With additional recipes for slippery spam porpoise, big ‘ol balogna pony, spicey beef splattering ram, and, for the vegens out there, turgid tofu truncheon.
SillyGoose: Boobs. It’s pretty blatant. “Thou art a mighty tree, thy breasts like melons. And I thought, I shall climb this tree and grasp its melons” (paraphrasing from memory because I’m lazy).
Nah, red solar radiation-infused lube. Quells Clark’s super-powers just long enough for lovin’, with no lethality or weird side-effects like making Supes become a yeti or something. (Red Kryptonite was the strangest Kryptonite.)
According to several versions of the superman canon, Supes’s invulnerability actually extends out slightly PAST his skin and can actually infuse objects he is in contact with for a certain amount of time, temporarily making them also invulnerable. This is the in-universe explanation for why his clothes aren’t constantly getting burned or blasted off, or for when a writer wants to have Superman do something like shield someone with his cape: the cape has been touching Superman long enough that the cape temporarily also has superpowers.
So basically, a regular condom would work.
Also, someone in close contact with supes for a while would also probably gain his super resilience for a bit, so if he goes slow and there’s lots of cuddling (which is probably a given, Clark seems like a cuddler) then there’s no problem.
… Yes I have thought too damn much about weird superhero physics as applied to intimacy.
Actually, Martha wove the cape out of the unraveled thread from the Kryptonian blanket Superman was wrapped in as a baby, thereby accounting for the cape’s special abilities. At least according to an issue I read in my youth.
Geez, not more “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” crap. Given that Supes is a fictional character he can simply written as being safe for humans to have sex with.
There’s a school of thought which claims that the British accent of today is an affectation acquired over the years as the Engish unconsciously cultivated a manner of speaking that sounded more ‘posh’. On the other hand, Americans, isolated as we were from the ‘mother tongue’, never made that change with the end result that today’s American accent is actually truer to the British accent of Shakespeare’s day rather than what most people think of as the ‘classic’ British manner of speaking.
This schol of thought is at best, a heavy exaggeration (when it’s not used explicitly as a means of increasing tourism to the Appalachians). Realistically, some areas are closer to 18th century British pronunciation, bu language and acccents are constantly changing and evolving
This school of thought also makes the assumption that linguistic drift only happened on one side of the ocean, which is highly unlikely. American regional accents have more likely changed and grown in their own ways since the 17th century – just not in the exact same ways that British regional accents have changed and grown.
The basic concept seems sound, though obviously blurred by the fact that there are multiple accents in both countries. The main theory is that the British started dropping their Rs at least in the main urban dialects, while most US dialects kept them.
Okay, she does appear to be aware that it’s about dudes doing it but that metaphor . . . does not work tbh. It’s a fairly accurate take on some of the fanfic I’ve come across, but. Wait, is that supposed to imply Bruce is circumcised?
Given that he’s an American there’s a good chance he is, especially the further back you go in his existence. Circumcision rates have been dropping in the US, but are still quite high compared to much of the world.
I was actually going to post that it’s not really an accurate take of the slash I’ve read. It reads very…dude-ly to me. The stuff I’ve read is mostly written by women, who are (at least IME) a lot less likely to use food metaphors for body parts.
alternatives:
Dumbing of Age Book 9: Porn Has Pictures! Gross Images! This is Words!
Dumbing of Age Book 9: Bruce Unzipped, Unfurling His Massive Sirloin
Dumbing of Age Book 9: Clark Knew in His Heart of Hearts That By Night’s End, This Cut of Meat Would Be Well Done
Dumbing of Age Book 9: LITERATURE! (in fancy font)
Do you think Joyce knows the more common slang terms for penis?
I ask because, while she did know “cock,” my friend didn’t learn the word “dick” until freshman year of college, and she wasn’t even religious and/or homeschooled.
DICK: “fellow, lad, man,” 1550s, rhyming nickname for Rick, short for Richard, one of the commonest English names, it has long been a synonym for “fellow,” and so most of the slang senses are probably very old, but naturally hard to find in the surviving records. The meaning “penis” is attested from 1891 in British army slang.
Huh. But “dick” is also slang for “detective.” I remember (after I learned that “dick” could be an insult comparing a person to genitalia) reading the phrase “the dick and his friends” in a Hardy Boys book, which I knew was supposed to be wholesome children’s literature.
But that pales in comparison to the statement that young Jill “made love to everyone” in a castle full of giants, in The Sliver Chair by C.S. Lewis (first paragraph of chapter 9 if you don’t believe me). Apparently the phrase was completely innocent of sexual connotation as recently as 1953.
Dick was around when I was a teen. Peter was a little archaic. Johnson was also used, but I don’t think it’s stuck around. In old collections of dirty jokes, I see the word Tallywacker.
Nice! Most creative writing profs I’ve heard of don’t consider anything ‘genre’ (or ‘lowbrow’) to be real literature and therefore not appropriate to creative writing.
Woohoo loopholes! And thus Joyce, as Ruth predicted, pratfalls into her first orgasm, and emerges from her newfound smutty fanfic stash several days later.
So Amber was concerned about Joyce being in the room, but not Dina, even though she was in the room all along? I guess Amber has accepted that Dina will know all her secrets and there’s no point in hiding
They easily have the best roommate relationship in the comic. Dina knew about AG all along but didn’t say anything, and protects Amber with her gatekeeping. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a deep conversation about this
And thankfully on top of that they are both very respectful of others. Sierra’s chill, but not “smoke weed in the dorm” chill. Dorothy’s high strung, but she’s never anything less than friendly to Sierra.
For some reason my math teachers didn’t like me reading in their classes, no matter which kind of literature it was. Amusingly enough, neither did my literature teachers, since they expected me to do all of my reading outside of the classroom.
