowly in every sense of the word) so I’m guessing either the entire floor is going to send her good vibes or we might be seeing Ruth leaving the premises soon (on her feet. Alive. Sheesh).
Then again, we can always hope for a relatively more fantastic better resolution. Well see.
they are both mentally ill and fucked up in all the ways, but see? it doesn’t doom the relationship. they can still support each other. they can get better. it is still better for them to be together than apart
(for Ruth, at least. But I think for Billie having someone to care for adds a lot to her self-esteem and just gives her that something to hold on to and distract herself with. She’s not just helping Ruth for Ruth, she’s also helping Ruth – hell, everyone – for herself)
“Grav roulette” is just one person who’s been changing their email in certain ways every day to get a new gravatar. Normally it stays the same unless Willis updates the directory. Also, grey-haired person is Pamela, Galasso’s wife(?)/Conquest’s mom! She’s only made one cameo in DoA but played an important role in the backstory of Shortpacked.
Ahahahaha nice
And neat! I should probably maybe read the other comics sometime… maybe… reread shortpacked and try to remember who is who this time… sometime later.
It’s honestly really comforting to see something that looks like me and my wife at our lowest. Like, we’ve been through it now, but it feels good to see a (fictional, granted) depressive pair where at least one is suicidal at one point, actually succeed.
She commands a plethora of knowledge pertaining to terrible and horrific things.
Apparently that extends beyond druggings at parties to depression. I wonder what other terrible and horrific things fall under her purview.
There’s a lot of people in the world who wouldn’t understand this strip, because neither they nor anyone around them ever went to that place. Those are the kinds of people who tell you to ‘cheer up’ and that you have ‘so much to live for’. Or even better, tell you to ‘snap out of it’ and ‘man up’. And I can’t even blame them, depression can be hard to understand for someone who has no personal experience with it.
What I don’t understand is how she says she doesn’t feel anything, when she sounds so scared. Also, it sounds like grandpa is the problem, so why want to get rid of yourself instead of him?
That part made sense. From my memory of depression pits, the fear and pain of awful scary events is numbed into a paste, so you’re more likely to do as she does here just talking about your fears and awful life experiences like it was happening to someone a million miles away from you.
Indeed. Ruth is talking about horrifying shit like it’s second nature. She’s still processing it, but the usual response of “wait this is scary and fucked up” is getting numbed.
I suspect the most terrifying part of this if we could actually hear it is that she doesn’t sound scared at all – the words sound like she’s scared, but the voice and tone aren’t. They’re just flat.
“Not feeling anything” is more a lack of base emotional experience than actually not having emotions. Like when you’re numb and can feel something that should hurt, but you experience no suffering, just the physical feeling of the things that are hurting you. Ruth can probably feel fear and despair, but she’s unable to experience the usual powerful emotional reactions sadness causes (like crying).
As for why she wants to get rid of herself instead of grandpa, well, Ruth talks about ripping femurs out but she’s probably not actually ready to murder an abusive grandfather who has lorded over her and her brother for a decade. Not that, in a depressed state, she’d be able to, since murder takes effort anyway. And as Howard’s only (?) living family, ending up in jail would be a subpar solution. If she fails maybe her grandfather will take it out on Howard.
And it’s not like her grandfather is the source of all her problems; there’s also her dead parents, the boyfriend in Canada she left behind, her self-loathing over becoming an alcoholic despite hating alcohol for having killed her parents, her self-loathing over having bullied Billie, whom she loves, her conflicted feelings over loving a drunk-driver, the sadness of having lost Billie, some recognition that she’s been unable to let her anger spill over on the people under her care, her failure at being a good RA, her failure at being a decent RA, her failure at even trying to attend to her RA duties, her probably slipping academic grades in a useless field, her failure to protect Carla from Mary’s homophobia, guilt over having tried to pass some of the blame for that on Carla…
Ruth’s seriously depressed. Every single failure she’s committed is coming back to haunt her, convincing her that she’s worthless and that life is nothing but failure and suffering. And she could escape all that if she just stopped living.
This is serioius; Ruth is seriously ill and needs the appropriate care. More importantly, it isn’t fair for Billie and Carla, who are only a little more than children themsleves, to have to be care-givers for someone without professional assistance.
Other than that, props to Willis for getting into the head of someone with serious depression so well. It’s something that you hear too often – the delusion (bordering on a desperate belief) that dying will somehow help their loved ones. It isn’t something that can be wished away or hugged away; it’s something that needs long, patient work to address.
Based on how freaked out Carla was earlier, I doubt that she’s going to stop at getting Billie back in there. Billie seems like she might be on the same page, but even if not, now that their secret is out and Dorothy, Walky and Sal all know what’s been going on with Ruth, somebody will at the very least get an adult involved.
Damn sh** body, curse of life, I was born with leaky O rings– my ocular gaskets were poorly installed before birth. That is why the video orbs are leaking. Or maybe it is allergies, certainly it is not Willis’ making the video orbs lose their lubricating gels. It is Not an emotional reaction to today’s strip, of that we are certain. They leak all the time during the Spring time. Not some overblown reaction to someone caring and making snuggle bunnies. Damnit Willis. Now I gotta explain why my voice is husky, it’s allergies.
I’m not sure if it’s my current shade of grey, or just a reminder of when things were at their most bleak, but this strip broke the floodgates. On the one hand, there’s a sort of comfort in the dialogue and the comments; I’m not alone in feeling like a burden more often than not, or in having to weigh the impact of my continued existence on loved ones, or guilt over not feeling…well, much of anything besides guilt. I’m not alone in the paralysis of thinking about life and death, and finding no appeal in either.
On the other, more dominant hand, it’s heartbreaking. Because no one else *should* feel like that. I would rather feel alone than see another person feel so worthless.
My first reaction was that the Roomies comic was Ruth’s thought experiment. She tried to imagine a world in which she committed suicide in a way that would make her family proud, and then they would be sorry they were ever so abusive. Then she got really drunk and amended it to include cartoon characters out to ruin everyone’s lives, literally.
Now I’m wondering if that head canon is really one of Willis’s autobiographical experiences leaking into the comic.
IIRC, Roomies! Ruth was supposed to be a representation of what Willis was going through at the time, and killing her off was an attempt to exorcise these feelings.
When my depression is at its worst, I’m inconsolable. I push away everyone that tries to comfort me. But after the fact, when things look up, I remember who was there and tried to help, and it is a comfort.
I think Billie is doing a good thing here. She’s not being pushy about her support, she’s just letting Ruth know she’s there, and that she’ll still be there when Ruth is ready for her.
Billie can’t save Ruth, but she may be able to help her save herself.
They are certainly very useful. And, contrary to popular belief, they are neither magic happy pills that turn you into an obedient blissed-out zombie, nor a con trick by the pharmaceutical companies that ought to be replaced with Jungian primal scream regression therapy. Just a pill that helps us not want to die.
Okay. Images are the way to go instead of words, I think (or a mess of broken links if I get it wrong). So, because of my own experience with depression, I sort of imagined Ruth feeling a bit like this. But in fact, through this strip I realise that Ruth is actually in a bit of a different place than I was; more like this at best, and more likely like this. I have, however, glimpsed the place where she’s headed, which looks something like this. Billie understanding is a good sign.
I have a question. What are you supposed to do to help somebody this depressed? Who do you call? 911?
Billy cares about her, but has no authority to put her into treatment. Ruth’s grandpa is part of why she’s so messed up. I don’t know about any other family.
She’s an adult, but unlikely to check herself into any treatment program.
So what do you do if a friend needs help but is too broken to seek it out themselves?
