Yeah, I gave that a decade and change. Once I was debating killing myself or getting divorced I finally realized it wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave. (there was a lot more wrong than just sexual incompatibility) The joke of course is when thoughts of suicide came up during the reasons for separating, the ex thought I was talking about them, because they had no ability to consider my perspective.
P.S. I know I was an f’ing moron for staying in that as long as I did. It’s ok though, because my next relationship was way more toxic and only lasted two years. Sadly the repercussions from both are now generational and I deal with that every day.
Cheers all. Didn’t mean to sympathy fish and obviously this is just my version of things. I’m trying to put a cap on that. Just, couldn’t let the idea of denying oneself their nature for their partner slide without speaking up.
Remember people, love isn’t giving yourself up for another[*], it’s you and your partner working to be more and actualizing, and empowering (not enabling).
*Caveat: parents doing extreme things for their kids is not covered by this.
It kind of is, though. A parent sacrificing themself for their kids is incredibly stupid and harmful to the kid (yes, I can imagine a few rare situations in which it is the least stupid and harmful option available to them, but it’s still stupid). A kid loses a LOT when they lose a parent, it can traumatize them for the rest of their lives. It’s much better for a parent to LIVE for their kids.
Becky has, on multiple happenings, both been told straight up Dinah wants sex and at least implied she knows Dinah wants sex, so I have no fucking clue what Becky’s hang-up is here. Unless it’s some weird confirmation bias thing where Becky is taking Dinah’s asexuality to mean that she was right and that sex is a sin.
Yep, this. Becky doesn’t acknowledge Dina’s willingness to explore sex because in Becky’s mind, that probably doesn’t even count. They can’t have sex until after marriage, so that’s a moot point. This leaves expressions of sexual lust as the sum total of sexuality, and if that’s your only standard for a sexual element in a relationship then yeah, a fully asexual person is just as incompatible with her as Joyce.
She probably also sees sexuality as purely lust and its satiation. I don’t think she can understand someone on the asexual spectrum being willing to have sex. If someone was ace, they’d never have sex, since they wouldn’t have any reason to sin or even bother with marriage to make it not a sin (or less sinful depending on the specifics of her beliefs).
I think this is going to be a huge struggle for her unless she gets a healthier attitude towards sex, attraction, and romance. My fingers are crossed that gender studies or something helps her get there.
Becky wants Dina to want her the way she wants Dina. I like their couple and I’m hoping for them to work things out. Maybe these are hangups Becky will be able to resolve as she learns to understand asexuality better. Or maybe that’s something she needs in her partner, and I feel compelled to say that is a valid way to feel.
I went back and re-read the strips and what Dina appears to be saying is that she’s horny sometimes but not horny other times, and Becky seems to interpret anything less than 24/7 burning sexual frustration as a sign that’s something wrong.
Also, given that Dina and Leslie haven’t ever interacted with each other on-panel, Leslie assuming that anyone who doesn’t constantly want to have sex with Becky is probably asexual is *kind of a leap*.
Well Dina is confirmed grey-ace and Becky is telling Leslie that Dina doesn’t just not want to have sex but seems to have *zero* sexual inclinations (which is wrong, I’ll get to that), and I think the bigger issue is that Becky is telling Leslie her issues in a way that makes it sound much more catastrophic than it actually is. Becky’s conveying the issue as if Dina has zero sexual interest in her, and pointedly *not* saying that it’s Becky herself that’s rejecting sexual intimacy with Dina because of her repressive upbringing.
But yeah the crux of this particular strip is that Becky thinks not being able to invoke in Dina constant horny on main feelings is a personal failing on herself.
I think Becky’s insecurity is less that Dina doesn’t want sex but that she might not feel the same attraction to Becky that Becky does to her, which is the second time this has happened. We’ll see if Becky further elaborates on that. She might feel like she’s not attractive to girls, which is the wrong way to take it, but we can’t control what we think about ourselves.
^this, yeah- Becky is many things but prone to simple, direct problem-solving is not one of them. She might be considering breaking up with Dina because she specifically wants validation from her relationship, or she might just be overreacting- both are possible options
Dina’s canonically gray-ace on the sexuality spectrum, but her Walkyverse/Dumbingverse relationships + her statement in this ‘verse that she is “unconcerned” with gender may indicate that she’s panromantic (not necessarily the same thing as pansexual).
She could still be pan for both in addition to also being gray-ace. I say that because I myself am demisexual/romantic but I also consider myself pansexual/romantic at the same time and both are equally important aspects for me. Because yes my attraction is super rare, but it also is not limited to any one gender. Though I do not have the actual interest in sex that Dina does.
But she’s also said that she’s not attracted to Becky the way Becky is attracted to her. That’s what Becky wants: to be wanted, to be desired. To have that reciprocation. Otherwise she’s always going to feel like it’s something Dina is doing FOR her, which, it kind of would be. Even if Dina is enthusiastic to try, it’s because she just wants to have the experience or because she cares about Becky and wants to share this with her, not because it’s something she desires for her own fulfillment.
I don’t know where people are getting the idea that Dina herself cannot be fulfilled by or desire sex. Though I am not one of them, there are people all across the asexuality spectrum that have sex drives and want sex and don’t just do it for other people. You can not be sexually attracted to any specific person and still desire and enjoy sex.
No, no, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Dina may be enthusiastic to have sex with Becky, and she may enjoy it very much if they did, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is not attracted to Becky. Becky wants Dina to WANT HER, the way Becky wants Dina. She is not seeking sex with Becky because she looks at Becky and feels an urge and desire to have sex with her. She is WILLING to have sex with Becky for any number of reasons, perhaps even eager, but she is still not ATTRACTED to her. And Becky wants her to be.
Oh, then I’m glad we are in agreement! It just came across to me as if you felt Dina wouldn’t get as much out of it as Becky. And yes there are sex-neutral and sex-repulsed people where this might be true, but it is very commonly assumed that no ace people can be sex positive and genuinely just enjoy it for themselves when that isn’t true.
I think Becky is concerned that when they explore this territory, Dina will be satisfied with way less interaction and leave Becky hanging. It is an option to not at all get into this if it is foreseeable. Dina being curious might not mean she will stay so after the first few tries. Like my husband who was really open to trying opening up our relationship when I suggested, but decided it was not okay for him after a few occasions. And that is a valid outcome of an experiment.
Thank youuuuuu, as someone who is also asexual that doesn’t feel sexual attraction but still likes to have sex, I’m glad this was said. Im hoping this is ISN’T the reason on why they break up, I’m very biased here but Becky seems like she’s way overreacting. Dina in the past has been very clear on how she would like to have sex and is willing to wait for whenever Becky is ready, seems a bit crappy on Becky’s end to not be able to accept this one thing about Dina and is asking other people if they should break up
Wanting your partner to be attracted to you isn’t some small thing. Dina could be totally eager and interested in having sex with Becky but Becky might always end up feeling like something is missing because Dina isn’t looking at her and thinking “Oh wow. Becky you are so beautiful and that shirt you’re wearing makes you look so sexy it makes me want to kiss you and touch you.”
Becky is still very young so she’s still figuring out if “partner feels sexual attraction for me” is something she needs in a relationship.
@Bix902: I would say that she already figured that one out: she needs to be physically desired by her partner.
The part she still has to figure out is, when such desire is lacking, is it a deal breaker for her or is it not if everything else shows that she’s loved and desired, just not physically.
Right, but I’m responding to the comment saying Becky is overreacting and being crappy by not accepting this ONE THING about Dina.
Needing to feel desired by your partner isn’t some casual little thing that can be easily brushed aside and it doesn’t make a person crappy if they are plunged into doubt and anxiety if they suddenly find out that their partner (who is still a good person whom they enjoy and care for) does not feel physically attracted to them
@Bix902: I totally agree with you. It’s even more understandable if, to you, being attracted to whoever you want is something you actually had to fight for, after years of hiding it.
I find it weird that Becky is so worried about this when she’s still got her religious beliefs about having sex before marriage or whatever, while Dina doesn’t have those beliefs and is willing to explore the sexual side of their relationship. Unless maybe Becky is reconsidering those beliefs already.
I think those beliefs are a big part of why she feels this way. If you can’t actually have sex, the next closest thing is at least sharing mutual attraction. That makes the attraction aspect way more important than it might be for someone who has both sex and attraction in their sex lives.
She probably files Dina’s willingness under her “temptation” mental folder rather than as part of her “healthy relationship” folder. Which means it doesn’t just not count, but likely feels like a negative.
The last two times Becky tried to move into sexytimes didn’t go well. She kissed her roommate at Anderson and ended up on the run. She kissed Joyce and realized that long desired accomplishment ended up in a dead end.
If she took a psych class they would teach her about avoidance/approach dilemmas. It’s quite common to want something and fear it too.
Yeah, I feel like this intense level of concern is premature. It’s a good thing to be thinking about, sure, and it’s a good thing to be able to discuss, but right now, it feels like Becky is borrowing trouble. Which makes complete sense as she’s 19 and going through *gestures vaguely at everything* so I’m not complaining. I just don’t share her perspective on the issue, and I hope she gives Dina (and herself!) the chance to work through this before deciding it’s all doomed.
The grav is based on your email(or account if you have one). Change the email(some people just adjust capitalization) and it gives you a new one at random. And when Willis updates the list, they’re re-randomized again.
And if you’re very lucky, it’s possible for two different randomizations in a row to give you the same grav, thus providing the illusion that it didn’t change for you.
Source: got the same grav thrice in a row at one point while I was doing grav roulette. 😛
Yeah I aware of the address mechanics for grav roulette. (I wrote them up) On top of grav-roulette, people have made comments like their gravatar changed without their choosing, based apparently on DyW adding new Gravs on the backend. (maybe it changes their order in the index or hash table or something). Maybe it’s also from peeps accidentally changing their input email, but I can’t control for that. The discussion around the mechanics for changing gravs is what evolved into the game of grav roulette we all know and love today. But now I want to know MOAR.
You can’t have had that Sarah for too long, since it’s one of the new season gravatars. There hasn’t been a change in a little while though – I think the last was when he added glasses Joyce right after she first appeared.
People commenting since then are likely infrequent commenters who didn’t notice the change before. Or possibly fooled by posting from a different device with a differently capitalized email.
And yes, past comment gravatars shift, which makes some old conversations incomprehensible.
“And yes, past comment gravatars shift, which makes some old conversations incomprehensible.”
Indeed. Looking at last August I can see the same Sarah-grav. It’s a pitty they don’t get locked in on the posts. I understand why not, but it slso reveals the temporal nature and inherent decay in even electronic media.
Hold the phone. Didn’t Becky just get through an arc where Dina had to assure her that Dina wouldn’t rush the sexual side of things if Becky wasn’t comfortable yet? And now Becky’s concerned that Dina won’t want to rush things enough?
Nope, but let me try to break it down at least how I see it: Becky wants sex, but despite breaking free of the surface aspects of her fundamentalist upbringing and modifying her religious beliefs to accommodate her sexual identity, she never really got over the *culture* of being a fundie.