I usually got away with it by dint of my school being the local sinkhole for trouble students. As a well-behaved kid, as long as I’d already done the work, I could do what I liked, because the teachers had their hands full. And I chose to read the library’s entire fantasy section.
I made my best friend by the fact we both got out library books as well as our pencil cases and schedules on the first day of English class.
So many teachers I had hated me doing work in class that was meant as “homework”, even if I’d finished the in-class work.
Then there was the recurring substitute teacher who insisted on telling his extremely boring life story to every class no matter the subject matter, and wouldn’t let us do the in-class work our regular teachers had left behind. :V
I’ve been there too, Joyce. I even justified literotica by reading sex scenes in books that weren’t literotica explicitly. They would just have one or two sex scenes that I’d read…more often then the rest of the book
There were some things I justified by being like, “Well, they’re both/all girls, and I’m a girl, and of course I’m straight, so OBVIOUSLY it’s not sexual.”
this reminds me of times I’ve picked up an older library book and had the book fall open to a spot where the spine’s been cracked from frequent readings, always at The Raunchy Bit
See, and that just doesn’t happen with e-books. XD This is why physical copies are superior.
Hey, did you know that the pages with the full-page illustration of the Devil in The Devil’s Bible are actually noticeably darker than the rest? The legend is that that’s because of some supernatural effect; testing has shown, however, that it’s sun damage (the vellum calf skin literally becoming slightly tanned) from the book being opened, for centuries, at that illustration more than the others.
I sometimes do the random sex test on the bodice rippers my wife reads. Randomly pick a page, see if it has a sex scene. repeat 10 times. The sex scenes percentage is usually about 70%.
Yep. Forever is about a 17 year old girl and her boyfriend finding the right time to bang and then afterwards realizing that even if you think it does at the time, it doesnt mean the relationship is meant to last and that’s not a bad thing.
I practiced reading Japanese with Naruto doujinshi!
(For the record, Naruto doujinshi are unusually good for practicing reading the katakana characters. All the characters’ names are in katakana, and those names get yelled a lot, plus there’s a lot of um, onomatopoeia. Also in katakana!)
I didn’t grow up in a particularly puritan household but Joyce’s thought process here is still EMBARRASSINGLY familiar. I swear something similar went through my head the first time little teen me encountered an NC-17 Yugioh “lemon” (SHUT UP I KNOW)
omg I can relate to Joyce in an ironic way. That was my go-to sassy excuse to my friends when they asked me what I was reading.
What is that Font for “Literature” on the last panel? It’s very nice looking!
Well, once trimmed out and deboned a sirloin primal is going to have about the right shape but have a massive girth to length ratio. The tenderloin primal meanwhile is going to be more long and skinny.
It really should mean something, Walkman! It’s quite convenient that they settled things and I fully expect Sal to give you some sort of pass on this. But I also don’t really have much faith in you so feel free to disappoint me by somehow fucking this up anyway.
I see that font and I think directly of the special font used for the first words in Bible chapters. I see monks creatiing this painstakingly by hand by candlelight over many years. Geez that sounds even worse now that I read it again.
Do you have any idea how many dick pics there are in medieval manuscripts? Or of people farting or shitting? The scribes took every opprtunity to amuse themselves.
Definitely garlic aioli instead of A-1! If it’s brown that means something is seriously not right down there… which is probably fitting in an Amber slashfic. Never mind, carry on
Joyce seems to not have commented on the fact that this is also super gay “literature”, which could be an improvement. Or just her becoming one of those yaoi fan girl types who never make anyone including me a queer dude massively uncomfortable a lot of the time, no way.
I was one of those yaoi fangirl types, but I’d never inflict on other people without their consent. It was an extremely private thing that I’d only talk about with similarly-minded friends.
Welp, here I was, just about to make a joke about Clark’s heat vision vis-a-vis Bruce’s weiner, but it turned out I’d been beaten to it several times. Because of course.
He’s totally Lois’s personal blowtorch when she makes creme brûlée at parties. “Clark, could you do the thing at my sugar, please?” ZAP! Kryptonian caramelization.
Frankly, Joyce can get away with the ‘literature’ argument because whoever wrote that slashfic is one of those conceited writers that likes using obtuse metaphor. Basically, the B/S equivalent of the Twilight trilogy.
The word you’re looking for is “erotica”, Joyce. 😉
Also… Although I consider myself a connoisseur of said erotica, I’m still having trouble trying to visualize what exactly Bruce “unfurling his massive sirloin” is referring to. If a male’s genitalia is long enough to warrant “furling”, I daresay that the sheer amount of blood necessary to create an erection would make them pass out by way of a catastrophic drop in blood pressure. 😛
Well, I mean, it depends. While they’re quite rare, there are men who exceed 12 inches in length. And there’s also a fair amount of variability from one individual to the next when it comes to the difference between erect and flaccid length – if Batman were unusually well-endowed while also being a “grower not a shower,” it seems reasonable to argue that arousal would constitute “unfurling.”
On the other hand, if he were a “shower” and were that long, it seems like the only way to function while clothed might be to do a bit of judicious rolling up.
Yeah. What a lot of people don’t realize is that men who already possess a great deal of length/girth actually don’t see much difference in size following arousal. On the other hand, men who have small flaccid sizes often experience size changes of up to 3 or 4 times their usual size. The end result is that the vast (like, more than 90%) majority of men fall within the same final range of between 5 – 6 inches when aroused, regardless of how large/small they are when unaroused.
In any case, I’m inclined to concur with Deathjavu. I suspect that it’s more due to Amber’s poor choice of vocabulary for this story, and it’s more of a “roll and tuck” rather than a full-on furling. (Like, the word conjures up images of rolling up a string of sausages. XD More hilarious than titillating, if you ask me.)