I’ve never been depressed or suicidal but I’m certified in mental health first aid (highly recommend it — http://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/cs/take-a-course/find-a-course/) and I’ve had a lot of depressed friends. Here’s what I’ve done (with the disclaimer that every case is different and you should probably err on the side of caution):
Obviously, listen, show empathy, express that you care. At some point once it seems like you’ve established that, ask if the person is thinking about committing suicide. If they say no (and you’re sure they mean it), you probably don’t need to call 911, but you should still strongly encourage them to get help. It may be a good idea to offer to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist/therapist yourself — it saves the person the energy of doing it and shows you really care.
If they say yes, ask if they’ve made a plan for doing it. If not, I’d probably do the above, but push a little harder.
If they have a plan, then ask if they’ve thought about when they would carry it out. If not, ehhh maybe suggest calling an ambulance but if they’re not okay with it then don’t do it but make sure they get professional help, like, today.
If they have a plan and a specific time they plan to carry it out, it’s probably 911 time.
Also! Make sure to practice self-care while supporting the person. It does literally no good for the person to make yourself sick over the situation. If anything, keeping yourself well can help you respond better if the person starts feeling guilty or something over the impact their illness is having on you.
okay so: there are definitely, one hundred percent, important and vital things you can do as a friend of someone this depressed. ultimately it’s their fight, but you being there and being present means the literal world. think of it as being the friend of somebody who’s sick, because that’s pretty much what’s happening.
don’t push them to do things that they may not be capable of doing yet; but when you’re with them, try to make it an enjoyable experience and maybe a little bit of a respite from depression hell, if possible? be yourself. be considerate of their limitations, but also encouraging to go out and do things you both find enjoyable.
if they say no, that’s okay; you can always try again another time. the most important thing is to be steady and consistently approachable, i think. like a low-pressure friendship might be the easiest way to keep that connection. don’t…dump your friend because they’ve become hard to hang out with, but don’t push yourself to be in situations where you’re drained, either. as always, figure out what your boundaries are and maintain them.
as a friend, it’s not your job to save them. but being present will mean the absolute world to them if the friendship is genuine. low-pressure and low-key are kind of the bywords here. like, idk, if you’re into cooking bringing over a casserole or something might take a lot of stress off of them, and give you an excuse to talk to them. much like cookies here meant the world to Ruth.
depression will take away a lot of people’s motivation to do, so the kinds of activities that would be best, depending on person, would probably be ones where they just have to show up. or even if that’s too much, where they can get picked up and dropped off. idk, for me one of my better motivators was having people need me. so it really depends on the person. you would know them better than i would!
As someone who suffers from depression too, this sub-arc hits me right in the feels. That last panel? It’s VERY important. I cannot emphasize that enough.
Yes, I know people who couldn’t believe that I and others really, really wanted to help, and could. I have seen some amazing successes and not so many failures.
Billie absolutely nailing the “loving a person with depression” thing. I’m saving that line. She’s a way nicer person than she gives herself credit for.
I’m in a partial hospitalization program right now for depression, and the end of this strip hit me so hard I started bawling. Thank you, Billie (And David).
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Gonna remember alot of things…
Ruth. Is she-is she going to be okay? I’m honestly asking willis, you don’t have to be specific about it.
Billie seems to think so, at least, given her statement in the last panel.
She will not die, that’s the Willis promise. But I think “okay” may have left her rocky shores a long long time ago and isn’t expected back for a long while to go. Hell, even in the best case scenario of getting anti-depressants and having the first one work, that’s still a month in comic before they’ll start doing anything for her, and a month’s basically the entire comic up to this point.
The anti-depressants work on you, not on your social circle which you pushed wide away. There is a whole slowly established and self-reinforcing isolation network buffering you off. Granted, Carla has given it a solid kick. But it’s not likely to settle too far from where it started.
“Okay” is this comic’s tragic Greek hero of myth: for Ruth, it’s liable to be Odysseus.
Can’t wait until it joins the Trojan war.
Please don’t ask the author for spoilers <_<
Believe me, most authors I know can answer questions like that WITHOUT spoiling the story …
I don’t know…I’ve seen people freak out over “spoilers” when a creator said something like, “You’ll be really nervous at the end” or “bring a box of tissues with you,” so… :/
And now begins part 2 of DOA Tournament!
Announcer: It’s been a hard battle but these nine contestants will be able to move onto the next round and compete against each other!
Carla, Sal, Danny, Sarah, Amber, Ethan, Becky, Joyce and Mary!
They will spend the next rounds attempting to defeat each other!
And Now for the 10th (I’ve been counting wrong “whoops!”) DOA Tournament battle!
Sarah Clinton vs. Joyce Brown!
Sarah: I don’t really care about winning all that much, I just want to see how much you’ve grown.
Joyce: Thanks, this should be a fun fight!
Sarah: Now then, remember to hold the correct stance.
Joyce: Only you would give your opponent a lesson, while you were fighting them.
Sarah: All right than, OTHER JACOB 2!
Sarah comes swinging at Joyce, with her famed weapon, Joyce ducks and blocks with her WWJD wristband. She pulls out a pair of sharpened crosses as attacks Sarah with them, who leaps back.
Sarah: You have grown… Beyond me.
Joyce: Your saying I’m better than you.
Sarah: I could never compare, I can see in your eyes a fierceness that you aren’t showing. You’ve been holding back.
Joyce: I have been?
Sarah: When you were fighting Dina, you could have ended that battle way sooner, yet you chose to drag it out. I don’t even know if your doing it on purpose!
Joyce: News to me.
Sarah: Okay then.
Sarah attacks Joyce with a flurry of attacks
Sarah: FIGHT ME JOYCE BROWN…IT’S THE ONLY WAY I CAN KNOW…IF YOU CAN BE THE ONE TO DEFEAT HER!
Joyce blocks the attacks.
Joyce: DEFEAT WHO!?
Sarah: MARY BRADFORD!
Joyce: Mary?
Sarah: You watched her battle with Billie, you know how dangerous she is. The only reason I came into this tournament…
Sarah leaps into the air and smashes down with Other Jacob 2, Joyce blocks with her crosses.
Sarah: WAS TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE STRONG ENOUGH!
Sarah does a backflip and lands a few meters away.
Sarah: Now fight me, as I know you can.
The two run at each other, Joyce slashes with her crosses, while Sarah slashes with Other Jacob 2.
They stand with their backs to each other for a second before a wound opens in Sarah’s stomach.
Joyce: You held back.
Sarah: No I didn’t.
Joyce: but I did.
Sarah: So you finally understand. Defeat her Joyce Brown, as I know you can.
Sarah collapses and is carted off stage.
Joyce Brown is the winner!
Next time on DOA Tournament:
Ethan Siegal vs. Sal Walkerton!
What in the actual hell…?
I think when we get 1 comic per day (rather than get a book’s worth once in a blue moon), people tend to go stir crazy
I guess you figure that if someone needs a joke today, they’ll head down here?
I am neither the hero you want or need.
Why
Why? Such a pointless question. It was the goal of Willis to create the Ultimate commenter. Or perhaps it’s the blood of comments, Slipshine and butts disease flowing through my veins that drives me thus.
Why? I think Some1 did it just to see that look on your face.
Your face.
Your faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!! XD <3
I am going to need links to every previous fight…
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/sweet/
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/dog/
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/murdery/
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/chief/
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/amazinglove/
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/brucewayne/
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/ragdoll/
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/diddlin-2/
I’m not sure how to link to comments, but you can just search my name on each strip. 🙂
That is a frighteningly accurate depiction of how depression and comfort tend to work…
Billie’s right, too.
She commands a plethora of knowledge pertaining to terrible and horrific things.
And I fail transcription forever.