Becky is horny on main for Dina, but Becky can *never* act on that because premarital sex is a sin. However, Becky still grew up in a culture that told her that her value as a woman, as a human being, was predicated on having a partner and sexing them up to provide babies. To Becky, her ideal state is having a partner who constantly lavishes her with praise for being attractive, but never acting on that until they’re married under the eyes of God.
Becky craves and needs to be perceived as sexually enticing but is terrified of acting on that in a healthy manner, and meanwhile there’s Dina, who lacks the capacity to be as overtly sexually interested in Becky as Becky is into Dina, and this hurts her because in a way, Dina not being expressly, constantly attracted to Becky means that Becky is somehow failing her God-sanctioned role as a wife.
Becky’s a lesbian tradwife. She wants all the same fundie things she was told she needed to have, but she wants them with Dina, but Dina can’t give her that because Dina doesn’t do constant, overt sexual attraction, and she’d say the simple solution is that she and Becky just have sex as long as Becky is comfortable to have it, and Becky, as she is right now, never will be.
Is it also possible that (subconsciously) Becky buys into the whole “men are ravenous sexual beasts who can’t control themselves, so as long as the man initiates things, it’s not the girl’s fault if they do sexy things” viewpoint? Which is horrible but means you can do sexy things so long as you make it look kinda rape-y — but Dina is never going to do that, because she’s never going to be so turned on that she “loses all control” (due to Becky’s massive sexiness). So it’s not just that Dina’s not constantly attracted to her that way, it’s that she’s never going to do anything that gives Becky the out she needs to give in to her horniness.
Dina (well, except for her first kissing Becky) is by nature into consent. Becky’s been raised to not consent, or at least seem not to. These are somewhat incompatible kinks. Hopefully, Becky’s is curable.
That may be a first step. “May” here because CNC may or may not be within Dina’s capabilities to perform even if she does occasionally display some Primal tendencies. “First step” here because, even if both are onboard with the idea, CNC, like all such things, really needs them to sit down and have a frank discussion about what they want from the relationship and what they’re willing to do to achieve those desires.
But consensual non-consent doesn’t work for Becky, because she’d have to consent up front. She’d need to plan to have sex, even if it looked like it was just heat of the moment, and that would be a sin.
It could work, but she’d have to clue Dina in that’s what she wants without ever being explicitly clear about it – which is a horrible idea. And yet very much a part of “traditional” teen courting rituals.
Yea I’m also pretty sure thats true.
Becky’s going to have to come to terms with what she wants and not have her partner guess what she wants and force it on her.
I also think I want this but I don’t want to want this is not really the same thing as having this forced on me so long as at the end of the day I can refuse sounds fun.
… Now that you mention it, yes, I can very much see that going on with Becky, too (whether she’s consciously aware of it or not.)
Honestly it reminds me of how Walky and Amber were so ‘oh no we shouldn’t screw around’ and then kept hanging out and thinking about how much they wanted to screw around anyway, and rationalized it with how they were just too horny not to bang without a chaperone. (Or, you know, a romance novel from the 70s-90s or so.)
Yeah, Becky has a LOT to unpack about her sexuality from her upbringing.
Yes, agreed. (I mean, Becky wants a bit more than the total fundie tradwife package, because she also wants to be a scientist, but we’ve seen her imagined future is very much her and Joyce married to other people in an idyllic suburban cul de sac, basically what they were growing up except they’re allowed to have ambitions and Becky’s allowed to be a lesbian.) It’s totally that Becky wants to be just as irresistably sexy to Dina as Dina is to Becky, except they can’t act on it because that would be Sinful, and the fact that Dina clearly wants to have sex with Becky, does feel some sexual attraction to Becky, and has indicated she thinks she’d enjoy sex with Becky regardless of whether she’s currently super turned on just by Becky’s existence (as opposed to, say, actions that would get her more sexually aroused) is immaterial to this anxiety.
It’s totally a fundie hangup. It’s one that I suspect Becky can work through with support and talking things out with her girlfriend like a mature person, but at the same time Leslie is right and just because Dina was Becky’s first girlfriend doesn’t mean they have to be together forever. It doesn’t have to be breakup-worthy, but if it is, that’s how it is. (I do hope it’s not, though, because there’s a lot of depth to plumb in Becky unpacking her upbringing and their stability is comforting when everything else in this strip is in flux. Plus it brings out a lot of Dina being a fully-fleshed out character rather than occasional dinosaur or supernaturally stealthy because she’s quiet jokes.)
For my next analyses: Why Joyce and Joe are absolutely married and why Danny is the most significant bisexual male narrative currently in sequential art.
While I don’t agree that Becky needs constant praise for her sexual value to her partner (as a few people have kind of hinted at) you’ve done solid work in compiling a likely explanation for some of Becky’s motivations. I only disagree that Becky needs Dina to be constantly overtly sexually attracted to her. Becky’s been fine with the status quo for months. However she is now aware that she will not likely *ever* be sexually arousing to her partner. At least not at a frequency that would see her own needs fulfilled. It’s not that Becky can never get that with a lesbian partner, she can get married and do the hankies panky, but even if she does marry Dina and the gloves come off, Dina isn’t going to then be all over Becky.
A core tenet of christianity is fullfilment deferred (heaven), so even if you toil in misery for your entire life for the benefit of others, as long as you’ve been good, you’ll get yours in the end. Sanctified marriage is kind of a -mid-point- reward for that, to drive home the point that being a good christian has it’s perks. (we’ll ignore as tangential to this discussion the point that a person can go out and reward themselves with a consenting partner any time they please). So following the Christian rules still, Becky I think was expecting that Dina did want her sexually but was being reserved to be respectful of Becky’s needs. And Becky was ok with that. But now that Becky knows she likely won’t ever be sexually enticing to Dina, that changes the midgame point that Becky thought she was saving herself for.
Well, that could be the case. There’s also just the fact that straight up, it can hurt to find out your partner isn’t sexually attracted to you. And this would be the second time she was massively attracted to a girl who didn’t feel the same way. It’s normal to want to feel wanted by your partner, and i could very easily see becky falling into thinking she’s just not attractive to women which would obviously be harmful
Exactly. I think on some level, she feels like Dina is turning out to just be Joyce all over again. That’s probably especially concerning for her, since that’s still very raw.
She would need to get to a healthier view of sexuality so she can “count” willingness and interest in having sex as part of a sexual relationship (not to mention actually doing the deed), instead of seeing attraction as the only meaningful component.
I think that arc was Becky feeling guilt over not wanting/being able to provide Dina with sex, which Dina had expressed interest in pre-timeskip. But Becky hadn’t realized Dina was asexual then, and misinterpreted Dina’s request as rampant horniness she could not satisfy, whereas Dina has clarified that what she really wanted was for Becky to feel comfortable.
So Becky wasn’t afraid of Dina rushing sex; rather, she was afraid of HERSELF rushing sex to please Dina. Now she’s concerned that if/when she and Dina have sex, it won’t be the same to both of them, as Dina would draw more pleasure from Becky’s gratification than the actual experience.
(If other people interpreted it differently, feel free to chime in)
Becky is researching an aspect of her relationship that she expects to see fulfilled. People should not be demeaned for expressing an interest in something that their corporeal form is *screaming* at them to pursue. She should totes be dialoguing with Dina about this, but it’s not an over-reaction for her to go and consult an available *subject matter expert* on the topic. (Leslie’s inability to apply her knowledge to her own life not-withstanding)
For people with a sufficiently high sex drive, your implication of Becky over reacting sounds the same as demeaning someone for wanting to know they can have some water when they get thirsty. (to slip in a pop-culture meme as a reference.)
No, I agree with Thag on this. Dina has indicated, for the first time ever, that while she is not classically attracted to anybody, she is interested in Becky in a sexual way. Becky has a storied history in their relationship of trying to find problems and ways the relationship with Dina is just too good to be true or doomed to fail.
At this point, it’s Dina who has repeatedly, gently indicated her sexual availability to Becky, and interest in Becky on that level. It’s certainly true that Dina being asexual may not be constantly motivated by hormones the way Becky is, but Becky has /also/ refused or avoided the advances Dina has laid out.
What’s invalidating Dina’s identity is making a blanket assumption about her interest in Becky, because she doesn’t have the same hormonal drive as others, and ignore the elements that -do- entice her and clear signals she’s giving, and in particular for Becky, to try to make decisions about what Dina must want based on conversations with /people who are not Dina/.
So far in practical reality maybe Becky is constantly scared of her own sex drive and fighting with it so it’s more present on her mind, but it isn’t explicitly down to having a high sex drive as much as it is battling her fundie upbringing and everything that entails for her as a gay, sexual woman. In practical reality, she has no need to worry about not being found desirable by Dina because Dina is the one clearly indicating that she desires her, every time the subject comes up.
And the reason I take exception to this is because I am grey-ace and while not explicitly attracted physically to my partner with a high sex drive, I do desire sex with him and my interest in him is largely due to how much I love him and admire him as a person. It is in neither of our interests for people to be making assumptions about our compatibility because we don’t have exactly the same concepts of what constitues desire.
Yep, this. There’s way too much of Becky’s angst here being from her upbringing causing shame around sexuality (both in general and hers specifically,) giving her no real way to learn How Sex Drives And Desire Work beyond her own specific experience. I wouldn’t be shocked if this was the first time she heard about asexuality, ever. We can’t draw any conclusions about longterm viability of the relationship off this, or if there genuinely is a libido mismatch, without Becky and Dina talking about this. Sexual attraction is not the end-all, be-all of romantic attraction or sexual desire. Dina wants to have sex with Becky for DINA’S sake.
Now, is Becky allowed to consider ‘wanting her girlfriend to experience longterm sexual attraction towards her’ a necessary thing? Sure. Becky’s allowed to consider only dating girls whose first name contains two vowels a necessary thing. It’d be unfortunate, and honestly kind of shitty if you ask me, but you can break up for literally any reason whatsoever including ones that are actively shitty and prejudiced (in which case, hey! Your partner no longer has to deal with your prejudices.) But this doesn’t even have to require COMPROMISE so much as Becky learning that everyone experiences sexual attraction and desire differently. I think she can. But first she has to stop letting her anxiety take the wheel. (Admittedly, easier said than done.)
Nice artwork! I don’t know why, but it bothers me that she lost the tie when the jacket came off. Also, I was expecting Dick Grayson for some reason and /still clicked/.
Becky, just because your gf has a lower sexual drive does not mean that you are incompatible. Even if Dina is confirmed to be asexual, she still wants to and is willing to have sex with you, when you are comfortable with it. She won’t push you to do it and she is also willing to wait, try not to overthink things.
Also I fully realize the futility of telling someone like Becky to not overthink things. But I can try, right?
I really don’t think it’s about the sex drive. I think it’s about the fact that, even if they have sex as many times a day as Becky wants, it will never be because Dina looked at Becky, and felt super horny about how attractive and sexy she finds her. Dina does not, and may never, desire Becky in the exact same way that Becky desires Dina. At most, we’ve now seen Dina be sexually aroused by the idea of doing science stuff with Becky, but that’s really not the same thing as “I crave your sexy body, you attractive person, you”.
After her first love (Joyce) ALSO turned out to be fundamentally incapable of returning Becky’s physical attraction (due to being straight), this appears to be a specifically sore point for her.