I gotta be honest, I don’t think I have ever read any fanfiction written by an afab person that read like that. That’s some peak straight dude erotica imagery.
There is something on Jezebel, maybe two weeks ago, about men and their awfully-written sex prose. It is hilarious and worth looking up and will totally confirm everything you feel.
Yeah, this feels like an exaggeration but I also don’t make a habit of reading terrible slash written for straight women so I could be horribly mistaken.
I feel like mainstream het erotica uses this kind of imagery, but the kind of slash fanfiction that a teenaged nerd girl would read probably wouldn’t be so flowery. It’s 2018, we say dick now.
I hope Dina keeps arguing with her just so we can see the word LITERATURE at the epicenter of some kinda art deco painting thing radiating out in all directions in a gorgeous display.
I am way too excited for Joyce here. She’s defending her right to continue reading something erotic! Mostly through denial, but still. This is a huge change from how she was at the start of college, IMO. Back then I think that, the moment Dina clarified what she was reading, she would have run out of the room screaming. But now she’s just gonna keep reading. Good for her!
That was good too, though she shamed herself out of watching it pretty quickly. This is like a step further from that- here there’s someone else reminding her of what she’s doing and she still keeps going! I don’t think we’re quite at ‘open season’, but it’s still a lot of progress.
I, uh, don’t see 4chan as somewhere Joyce would ever want to go, though >.>
Hell, I’m 69 and I should stay away from 4chan for awhile yet. Seriously, 4chan is the cesspool of the Internet and that’s saying something. Yeah, there are parts of it that are entertaining, but the misogyny there is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
Hear ye hear ye, the walky-amber ship has been torpedoed, it begins its descent into the cold, murky depths. It was a whirlwind romance that many of us were open to but not totally here for, and its nature has long been questionable in the face of the characters’ personalities and backstories, but it was cute sometimes and the characters still clearly wanted it.
Garbage roof was just escapism a totally magic aura of protection from life’s problems. Now reality came rushing back they’ve strayed too far from the protective aura!
Just have an entire storyline where everything is proceeding like normal, but between every scene it cuts back to Walky and Amber literally camping out on the roof just all “yep we’re still here, everything’s definitely fine”
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I mean how can it be porn, clearly it’s about rump roast… and beef cake… and tube steak
QWANTZ!
Just a bunch of recipes, passed down for generations…
Through the generations. Alternatively, passed down orally. There are some great oral traditions to be found if you’re only willing to receive.
Wow…
Clark likes his tube steak rare.
However what him and Mr. Wayne get up to is NONE of MY business.
With additional recipes for slippery spam porpoise, big ‘ol balogna pony, spicey beef splattering ram, and, for the vegens out there, turgid tofu truncheon.
Joyce is book
Joyce right now.
(f)art
class literature():putting the ass in class
and lots of things into the ass
“Have you read James Joyce’s love letters? The phrases “my little fuckbird” and “arse full of farts” appear.…”
https://xkcd.com/1414/
private class Literature implements Pornography {
…
}
Juicy Literature.
But not rare literature.
This literature is well done.
A-1
Joycy literature
How could it be possibly be juicy if it’s served well done?
Christ, the sirloin will be all stiff and rubbery.
IfYouKnowWhatIMean.jpg
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!
It’s a metaphor.
This logic explains my grandmother’s collection of bodice-rippers…
Joyce isn’t necessarily wrong. There is plenty of porn in the literary canon. I mean, have you read Chauser?
And then there’s the Song of Solomon. In the Bible.
Like, come on.
Ezekiel 23:19-21
Hey now, the song of solomon is just a metaphor for Jesus’ love for you. Specifically, he wants to climb you and grab your melons. 🙂
There are Christians who actually believe the Song of Solomon is “a chaste and holy allegory of Christ’s love for his Church.”
That’s what I’ve been told during my religious education, yes.
So what do ‘melons’ translate to in this context? I need to know what the Chruche’s melons are.
They’re what Jesus holds on to while he loves the Church.
Screw that, I want to know what the farts are.
It’s a metaphor.
SillyGoose: Boobs. It’s pretty blatant. “Thou art a mighty tree, thy breasts like melons. And I thought, I shall climb this tree and grasp its melons” (paraphrasing from memory because I’m lazy).
See, the funny thing is, we didn’t get into these details 🙂 We’re simply taught the general notion that the book is a metaphor 🙂
It’s so much easier to use the bible to justify what a person wants if nobody actually reads it. 🙂
Hmm no I must admit I am not familiar with any authors named Chauser.
I understand he wrote the congaerberry Tails.
canterbury tales. lets just say i had a hard time keeping a straight face when i had to read them for literature…
No, no. You’re confusing Chaucer with Chaucer. One wrote the Canterbury Tales and the other wrote the Congaberry Tails.
Chaucer with Chauser.. Damn spell corrector ruined my joke after the filter cleaned it up.
I prefer a simpler definition, which encompasses a variety of mediums:
Pornography is that which, upon orgasm, ceases to be interesting.
That is a *marvelous* definition.
let’s be real though; the second Clark’s sphincter clenches reflexively, Bruce’s sausage will be snipped.
kryptonite condoms, maybe?
Nah, red solar radiation-infused lube. Quells Clark’s super-powers just long enough for lovin’, with no lethality or weird side-effects like making Supes become a yeti or something. (Red Kryptonite was the strangest Kryptonite.)
Stranger than Pink Kryptonite?
According to several versions of the superman canon, Supes’s invulnerability actually extends out slightly PAST his skin and can actually infuse objects he is in contact with for a certain amount of time, temporarily making them also invulnerable. This is the in-universe explanation for why his clothes aren’t constantly getting burned or blasted off, or for when a writer wants to have Superman do something like shield someone with his cape: the cape has been touching Superman long enough that the cape temporarily also has superpowers.
So basically, a regular condom would work.