I’d be interested to see what you were intending to link. Give it another shot, O Jason-Faced One.
(Fitting that you’d get him while screwing something up.)
Oh, I got the link right, I just copied the quote wrong.
….
Oh, wait, I got the link wrong too. GRAH.
I just realised on this reread that the questions Billie asks Joyce after examining the glass are the sort of questions you’re taught to ask in first aid training. Which probably means she’s working off of more than just experience there.
I’m gonna guess that she had the awful life experience first and then took the first aid course to be better at what she does second. It’s also my headcanon that she’s been trying to google some stuff on how to care for a person with depression since Ruth first emphasized that.
Cerb: I dunno. Oh, I can believe she got some of her knowledge at the school of hard knocks, sure. But being proactive with Ruth by doing research? She wasn’t exactly googling stuff on how to get a homeless person some shelter. I’m thinking she has some prior experience with depression, too, being appointed big sister to an entire high school cheerleading squad.
Reltzik- That’s a good point.
Billie’s not exactly a stranger to depression either, I suspect. Though not as far gone as Ruth, of course. I read that as personal experience.
She also may have been in a somewhat better state when googling depression than she’s been in this weekend.
I get the impression that a lot of what Billie does is instinct, because she never goes to get Ruth outside help, other than herself. Trying to handle everything oneself is a natural impulse, but it’s a total newbie mistake!
Any website research would’ve directed her to more skillful resources (like Crisis Services, campus Mental Health services, etc), rather than going the route of Lesbian Suicide Pact.
Billie is doing the damn best that anyone can alone. I wish she would realize that they needn’t be alone.
She is. Having been there. You feel nothing in the moment, but when you do emerge from the pit, you strongly remember the people who wouldn’t let you drown down there.
And after kicking yourself for “imposing” that on them and general self-hatred, you remember that kindness when things do get better.
ruth in this comic explains why i have never dated. although I might be trying to soon.
Good luck!
on the plus side i have no ex’s to talk about. on the negative side I have no clue how to go about things right now so i am sure i will fail to get a date for a while much less have a good one.
The internet can be a surprising wealth of good advice, so long as you can figure out how to pick it out from the incredibly awful advice.
Don’t date Ruth?
Be yourself, talk about what interests both of you, be attentive but have boundaries for yourself, and always remember that if things aren’t clicking, there’s no shame in bailing.
Good luck!
probably stupid but that made me think of the barney stinson lemon law. I wouldn’t be that rude/crude but still.
Another few things I’d mention are:
a) Be honest.
b) Ask about them.
c) If there is a lull in the conversation you can try to insert a funny anecdote about yourself.
d) If things aren’t clicking afterwards, make it clear that is how you feel so there is no miscommunication of interest.
e) view all aspects of dating as practice, in which you totally earn XP for trying anything new. Did you ask somebody on a date? Awesome, you get to put xp in asking people on dates! Hooray.
I recommend Paging Doctor Nerdlove for not-awful advice.
I imagine time-delayed orgasms to be really socially awkward. Could keep me from dating too.
Um.
The empty eyes are just killing it for me right now. Be still my heart, though Willis the Damned has struck thee.
Isn’t it just? Eerie, but in a good way. Very accurate.
Yeah, hits way too close to home. But it is great. There is a lack of accurate depiction in the media.
and even if not at least you will know she tried
“for example, can’t feel my sclera”
She leaves them in a glass of water by the bed.
My heart hurts.
Good, that’s how you know it’s still there.
That’s not a reliable indicator. Could be phantom pain. One of the most overrated feelings is phantom heroism. You think of all the great things you’d do when called upon. Feels very real, but just isn’t there when it would make a difference. Another great one is phantom compassion. And phantom magnamity. The rich can afford themselves the most charitable thoughts because they carefully shield themselves from coming into situations where they would be relevant.
“That is so nice of me, to think that and then totally never do it!” Never knew there was a name for this phenomenon. Phantom heroism, that’s pretty cool.
This is depressing I need rainbow cupcakes like right now
Here you go!
I would enjoy these if I wasn’t drowning in my own tears
Have you tried breathing through a snorkel?
I am also drowning in snorkels and I have breathed through
all of them. Send Help
Sounds like a good ship name for Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie
You’d think so, but a lot of folks seem to prefer Rainbow Pie.
I know this is really sad and stuff but like, I thought that Ruth’s eye was a mole and that her hair was covering her eyes and now I’ve realized the truth and I’m too amused to be sad
Her eyes got big and green when she started her love-affair-with-Billie arc and got tiny again when it ended.
Terrifying. Definitely terrifying.
Oof, always the fun part, starting to rationally process how things are going to go without you, and you start to look for the positive reasons why you should die.
Shit’s heavy. I’m glad it’s behind me.
That’s always the stage that bumps me back into determination. Maybe I’m just egotistical, but I tend to expect being gone would have some unfortunate effects on a few people, even if it toughened others up in a good way.
This is me, too. At my very worst points, I always knew there were at least a couple people it would ruin, and I wasn’t willing to do that.
Sucks though to have to wait for everyone else to die first before you can make a move.
TRUTH.
This. I’m not sure if I can ever believe that my positive influence outweighs my negative or burdensome, but the few people it would hurt mean so much, I know it would be the most selfish thing I could ever do. It’s a long defeat, but you keep fighting, because I know how it feels to blame yourself for someone’s death, and I will *never* allow another person to feel that on my account.
*hugs* I’m glad it’s behind you! I’m still working through it, with better and worse day (today was bad, for example), but I’ve not been actively suicidal now in a few years and every day I stick around is a day that my darkest times are further in the past.
/jeez this strip makes me get deep lol
Yup, this one was rough for that exact reason. When things were really bad and especially when a lot of people in my life were seeing me as a thing to throw away, it got really really easy to believe that killing myself was going to be a kindness to them, a way to give them freedom from my ball and chain.
And yeah, really glad to no longer be in that pit.
Also *hugs* to all my fellow survivors of the pit. You are all amazing wonderful people and I’m glad you all made it through.
im still climbing out of the pit its hard as balls and i constantly want to give up but my pride keeps me from doing so id never want this feeling on my worst enemy
*hugs* I’m proud of you and believe in you.
Can we call ourselves the Pit Vipers? Would be a good name for a club.
Billie has spoons to spare, and is using them to spoon. ^_^ T_T
She’s a spoony broad!
“There is no spoon”
“A spoon is all there is!”
I really like that. Spooning can be so important and healing. It’s intimate without necessarily being sexual and it’s a way when comforting a person with depression to say, I’m here, I’m not going to abandon you, I think you have value.
Ruth DOESN’T have the feels! It’s okay, Walky, there’s no feels for you to be running towards!
… well, okay, Billie’s.
… it’s okay, Walky, you’re only running towards half as many feels as you thought!
Walky spoo, Billie. Then Dotty spoos Walky.
Then, of course, Joyce and Becky arrives. 3 more people with Dina after Becky.
…thy’re gonna need a bigger bed.
Ruth doesn’t have the feels, but that’s because they’ve leaked out and are overwhelming everyone in the area. Carla got a dose. Billie’s absorbed most of them, but there’s still enough left to threaten Walky.
Law of Conservation of Feels.
….. Run Walky, Run! GET THERE QUICKLY BEFORE THE FEELS INFECT THE ENTIRE FLOOR!
ONLY FART JOKES CAN UNDO THE FEELSMAGEDDON!
…. yeah, okay, I shouldn’t be joking about this.
Swerriffying
I’m not crying after reading that last panel. My eyes have just sprung a leak is all T~T.