Yes, but it appears now that it wasn’t sexually arousing to Dina as it was logically arousing. Dina gets intellectually aroused by many things, but now that we’ve seen how big a deal she made about her sexual arousal, it recasts a lot of what we *thought* was sexual arousal in a very different light.
Yeah. I mean, we know Dina is romantically attracted to Becky, and I think we have seen at least one other moment that was rare but existent sexual attraction. (I’m willing to say the dinosaur onesie was potentially a turnon, but in a stage of their relationship she wasn’t ready to act on and rare enough she didn’t necessarily recognize ‘oh, yeah, that’s what it is,’ so she didn’t think on it as hard as the science. Since it wasn’t immediate recognition there either, could go one of several ways.) I wouldn’t be shocked if in a Slipshine she found that she liked having sex with Becky and got physically aroused having sex, but the actions are what turn her on rather than Becky’s existence. But Becky specifically wants it to be Becky’s existence. Could be a long discussion of this (and the things about Becky specifically Dina is attracted to romantically, even if they aren’t always sexually) helps, since part of this seems to be hangups from her upbringing. She’s only slightly more willing to consider she has Sexual Urges than Joyce, and in no small part because it’s harder to avoid that fact when she’s in a relationship. It’s probably not healthy longterm that her conception of sexual attraction, at least for her personally, is ‘constant, barely contained desire that would be horribly sinful to ever act on so we must maintain perfect self control (until the church has sanctified our union and then we have sex nonstop because it’s okay now)’. Could be that, yeah, this is ultimately something Becky would need to find a relationship fulfilling, even setting aside other aspects and understanding that Dina experiencing attraction differently doesn’t mean she’s unattracted to Becky. (Which, again, seems to be part of the issue in Becky’s mind – it’s not entirely clear how much she recognizes this is ‘you’re not doing anything wrong, I just experience attraction differently in general’ versus I Have Failed For My Girlfriend Doesn’t Find Me Sexy, because she went right to repression and freak out mode.)
I love Robin’s hand on Leslie’s shoulder, just laying there to remind us that in one strip time, Becky will be getting the worst possible advice from a certain former congresswoman.
Thanks, that’s what I meant. In 5 strips Robin would have filibustered Congress to allow her to stay and send Jake Manley in a diplomatic mission to Antarctica.
Please include the last final important crumb of context maybe
Like, that Dina recently *did* have a moment of sexual attraction, to you, and that she has been open about wanting to explore “touching many places”, like, these are important and without this context Leslie can only dispense advice that is well-intentioned but bad
I know! I know this! I know that the important thing here is that Becky needs to feel desired and desirable!
BUT, and this is the POINT, Leslie is talking very broadly about asexuality because she does not have the context that Becky has been given, but due to having a Stupid College Teen Brain and being From Circumstances, is not able to interpret correctly.
Leslie’s broad advice is well-intended, but without the context of “Dina has expressed sexual desire for me, just not as often as I do for her” is likely to become part of a misinterpretation snowball.
IF Leslie were to be offered the important context, she might* be able to express to Becky that in her own way, as much as she is physically able, Dina *does* find Becky desirable! Possibly to the same degree Becky finds her, just in different circumstances!
*: I do not think Leslie is capable of actually explaining this 100% successfully. She is Leslie and also only humans. But she could try, and it might be enough, and it might not be the downward spiral of misunderstandings we can see beginning in this strip.
Eh, most advice most of the time is basically like tossing a coin. Be it because you find yourself agreeing, or disagreeing, it will reveal to you what you knew you were gonna do all along, not actually inspire new thoughts.
Considering her background, would Becky be feeling that they should be doing that ghastly cliche where one of them has to take a male role and the other a female role? One of them has to be horny and aggressive and the other has to shy and reluctant?
I think it’s more that she can’t bring herself to make the first move for fear of sin, and wants her partner to push her harder so she can justify it or displace some of the “blame”.
Her misunderstanding gray-asexuality isn’t helping either, but that tracks with her not empathising with experiences different from her own.
Or they could be getting one of those romantic comedy misunderstanding loops where they are each so concerned with catering to what the other person wants or doesn’t want that they ignore what they want or don’t want.
As an asexual who has a libido but has never really experienced sexual attraction to any specific person, I can see Dina fitting in in the gray ace side of the spectrum (where we have reason to believe she defines herself.) Not to say not wanting sex at all is in some way less legitimate a form of asexuality, but there’s definitely a lot of varieties of us out there in how we relate to sex as a concept separate from sexual attraction. (And then there’s romance, which is its own different kettle of fish…) Dina being open or interested in sex doesn’t mean she isn’t in some way on the asexuality spectrum.
Speaking of which, I don’t think we’ve ever seen Dina and Carla (who is definitely a sex-repulsed asexual) interact. That’d be an interesting conversation, now I want to see it.
Is Carla sex-repulsed, in this continuity? I know she famously was in the Walkyverse, but some of that came with the whole android deal, and Carla in Dumbiverse seemed like she made a lot of commentary re: having a thing for watching girls dom other girls in what seemed like a sexually explicit way?
Not that this makes her any less ace-spectrum, just if Willis confirmed she’s sex-repulsed I missed it.
Carla is aware that sexual contact with mere flesh, which is mortal and weak, is beneath her, a creature of divinity; her carnal desires are reserved for powers and principalities.
Yup, that’s a common misconception about kink. 🙂 While there are many of us kinksters who love to mix our sex with kink, it is entirely possible for people to enjoy the psychological or physiological sensations of kink without having to bring sex into it. I did make the acquaintance once of an ace submissive who was very much into bondage (especially suspension bondage), but who had no desire to bring sex into it. She attended quite a few bondage workshops as a rope bunny to demonstrate various ties and such, and one thing I particularly liked about her instruction sessions was that she would sometimes go “Now, if you want to be able to engage in sex using this tie, you need to modify it like this…” It wasn’t something she did herself, but she was considerate enough to know many of us did and expanded her teachings accordingly. 🙂
As far as I can tell Becky is perfectly aware that Dina is interested in sex sometimes, the problem is that she’s worried about libido mismatch. Or to put it another way, if Becky wants to bang twice a day and Dina wants to bang twice a week or even twice a month, that’s likely to be a source of friction and frustration no matter how you slice it. Either Becky ends up constantly horny and unsatisfied, or Dina feels pressured to perform more often than she’s comfortable with (or at least, Becky is worried that she’s pressuring her that way.)
It might be something they can work out, it might not, but it feels like a perfectly valid concern to me. Becky is kind of a boiling volcano of repressed lust, and that doesn’t necessarily pair well with “sure, sex eventually, sometimes.”
I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they should break up immediately but it’s something worth talking through with both other people for some perspective and each other as well. She’s confused and uncertain about how any of this works, why not bring up her anxieties with an older authority figure she trusts?
I do hope she doesn’t decide to do anything suddenly and unilaterally, though.
I manged to comment on the shirts thread instead of here:
Dina has EXPLICITLY SAID she is DFT. Asexual people can have a variety of libidos and sex favourabilities. the Ace part just means their attraction has a small-negligible sexual component. Doesn’t mean they don’t want or enjoy sex, and Dina, at least, wants to find out more about it, even if she’s not fetishising Becky’s scalp.
Maybe it’ll turn out that Dina is not really dtf after the initial fact-finding missions. And if sexual gratification is high on Becky’s list of needs, then yeah, they’re not so compatible, at least with monogamous parameters. but lets not jump the gun. (especially, it kinda seems like someone sexually into Becky would be salve on a few mental scars)
I mean, it’s usually worse when you’re, you know, a teenager, and your hormones are super wacky while your priorities and sense of scale are still developing. Plus Becky’s not actually, you know, satisfying her sexual urges, which means that instead of just moving on with the rest of her day, she’s being consumed with sex thoughts that never get resolved. Like, if you’re hungry, but then you eat a sandwich, you aren’t gonna be thinking about food again for a while- but if you’re hungry, and you never get to eat, of course it’s gonna become a very big concern for you.
But like, yeah, I don’t think most people are debilitatingly horny most of the time. Maybe occasionally, especially if we’re not having sex that is to our satisfaction (in quantity or quality). But assuming you’ve got that worked out, it’s really nowhere near as big a deal as the comic makes it sound. But the comic wouldn’t have an interesting conflict here, if Becky were just like “oh, yeah, I guess it would be nice to have sex with Dina, hopefully we can do that at a rate that makes us both happy in the future”.
This is not the answer I would have given when I was a teenager myself, of course. When I was around Becky’s age, I would have said “yes, oh god, I’m dying, life is unending suffering, please someone send help and/or dick ASAP”. But I would have definitely been exaggerating things a bit. I did still do homework and stuff.
Yeah, food cravings are often my go-to as an analogy. Admittedly it can only go so far and ‘I will make you mashed potatoes for drugs’ doesn’t quite fly, but it works on most aspects.
I assumed people just dealt with it in ways they could deal with autonomously? Becky is probably hornier than average allosexual (or at least, verbally hornier), but she definitely isn’t unrealistic, esp. for someone for whom having sex at all only became possible like 2-3 months back
Well that’s what fapping is for if you don’t have a sexual partner. Becky’s main problem is that she has no way to release that tension in a healthy way so it builds up.
I interesting made a gray ace male and heterosexual female romance as the basis for one of my books (PSYCHO KILLERS IN LOVE — it’s about people who hunt 80s slashers). What’s interesting is it got some bad reviews from readers who wanted the relationship to “fix” the ace protagonist and were disappointed he was happy with the relationship as is. It also got a surprising amount of support from ace readers who said I managed to get it right. So I’m glad of that.
Manage expectations in your relationships and what each partner wants/needs.
One of the things I really dislike about fandom in general is the assumption that any deep, intimate relationship must include/progress to sex. Platonic friendship between people of incompatible (or compatible!) orientations, even at the “trust you with my life” level, isn’t good enough – they have to be doin’ it.
(I suspect a lot of this is because the secondary or even primary goal is getting the author and/or readers off – what they really want is porn with their favorite characters and/or actors, and maybe a plot and some good story/emotional beats to go along with.)
Becky, darling. Talk to Roz, buy yourself a sex toy of your choice and have a long honest talk with Dina and figure out what both of you want and a compromise. She is good at that.
Well, at least Leslie is being clear and honest about her own problems: “Actually I’m such an emotional mess that I doubt that I’d be able to handle this in a healthy way if it was actually happening to me!”
OK and this is calling way back, but if Becky wants to turn Dina on she should wear something easily removed and say “Dina! Prepare to take copious notes!”
Frankly, I’m confused by Becky’s wants here. She has a girlfriend willing to wait for her despite the fact she doesn’t share Becky’s religious beliefs. Presumably, she’s not planning on violating said beliefs. So what is she hoping to gain by moving to someone who is likely going to be upset at Becky abstaining unless they do share said values?
Becky thought that Dina was ok with going slow AND was just as physically attracted to Becky as Becky is to Dina. But now she understand that, while Dina is eager to explore the sexual side of their relationship, it’s not because she’s physically attracted to Becky which seems to be something that Becky desperately wants.
There’s a difference between “willing to wait” and “not wanting to do it at all.”
Like if someone was looking for a drinkiing buddy who agreed with them that you shouldn’t drink before five o’clock, I would be perfect … right up to five o’clock, and then they’d realise their mistake.