Also, someone in close contact with supes for a while would also probably gain his super resilience for a bit, so if he goes slow and there’s lots of cuddling (which is probably a given, Clark seems like a cuddler) then there’s no problem.
… Yes I have thought too damn much about weird superhero physics as applied to intimacy.
Actually, Martha wove the cape out of the unraveled thread from the Kryptonian blanket Superman was wrapped in as a baby, thereby accounting for the cape’s special abilities. At least according to an issue I read in my youth.
Geez, not more “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” crap. Given that Supes is a fictional character he can simply written as being safe for humans to have sex with.
Superman is an alien, he’s probably all HR Giger down there anyway.
In the words of Leif and Thorn IN SPACE!Thorn… “Yes please I would like some of all of that.
It has pincers
I was going to find that so I guess I’ll settle for linking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1dzglJEqac
That is too funny, what is it from?
Let me try that again,
It’s just a one-off strip by Stjepan Sejic
Darn, I was hoping it was a webcomic I could add to my collection.
MarySueman was originally barely bullet proof, and Clarks’ a good sub, he wouldn’t let himself slip like that.
(Dude must be desperate for someone out there to tell him what to do, listen to that Tissue Paper monolog again!)
“DO YOU BLEED? YOU WILL.”
*ironic snippet of Prince’s “Batdance” plays from Amber’s computer speaker*
So much yes.
i fucking called it
Hilarious fonts are hilarious!
I choose to believe that Joyce is saying it in the British-est accent possible.
There’s a school of thought which claims that the British accent of today is an affectation acquired over the years as the Engish unconsciously cultivated a manner of speaking that sounded more ‘posh’. On the other hand, Americans, isolated as we were from the ‘mother tongue’, never made that change with the end result that today’s American accent is actually truer to the British accent of Shakespeare’s day rather than what most people think of as the ‘classic’ British manner of speaking.
Depends on the place. I heard that about either Virginia or New England accents (I don’t recall offhand which).
This schol of thought is at best, a heavy exaggeration (when it’s not used explicitly as a means of increasing tourism to the Appalachians). Realistically, some areas are closer to 18th century British pronunciation, bu language and acccents are constantly changing and evolving
This school of thought also makes the assumption that linguistic drift only happened on one side of the ocean, which is highly unlikely. American regional accents have more likely changed and grown in their own ways since the 17th century – just not in the exact same ways that British regional accents have changed and grown.
The basic concept seems sound, though obviously blurred by the fact that there are multiple accents in both countries. The main theory is that the British started dropping their Rs at least in the main urban dialects, while most US dialects kept them.
“LIT-TRIT-CHA”
Those thick stems, rugged shoulders, frilly crotches, and those terminal balls!! Gadzooks!!
That’s an impressive font!
(Okay, technically there weren’t any gadzooks in there, I just added that for fun.)
Okay, she does appear to be aware that it’s about dudes doing it but that metaphor . . . does not work tbh. It’s a fairly accurate take on some of the fanfic I’ve come across, but. Wait, is that supposed to imply Bruce is circumcised?
Given that he’s an American there’s a good chance he is, especially the further back you go in his existence. Circumcision rates have been dropping in the US, but are still quite high compared to much of the world.
According to the image in the Dark Label comic… yes, he is. 🙂
Here’s an article talking about the fact that his Dick Greyson was showing.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.vox.com/platform/amp/2018/9/20/17882502/batmans-penis-nude-comic-book
Whoa O_o
Of course the metaphor doesn’t work. It’s fan fiction. Some FF is pretty good, but most of it is stinko.
That metaphor especially doesn’t work when you consider that if Clark stares too hard, “well done” won’t be a metaphor anymore.
I was actually going to post that it’s not really an accurate take of the slash I’ve read. It reads very…dude-ly to me. The stuff I’ve read is mostly written by women, who are (at least IME) a lot less likely to use food metaphors for body parts.
Dumbing of Age Book 9: This Isn’t Porn
(spoiler alert: it’s all porn)
alternatives:
Dumbing of Age Book 9: Porn Has Pictures! Gross Images! This is Words!
Dumbing of Age Book 9: Bruce Unzipped, Unfurling His Massive Sirloin
Dumbing of Age Book 9: Clark Knew in His Heart of Hearts That By Night’s End, This Cut of Meat Would Be Well Done
Dumbing of Age Book 9: LITERATURE! (in fancy font)
You guys keep this up and Willis will get annoyed, and it will be:
Dumbing of Age Book 9: BOOK
The only reason I can see “LITERATURE” not becoming a meme is that it’s hard to replicate purely textually.
L̹̏̂̔̓̄I̼̤̦̅̍̐͋̾́ͪ͞T͎̩̗͓̲̼̥͍͔͑ͭ͞Ẽ̸̞̼͎̭̤ͭ̃̐̔̀͌͒͟R̵̬͙̩̘̩̾̇̽ͣ̽ͅĄ̝ͫ̔̐̇ͩ͑͋̅T͈̣̬̗̭̥̊̐͗ͬ̆U̙͉͍̖͍̞̥̎̿̈́́R̴̘̳͕͈̫̻͖̍͊͂͋̓̕ͅE̽́҉̶̯̭͉̳̪̜
𝔏𝔦𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔢
how did you do that
𝕷𝖎𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖚𝖗𝖊
Oh.
I mean, erotica IS a genre of literature.
Good luck convincing any creative writing prof alive though.
Also – sirloin? Really? Amber, honey, just say ‘cock’.
But Amber really wanted a food metaphor for . . . reasons.
What happened to bananas?
Too fruity.
What’s wrong with coq au vin?
Too foreign.
Do you think Joyce knows the more common slang terms for penis?
I ask because, while she did know “cock,” my friend didn’t learn the word “dick” until freshman year of college, and she wasn’t even religious and/or homeschooled.