That’s…. not a better thing.
http://www.nytimes.com/video/movies/100000003381855/ant-bully-scene-your-face-is-leaking.html
Every time this comic has made me stop dead, with a lump in my throat, reading one set of lines over and over again, it’s because of Ruth. This is one of those times.
I feel a little misty-eyed now.
I’ll just leave this here…
I don’t know why I’m cutting onions at 8 am.
Omelette? Fried potatoes? Convenient excuse?
Because they are one nasty rotten bunch? Cutting them feels like the right thing to do.
Read this on mobile, briefly mistook panel 5 as the last one and went HAHA WOW THAT IS QUITE A NOTE TO END ON THERE.
I too had the same experience. I felt a grim vibe “well this is a downer”
And then i read the last panel and i watered up. If simultaneously made me feel better and have me that too close to home vibe.
It’s easily my favorite Billie line. It’s just so heartfelt and powerful.
Billie might have some experience with this.
Both. Easily, easily both.
yeah you need to get her to the hospital
I feel like someone should call Howard.
Maybe the love for her little brother will make her realise suicide is not an option.
I get the sense that’s the entire point of todays strip. That if she dies Howard will be alone…with her grandfather.
AND GO ALL GAME OF THRONES ON HIS TYWINy ASS!!!!!
Murder is frowned upon in all fifty states.
I assume the same is true in Canada’s provinces.
Canada is replete with ways to make it look like an accident. Frostbite, lumberjacking accident, bear attack, rampaging moose, maple syrup toxicity… the wonder is that ANYONE is alive north of the US border.
A strong reminder that the first time Ruth spoke to Billie about Howard, this is what she said:
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2013/comic/book-3/04-just-hangin-out-with-my-family/escape-2/
“Howie lives with my grandfather. He won’t be old enough to escape to college until next year.”
Part of what’s been driving her depression or possibly her holding on has been the knowledge that Howie has a little longer to get free from their grandpa’s awfulness and given a later conversation where Howie says hey, it’s not that bad and we get new stuff faster, it’s clear she’s also very worried about how he doesn’t seem to notice how abusive their grandpa has been*.
*Which makes me very curious to see this explored further. Was the grandpa “selectively” abusive to Ruth because she’s the girl, does Howard just not have a healthy model of family in memory to compare his life-experiences with, or is it the classic abuser trick of abusing one family member and rewarding another so that you can gaslight the abused family member and get the favored one to back you up?
This is probably the one time where his presence could actually improve people’s lives.
Nah. He’s a minor, there’s nothing he can do, it will probably make Ruth feel incredibly guilty for getting him involved, and he might tell ‘Sir’ (presumably the grandfather), from whom a call already set Ruth on a drinking frenzy on camera. If she is hospitalized, then maybe, although I’d hope Billie would contact him and explain rather than ‘a call home’ be made.
Although, in general, it might be good for someone to be keeping tabs on how Howard is at home. Up until today’s comic, I actually kind of assumed it was the dynamic where the daughters are treated like shit but sons are either treated alright or at least with indifference, since he didn’t seem much bothered about going home to there before.
(also, ‘if she is hospitalized’ applies to calling him today/tomorrow. If she isn’t hospitalized, calling him if she’s a bit more functional in a few days (or weeks), or at least more up to talking, wouldn’t be a bad idea)
I think this straight up confirms that “sir” is grandpa.
Yeah, I didn’t really process before I was typing, but you’re right
This was not a strip I should have read it seems. Not with similar demons crouching on my shoulders. Not with the wight of failure crushing me.
*hugs*
I can’t tell you not to worry, but I hope you know that there are people in your life who love you and want to support you in your time of need.
You just do what you need to do to get through now. Later will be better. It probably feels like this time is worse than all the other times. But it felt like that last time, too.
Besides, the wight of failure dies like any other wight! Just whack it over the head with a lit torch, and make sure you’ve got a broom and dustpan handy to sweep up the ashes 🙂
*hugs* Take care of yourself, yeah? You may think you’re a failure, but no failure is so huge, none, that you can’t come back from it. Like, I’ve fucked my life up SO BADLY and I’m still here. You can do it, too, I believe in you <3
*hugs* You are awesome and you have worth and value to the world. And there’s no shame in prioritizing taking care of yourself before diving in again.
I hope things get better for you
*weight
But seriously, best of luck. It’s hard, and may you find the strength or goal that helps you to get past it.
nice use of light to indicate someone is opening the door. They literally are about to find out.
Say what? I see no difference between the lighting in the last panel and the third or fifth one.
Besides it would just be Walky at the door.
There’s also no indication in earlier strips that the door ever got closed. It was clearly still open when Billie approached the bed, and there’s no reason to think she turned around and closed it between strips before climbing in.
Looks like we are all wrong! I was referring to the strip 2 days ago vs this one (mostly the highlight on the bedpost and skin) but based on the next strip, I guess the light is from the window. My bad!😅
But Mousie, thou art no thy-lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!
Still, thou art blest, compar’d wi’ me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But Och! I backward cast my e’e,
On prospects drear!
An’ forward tho’ I canna see,
I guess an’ fear!
From “To a Mouse” by Robert Burns. His poetry about not knowing the future, accepting that things may go wrong, and trudging on anyway helped pull me out of a depressive funk not entirely dissimilar from Ruth’s. After all, the best laid plans o’ mice and men gang aft agley (go oft astray.)
I’m currently going through a bad bout of depression. Even quit my job yesterday. This comic is hitting pretty close to home.
*hugs* Same, I feel this. It’s kind of amazing when you see what’s going on in your head so accurately reflected in fiction, right? Depression makes you tend to think you’re the only one and no one else feels like that, ever. And then you see someone else nail it and you’re like…… WHOA.
Stay strong and take care of yourself, yeah <3
It’s seems that at minimum at least 10% of the commenters are dealing or have dealt with depression. so you’re not alone. Best of luck.
*hugs* Take care of yourself out there. You’ll get through this, but you need to give your body time and care to do so.
*reads this panel* hahaha this is lit my life but instead of getting some kind of support i get abandoned by all my friends ohhh great times (p.s. affection/whatever is not welcome)
When read this comment last night I thought”this is troubling but as someone who often needs to brood and think before i can accept compassion i can respect the not wanting internetsympathy/hugs/WhateverOtherAbstractOfferingofReachingOutOnline” so i left it alone. Now having slept and gone to work and rethinking about this comment i thought “this person is in trouble and could be dead and no one reached out.” You may protest any attempts at empathy online but i find it unacceptable to say nothing. For many that silence is reaffirming of all their fears, doubts, anger, sorrow or desire to no longer be alive.
There are many who come to this site feeling or living and maybe overcoming something familiar to what may be your personal hell now.Empathy is understanding of someone else’s situation and that is invaluable regardless of the form it comes in. Someone noticed someone hopes you make it out of the turmoil you’re in and be in a better place.
I hope this message does not upset you, but you need to know that you are not alone. Not as long as someone somewhere empathizes.
A wish the last panel was remembered a lot more.
No, I mean your grip is too tight. Please stop trying to comfort me. You’re bad at it. I’m uncomfortable.
MY STATEMENT STILL STANDS!!!
“You are cutting off my bloodflow. I am literally, physically numb.”
“The only way I could be more incapable of getting out of bed is if you rolled your fat ass on top of me and pinned me underneath you with your elephantine physique.”
“Jeez, I sure hope you don’t do that!”
Ok, That made me laugh way more than it should have.
The world you are looking for is ‘adorofying’, alt text
This is one hell of a heavy strip today.
Take care of yourselves today, y’all.
I just spent my weekend putting my heart back together and you broke it again David. Goddamnit Willis. I swear I WILL be immune to your feels-trip someday.