Quick clarification, because I’ve been nitpicking my own metaphor: If this person decided they were fine with having a “drinking buddy” who was sticking with Coke Zero, then cool, I’d be happy to hang out with them. But I’d totally understand if they weren’t.
Remnants of her fundie upbringing are a dam holding back an ocean of horniness that she’s struggling to break down.
It seems like she wants her partner to push her, not simply put the option on the table. Maybe in her mind that would let her displace some of the “sinful blame”?
Yes, it works out for Becky NOW to have a girlfriend who isn’t eager for sex. But what happens years down the road (if they should happen to get married). Will Becky be in a relationship where she is eager (and able) for sex, but Dina isn’t.
As an ace queer guy i’m torn between wanting this to work out for them, wanting it NOT to work out for them due to being sick of always seeing these situations work out in media (on the few, very rare occasions that they are even represented) as if they always work out IRL, which, frankly they rarely do, and wanting it to work out again because seeing it not work will just be super depressing for me, even if accurate.
Though i think the fact Fina seems to be demi/grey rather than completely sex adverse might be the key to the solution here.
If it makes you feel better the media likes to pin happy endings onto lots of situations which would not work out in real life not just romantic relationships.
Have you seen Bojack Horseman? Its sort of depressing but it has an ace man go through multiple relationships which don’t work.
I have indeed, but Todd almost never faces asexuality issues from within, the only challenges he really faces are either his own misconceptions of what asexuality is supposed to be, or they work out fine and without issue.
The only times he actually faces any sort of external challenge in that regard is either when having to pretend to be sexual in front of his gfs extremely sexual family – which, i wouldnt exactly use as an actual example of asexual hardships, and his incompatibility with Emily – who hes not even interested in pursuing romantically, and who immediately accepts him. The only issues stemming from that is that he feels bad that he cant satisfy her, which is a ery legitinate ace issue, but mostly motivated by himself, rather than facing any externsl hardships due to being ace.
Plus, he’s todd, everything always works out for him. He gets a gf in the end thats totally chill with that.
Meanwhile, at a different table across the room, Vivian turns her headphones up even louder and hunches closer to her laptop screen. “Don’t get involved in the plot. Don’t get involved in the plot. Don’t get involved in the plot.“, she mentally repeats to herself.
Seems that Becky has already taken her decision. Leslie is more on the Bojack Horseman “Nobody completes anybody. That’s not a real thing. If you’re lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, sink your nails in and don’t let go, no matter what” side. I can’t wait to see Robin absolutely unrequited advice.
Ah. The fear of never meeting anyone else vs a relationship that’s not working. I ran into that last year. Met a sweet girl, we had many things in common, I was considering introducing her to my friends and family … and then it turned out she was really INTENSLY deeply religious. I hadn’t even considered that, most WLW I’ve met have never been much into religion. So we sat there on a date, and she explained earnestly how we humans were cast out of Eden for disobeying, and how she’d MET Jesus … and I realised this wouldn’t work.
I figured it would not be alright for me and me whole not religious family, and atheist friends to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life. So I broke up with her. Now I’m back on the dating scene, worrying that I’ll never meet anyone.
I recommend the Halestorm song, “Better Sorry Than Safe” for those who want a good lyrical handling of the subject of a bad relationship that isn’t terrible and moving on.
FWIW, I think that Becky is overthinking this. To me, Dina has made it quite plain that she would not reject a sexual approach, it is just that she doesn’t view it in the same way as Becky does. Unless I’ve been reading this arc wrong, to Dina, it would be something specifically to do with her affection for her girlfriend rather than something that she personally wants on a physical level.
Dina may not specifically feel the desire to have sex with Becky all the time but that doesn’t mean she herself wouldn’t want sex on a physical level. Not having the craving to do it with a specific person doesn’t mean you yourself do not want it at all ever.
She’s also sending Diana extremely contradictory messages (note: I don’t like the term “mixed signals” and think this is better). It seems Becky expected Dina to make a move but now realizes she’s not going to.
On the one hand I think Becky isn’t fully understanding that Dina is clearly not sex repulsed, and that just because Dina doesn’t experience sexual attraction the way Becky does does not mean Dina is any less invested in the relationship.
On the other hand, continuing in the relationship if Becky can’t grasp that isn’t fair to either of them and it should probably end.
…isn’t Dina perfectly willing to have sex with Becky whenever she feels she’s ready? Dina seems like a demisexual while Becky is obviously very horny but…Dina really cares about her.
This is still a good first step. I mean, going to someone who knows more about all this than she does? (Which is, admittedly, a long list of people, but Leslie is who she knows, right?) It’s not a bad thought.
You’re not wrong about needing to talk to her girlfriend, don’t get me wrong, but having some idea what you’re talking about might make that easier and go better.
I’m a bit confused. I thought Becky was the one who was reluctant to go all the way on account of lingering religious reasons. When this volume began Dina was the one jumping her bones.
She is but she is also worried that she is not sexually attractive because she is sexually attracted to Dina always, but Dina only has rare moments of sexual attraction. She still wants to feel like she is attractive and desired even if she isn’t ready to partake in sex.
This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Dina was the one who brought sex to the table in the first place on her birthday. Becky was the one who needed more time
I am making a wild assumption that Becky had made a mental road where they “broke” the rules out of wild passionate abandon sometime in the future. Now she’s realizing that, no, Dina would happily wait until marriage.
Becky is very messed up in her thinking. She seems to think that the ideal state of affairs is for both people to be maximally sexually frustrated, not having sex but being horny.
Even from a Christian perspective this is wrong thinking. For a Christian, if you’re not supposed to be having sex with another person, you’re not supposed to be lusting for them either. “I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”. You are supposed to be fleeing lust, not merely not engaging in sexual acts.
Yes, Becky seems to be missing that the teachings she’s following are meant to eventually result in marriage. Unfortunately, or Fortunately, Beckys life plans are not conducive to marriage now.
Becky is trying to reconcile the healthiest approach to a relationship in terms of fairness, feelings, and reciprocation, with the “healthiest approach” that was drilled into her from birth by a quite restrictive religious order. Given her circumstances, and compared to how messed up young adults can often be, I’d give her a B+ for effort, at least.
Of course that’s still a yikes waiting to happen. Becky can’t keep expecting people to fit her plan for them without getting involved in heavy drama (much like a certain YHWH- what do you mean by “low hanging fruit, such an easy joke, go eat a bug”?)
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OR
you could one day lose all sexual interest, and THEN you’d TOTES be 100% compatible!
…
🤔
Yeah, I gave that a decade and change. Once I was debating killing myself or getting divorced I finally realized it wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave. (there was a lot more wrong than just sexual incompatibility) The joke of course is when thoughts of suicide came up during the reasons for separating, the ex thought I was talking about them, because they had no ability to consider my perspective.
P.S. I know I was an f’ing moron for staying in that as long as I did. It’s ok though, because my next relationship was way more toxic and only lasted two years. Sadly the repercussions from both are now generational and I deal with that every day.
I’m so sorry.
holy crap. glad you got out of that!
Yikes, I can see why they’re an ex. You deserved better.
Cheers all. Didn’t mean to sympathy fish and obviously this is just my version of things. I’m trying to put a cap on that. Just, couldn’t let the idea of denying oneself their nature for their partner slide without speaking up.
Remember people, love isn’t giving yourself up for another[*], it’s you and your partner working to be more and actualizing, and empowering (not enabling).
*Caveat: parents doing extreme things for their kids is not covered by this.
It kind of is, though. A parent sacrificing themself for their kids is incredibly stupid and harmful to the kid (yes, I can imagine a few rare situations in which it is the least stupid and harmful option available to them, but it’s still stupid). A kid loses a LOT when they lose a parent, it can traumatize them for the rest of their lives. It’s much better for a parent to LIVE for their kids.
Agreed. But there’s a lot to go into there beyond dying to save a kids life and it’s not romantic love regardless.
Oy, yeah that sucks and yeah I hear you. I’m way too far in a similar feeling situation and it’s not a great day. Year… Lifetime
Becky: Leslie, I followed your advice and got 20 different girlfriends. One of them is bound to be compatible!
Leslie: Becky, no!
Robin: Becky, yes!
JOE: Becky…why is your harem bigger than MY harem?
Because with all her faults, Becky is still way more polite than Joe.
(Boy eating two skinless hotdog.jpg?)
More like a Bodhisattva holding 20 girlfriends.
AH! That’s why Leslie’s the G.O.A.T.!!! Robin can sniff butts. Leslie’s best mom!
Dina already said she was both willing and looking forward to exploring the sexual side of their relationship.
thiiiisss
True. But Becky is not exactly, how you say, a great listener.
Becky has, on multiple happenings, both been told straight up Dinah wants sex and at least implied she knows Dinah wants sex, so I have no fucking clue what Becky’s hang-up is here. Unless it’s some weird confirmation bias thing where Becky is taking Dinah’s asexuality to mean that she was right and that sex is a sin.
‘I’m willing to have sex’ is different from ‘Bow chicka bow wow Becky you’re so fine looking, let’s skip class and make some clam jam’.
I’m exaggerating obviously, to some extent, Becky wants to feel desired and needed in a sexual context.
Fundamentalism. Whenever she thinks about it, she hears “PREMARITAL HANKY-PANKY!!” in her mind.
Sometimes we seem to forget that Becky and Joyce grew up in the same environment.
Yep, this. Becky doesn’t acknowledge Dina’s willingness to explore sex because in Becky’s mind, that probably doesn’t even count. They can’t have sex until after marriage, so that’s a moot point. This leaves expressions of sexual lust as the sum total of sexuality, and if that’s your only standard for a sexual element in a relationship then yeah, a fully asexual person is just as incompatible with her as Joyce.
She probably also sees sexuality as purely lust and its satiation. I don’t think she can understand someone on the asexual spectrum being willing to have sex. If someone was ace, they’d never have sex, since they wouldn’t have any reason to sin or even bother with marriage to make it not a sin (or less sinful depending on the specifics of her beliefs).
I think this is going to be a huge struggle for her unless she gets a healthier attitude towards sex, attraction, and romance. My fingers are crossed that gender studies or something helps her get there.
Becky wants Dina to want her the way she wants Dina. I like their couple and I’m hoping for them to work things out. Maybe these are hangups Becky will be able to resolve as she learns to understand asexuality better. Or maybe that’s something she needs in her partner, and I feel compelled to say that is a valid way to feel.
I went back and re-read the strips and what Dina appears to be saying is that she’s horny sometimes but not horny other times, and Becky seems to interpret anything less than 24/7 burning sexual frustration as a sign that’s something wrong.
Also, given that Dina and Leslie haven’t ever interacted with each other on-panel, Leslie assuming that anyone who doesn’t constantly want to have sex with Becky is probably asexual is *kind of a leap*.
Well Dina is confirmed grey-ace and Becky is telling Leslie that Dina doesn’t just not want to have sex but seems to have *zero* sexual inclinations (which is wrong, I’ll get to that), and I think the bigger issue is that Becky is telling Leslie her issues in a way that makes it sound much more catastrophic than it actually is. Becky’s conveying the issue as if Dina has zero sexual interest in her, and pointedly *not* saying that it’s Becky herself that’s rejecting sexual intimacy with Dina because of her repressive upbringing.