She seems to stick with man dangle. 😛
As slang goes, “dick” is not that old. Well into my teens, the word was “peter.” I might have been in college when I first heard “dick.”
Okay, but my friend and I are 24. How old are you?
69
So one of us is the crotchety old guy on here. Were you born before or after June?
During
Wow. Early, mid, or late.
This is beginning to sound like “talking the card to the top of the deck.” Suppose you reveal your personal information.
Lols, you said 69.
Ohhh but it IS though….
DICK: “fellow, lad, man,” 1550s, rhyming nickname for Rick, short for Richard, one of the commonest English names, it has long been a synonym for “fellow,” and so most of the slang senses are probably very old, but naturally hard to find in the surviving records. The meaning “penis” is attested from 1891 in British army slang.
Huh. But “dick” is also slang for “detective.” I remember (after I learned that “dick” could be an insult comparing a person to genitalia) reading the phrase “the dick and his friends” in a Hardy Boys book, which I knew was supposed to be wholesome children’s literature.
But that pales in comparison to the statement that young Jill “made love to everyone” in a castle full of giants, in The Sliver Chair by C.S. Lewis (first paragraph of chapter 9 if you don’t believe me). Apparently the phrase was completely innocent of sexual connotation as recently as 1953.
Dick was around when I was a teen. Peter was a little archaic. Johnson was also used, but I don’t think it’s stuck around. In old collections of dirty jokes, I see the word Tallywacker.
Sirloin is saucier though.
And medium rare.
*Well done. We’re not fucking cavemen. 😛
Archaeological and genealogical studies say otherwise >.>
Tchnologically, we are not. 😛
Well, only the lucky ones among us….
Enjoy your burnt meat.
If it’s burnt, whoever cooked fucked up. Not my fault so many people who make well done can’t do it right. 😛
Oh no, not this debate! Next people will enter “creamy or crunchy” territory and then all will be lost!
There’a not really a ton of debate for me. I have a heart condition, so no raw mea (or rare meat) for me.
If you’re not fucking cavemen, who(m) ARE you fucking?
Yeah, there’s about a zillion slang terms for penis. And approximately all of them work better than ‘sirloin’. The image just does not appeal.
I think she did say ‘cock’ – Willis must have another filter in place.
you obviously haven’t met mine. we had an entire seminar with one of his friends who used to write N-Sync erotica
Nice! Most creative writing profs I’ve heard of don’t consider anything ‘genre’ (or ‘lowbrow’) to be real literature and therefore not appropriate to creative writing.
Sirloin? Wouldn’t tenderloin be a more appropriate metaphor?
I mean, only high class literature would use such a high class word as “sirloin”.
Sheesh, no kidding. How long has Amber had this sitting around on her hard drive?
…Alternatively, I suppose, how far back on FFN has she gone??
Steak? Or stake?
when both homophones have the same connotation
Woohoo loopholes! And thus Joyce, as Ruth predicted, pratfalls into her first orgasm, and emerges from her newfound smutty fanfic stash several days later.
This is going to be awesome.
Considering her response to a certain children’s cartoon, you’re probably right.
Ha ha ha I cannot WAIT until she finds the fanfic of that one! 😀
Heh… I wonder if Ao3 exists in-universe? Ff.net doesn’t allow explicit material, but An Archive of Our Own, er, explicitly does.
AdultFanFic is pretty thread-bare, though, which is too bad considering it’s probably the first one she’d stumble across.
Hm. Where did Ruth make that prediction, exactly?
She made that prediction a couple days ago.
Hmm. Joyce might be running out of time to preemptively marry half the town!
Well, she can teleport, so preemptively marrying half of the town should still be possible for her!
Joyce is going to have a stack of “pillow-rider” romance novels by month’s end.
I wonder if she already had some of the more chaste ones? Christian Romance Novels are a huge and frightening subgenre.
I chose to believe that that is another font based on Willis’ handwriting.
So Amber was concerned about Joyce being in the room, but not Dina, even though she was in the room all along? I guess Amber has accepted that Dina will know all her secrets and there’s no point in hiding
For one thing, Amber knows that Dina would never in a million years betray any of her secrets, not even by accident.
And they have a strong bond. One that might seem strange to us neuro-typicals, but it’s strong nonetheless; for many reasons.
*Well, I might not be -entirely- typical, but I’m pretty good at pretending.
They easily have the best roommate relationship in the comic. Dina knew about AG all along but didn’t say anything, and protects Amber with her gatekeeping. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a deep conversation about this
Dorothy and Sierra work because Sierra is the chillest person to counterbalance Dorothy being the most high strung.
And thankfully on top of that they are both very respectful of others. Sierra’s chill, but not “smoke weed in the dorm” chill. Dorothy’s high strung, but she’s never anything less than friendly to Sierra.
Why do I feel like some of the other stuff Walky doesn’t know yet will come to light just as he decides to give this relationship a chance anyway…
Oh yeah, it’s because Valentine’s Day is coming.
This storyline will run through March 1, so we will get our Valentine’s Day strip
Place your bets early folks! Who’s going to be having the atypical, probably sad Valentine’s strip?
– Ruth and billie arguing (Willis said on twitter an argument was coming)
– Walky and Amber, on account of numerous other shoes dropping?
– Some other couple?
Amber and Walky happen to be in the same place as Ruth and Billie and we get overlapping drama for Valentine’s Day.
I like you.
For bonus points, Billie hears about the fight, and is pissed at Amber.
For maximum effect, add Becky and Dina to the drama.
I do not like your universe. Let’s avoid living there.
Intercepted by Joyce.
Reading Porn.
As it should be.
Joyce’s pratfall into her first orgasm will be the Valentine’s Day strip. Complete with the panic, shame and crying that will result.