That’ll probably be when he’s no longer making comics.
Or a few months after he stops, given the queue.
Of course the truth is that Billie won’t save Ruth. It will be Dennis and Joey, because Ruth actually is Margaret from Dennis the Menace.
And tonight, Grav Roulette has given me…. Jason. Again.
Yeah, okay, Jason’s my number 2. (No, not like that.) But I already HAVE a hash for Jason, I don’t need another one. I’m not sure you understand the point of this exercise, Grav Roulette.
What can I say about Jason that I haven’t already?
How about his sense of style? I know, I know, “WHAT style?” Well think about it. It takes a great deal of dedication to wear a sweater vest, slacks, and bow tie every day, when all of your peers and half of your professors just wear jeans and a t-shirt. Question his taste all you want, but the choice is clearly deliberate and he’s clearly sticking with it.
When you start really thinking about your wardrobe, your choices are all about signalling. What you wear shapes the opinions, expectations, and emotions of the people you interact with, often in subtle or even unconscious ways.
Do you keep on top of the latest fashion trends and signal that you are on the ball and aware of what’s going on, or do you spurn them for classical styles and signal independence and steadfastness? Do your color choices calm emotions or inflame them or change them?
Jason’s clearly trying to project the image of intellectual academia mixed with formalism. The bow tie is the archetypal example of this, and the sweater-vest echoes that nicely. Vests project a constrained image — they say, this is someone who’s got themselves under control and won’t let their impulses get in the way of their job. The underlying white shirt is a mix of purity — here, purity in function and in role. The bluish-grey indicates a staid, neutral, judicious rationality. The red of the bow-tie is garish and draws the eyes. Normally a tie should redirect attention towards the face while complimenting a person’s complexion, but here the tie directs attention towards itself…. putting a huge exclamation point on Jason’s identity in intellectual academia. I think he’s trying too hard (or hasn’t thought it through enough), but he sends a clear message with his clothes. A blue bow tie would be better, though. It would send the same message but more subtly, without beating us over the head with it.
I’ve been thinking to going to work in finance, as an accountant or an actuary, and if so I’d likely adopt a three-piece wardrobe myself, with bow-ties. Yes, it’s the stereotype, but it’s a comforting stereotype. Conforming to expectations sends the signal that, yes, I’m who you think I am and I can do the work you expect me to do. That’s a good message to send and if it helps make people around me become comfortable in our working relationship, then mission accomplished. I’d probably go for blues, green tints, and greyscale, with a bit of gold (more likely brass) here and there. That suits my hair color a bit better and is more suited in its subconscious connections to finance than pure academia. Definitely no warm colors (except gold/brass), and I’d avoid purple and, for that matter, bright hues. Shades and washed-out tints only.
…
… I swear I’m straight. I don’t ALWAYS know how to communicate properly with stereotypes!
I’ve had problems with that too. People thought I was gay because I showed no interest in women. Was just looking for my one.
Heh, went through that one as well. Being ace and trans and having the “wrong type” of attractions to women really didn’t dissuade people’s assumptions.
They never do. I’ll be back later to read your synopsis, Cerberus, assuming you’re writing one.
“Why, no, I’m neither making crash sexual remarks about the semi-nude scenes in this movie which are clearly more about body alienation than audience titillation, nor am I engaging with you when you make them, but I am instead attempting to appreciate this for the coming-of-age story that it is despite the dstractions. Why yes, that obviously must mean I’m not into women.”
*sigh*
Yes! Exactly.
Confused the fuck out of me when I was younger, especially since I actually am romantically attracted to women. Even more confusing because everyone saw it as so “obvious” that no one bothered to tell me that that was the reason they were bullying me.
It definitely wasn’t as bad as me, because I AM sexually attracted towards women, and that privilege saved me from loads of crap. But the emotional component is important to me. It doesn’t have to be deep-relationship emotion, but a young topless woman staring at her breasts in the mirror and wishing they’d be smaller because puberty body changes are creepy doesn’t fall into my “okay things are getting sexy now” category.
Doesn’t hold a candle to what you went through, but it did definitely make me less comfortable watching movies… or sharing anything, really… with that group.
And you know what? They didn’t bully me, which I’d say was cool but really is just basic decency that shouldn’t deserve praise or even comment except the world sucks. It was six guys… one of whom I think was bi but never cared enough to ask… and three girls, two of whom were bi and one was either bi or pure lesbian. Queer-bashing wouldn’t have been a problem. But the aggressive sexualization was just part of their tone and culture and I didn’t fit in. Also, I objected to being… misoriented? Is that even a word? Not because I would object to being gay, but because that isn’t me. … and I’m a bit OCD and every wrong statement needs correcting.
*wasn’t as bad FOR me. Stupid typos completely reversing what I was trying to say.
Bowties are cool.
Oh man, that just made me feel… a lot of feelings. I’ve had a really shitty day, like, maybe one of the worst I’ve had this year. And I cried a lot and hated my life and doubted myself and it was just… too much and my depression was flaring up big time. My head still hurts, hours later, from how much I cried today.
But then I had two friends who were just there for me, no questions asked, just loving and supportive and kind. And that was the best feeling in the world and I very much will remember the support from my friends more, later, in a month, a year, 5 years, than I will the negativity.
So yeah. This strip is a lot today. And I just cried again, but, like… cathartically. What a bookend to my day from hell. Thank you for this.
*hugs*
And thank you so much for sharing that. That’s really beautiful.
Seriously, this is hitting me kinda hard. I finally got on anti-depressants last week and now that they are taking effect I’m kinda pissed that the funk I have been in for over 40 years could have gone away with just a pill every evening. This makes me angry for people like Ruth who are going through the same thing as I was before the pills. And I know that it’s not like that for everyone that a pill makes it “go away” and for all I know I will have to add more meds for other things that were masked by the depression. I just know that the difference between now and before is like night and day.
*hugs* It’s really good to hear that the meds are working for you and that you feel better <3
Good that meds are working. You’ve mentioned some of the bs that you’ve dealt with, so the issue ins’t just chemical imbalances. Hopefully you won’t be stuck on them for 40+ years.
*hugs*
I’m glad the medications working. And yeah, I feel you. It was shocking how much I could access my life and brain again once on them. It really sucks how people are discouraged from medicine, despite how critical it can be to simply function.
I was “functioning” pretty well most of the time, except when I wasn’t, but I could still manage to feed and dress myself. What angers me is now that I’m on meds I realize that what I thought was “happy” was really just “not as depressed as before”. I honestly do not remember what “happy” really feels like now. And it has been that way for 40 years. And TBH that makes me a bit angry for all that wasted time.
Yep, I can really relate to that.
I’m not sure I’ve fully excavated happy, but I did see the dramatic change in just being able to think at all. It was shocking how much of my brain was being used up just stuck in suicidal ideation and how removing that weight freed me up to get a lot more done with a lot less mental work.
I’m so happy they’re working for you!
My partner had a very similar experience, it made all the difference in the world for him.
My (most recent) too close to home strip was a couple of days ago, and it was too personal to really post about, but just skimming the comments I can see this is it for a lot of people. So for all y’all who have already or will post on today’s comic saying this was the one, and for those who feel that way and have not and won’t say it, *hugs*, I hope you are in a better place or on your way there, or that your affected friend or partner is, and it sucks that things are hard.
For me it one from about a week ago. Panel four, especially. For now 4+ years.
*strong hugs* to both of you!
panel 3, usually as ruth
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/pleases/
i think remembering my ‘billie’s’ reactions bothers me more than all the stuff with ruth that would apply more directly to me
Does Ruth know the resources at her girlfriend’s command?