But yeah the crux of this particular strip is that Becky thinks not being able to invoke in Dina constant horny on main feelings is a personal failing on herself.
I think Becky’s insecurity is less that Dina doesn’t want sex but that she might not feel the same attraction to Becky that Becky does to her, which is the second time this has happened. We’ll see if Becky further elaborates on that. She might feel like she’s not attractive to girls, which is the wrong way to take it, but we can’t control what we think about ourselves.
^this, yeah- Becky is many things but prone to simple, direct problem-solving is not one of them. She might be considering breaking up with Dina because she specifically wants validation from her relationship, or she might just be overreacting- both are possible options
Yeah, I thought from her interactions in the Dumbiverse and Walkyverse that she’s Pansexual
Dina’s canonically gray-ace on the sexuality spectrum, but her Walkyverse/Dumbingverse relationships + her statement in this ‘verse that she is “unconcerned” with gender may indicate that she’s panromantic (not necessarily the same thing as pansexual).
She could still be pan for both in addition to also being gray-ace. I say that because I myself am demisexual/romantic but I also consider myself pansexual/romantic at the same time and both are equally important aspects for me. Because yes my attraction is super rare, but it also is not limited to any one gender. Though I do not have the actual interest in sex that Dina does.
But she’s also said that she’s not attracted to Becky the way Becky is attracted to her. That’s what Becky wants: to be wanted, to be desired. To have that reciprocation. Otherwise she’s always going to feel like it’s something Dina is doing FOR her, which, it kind of would be. Even if Dina is enthusiastic to try, it’s because she just wants to have the experience or because she cares about Becky and wants to share this with her, not because it’s something she desires for her own fulfillment.
I don’t know where people are getting the idea that Dina herself cannot be fulfilled by or desire sex. Though I am not one of them, there are people all across the asexuality spectrum that have sex drives and want sex and don’t just do it for other people. You can not be sexually attracted to any specific person and still desire and enjoy sex.
This was an EXTREMELY Dorothy thing to say, just putting that out there.
No, no, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Dina may be enthusiastic to have sex with Becky, and she may enjoy it very much if they did, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is not attracted to Becky. Becky wants Dina to WANT HER, the way Becky wants Dina. She is not seeking sex with Becky because she looks at Becky and feels an urge and desire to have sex with her. She is WILLING to have sex with Becky for any number of reasons, perhaps even eager, but she is still not ATTRACTED to her. And Becky wants her to be.
Oh, then I’m glad we are in agreement! It just came across to me as if you felt Dina wouldn’t get as much out of it as Becky. And yes there are sex-neutral and sex-repulsed people where this might be true, but it is very commonly assumed that no ace people can be sex positive and genuinely just enjoy it for themselves when that isn’t true.
I think Becky is concerned that when they explore this territory, Dina will be satisfied with way less interaction and leave Becky hanging. It is an option to not at all get into this if it is foreseeable. Dina being curious might not mean she will stay so after the first few tries. Like my husband who was really open to trying opening up our relationship when I suggested, but decided it was not okay for him after a few occasions. And that is a valid outcome of an experiment.
Thank youuuuuu, as someone who is also asexual that doesn’t feel sexual attraction but still likes to have sex, I’m glad this was said. Im hoping this is ISN’T the reason on why they break up, I’m very biased here but Becky seems like she’s way overreacting. Dina in the past has been very clear on how she would like to have sex and is willing to wait for whenever Becky is ready, seems a bit crappy on Becky’s end to not be able to accept this one thing about Dina and is asking other people if they should break up
Wanting your partner to be attracted to you isn’t some small thing. Dina could be totally eager and interested in having sex with Becky but Becky might always end up feeling like something is missing because Dina isn’t looking at her and thinking “Oh wow. Becky you are so beautiful and that shirt you’re wearing makes you look so sexy it makes me want to kiss you and touch you.”
Becky is still very young so she’s still figuring out if “partner feels sexual attraction for me” is something she needs in a relationship.
@Bix902: I would say that she already figured that one out: she needs to be physically desired by her partner.
The part she still has to figure out is, when such desire is lacking, is it a deal breaker for her or is it not if everything else shows that she’s loved and desired, just not physically.
@dralou
Right, but I’m responding to the comment saying Becky is overreacting and being crappy by not accepting this ONE THING about Dina.
Needing to feel desired by your partner isn’t some casual little thing that can be easily brushed aside and it doesn’t make a person crappy if they are plunged into doubt and anxiety if they suddenly find out that their partner (who is still a good person whom they enjoy and care for) does not feel physically attracted to them
@Bix902: I totally agree with you. It’s even more understandable if, to you, being attracted to whoever you want is something you actually had to fight for, after years of hiding it.
Becky?! Overreacting and overthinking?!
I find it weird that Becky is so worried about this when she’s still got her religious beliefs about having sex before marriage or whatever, while Dina doesn’t have those beliefs and is willing to explore the sexual side of their relationship. Unless maybe Becky is reconsidering those beliefs already.
It’s not the sex at this point, it’s the wanting. She wants to be wanted the way she wants Dina. Even if she’s still resisting doing the actual deed.
This isn’t insurmountable. They may well be able to get past it, but it’s not a simple problem.
I think those beliefs are a big part of why she feels this way. If you can’t actually have sex, the next closest thing is at least sharing mutual attraction. That makes the attraction aspect way more important than it might be for someone who has both sex and attraction in their sex lives.
She probably files Dina’s willingness under her “temptation” mental folder rather than as part of her “healthy relationship” folder. Which means it doesn’t just not count, but likely feels like a negative.
The last two times Becky tried to move into sexytimes didn’t go well. She kissed her roommate at Anderson and ended up on the run. She kissed Joyce and realized that long desired accomplishment ended up in a dead end.
If she took a psych class they would teach her about avoidance/approach dilemmas. It’s quite common to want something and fear it too.
Yeah, I feel like this intense level of concern is premature. It’s a good thing to be thinking about, sure, and it’s a good thing to be able to discuss, but right now, it feels like Becky is borrowing trouble. Which makes complete sense as she’s 19 and going through *gestures vaguely at everything* so I’m not complaining. I just don’t share her perspective on the issue, and I hope she gives Dina (and herself!) the chance to work through this before deciding it’s all doomed.
Ohhhhhhhh, Leslie. At least she doesn’t believe in lying to her kid. Listen to the top balloon on panel 4, Becky, it’s helpful.
Grav roulette, whaddaya got?
Ooooh, good choice.
Wait what? Grav roulette??? Let’s get it done.
It’s Dina! Relevant even though she’s not in this strip!
I’m honestly kinda confused. Despite people commenting on sudden changes, Sarah’s been with me for what feels like a long time.
Hmmm…. I wonder if our gravitars get archivally locked to particular comments, or if they shift when new grav’s are added and the algorithm updates.
The grav is based on your email(or account if you have one). Change the email(some people just adjust capitalization) and it gives you a new one at random. And when Willis updates the list, they’re re-randomized again.
And if you’re very lucky, it’s possible for two different randomizations in a row to give you the same grav, thus providing the illusion that it didn’t change for you.
Source: got the same grav thrice in a row at one point while I was doing grav roulette. 😛
Grav roulette?
Sweet!! 😀
Yeah I aware of the address mechanics for grav roulette. (I wrote them up) On top of grav-roulette, people have made comments like their gravatar changed without their choosing, based apparently on DyW adding new Gravs on the backend. (maybe it changes their order in the index or hash table or something). Maybe it’s also from peeps accidentally changing their input email, but I can’t control for that. The discussion around the mechanics for changing gravs is what evolved into the game of grav roulette we all know and love today. But now I want to know MOAR.
The Moar You Know!
______——–=======*
You can’t have had that Sarah for too long, since it’s one of the new season gravatars. There hasn’t been a change in a little while though – I think the last was when he added glasses Joyce right after she first appeared.
People commenting since then are likely infrequent commenters who didn’t notice the change before. Or possibly fooled by posting from a different device with a differently capitalized email.
And yes, past comment gravatars shift, which makes some old conversations incomprehensible.
“And yes, past comment gravatars shift, which makes some old conversations incomprehensible.”
Indeed. Looking at last August I can see the same Sarah-grav. It’s a pitty they don’t get locked in on the posts. I understand why not, but it slso reveals the temporal nature and inherent decay in even electronic media.
If you find one you like you can just save the picture and set it as your default inn your profile.
Hold the phone. Didn’t Becky just get through an arc where Dina had to assure her that Dina wouldn’t rush the sexual side of things if Becky wasn’t comfortable yet? And now Becky’s concerned that Dina won’t want to rush things enough?
Did I miss a strip or something?!
Being down to fuck and being sexually attracted to someone are two different things. Becky is worried about the latter.
That makes a heck of a lot of sense, actually.
As a horny Christian, Becky wants some company in her misery, and that’s one thing Dina can’t give her.
Nope, but let me try to break it down at least how I see it: Becky wants sex, but despite breaking free of the surface aspects of her fundamentalist upbringing and modifying her religious beliefs to accommodate her sexual identity, she never really got over the *culture* of being a fundie.
Becky is horny on main for Dina, but Becky can *never* act on that because premarital sex is a sin. However, Becky still grew up in a culture that told her that her value as a woman, as a human being, was predicated on having a partner and sexing them up to provide babies. To Becky, her ideal state is having a partner who constantly lavishes her with praise for being attractive, but never acting on that until they’re married under the eyes of God.
Becky craves and needs to be perceived as sexually enticing but is terrified of acting on that in a healthy manner, and meanwhile there’s Dina, who lacks the capacity to be as overtly sexually interested in Becky as Becky is into Dina, and this hurts her because in a way, Dina not being expressly, constantly attracted to Becky means that Becky is somehow failing her God-sanctioned role as a wife.
Becky’s a lesbian tradwife. She wants all the same fundie things she was told she needed to have, but she wants them with Dina, but Dina can’t give her that because Dina doesn’t do constant, overt sexual attraction, and she’d say the simple solution is that she and Becky just have sex as long as Becky is comfortable to have it, and Becky, as she is right now, never will be.
I think you’re pretty much right on all counts here.
i was going to right something along those lines, but you did a much better job of it than I could. Thank you.
Is it also possible that (subconsciously) Becky buys into the whole “men are ravenous sexual beasts who can’t control themselves, so as long as the man initiates things, it’s not the girl’s fault if they do sexy things” viewpoint? Which is horrible but means you can do sexy things so long as you make it look kinda rape-y — but Dina is never going to do that, because she’s never going to be so turned on that she “loses all control” (due to Becky’s massive sexiness). So it’s not just that Dina’s not constantly attracted to her that way, it’s that she’s never going to do anything that gives Becky the out she needs to give in to her horniness.
Dina (well, except for her first kissing Becky) is by nature into consent. Becky’s been raised to not consent, or at least seem not to. These are somewhat incompatible kinks. Hopefully, Becky’s is curable.
Basically, they just need to find out about consensual non-consent, and then they’ll be fine.