Goddamnit, Amber.
Hey look on the bright side at least she has a new fan.
Obviously they’re just grilling.
That pun was awful. I love it.
What would Bruce be unzipping in this scenario?
A ziplock bag. Where he keeps his sirloin seasoned and marinated for prime flavor.
Caution:If marinated for more then 3 hours, meat may become stringy!
You *guys*!!!
Like every single one of you wasn’t thinking it.
It’s a metaphor.
I should have used that excuse when I was younger.
Highshool math teacher: what are you doing on your phone in the middle of my class?
Me: I’m reading Literature
For some reason my math teachers didn’t like me reading in their classes, no matter which kind of literature it was. Amusingly enough, neither did my literature teachers, since they expected me to do all of my reading outside of the classroom.
I usually got away with it by dint of my school being the local sinkhole for trouble students. As a well-behaved kid, as long as I’d already done the work, I could do what I liked, because the teachers had their hands full. And I chose to read the library’s entire fantasy section.
I made my best friend by the fact we both got out library books as well as our pencil cases and schedules on the first day of English class.
So many teachers I had hated me doing work in class that was meant as “homework”, even if I’d finished the in-class work.
Then there was the recurring substitute teacher who insisted on telling his extremely boring life story to every class no matter the subject matter, and wouldn’t let us do the in-class work our regular teachers had left behind. :V
…Is Clark going to use his heat vision on Bruce’s…
You know what, never mind. I don’t need to know.
Hey some peole use jumper cables. Why not heat rays?
I’ve been there too, Joyce. I even justified literotica by reading sex scenes in books that weren’t literotica explicitly. They would just have one or two sex scenes that I’d read…more often then the rest of the book
There were some things I justified by being like, “Well, they’re both/all girls, and I’m a girl, and of course I’m straight, so OBVIOUSLY it’s not sexual.”
That Daisy avatar is perfect for that comment.
this reminds me of times I’ve picked up an older library book and had the book fall open to a spot where the spine’s been cracked from frequent readings, always at The Raunchy Bit
See, and that just doesn’t happen with e-books. XD This is why physical copies are superior.
Hey, did you know that the pages with the full-page illustration of the Devil in The Devil’s Bible are actually noticeably darker than the rest? The legend is that that’s because of some supernatural effect; testing has shown, however, that it’s sun damage (the vellum calf skin literally becoming slightly tanned) from the book being opened, for centuries, at that illustration more than the others.
I sometimes do the random sex test on the bodice rippers my wife reads. Randomly pick a page, see if it has a sex scene. repeat 10 times. The sex scenes percentage is usually about 70%.
Saaaame
Forever by Judy Blume
Judy Blume wrote sex scenes???
Yep. Forever is about a 17 year old girl and her boyfriend finding the right time to bang and then afterwards realizing that even if you think it does at the time, it doesnt mean the relationship is meant to last and that’s not a bad thing.
Also, Deenie has masturbation in it.
Plus, Michael literally named his sirloin Ralph
my abity to read english was far worse before i found fanfiction
i meant to post that on its own but whatever
I practiced reading Japanese with Naruto doujinshi!
(For the record, Naruto doujinshi are unusually good for practicing reading the katakana characters. All the characters’ names are in katakana, and those names get yelled a lot, plus there’s a lot of um, onomatopoeia. Also in katakana!)
I didn’t grow up in a particularly puritan household but Joyce’s thought process here is still EMBARRASSINGLY familiar. I swear something similar went through my head the first time little teen me encountered an NC-17 Yugioh “lemon” (SHUT UP I KNOW)
And there goes the Garbage lovers ship…..shit.
It was always going to hit that iceberg one day.
We’re no longer on the best timeline, but we aren’t on the complete disaster one yet either.
It means…Threesome?…
Jesus Clark, sirloin is supposed to be marinated for 24 hours and cooked on slow fire until you can cut it in half with your fingers.
Also, Bruce, keeping meat in your pants is very unhygienic
In fairness, there is no part in that sirloin’s existence when Clark can’t cut it in half with his fingers. Including when it was a cow.
Bruce trained for years to be the best at keeping meat in his pants.
Considering he’s got at least one unexpected kid out there, he hasn’t always succeeded.
Oh good I was worried I missed my chance for this link
‘As a horny evangelical teen, I knew sex had to wait until marriage. So I wrote soft-core erotica about my wedding night.’
https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/12/evangelical-sex-ed-marriage-fantasy-erotica.html
HEAT VISION DOESN’T GO THERE CLARK
omg I can relate to Joyce in an ironic way. That was my go-to sassy excuse to my friends when they asked me what I was reading.
What is that Font for “Literature” on the last panel? It’s very nice looking!
Amber has apparently seen some funny looking penises. Sirloin is the last thing I’d think of someone referring to one as.
Well, once trimmed out and deboned a sirloin primal is going to have about the right shape but have a massive girth to length ratio. The tenderloin primal meanwhile is going to be more long and skinny.
😀 You’re Welcome! 😀
Right?? Also any penis that you “unfurl” is probably not one you want inside you. Alien species notwithstanding.
It’s an alien metaphor.
Well, yes.
But Sirloin is not the last thing I’d think of someone referring to one’s ass.
It really should mean something, Walkman! It’s quite convenient that they settled things and I fully expect Sal to give you some sort of pass on this. But I also don’t really have much faith in you so feel free to disappoint me by somehow fucking this up anyway.
Did Willis do the ‘Literature’ calligraphy himself or did he download a couple fonts?
Joyce switches her major to English just so she can find easier to justify “literature” to read.
That scene in Ragtime nearly breaks her.
I see that font and I think directly of the special font used for the first words in Bible chapters. I see monks creatiing this painstakingly by hand by candlelight over many years. Geez that sounds even worse now that I read it again.