Man, panel 6: I’m here for you now, because it’s where I want to be.
Ruth, you’re not alone in your pain. You do have people that care for you, and that you do care about. Please don’t lose sight of that.
As a hotline crisis counselor. . . those last two panels hit my feels right in the guts. Thank you. Those panels describe exactly what it feels like to be “holding the hand” of someone on the lines who is at that emotionally numb state. You want to help, you want to heal, make it “all better”, but you know that at that exact moment nothing you say will do any of those things. So you just sit with them in that moment. It’s a scary feeling of helplessness. So tempting to fill that emotional void with your own emotions, to talk, to reassure, to promise, cajole, beg…. I love that you did none of those things, just had Billie tell her she was there and that she cared in the best way she could without her minimizing Ruth’s pain.
Truthfully I care for all my callers, but sometimes it is the numb, flat voiced ones who terrify me far more than those who are yelling or crying. That sound of utter defeat in their voices breaks my heart. I have had callers who needed emergency help sent, and while on the phone with them there’s this sort of robotic “Oh, the police are here” response. Those haunt me. We don’t always know what happens after that, but there have been some who call back after getting help, and tell us thank you. I don’t do it for the thank yous, but having some of them call back at all is such a relief, knowing that there’s hope. I’m not so naive to believe that everyone I’ve been on the phone with has that happy ending, but for the chance of the few “to be continued…” stories, I’ll keep doing it.
Jesus. This was sorta triggery to me, but it reminds me of a friend who drove an hour down just to be in the same room as me to make sure I didn’t do anything. I screwed up at my job and my depression and suicidal urges were at an all time high. And just having a body there… someone to remind me that even if NOW feels like nothing and no point… there will be a later, and that in that later will be emotions and potentially better things. (She even read me some ‘spoilers’ about the upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens to give me SOMETHING to hold on to) What Carla did was the best thing possible alerting someone who could be in Ruth’s space. To be that body that keeps her here. Thanks Willis. This reminds me why I keep fighting with depression every day. Ruth will get a later. Her nothing may become a samba of emotions, but the ones that care for us will push Carla in the face (wouldn’t recommend) to get in that room and just be there. <3
Comic Reactions:
Oof, this one might be a little… raw, cause there’s a lot in this one and the one prior that hit some relatively fresh wounds.
Panel 1: There’s… I’m not sure how to put it, but there’s a feeling of combined anger and sadness and exhaustion that comes forward when you’ve been burning through spoons trying to win a battle and then come to realize that the whole thing was for naught and it’s time to pack it up and pack it in.
Cutting those losses, accepting those losses can be brutally difficult. It may have been for different reasons, but I feel that sentiment, just being exhausted and wishing I had quit a long time ago from things I wasted so much energy on trying to salvage. And that feeling from last comic of just wanting the bullet to hit already if it’s going to.
Panel 2: And that confirms grandpa for “sir”.
This panel breaks my Bob-damned heart. I’ve been there in accepting perverse responsibility for the abuses and awfulnesses of others. I’ve been there with believing that my death would potentially be a benefit to those who loved me.
But that internalization of the abuse she’s suffered and carried with her like a gaping wound. So scared of failure because it precipitates another round of abuse, always having to protect her little brother, make sure the pain landed on her instead. Being worried about going to college and leaving him alone and without protection.
Ruth has a lot of problems and has done some majorly fucked up and not at all okay things. But she’s also been through the fucking trenches and has tried her best to do right for the people she’s loved as broken and ineffective that has been at times owing to her illness. And the way the failure haunts her still, how she knows this will be used as a cudgel to beat her and her brother with, to stab at her self-esteem when she’s already down and out. It guts her and the numbness makes it just another observation. It’s… fuck. Okay, gonna get through this.
I know you’be already been thanked for your insight and openess further down in the comments, but add my voice to the chorus. I wish you hadn’t had to go through all of the things that you obviously have, but I am glad you used those valleys to become the brilliant, empathetic person you are. At the risk of sounding like a greeting card, you give me and many others hope that they ARE here for a reason.
Comic Reactions: the continuing:
Panel 3: I really like Billie’s face here. Cause the eyes show the panic of being let in on just how fucked up Ruth’s raising environment is and how deep her scars run. She’s realizing just what she’s been through and what she’s signed on to in being her no longer secret girlfriend in addition to her sexy lesbian suicide pact partner.
And maybe a realization for herself that she’s been clinging to some suicidal beliefs as well. But the blush on the cheeks adds a dash of hope to it. Yeah, Ruth is in a bad place, but after a week+ of Ruth stonewalling her away from many genuine intimate connection beyond the sexual, she’s letting Billie in.
She’s showing her scars and her fears. Speaking more personally to her about what has been going on with her life than she has so far. And Billie recognizes that level of trust she has reached and the importance of Ruth feeling strong or fuckless enough to share it. And while the rest may have her sad face emoticon, that little piece does warm her heart a little.
Panel 4: There’s an odd freedom in having nothing left to lose. When my family threw me away like rancid garbage because of what I am and I was out my job, my family, and eventually, my partner, I did not believe I would survive. In fact, at the time, I was pretty far along in planning my eternal exit.
But having nothing left to lose, also meant losing the grip of fear that my family had been reinforcing. Meant an excuse to buckle down deep and just grab at any straw out of the pit. And it bred a spite that kept me alive. Not wanting to let those who wronged me, who wanted me to die, win. Not letting them put me in a position where I had no choice but meekly surrender to be taken and “fixed”.
I don’t know if Ruth is there yet, but I think a layer of her fear is passing here in the numbness. She’s been terrified of losing this position and how her grandpa would react. But maybe this will also give her the lack of fucks necessary to pull away more and more from the awful scum-sucker who can engender such fear. Maybe this is the beginning of her finally treating her wounds.
Cerberus – I just wanted to tell you I often go out of my way to read your comments. Thank you for sharing your story, as well as your compassion and realism.
Seconded.
Comic Reactions: too comic, too sad:
Panel 5: It’s a sad horrible part of the sickness that moves us to want to push away those trying to comfort us. To do without or to view it with complete dispassion and emptiness. One of the nastiest things about being depressed is that being comforted can sometimes feel awful. Like, no, what are you doing, don’t waste your energy on me, can’t you see I’m worthless. Or “it’s all gonna be for naught, I don’t even remember how to feel anymore”.
But when things soften and get better or the deep dark times fade into the less awful times, that comforting is remembered fondly even if it is embarrassing or hard to believe you were ever worth it.
And being on the other side of it as well, it’s all you can hope for as a partner of a depressed person. To keep them moving, to remind them that they are loved.
And it doesn’t always work. My partner at that time left cause it was all too hard to bear and I was too reminiscent of the pain of those times. But she’s alive. And that matters to me. Even if she was rather Ruth-like in terms of the abuse as well.
Panel 6: I love this line so much, because it’s so true. And it’s so important for Billie to say. Cause Billie has been in the deep end, not knowing what to do, just internally panicking at the sheer weight of what it means for Ruth to be depressed. But she’s learning and what she’s picking up is very good indeed.
And this is important for Ruth, to hear that she still has a future. It may not look like anything she planned for, but it exists and Billie will get her to it if she needs to melt every sharp object in the building. And when Ruth reaches it, once Ruth has ridden it out and can think again (dear Bob does she need anti-depressants yesterday), she will remember. And it will have meant a lot.
I want to see these girls make it to the other side of their relationship, where the sexy lesbian suicide pact is a distant memory. And if they aren’t actually together then, that is fine. I just want them to be healthy and happy and to have made it through this awful time.
Cerberus, you really make my day with your reactions, as always.
Thank you for your insight, your self-expression, and for letting us all in.