That may be a first step. “May” here because CNC may or may not be within Dina’s capabilities to perform even if she does occasionally display some Primal tendencies. “First step” here because, even if both are onboard with the idea, CNC, like all such things, really needs them to sit down and have a frank discussion about what they want from the relationship and what they’re willing to do to achieve those desires.
But consensual non-consent doesn’t work for Becky, because she’d have to consent up front. She’d need to plan to have sex, even if it looked like it was just heat of the moment, and that would be a sin.
It could work, but she’d have to clue Dina in that’s what she wants without ever being explicitly clear about it – which is a horrible idea. And yet very much a part of “traditional” teen courting rituals.
Yea I’m also pretty sure thats true.
Becky’s going to have to come to terms with what she wants and not have her partner guess what she wants and force it on her.
I also think I want this but I don’t want to want this is not really the same thing as having this forced on me so long as at the end of the day I can refuse sounds fun.
… Now that you mention it, yes, I can very much see that going on with Becky, too (whether she’s consciously aware of it or not.)
Honestly it reminds me of how Walky and Amber were so ‘oh no we shouldn’t screw around’ and then kept hanging out and thinking about how much they wanted to screw around anyway, and rationalized it with how they were just too horny not to bang without a chaperone. (Or, you know, a romance novel from the 70s-90s or so.)
Yeah, Becky has a LOT to unpack about her sexuality from her upbringing.
Yes, agreed. (I mean, Becky wants a bit more than the total fundie tradwife package, because she also wants to be a scientist, but we’ve seen her imagined future is very much her and Joyce married to other people in an idyllic suburban cul de sac, basically what they were growing up except they’re allowed to have ambitions and Becky’s allowed to be a lesbian.) It’s totally that Becky wants to be just as irresistably sexy to Dina as Dina is to Becky, except they can’t act on it because that would be Sinful, and the fact that Dina clearly wants to have sex with Becky, does feel some sexual attraction to Becky, and has indicated she thinks she’d enjoy sex with Becky regardless of whether she’s currently super turned on just by Becky’s existence (as opposed to, say, actions that would get her more sexually aroused) is immaterial to this anxiety.
It’s totally a fundie hangup. It’s one that I suspect Becky can work through with support and talking things out with her girlfriend like a mature person, but at the same time Leslie is right and just because Dina was Becky’s first girlfriend doesn’t mean they have to be together forever. It doesn’t have to be breakup-worthy, but if it is, that’s how it is. (I do hope it’s not, though, because there’s a lot of depth to plumb in Becky unpacking her upbringing and their stability is comforting when everything else in this strip is in flux. Plus it brings out a lot of Dina being a fully-fleshed out character rather than occasional dinosaur or supernaturally stealthy because she’s quiet jokes.)
If you don’t get married afterwards, it isn’t premarital sex.
Right, it’s extra-marital sex which is on the same page but a different line.
Nope. If neither person is married thereis no marriage for it to be outside.
life hack
Spencer continues to be very smart. A+ analysis, in my humble opinion
For my next analyses: Why Joyce and Joe are absolutely married and why Danny is the most significant bisexual male narrative currently in sequential art.
Excellent
While I don’t agree that Becky needs constant praise for her sexual value to her partner (as a few people have kind of hinted at) you’ve done solid work in compiling a likely explanation for some of Becky’s motivations. I only disagree that Becky needs Dina to be constantly overtly sexually attracted to her. Becky’s been fine with the status quo for months. However she is now aware that she will not likely *ever* be sexually arousing to her partner. At least not at a frequency that would see her own needs fulfilled. It’s not that Becky can never get that with a lesbian partner, she can get married and do the hankies panky, but even if she does marry Dina and the gloves come off, Dina isn’t going to then be all over Becky.
A core tenet of christianity is fullfilment deferred (heaven), so even if you toil in misery for your entire life for the benefit of others, as long as you’ve been good, you’ll get yours in the end. Sanctified marriage is kind of a -mid-point- reward for that, to drive home the point that being a good christian has it’s perks. (we’ll ignore as tangential to this discussion the point that a person can go out and reward themselves with a consenting partner any time they please). So following the Christian rules still, Becky I think was expecting that Dina did want her sexually but was being reserved to be respectful of Becky’s needs. And Becky was ok with that. But now that Becky knows she likely won’t ever be sexually enticing to Dina, that changes the midgame point that Becky thought she was saving herself for.
Well, that could be the case. There’s also just the fact that straight up, it can hurt to find out your partner isn’t sexually attracted to you. And this would be the second time she was massively attracted to a girl who didn’t feel the same way. It’s normal to want to feel wanted by your partner, and i could very easily see becky falling into thinking she’s just not attractive to women which would obviously be harmful
Exactly. I think on some level, she feels like Dina is turning out to just be Joyce all over again. That’s probably especially concerning for her, since that’s still very raw.
She would need to get to a healthier view of sexuality so she can “count” willingness and interest in having sex as part of a sexual relationship (not to mention actually doing the deed), instead of seeing attraction as the only meaningful component.
I think that arc was Becky feeling guilt over not wanting/being able to provide Dina with sex, which Dina had expressed interest in pre-timeskip. But Becky hadn’t realized Dina was asexual then, and misinterpreted Dina’s request as rampant horniness she could not satisfy, whereas Dina has clarified that what she really wanted was for Becky to feel comfortable.
So Becky wasn’t afraid of Dina rushing sex; rather, she was afraid of HERSELF rushing sex to please Dina. Now she’s concerned that if/when she and Dina have sex, it won’t be the same to both of them, as Dina would draw more pleasure from Becky’s gratification than the actual experience.
(If other people interpreted it differently, feel free to chime in)
oh good grief
OH MY ICON. GOOD GRIEF
I found Charlie Brown’s account!
C’mon Jess, kick the ball. I promise I won’t snatch it away this time.
Jess:… Ok. /runs to kick/
I steal the football!
Becky you might be overreacting a smidge.
College kids? Overreacting about sex?
Becky is researching an aspect of her relationship that she expects to see fulfilled. People should not be demeaned for expressing an interest in something that their corporeal form is *screaming* at them to pursue. She should totes be dialoguing with Dina about this, but it’s not an over-reaction for her to go and consult an available *subject matter expert* on the topic. (Leslie’s inability to apply her knowledge to her own life not-withstanding)
For people with a sufficiently high sex drive, your implication of Becky over reacting sounds the same as demeaning someone for wanting to know they can have some water when they get thirsty. (to slip in a pop-culture meme as a reference.)
No, I agree with Thag on this. Dina has indicated, for the first time ever, that while she is not classically attracted to anybody, she is interested in Becky in a sexual way. Becky has a storied history in their relationship of trying to find problems and ways the relationship with Dina is just too good to be true or doomed to fail.
At this point, it’s Dina who has repeatedly, gently indicated her sexual availability to Becky, and interest in Becky on that level. It’s certainly true that Dina being asexual may not be constantly motivated by hormones the way Becky is, but Becky has /also/ refused or avoided the advances Dina has laid out.
What’s invalidating Dina’s identity is making a blanket assumption about her interest in Becky, because she doesn’t have the same hormonal drive as others, and ignore the elements that -do- entice her and clear signals she’s giving, and in particular for Becky, to try to make decisions about what Dina must want based on conversations with /people who are not Dina/.
So far in practical reality maybe Becky is constantly scared of her own sex drive and fighting with it so it’s more present on her mind, but it isn’t explicitly down to having a high sex drive as much as it is battling her fundie upbringing and everything that entails for her as a gay, sexual woman. In practical reality, she has no need to worry about not being found desirable by Dina because Dina is the one clearly indicating that she desires her, every time the subject comes up.
And the reason I take exception to this is because I am grey-ace and while not explicitly attracted physically to my partner with a high sex drive, I do desire sex with him and my interest in him is largely due to how much I love him and admire him as a person. It is in neither of our interests for people to be making assumptions about our compatibility because we don’t have exactly the same concepts of what constitues desire.
Yep, this. There’s way too much of Becky’s angst here being from her upbringing causing shame around sexuality (both in general and hers specifically,) giving her no real way to learn How Sex Drives And Desire Work beyond her own specific experience. I wouldn’t be shocked if this was the first time she heard about asexuality, ever. We can’t draw any conclusions about longterm viability of the relationship off this, or if there genuinely is a libido mismatch, without Becky and Dina talking about this. Sexual attraction is not the end-all, be-all of romantic attraction or sexual desire. Dina wants to have sex with Becky for DINA’S sake.
Now, is Becky allowed to consider ‘wanting her girlfriend to experience longterm sexual attraction towards her’ a necessary thing? Sure. Becky’s allowed to consider only dating girls whose first name contains two vowels a necessary thing. It’d be unfortunate, and honestly kind of shitty if you ask me, but you can break up for literally any reason whatsoever including ones that are actively shitty and prejudiced (in which case, hey! Your partner no longer has to deal with your prejudices.) But this doesn’t even have to require COMPROMISE so much as Becky learning that everyone experiences sexual attraction and desire differently. I think she can. But first she has to stop letting her anxiety take the wheel. (Admittedly, easier said than done.)
Completely unrelated but I drew some Sexy Robins
https://imgur.com/a/QgoXQbK (NSFW)
Y’know, if you’re into that sorta thing.
Thank you for this, I 100% approve.
I’m glad. Everything I do is for the approval of strangers. That’s not sarcasm. That’s legit why I do what I do.
Nice. I especially like the first one.
For sure. Still having a semblance of clothing is SO much hotter than completely nude, in my expert opinion.
Oh my
Don’t show Becky. She has enough problems.
It’s Robin, Clif. Becky’s gonna have to learn that she’s sexy as fuck one of these days, Regardless of how scantily clad, or not clad she may be.
There’s all kinds of worms in this can when you apply a matriarchal analysis of the role Robin and Leslie play in Becky’s life.
Oh, nice! Thanks, Yotomoe!
Can’t say I never did anything for the fans 😛
This is premium Robin content, excellent work!
Turns out I’m into that sorta thing.
Wow! Nice work, yotomoe!
You have a patreon or ko-fi so that I can show some proper compensation for your great service?
Sure!
https://ko-fi.com/yotomoe
Nice artwork! I don’t know why, but it bothers me that she lost the tie when the jacket came off. Also, I was expecting Dick Grayson for some reason and /still clicked/.
HOT AF
Becky, just because your gf has a lower sexual drive does not mean that you are incompatible. Even if Dina is confirmed to be asexual, she still wants to and is willing to have sex with you, when you are comfortable with it. She won’t push you to do it and she is also willing to wait, try not to overthink things.
Also I fully realize the futility of telling someone like Becky to not overthink things. But I can try, right?
I really don’t think it’s about the sex drive. I think it’s about the fact that, even if they have sex as many times a day as Becky wants, it will never be because Dina looked at Becky, and felt super horny about how attractive and sexy she finds her. Dina does not, and may never, desire Becky in the exact same way that Becky desires Dina. At most, we’ve now seen Dina be sexually aroused by the idea of doing science stuff with Becky, but that’s really not the same thing as “I crave your sexy body, you attractive person, you”.
After her first love (Joyce) ALSO turned out to be fundamentally incapable of returning Becky’s physical attraction (due to being straight), this appears to be a specifically sore point for her.
To be fair, Dina was also very into Becky dressing up as a dinosaur.