Do you have any idea how many dick pics there are in medieval manuscripts? Or of people farting or shitting? The scribes took every opprtunity to amuse themselves.
When the steak was ready Clark drizzled A-1 sauce ever so lightly.
Definitely garlic aioli instead of A-1! If it’s brown that means something is seriously not right down there… which is probably fitting in an Amber slashfic. Never mind, carry on
London Pub or nothing, fucking fight me.
It wasn’t brown to start with, but at the end it had changed colour from where it had been.
What are you talking about? Superman’s peristalsis surely turns all his undigested food into diamonds.
So Superman shits diamonds.
Yes. But it’s a metaphor.
Joyce seems to not have commented on the fact that this is also super gay “literature”, which could be an improvement. Or just her becoming one of those yaoi fan girl types who never make anyone including me a queer dude massively uncomfortable a lot of the time, no way.
She’s so repressed that she’ll pounce on whatever saucy depiction of the male body she can get, gay or not
I could totally see her becoming one of those yaoi fangirl types, oh jeez.
I was one of those yaoi fangirl types, but I’d never inflict on other people without their consent. It was an extremely private thing that I’d only talk about with similarly-minded friends.
Dina’s shirt is still the best shirt on earth. I recognize that there are probably other takeaways from this strip but none as important.
Possibly not.
Welp, here I was, just about to make a joke about Clark’s heat vision vis-a-vis Bruce’s weiner, but it turned out I’d been beaten to it several times. Because of course.
You really ought to warn him, Kent.
Well that’s his best way of cooking. I mean his other means of heat generation is superspeed friction.
Well done indeed.
I mean, it works for Robin.
He’s totally Lois’s personal blowtorch when she makes creme brûlée at parties. “Clark, could you do the thing at my sugar, please?” ZAP! Kryptonian caramelization.
Since my brain’s already in the gutter, “could you do the thing at my sugar, please” also became metaphor.
Initial misreading: “You really ought to warm him, Kent.”
LITERATURE!!!
Everything, including smut, is 5 times funnier when read in an emotionless, flat deadpan. The acting of Ben Stein is proof enough of that.
Really, Amber? Batman/Superman? You’re a comic book fan, go for the deep cut, don’t just write the obvious pairing to please the masses.
You’re talking to a lady who ships Stony and Stucky. She’s clearly a popular ship kinda gal.
Or a multi-shipper who writes what’s gonna get views.
Man-ThingxDeadman ain’t gonna be getting her many views any time soon.
Deadman pairings are fun, but they’re always only masturbation.
That’s insufferable hipster logic. Greater obscurity doesn’t make something better. Let her ship whoever the tell she wants
where did you learn that word, joyce
This already sounds better than 50 shades of grey.
You clearly have not read those sex scenes. *far off stare* The horror. The horror…
The worst, most juvenile, poorly written slashfic on the planet is orders of magnitude better than 50 shades.
Nice use of blackletter.
Then Joyce s going to enjoy reading the AO3 pages about Justice League and Young Justice. There’s probably steamy fics about Kid Flash and Super Boy.
Also, I knew this was going to happen after Amber and Walky started dating. Ships in this webcomic are as volatile as those from Homestuck.
“Probably”? You’re talking about AO3, where Rule 34 is in full force and effect. Certainly.
AO3’s TOS is literally ‘if it’s legal to post, you can post it.’ pretty much.
Whatever lets you sleep at night, Joyce.
THAT’S the work around. Alright, Joyce, lol. Oh boy.
Amber, that is some truly horrid prose.
Just Joyce.
Just Monica.
No, when there’s no pictures it’s called “Erotica”. Or just good ole’ Smut.
Smut, give me smut and nothing but! A dirty novel I can’t shut, if it’s un-cut, and un-subt… tle. (Tom Lehrer, of course.)
By THE Knight’s End.
Oh wait, that’s what you meant.
It’s all ogre for Joycenow.
Joyce *now
I’m assuming Amber doesn’t write any Shrek smut.
Otherwise, Joyce will learn things about herself she never even considered possible.
Shrek is love. Shrek is life.
Look at that – Joyce found an outlet for her pent up urges. Thank God for Literature.
This is literature and Joyce will go to her grave defending that fact! XD
There’s a more specific word for it, yaoi.
It’s fan-fiction, so it’s slash.
What are the chances that Amber wrote this? After all, she spends a lot of time in her room, alone.
I thought it was. It’s what Patreon’s been running with.
Keep telling yourself that Joyce and you might not fall into religious breakdown… again.
*plays Tom Lehrer’s “Smut” on the hacked muzak*
Food porn.
Every strip I read I realise how much I was Joyce in high school
Frankly, Joyce can get away with the ‘literature’ argument because whoever wrote that slashfic is one of those conceited writers that likes using obtuse metaphor. Basically, the B/S equivalent of the Twilight trilogy.
So, half the porn writers on FF.net who continued posting porn after the M/NC-17 category was removed.
Well, Joyce does love the twilight series iirc
The word you’re looking for is “erotica”, Joyce. 😉
Also… Although I consider myself a connoisseur of said erotica, I’m still having trouble trying to visualize what exactly Bruce “unfurling his massive sirloin” is referring to. If a male’s genitalia is long enough to warrant “furling”, I daresay that the sheer amount of blood necessary to create an erection would make them pass out by way of a catastrophic drop in blood pressure. 😛
Well, I mean, it depends. While they’re quite rare, there are men who exceed 12 inches in length. And there’s also a fair amount of variability from one individual to the next when it comes to the difference between erect and flaccid length – if Batman were unusually well-endowed while also being a “grower not a shower,” it seems reasonable to argue that arousal would constitute “unfurling.”
On the other hand, if he were a “shower” and were that long, it seems like the only way to function while clothed might be to do a bit of judicious rolling up.