As much as the comic itself makes my heart ache, and remember several nights from the past few weeks….. somehow your reactions posts feel even more raw. *surreptitiously dabs at eyes and avoids coworkers*
Thanks, as always, for sharing. <3
after cerberus has said things WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO BE SAID
Nothing, yet the comments still continue. We won’t fault them for it though. Talking is always, well, normally good.
Yowch this hit me right in the recovering depression.
I feel for both sides involved because I’ve been on both sides. Often feeling like a lying little hypocrite for telling someone they are worth it and have value when I couldn’t believe it about myself some of the time.
I dunno if that’s how Billie feels but I wouldn’t be surprised.
Amber: Whoa….
Dina: Is something wrong?
Amber: I…don’t know. My hand just instinctively clenched into a fist. It almost felt like someone made a passing reference to someone Amazigirl was likely to punch in the near future.
Dina: That is a very strange and highly specific sounding feeling.
Amber: Nah. Its probably nothing. I mean, lately I’ve only done that to psychotic and abusive parents. What are even the odds there’s a third one of those that’ll show up, right?
Ah yes, I know these feels. Or lack thereof.
I wonder where this will go. If we stick to the more realistic approach we could have Ruth lying there for the next twenty or so strips she’s featured on (provided she’s not forcefully removed from her bed only to slump somewhere else). Immediately shaking the funk she’s in seems a little too unreal, even with Billie there. Sure, she might reconsider for now… But she’s not getting over it soon. Depression makes everything stretch to the point it feels like it’ll never end (and the people around you get irritated at the fact you seem to move ridiculously slowly in every sense of the word) so I’m guessing either the entire floor is going to send her good vibes or we might be seeing Ruth leaving the premises soon (on her feet. Alive. Sheesh).
Then again, we can always hope for a relatively more fantastic better resolution. Well see.
I’m gonna guess we’re going to cut away to the other characters for a bit.
@ the ‘OH THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SO TOXIC’ crowd
they are both mentally ill and fucked up in all the ways, but see? it doesn’t doom the relationship. they can still support each other. they can get better. it is still better for them to be together than apart
(for Ruth, at least. But I think for Billie having someone to care for adds a lot to her self-esteem and just gives her that something to hold on to and distract herself with. She’s not just helping Ruth for Ruth, she’s also helping Ruth – hell, everyone – for herself)
People keep talking about grav roulette, but I’m pretty sure I’ve had this grey-haired person since I first commented here?…
“Grav roulette” is just one person who’s been changing their email in certain ways every day to get a new gravatar. Normally it stays the same unless Willis updates the directory. Also, grey-haired person is Pamela, Galasso’s wife(?)/Conquest’s mom! She’s only made one cameo in DoA but played an important role in the backstory of Shortpacked.
i’m just waiting for him to finish so i can upload new ones, ruining everything
Oh Willis.
Willis, Willis, Willis, Willis, Willis.
….
I already KNEW you were planning to ruin everything. And now you tipped your hand and told me how.
Ahahahaha nice
And neat! I should probably maybe read the other comics sometime… maybe… reread shortpacked and try to remember who is who this time… sometime later.
It’s honestly really comforting to see something that looks like me and my wife at our lowest. Like, we’ve been through it now, but it feels good to see a (fictional, granted) depressive pair where at least one is suicidal at one point, actually succeed.
Definitely both.
man, I’m just…gonna leave it to the more articulate commenters to put these feelings into words while I sit here in the corner and make sad faces.
Billie you’re a proper dunderhead when you’ve a mind but when you’re like this, ah, you’re a proper darlin’.
Keep Ruth safe. I can’t even go there now.
billie has a very specific set of interpersonal skills that elude discrete classification
She commands a plethora of knowledge pertaining to terrible and horrific things.
Apparently that extends beyond druggings at parties to depression. I wonder what other terrible and horrific things fall under her purview.
Man these last few strips have been kinda heartbraking.
There’s a lot of people in the world who wouldn’t understand this strip, because neither they nor anyone around them ever went to that place. Those are the kinds of people who tell you to ‘cheer up’ and that you have ‘so much to live for’. Or even better, tell you to ‘snap out of it’ and ‘man up’. And I can’t even blame them, depression can be hard to understand for someone who has no personal experience with it.
What I don’t understand is how she says she doesn’t feel anything, when she sounds so scared. Also, it sounds like grandpa is the problem, so why want to get rid of yourself instead of him?
That part made sense. From my memory of depression pits, the fear and pain of awful scary events is numbed into a paste, so you’re more likely to do as she does here just talking about your fears and awful life experiences like it was happening to someone a million miles away from you.
Indeed. Ruth is talking about horrifying shit like it’s second nature. She’s still processing it, but the usual response of “wait this is scary and fucked up” is getting numbed.
I suspect the most terrifying part of this if we could actually hear it is that she doesn’t sound scared at all – the words sound like she’s scared, but the voice and tone aren’t. They’re just flat.
“Not feeling anything” is more a lack of base emotional experience than actually not having emotions. Like when you’re numb and can feel something that should hurt, but you experience no suffering, just the physical feeling of the things that are hurting you. Ruth can probably feel fear and despair, but she’s unable to experience the usual powerful emotional reactions sadness causes (like crying).
As for why she wants to get rid of herself instead of grandpa, well, Ruth talks about ripping femurs out but she’s probably not actually ready to murder an abusive grandfather who has lorded over her and her brother for a decade. Not that, in a depressed state, she’d be able to, since murder takes effort anyway. And as Howard’s only (?) living family, ending up in jail would be a subpar solution. If she fails maybe her grandfather will take it out on Howard.
And it’s not like her grandfather is the source of all her problems; there’s also her dead parents, the boyfriend in Canada she left behind, her self-loathing over becoming an alcoholic despite hating alcohol for having killed her parents, her self-loathing over having bullied Billie, whom she loves, her conflicted feelings over loving a drunk-driver, the sadness of having lost Billie, some recognition that she’s been unable to let her anger spill over on the people under her care, her failure at being a good RA, her failure at being a decent RA, her failure at even trying to attend to her RA duties, her probably slipping academic grades in a useless field, her failure to protect Carla from Mary’s homophobia, guilt over having tried to pass some of the blame for that on Carla…
Ruth’s seriously depressed. Every single failure she’s committed is coming back to haunt her, convincing her that she’s worthless and that life is nothing but failure and suffering. And she could escape all that if she just stopped living.
That is, some recognition that she’s been unable to keep her anger from spilling over on the people under her care.
All of this.
This is serioius; Ruth is seriously ill and needs the appropriate care. More importantly, it isn’t fair for Billie and Carla, who are only a little more than children themsleves, to have to be care-givers for someone without professional assistance.
Other than that, props to Willis for getting into the head of someone with serious depression so well. It’s something that you hear too often – the delusion (bordering on a desperate belief) that dying will somehow help their loved ones. It isn’t something that can be wished away or hugged away; it’s something that needs long, patient work to address.
Based on how freaked out Carla was earlier, I doubt that she’s going to stop at getting Billie back in there. Billie seems like she might be on the same page, but even if not, now that their secret is out and Dorothy, Walky and Sal all know what’s been going on with Ruth, somebody will at the very least get an adult involved.
Damn sh** body, curse of life, I was born with leaky O rings– my ocular gaskets were poorly installed before birth. That is why the video orbs are leaking. Or maybe it is allergies, certainly it is not Willis’ making the video orbs lose their lubricating gels. It is Not an emotional reaction to today’s strip, of that we are certain. They leak all the time during the Spring time. Not some overblown reaction to someone caring and making snuggle bunnies. Damnit Willis. Now I gotta explain why my voice is husky, it’s allergies.