Yes, but it appears now that it wasn’t sexually arousing to Dina as it was logically arousing. Dina gets intellectually aroused by many things, but now that we’ve seen how big a deal she made about her sexual arousal, it recasts a lot of what we *thought* was sexual arousal in a very different light.
Yeah. I mean, we know Dina is romantically attracted to Becky, and I think we have seen at least one other moment that was rare but existent sexual attraction. (I’m willing to say the dinosaur onesie was potentially a turnon, but in a stage of their relationship she wasn’t ready to act on and rare enough she didn’t necessarily recognize ‘oh, yeah, that’s what it is,’ so she didn’t think on it as hard as the science. Since it wasn’t immediate recognition there either, could go one of several ways.) I wouldn’t be shocked if in a Slipshine she found that she liked having sex with Becky and got physically aroused having sex, but the actions are what turn her on rather than Becky’s existence. But Becky specifically wants it to be Becky’s existence. Could be a long discussion of this (and the things about Becky specifically Dina is attracted to romantically, even if they aren’t always sexually) helps, since part of this seems to be hangups from her upbringing. She’s only slightly more willing to consider she has Sexual Urges than Joyce, and in no small part because it’s harder to avoid that fact when she’s in a relationship. It’s probably not healthy longterm that her conception of sexual attraction, at least for her personally, is ‘constant, barely contained desire that would be horribly sinful to ever act on so we must maintain perfect self control (until the church has sanctified our union and then we have sex nonstop because it’s okay now)’. Could be that, yeah, this is ultimately something Becky would need to find a relationship fulfilling, even setting aside other aspects and understanding that Dina experiencing attraction differently doesn’t mean she’s unattracted to Becky. (Which, again, seems to be part of the issue in Becky’s mind – it’s not entirely clear how much she recognizes this is ‘you’re not doing anything wrong, I just experience attraction differently in general’ versus I Have Failed For My Girlfriend Doesn’t Find Me Sexy, because she went right to repression and freak out mode.)
*points up, touches nose* This.
I love Robin’s hand on Leslie’s shoulder, just laying there to remind us that in one strip time, Becky will be getting the worst possible advice from a certain former congresswoman.
Oh crap I didn’t see her there Robin if you screw this up I SWEAR TO
GODCHEESEOh my god I didn’t even notice that, that’s hilarious!
But having 5 (FIVE) strips with Robin not talking is putting too much strain on suspension of disbelief.
*5 panels
Which agreed is already straining credibility. DyW!
Thanks, that’s what I meant. In 5 strips Robin would have filibustered Congress to allow her to stay and send Jake Manley in a diplomatic mission to Antarctica.
Well now I’m both scared and excited to see Robin’s advice.
Robin, get your hand off of your inappropriate crush who has already firmly rejected you’s shoulder.
At least Leslie is being honest
At least Leslie is being honest, lol
Another earthquake detected!
This time with mild traces of N .O. present?!?
Could this perhaps be a sign of imminent OVERFLOW?
B e c k y
Please include the last final important crumb of context maybe
Like, that Dina recently *did* have a moment of sexual attraction, to you, and that she has been open about wanting to explore “touching many places”, like, these are important and without this context Leslie can only dispense advice that is well-intentioned but bad
Here’s hoping she does, though who knows
Your gravatar is incredibly appropriate.
Yes! Mention doing science stuff with her again.
The problem isn’t that Dina is willing to have sex.
It’s that Dina doesn’t instinctively finding Becky sexy.
I know! I know this! I know that the important thing here is that Becky needs to feel desired and desirable!
BUT, and this is the POINT, Leslie is talking very broadly about asexuality because she does not have the context that Becky has been given, but due to having a Stupid College Teen Brain and being From Circumstances, is not able to interpret correctly.
Leslie’s broad advice is well-intended, but without the context of “Dina has expressed sexual desire for me, just not as often as I do for her” is likely to become part of a misinterpretation snowball.
IF Leslie were to be offered the important context, she might* be able to express to Becky that in her own way, as much as she is physically able, Dina *does* find Becky desirable! Possibly to the same degree Becky finds her, just in different circumstances!
*: I do not think Leslie is capable of actually explaining this 100% successfully. She is Leslie and also only humans. But she could try, and it might be enough, and it might not be the downward spiral of misunderstandings we can see beginning in this strip.
Eh, most advice most of the time is basically like tossing a coin. Be it because you find yourself agreeing, or disagreeing, it will reveal to you what you knew you were gonna do all along, not actually inspire new thoughts.
At least that’s the way it is for me, and for everyone who’s solicited my advice ever, apparently *shrug*
Considering her background, would Becky be feeling that they should be doing that ghastly cliche where one of them has to take a male role and the other a female role? One of them has to be horny and aggressive and the other has to shy and reluctant?
I think it’s more that she can’t bring herself to make the first move for fear of sin, and wants her partner to push her harder so she can justify it or displace some of the “blame”.
Her misunderstanding gray-asexuality isn’t helping either, but that tracks with her not empathising with experiences different from her own.
Feels more like the contrary: Becky thinking that Dina’s sexual drive not being on par with hers is the obstacle
Unless we’re talking about Becky thinking that she should be submissive, which I wouldn’t bet on it
I absolutely would.
Becky is a bottom.
“I love you, becky. and it has never been about your shape. and i am excited to share my body with you if or when you’re ready”
that doesnt sound like asexuality ((and i would know)) but it’s dina being respectful of beckys boundaries
Even if she doesn’t quite feel such attraction, evidence suggests she’d be interested in intimacy out of shear scientific curiosity.
Or they could be getting one of those romantic comedy misunderstanding loops where they are each so concerned with catering to what the other person wants or doesn’t want that they ignore what they want or don’t want.
As an asexual who has a libido but has never really experienced sexual attraction to any specific person, I can see Dina fitting in in the gray ace side of the spectrum (where we have reason to believe she defines herself.) Not to say not wanting sex at all is in some way less legitimate a form of asexuality, but there’s definitely a lot of varieties of us out there in how we relate to sex as a concept separate from sexual attraction. (And then there’s romance, which is its own different kettle of fish…) Dina being open or interested in sex doesn’t mean she isn’t in some way on the asexuality spectrum.
Speaking of which, I don’t think we’ve ever seen Dina and Carla (who is definitely a sex-repulsed asexual) interact. That’d be an interesting conversation, now I want to see it.
Is Carla sex-repulsed, in this continuity? I know she famously was in the Walkyverse, but some of that came with the whole android deal, and Carla in Dumbiverse seemed like she made a lot of commentary re: having a thing for watching girls dom other girls in what seemed like a sexually explicit way?
Not that this makes her any less ace-spectrum, just if Willis confirmed she’s sex-repulsed I missed it.
Willis has said Carla will never be in the slipshine content because, in character, she’d never be into it. Seems like she’s still sex repulsed to me.
Oh, okay, I missed this! Yep, still some flavor of sex-repulsed.
There’s also a quote from her that I recall, to the effect of “People blow, but I’d definitely fuck this moment,” among others.
Carla is aware that sexual contact with mere flesh, which is mortal and weak, is beneath her, a creature of divinity; her carnal desires are reserved for powers and principalities.
She’s homoromantic-asexual, but she did at one point express eagerness in getting stepped on by Malaya, and then asked to be bullied by them.
Nonsexual kink does still exist, and I definitely suspect Carla’d be interested on that front.
I’ll admit that did confuse me, like I figured kinks were inherently a sexual reaction, but some googling has told me otherwise.
Yup, that’s a common misconception about kink. 🙂 While there are many of us kinksters who love to mix our sex with kink, it is entirely possible for people to enjoy the psychological or physiological sensations of kink without having to bring sex into it. I did make the acquaintance once of an ace submissive who was very much into bondage (especially suspension bondage), but who had no desire to bring sex into it. She attended quite a few bondage workshops as a rope bunny to demonstrate various ties and such, and one thing I particularly liked about her instruction sessions was that she would sometimes go “Now, if you want to be able to engage in sex using this tie, you need to modify it like this…” It wasn’t something she did herself, but she was considerate enough to know many of us did and expanded her teachings accordingly. 🙂
Leslie in the last panel sounds like foreboding for Daisy if she dates Ruth.
Leslie reveals why she’s still with Anna?
Not yet. Not even confirmed she’s with Anna, just with someone.
As far as I can tell Becky is perfectly aware that Dina is interested in sex sometimes, the problem is that she’s worried about libido mismatch. Or to put it another way, if Becky wants to bang twice a day and Dina wants to bang twice a week or even twice a month, that’s likely to be a source of friction and frustration no matter how you slice it. Either Becky ends up constantly horny and unsatisfied, or Dina feels pressured to perform more often than she’s comfortable with (or at least, Becky is worried that she’s pressuring her that way.)
It might be something they can work out, it might not, but it feels like a perfectly valid concern to me. Becky is kind of a boiling volcano of repressed lust, and that doesn’t necessarily pair well with “sure, sex eventually, sometimes.”
I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they should break up immediately but it’s something worth talking through with both other people for some perspective and each other as well. She’s confused and uncertain about how any of this works, why not bring up her anxieties with an older authority figure she trusts?
I do hope she doesn’t decide to do anything suddenly and unilaterally, though.
I manged to comment on the shirts thread instead of here:
Dina has EXPLICITLY SAID she is DFT. Asexual people can have a variety of libidos and sex favourabilities. the Ace part just means their attraction has a small-negligible sexual component. Doesn’t mean they don’t want or enjoy sex, and Dina, at least, wants to find out more about it, even if she’s not fetishising Becky’s scalp.
Maybe it’ll turn out that Dina is not really dtf after the initial fact-finding missions. And if sexual gratification is high on Becky’s list of needs, then yeah, they’re not so compatible, at least with monogamous parameters. but lets not jump the gun. (especially, it kinda seems like someone sexually into Becky would be salve on a few mental scars)
Crazy suggestion, I know, but… Talk to Dina?
Don’t be silly! Talk? In a relationship?
Becky is what happens when someone is raised by a church and romcoms (that the church finds acceptable).
As an ace, the level of horniness Becky describes sounds honestly debilitating. People deal with all that???
Willis did you program the icons so that Blowjob Cat came up at the worst possible times or is this just plain old irony
I mean, it’s usually worse when you’re, you know, a teenager, and your hormones are super wacky while your priorities and sense of scale are still developing. Plus Becky’s not actually, you know, satisfying her sexual urges, which means that instead of just moving on with the rest of her day, she’s being consumed with sex thoughts that never get resolved. Like, if you’re hungry, but then you eat a sandwich, you aren’t gonna be thinking about food again for a while- but if you’re hungry, and you never get to eat, of course it’s gonna become a very big concern for you.
But like, yeah, I don’t think most people are debilitatingly horny most of the time. Maybe occasionally, especially if we’re not having sex that is to our satisfaction (in quantity or quality). But assuming you’ve got that worked out, it’s really nowhere near as big a deal as the comic makes it sound. But the comic wouldn’t have an interesting conflict here, if Becky were just like “oh, yeah, I guess it would be nice to have sex with Dina, hopefully we can do that at a rate that makes us both happy in the future”.