OR, or, Amber’s writing is a bit cheesy and unfurling really isn’t the right word, it’s just the word she used.
The fact that Joyce ended up reading it still makes it great though. Another crack in her sexuality denial.
Yeah. What a lot of people don’t realize is that men who already possess a great deal of length/girth actually don’t see much difference in size following arousal. On the other hand, men who have small flaccid sizes often experience size changes of up to 3 or 4 times their usual size. The end result is that the vast (like, more than 90%) majority of men fall within the same final range of between 5 – 6 inches when aroused, regardless of how large/small they are when unaroused.
In any case, I’m inclined to concur with Deathjavu. I suspect that it’s more due to Amber’s poor choice of vocabulary for this story, and it’s more of a “roll and tuck” rather than a full-on furling. (Like, the word conjures up images of rolling up a string of sausages. XD More hilarious than titillating, if you ask me.)
Heh. “Amber’s pornography”. I like how… frank Dina is in this matter 🙂
“Joyce, you do realize what you are doing, yes?”
“LET ME HAVE THIS”
Dina is, again, the quiet one who notices everything.
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2015/comic/book-5/02-threes-a-crowd/curating/
Well the gross images are in your imagination, Joyce >:)
Wow, that is some shitty fanfiction.
It’s a metaphor.
Not sure how that’s relevant to my point but okay.
Oh. Well then, it’s LITERATURE!
As bad as Marigold’s?
https://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1790 +more.
“Not descriptive enough” is always better than “Very descriptive in ways that make me want to gouge out my mind’s eye.”
Point taken: Different kinds of fail, I would say.
I gotta be honest, I don’t think I have ever read any fanfiction written by an afab person that read like that. That’s some peak straight dude erotica imagery.
There is something on Jezebel, maybe two weeks ago, about men and their awfully-written sex prose. It is hilarious and worth looking up and will totally confirm everything you feel.
Oh no, that was exactly the article I was thinking about LMAO
Yeah, this feels like an exaggeration but I also don’t make a habit of reading terrible slash written for straight women so I could be horribly mistaken.
I feel like mainstream het erotica uses this kind of imagery, but the kind of slash fanfiction that a teenaged nerd girl would read probably wouldn’t be so flowery. It’s 2018, we say dick now.
… Amber got Joyce into erotica… Okay then.
Why is everyone in this comment section discussing smutty fanfiction?!
Also don’t answer that.
Seems to me you can only get away with the “knight” pun if they switch roles and Bruce plays bottom.
I hope Dina keeps arguing with her just so we can see the word LITERATURE at the epicenter of some kinda art deco painting thing radiating out in all directions in a gorgeous display.
Joyce. ENGLISH maor.
Maybe she could switch from Education?
I am way too excited for Joyce here. She’s defending her right to continue reading something erotic! Mostly through denial, but still. This is a huge change from how she was at the start of college, IMO. Back then I think that, the moment Dina clarified what she was reading, she would have run out of the room screaming. But now she’s just gonna keep reading. Good for her!
She was watching Joe’s porn tape. After that, I think pretty much anything is open season for her. :p
Well, except maybe goatse. She’ll probably want to stay away from 4chan for a while, yet. :p
That was good too, though she shamed herself out of watching it pretty quickly. This is like a step further from that- here there’s someone else reminding her of what she’s doing and she still keeps going! I don’t think we’re quite at ‘open season’, but it’s still a lot of progress.
I, uh, don’t see 4chan as somewhere Joyce would ever want to go, though >.>
Unfortunately it is not canon that she watched Joe’s porn movie.
She clapped down the display of her notebook at the beginning of the actual pornographic content.
Hell, I’m 69 and I should stay away from 4chan for awhile yet. Seriously, 4chan is the cesspool of the Internet and that’s saying something. Yeah, there are parts of it that are entertaining, but the misogyny there is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
The Dark Knight’s Tale.
As much as Andy Dick is a bag of human hate, it’s his delivery of “Literature” at 9:45-9:50 in this video I hear from this comic:
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x56hb0a
Are we going to get a whole storyline of Amber trying to find a replacement for Tumblr?
Likely not – this comic is set in “the eternal present”, and one way or another, the whole business with Tumblr will be old news by next year.
Not the reaction I expected out of Joyce, but I’m entertained by it nonetheless
Ah, I see Joyce has also come up with the go to acknowledgement when reading porn fics.
My go to answer is “stories”, but “LITERATURE” sounds so much alluring.
Insert panel from Kingdom Come of Clark cooking Bruce’s steak with his heat vison until it’s well done.
Hear ye hear ye, the walky-amber ship has been torpedoed, it begins its descent into the cold, murky depths. It was a whirlwind romance that many of us were open to but not totally here for, and its nature has long been questionable in the face of the characters’ personalities and backstories, but it was cute sometimes and the characters still clearly wanted it.
*blows trumpet*
Premature trumpet is premature.
Walky and Amber found each other in a little drama free cocoon where they could escape all their bullshit for a while.
OOOOOPS, bullshit caught up!
Garbage roof was just
escapisma totally magic aura of protection from life’s problems. Nowreality came rushing backthey’ve strayed too far from the protective aura!Leaving the roof was such a rookie mistake. They had a good thing going and they totally blew it.
Just have an entire storyline where everything is proceeding like normal, but between every scene it cuts back to Walky and Amber literally camping out on the roof just all “yep we’re still here, everything’s definitely fine”
Thanks to another comic I can’t see that font in a panel without thinking ‘Unicorn!’
It’s SMUT, not porn!
Can’t argue with that font.
… Is it weird that I’m proud of Joyce?
oh no, joyce is teenage me D:
I don’t think I can look at Bruce and Clark the same way anymore.
I know Willis has a backlog but this ended being quite timely considering the Tumblr implosion