I cannot contain the amount of feels right now
This is entirely too familiar. 🙁
I’m not sure if it’s my current shade of grey, or just a reminder of when things were at their most bleak, but this strip broke the floodgates. On the one hand, there’s a sort of comfort in the dialogue and the comments; I’m not alone in feeling like a burden more often than not, or in having to weigh the impact of my continued existence on loved ones, or guilt over not feeling…well, much of anything besides guilt. I’m not alone in the paralysis of thinking about life and death, and finding no appeal in either.
On the other, more dominant hand, it’s heartbreaking. Because no one else *should* feel like that. I would rather feel alone than see another person feel so worthless.
*hugs* You have worth and you will get through this.
I keep seeing the number 5 on Ruth’s ear. Can’t help it…
My first reaction was that the Roomies comic was Ruth’s thought experiment. She tried to imagine a world in which she committed suicide in a way that would make her family proud, and then they would be sorry they were ever so abusive. Then she got really drunk and amended it to include cartoon characters out to ruin everyone’s lives, literally.
Now I’m wondering if that head canon is really one of Willis’s autobiographical experiences leaking into the comic.
Ruth is the avatar he most gravitates towards, so… If so, *hugs* to Willis as well.
IIRC, Roomies! Ruth was supposed to be a representation of what Willis was going through at the time, and killing her off was an attempt to exorcise these feelings.
Billie is 100% right.
When my depression is at its worst, I’m inconsolable. I push away everyone that tries to comfort me. But after the fact, when things look up, I remember who was there and tried to help, and it is a comfort.
I think Billie is doing a good thing here. She’s not being pushy about her support, she’s just letting Ruth know she’s there, and that she’ll still be there when Ruth is ready for her.
Billie can’t save Ruth, but she may be able to help her save herself.
Dammit, girls, anti-depressants are a thing and are fucking fantastic! Look into them! You don’t have to live like this!
-Sincerely, Someone on Anti-Depressants.
preach it, friend! Meds are friends!
They are certainly very useful. And, contrary to popular belief, they are neither magic happy pills that turn you into an obedient blissed-out zombie, nor a con trick by the pharmaceutical companies that ought to be replaced with Jungian primal scream regression therapy. Just a pill that helps us not want to die.
sometimes, I do wish they worked better. but I gotta put some effort in
Saved my life in just six weeks, then I got one that worked even better. Didn’t work for someone I know, … Worked a miracle in six weeks for me.
Okay. Images are the way to go instead of words, I think (or a mess of broken links if I get it wrong). So, because of my own experience with depression, I sort of imagined Ruth feeling a bit like this. But in fact, through this strip I realise that Ruth is actually in a bit of a different place than I was; more like this at best, and more likely like this. I have, however, glimpsed the place where she’s headed, which looks something like this. Billie understanding is a good sign.
The last two panels… straight to the gut. I had to take a break from my desk at work because I got something in my eye.
I know! I’m blaming Willis. Eyelash or something.
OK, Carla’s given both Billie and Ruth a swift kick in the ass, so now she’s gotta go see Amber about a selfish Amazi-girl!
I wonder if I’m allowed a “guess where my other hand is” joke, for the last panel.
I have a question. What are you supposed to do to help somebody this depressed? Who do you call? 911?
Billy cares about her, but has no authority to put her into treatment. Ruth’s grandpa is part of why she’s so messed up. I don’t know about any other family.
She’s an adult, but unlikely to check herself into any treatment program.
So what do you do if a friend needs help but is too broken to seek it out themselves?
911 if it’s an emergency, definitely.
I’ve never been depressed or suicidal but I’m certified in mental health first aid (highly recommend it — http://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/cs/take-a-course/find-a-course/) and I’ve had a lot of depressed friends. Here’s what I’ve done (with the disclaimer that every case is different and you should probably err on the side of caution):
Obviously, listen, show empathy, express that you care. At some point once it seems like you’ve established that, ask if the person is thinking about committing suicide. If they say no (and you’re sure they mean it), you probably don’t need to call 911, but you should still strongly encourage them to get help. It may be a good idea to offer to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist/therapist yourself — it saves the person the energy of doing it and shows you really care.
If they say yes, ask if they’ve made a plan for doing it. If not, I’d probably do the above, but push a little harder.
If they have a plan, then ask if they’ve thought about when they would carry it out. If not, ehhh maybe suggest calling an ambulance but if they’re not okay with it then don’t do it but make sure they get professional help, like, today.
If they have a plan and a specific time they plan to carry it out, it’s probably 911 time.
Also! Make sure to practice self-care while supporting the person. It does literally no good for the person to make yourself sick over the situation. If anything, keeping yourself well can help you respond better if the person starts feeling guilty or something over the impact their illness is having on you.
okay so: there are definitely, one hundred percent, important and vital things you can do as a friend of someone this depressed. ultimately it’s their fight, but you being there and being present means the literal world. think of it as being the friend of somebody who’s sick, because that’s pretty much what’s happening.
911, i would save for suicide attempts.
for someone for them to talk to, here’s a list of phone numbers: http://psychcentral.com/lib/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/
if talking physically is too much, chat rooms are also available: http://www.depression-chat-rooms.org/ . i would personally recommend sevencupsoftea.
for you personally, here are some links that might help you: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-a-depressed-person.htm
http://www.depressiontoolkit.org/family-friends-caregivers/
don’t push them to do things that they may not be capable of doing yet; but when you’re with them, try to make it an enjoyable experience and maybe a little bit of a respite from depression hell, if possible? be yourself. be considerate of their limitations, but also encouraging to go out and do things you both find enjoyable.
if they say no, that’s okay; you can always try again another time. the most important thing is to be steady and consistently approachable, i think. like a low-pressure friendship might be the easiest way to keep that connection. don’t…dump your friend because they’ve become hard to hang out with, but don’t push yourself to be in situations where you’re drained, either. as always, figure out what your boundaries are and maintain them.
as a friend, it’s not your job to save them. but being present will mean the absolute world to them if the friendship is genuine. low-pressure and low-key are kind of the bywords here. like, idk, if you’re into cooking bringing over a casserole or something might take a lot of stress off of them, and give you an excuse to talk to them. much like cookies here meant the world to Ruth.
depression will take away a lot of people’s motivation to do, so the kinds of activities that would be best, depending on person, would probably be ones where they just have to show up. or even if that’s too much, where they can get picked up and dropped off. idk, for me one of my better motivators was having people need me. so it really depends on the person. you would know them better than i would!
As someone who suffers from depression too, this sub-arc hits me right in the feels. That last panel? It’s VERY important. I cannot emphasize that enough.
Yes, I know people who couldn’t believe that I and others really, really wanted to help, and could. I have seen some amazing successes and not so many failures.
Realest strip on the whole Web. Re Joyce, for example, I was just now reading about more than 20 members of the Fred Phelps family at Westboro Baptist Church getting out, or getting thrown out.
Yeah Ruth is the character I emphasise with the most. When I kill myself the only people who will notice are those who lives my absence makes better.
*hugs*
“When”??
Please tell me that was a poor choice of words, and you don’t have plans for this.
The eyes… the fucking eyes
Ow my heart. >.<
Billie absolutely nailing the “loving a person with depression” thing. I’m saving that line. She’s a way nicer person than she gives herself credit for.
Billie implies that Ruth has a future. In which she will feel all the feels.
Sympathy thru light Internet kicking!
I’m in a partial hospitalization program right now for depression, and the end of this strip hit me so hard I started bawling. Thank you, Billie (And David).
Good luck!
Been through this, and came out the other side because of some people who stayed with me even when I couldn’t feel anything.