This is not the answer I would have given when I was a teenager myself, of course. When I was around Becky’s age, I would have said “yes, oh god, I’m dying, life is unending suffering, please someone send help and/or dick ASAP”. But I would have definitely been exaggerating things a bit. I did still do homework and stuff.
I *really* want a sandwich now.
Yeah, food cravings are often my go-to as an analogy. Admittedly it can only go so far and ‘I will make you mashed potatoes for drugs’ doesn’t quite fly, but it works on most aspects.
I assumed people just dealt with it in ways they could deal with autonomously? Becky is probably hornier than average allosexual (or at least, verbally hornier), but she definitely isn’t unrealistic, esp. for someone for whom having sex at all only became possible like 2-3 months back
On occasion, yes. And it can definitely cause tension and serious issues when [redacted]. As a lesbian hornball I do not recommend.
Well that’s what fapping is for if you don’t have a sexual partner. Becky’s main problem is that she has no way to release that tension in a healthy way so it builds up.
I feel incredibly called out by Leslie’s last comment there.
Honest self-awareness, thy name is ‘Leslie’.
I interesting made a gray ace male and heterosexual female romance as the basis for one of my books (PSYCHO KILLERS IN LOVE — it’s about people who hunt 80s slashers). What’s interesting is it got some bad reviews from readers who wanted the relationship to “fix” the ace protagonist and were disappointed he was happy with the relationship as is. It also got a surprising amount of support from ace readers who said I managed to get it right. So I’m glad of that.
Manage expectations in your relationships and what each partner wants/needs.
One of the things I really dislike about fandom in general is the assumption that any deep, intimate relationship must include/progress to sex. Platonic friendship between people of incompatible (or compatible!) orientations, even at the “trust you with my life” level, isn’t good enough – they have to be doin’ it.
(I suspect a lot of this is because the secondary or even primary goal is getting the author and/or readers off – what they really want is porn with their favorite characters and/or actors, and maybe a plot and some good story/emotional beats to go along with.)
Becky, darling. Talk to Roz, buy yourself a sex toy of your choice and have a long honest talk with Dina and figure out what both of you want and a compromise. She is good at that.
Well, at least Leslie is being clear and honest about her own problems: “Actually I’m such an emotional mess that I doubt that I’d be able to handle this in a healthy way if it was actually happening to me!”
Remaining in a relationship out of abject fear of never having another, nope I haven’t had that since about 7 hours ago.
OK and this is calling way back, but if Becky wants to turn Dina on she should wear something easily removed and say “Dina! Prepare to take copious notes!”
Or she should wear a dinosaur costume.
Leslie in the last panel definitely sounds like me in my first relationship. Should’ve ended that one way earlier than it actually ended.
Thanks for being honest here, Leslie.
Frankly, I’m confused by Becky’s wants here. She has a girlfriend willing to wait for her despite the fact she doesn’t share Becky’s religious beliefs. Presumably, she’s not planning on violating said beliefs. So what is she hoping to gain by moving to someone who is likely going to be upset at Becky abstaining unless they do share said values?
Becky thought that Dina was ok with going slow AND was just as physically attracted to Becky as Becky is to Dina. But now she understand that, while Dina is eager to explore the sexual side of their relationship, it’s not because she’s physically attracted to Becky which seems to be something that Becky desperately wants.
There’s a difference between “willing to wait” and “not wanting to do it at all.”
Like if someone was looking for a drinkiing buddy who agreed with them that you shouldn’t drink before five o’clock, I would be perfect … right up to five o’clock, and then they’d realise their mistake.
Quick clarification, because I’ve been nitpicking my own metaphor: If this person decided they were fine with having a “drinking buddy” who was sticking with Coke Zero, then cool, I’d be happy to hang out with them. But I’d totally understand if they weren’t.
Remnants of her fundie upbringing are a dam holding back an ocean of horniness that she’s struggling to break down.
It seems like she wants her partner to push her, not simply put the option on the table. Maybe in her mind that would let her displace some of the “sinful blame”?
My assumption is that she is thinking long term.
Yes, it works out for Becky NOW to have a girlfriend who isn’t eager for sex. But what happens years down the road (if they should happen to get married). Will Becky be in a relationship where she is eager (and able) for sex, but Dina isn’t.
As an ace queer guy i’m torn between wanting this to work out for them, wanting it NOT to work out for them due to being sick of always seeing these situations work out in media (on the few, very rare occasions that they are even represented) as if they always work out IRL, which, frankly they rarely do, and wanting it to work out again because seeing it not work will just be super depressing for me, even if accurate.
Though i think the fact Fina seems to be demi/grey rather than completely sex adverse might be the key to the solution here.
If it makes you feel better the media likes to pin happy endings onto lots of situations which would not work out in real life not just romantic relationships.
Have you seen Bojack Horseman? Its sort of depressing but it has an ace man go through multiple relationships which don’t work.
I have indeed, but Todd almost never faces asexuality issues from within, the only challenges he really faces are either his own misconceptions of what asexuality is supposed to be, or they work out fine and without issue.
The only times he actually faces any sort of external challenge in that regard is either when having to pretend to be sexual in front of his gfs extremely sexual family – which, i wouldnt exactly use as an actual example of asexual hardships, and his incompatibility with Emily – who hes not even interested in pursuing romantically, and who immediately accepts him. The only issues stemming from that is that he feels bad that he cant satisfy her, which is a ery legitinate ace issue, but mostly motivated by himself, rather than facing any externsl hardships due to being ace.
Plus, he’s todd, everything always works out for him. He gets a gf in the end thats totally chill with that.
Dina is canonically grey-ace, yeah. She’s expressed small scale sexual attraction for Becky, just not the constant verbal stream Becky wants.
Meanwhile, at a different table across the room, Vivian turns her headphones up even louder and hunches closer to her laptop screen. “Don’t get involved in the plot. Don’t get involved in the plot. Don’t get involved in the plot.“, she mentally repeats to herself.
I recently upgraded to headphones with noise cancellation. They are excellent.
Try good sound isolating earbuds underneath industrial hearing protection earmuffs. Game-changer.
Seems that Becky has already taken her decision. Leslie is more on the Bojack Horseman “Nobody completes anybody. That’s not a real thing. If you’re lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, sink your nails in and don’t let go, no matter what” side. I can’t wait to see Robin absolutely unrequited advice.
I think Leslie’s more “This is what I’d do, and I’m totally not saying it’s what you should do, because I’m a mess.”
And this is totally consistent with Leslie. I’m not certain, but I think she has at one point said those exact words, even.
Sounds fair.
Ah. The fear of never meeting anyone else vs a relationship that’s not working. I ran into that last year. Met a sweet girl, we had many things in common, I was considering introducing her to my friends and family … and then it turned out she was really INTENSLY deeply religious. I hadn’t even considered that, most WLW I’ve met have never been much into religion. So we sat there on a date, and she explained earnestly how we humans were cast out of Eden for disobeying, and how she’d MET Jesus … and I realised this wouldn’t work.
I figured it would not be alright for me and me whole not religious family, and atheist friends to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life. So I broke up with her. Now I’m back on the dating scene, worrying that I’ll never meet anyone.
But I think that was the right choice.
I’d guess you probably made the right choice, too.
I recommend the Halestorm song, “Better Sorry Than Safe” for those who want a good lyrical handling of the subject of a bad relationship that isn’t terrible and moving on.
Also, Lzzy Hale is awesome.
Oh hey, I just noticed the little Icon of Joyce in my browser now has glasses too.
Neat.
FWIW, I think that Becky is overthinking this. To me, Dina has made it quite plain that she would not reject a sexual approach, it is just that she doesn’t view it in the same way as Becky does. Unless I’ve been reading this arc wrong, to Dina, it would be something specifically to do with her affection for her girlfriend rather than something that she personally wants on a physical level.
Dina may not specifically feel the desire to have sex with Becky all the time but that doesn’t mean she herself wouldn’t want sex on a physical level. Not having the craving to do it with a specific person doesn’t mean you yourself do not want it at all ever.
That’s the problem. Becky wants her to want it on a physical level.
Specifically, Becky wants to be wanted. Which isn’t an uncommon desire.
She’s also sending Diana extremely contradictory messages (note: I don’t like the term “mixed signals” and think this is better). It seems Becky expected Dina to make a move but now realizes she’s not going to.
Haha, Robin is still attached to Leslie’s shoulders. Tighter than a falcon”s talons.
On the one hand I think Becky isn’t fully understanding that Dina is clearly not sex repulsed, and that just because Dina doesn’t experience sexual attraction the way Becky does does not mean Dina is any less invested in the relationship.
On the other hand, continuing in the relationship if Becky can’t grasp that isn’t fair to either of them and it should probably end.
…isn’t Dina perfectly willing to have sex with Becky whenever she feels she’s ready? Dina seems like a demisexual while Becky is obviously very horny but…Dina really cares about her.
Talk to your girlfriend now; panic later.
There was a lot wrong with my one relationship (rooted in neither of us knowing I was ace), but at least we didn’t hesitate to communicate about it.
This is still a good first step. I mean, going to someone who knows more about all this than she does? (Which is, admittedly, a long list of people, but Leslie is who she knows, right?) It’s not a bad thought.
You’re not wrong about needing to talk to her girlfriend, don’t get me wrong, but having some idea what you’re talking about might make that easier and go better.
I’m a bit confused. I thought Becky was the one who was reluctant to go all the way on account of lingering religious reasons. When this volume began Dina was the one jumping her bones.
She is but she is also worried that she is not sexually attractive because she is sexually attracted to Dina always, but Dina only has rare moments of sexual attraction. She still wants to feel like she is attractive and desired even if she isn’t ready to partake in sex.
the loud wacky show she puts on for the world is hiding lots of issues.
Becky is horny, but reluctant.
Dina isn’t very horny, but quite willing.
Leslie, will you never learn to filter what you say in front of Robin?
This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Dina was the one who brought sex to the table in the first place on her birthday. Becky was the one who needed more time
I am making a wild assumption that Becky had made a mental road where they “broke” the rules out of wild passionate abandon sometime in the future. Now she’s realizing that, no, Dina would happily wait until marriage.
Becky is very messed up in her thinking. She seems to think that the ideal state of affairs is for both people to be maximally sexually frustrated, not having sex but being horny.
Even from a Christian perspective this is wrong thinking. For a Christian, if you’re not supposed to be having sex with another person, you’re not supposed to be lusting for them either. “I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”. You are supposed to be fleeing lust, not merely not engaging in sexual acts.
Yes, Becky seems to be missing that the teachings she’s following are meant to eventually result in marriage. Unfortunately, or Fortunately, Beckys life plans are not conducive to marriage now.
Neither are Dinas.
Becky is trying to reconcile the healthiest approach to a relationship in terms of fairness, feelings, and reciprocation, with the “healthiest approach” that was drilled into her from birth by a quite restrictive religious order. Given her circumstances, and compared to how messed up young adults can often be, I’d give her a B+ for effort, at least.
Of course that’s still a yikes waiting to happen. Becky can’t keep expecting people to fit her plan for them without getting involved in heavy drama (much like a certain YHWH- what do you mean by “low hanging fruit, such an easy joke, go eat a bug”?)
I can’t wait til Robin chimes in and is hopefully dismantled by both of them.