I’m struggling so much right now just getting up and going to classes when all I want to do is just sleep and not exist.
…
I should probably be taking antidepressant drugs.
I know its dumb, but my brother failed out of college two years ago because of depression and hasn’t done anything else since. I’m really afraid to tell my dad I’m struggling, and I’m not sure I can afford the medicine without his health care. I know I should just tell him, and it won’t be that bad, but I can’t. I can’t let him down. So I’ve just been dealing with it as best I can, and using what my university has to offer. Unfortunately I’m getting worse.
I can’t claim to know your dad, but listen: getting help is important for you, but it’s also the best way to “not let him down,” if that’s what you’re really worried about. Your brother was so crushed by his depression that he could not cope with real-life tasks like college. You don’t want to follow in his footsteps, I get that. But toughing it out on your own and keeping silent about your struggle is more likely to end badly, because you are refusing help that could otherwise have been important to your success. I hope this makes sense, it’s 2 in the morning.
Lots of people suffer from depression and they think they have to do it quietly. But when you isolate yourself, and keep that depression hidden from the people around you, you are hurting your ability to overcome the depression and heal. I’ve never heard of anyone being able to cope with depression by themselves, and that’s why it’s such an insidious problem: depression tricks your brain into thinking you’re lost and helpless and there’s no way out. There is a way out, but most people need outside help to find the path out of that dark place. You need support and love to conquer depression, but it compels you to fold in on yourself and block yourself off from the rays of sunlight that could help you navigate the darkness.
So please, ask for help. Please do not suffer in silence. I, a total stranger, want nothing more than to help you, so I can guarantee there are thousands, or even hundreds of thousands more who want the same thing, and many of them have the resources to do so. Some people have gone so far as to dedicate their life to helping depression sufferers like you — like the people who work the Suicide Help/Prevention Hotline.
It should also be noted that depression can be VERY sneaky.
From all indications, I myself have, for several years now, (possibly even decades) been in a state of depression.
This has only become readily apparent to me after certain job related issues drove me to seek out help in determining what my current problems are.
While I had helped others in the past find the help that they needed, I myself was simply too close to the problem to realise that I too, was suffering from depression.
So if your friends notice the sort of behavior associated with depression in you, to seek help as soon as possible. There are many good websites out there to help recognize the symptoms, as well as who to contact for help.
That’s not dumb at all. Feeling like you’re letting someone down is pretty much one of the defining traits of depression. I would also strongly suggest the doctor.
I had severe depression in college, but didn’t recognize it for what it was. It’s stupid obvious now, but when I was sitting on the third floor window for hours, the entire time visualizing the jump, fall and impact and when I didn’t have the energy to get between classes in the same building without a nap; I thought I was bored with my major. I thought if I just could find something that interested me (or, for honesty’s sake, if I could find someone who loved me so I could focus my attention on them) then everything would just get better. I knew the issue had to be me, but couldn’t figure out how. Going four years with untreated depression was truly terrible, and it cost my ability to perform and caused me to make some poor decisions that have snowballed into bigger consequences since (I changed my major to a useless one that, surprise, I enjoyed even less than my original major), and has left me with few lasting relationships from that time period.
It sucks to go to the doctor, it’s scary to go through the process of finding the right medicine, and it takes far too much time to feel like it’s making a difference anyways. But really, not doing so then has been a major regret since. The decision to do so is personal and only you have any right to make a decision on the matter, but that’s my experience.
Captain Cloudworth, antidepressants aren’t terribly expensive anymore thanks to widespread use and they WILL help you cope. And it is like turning on a light switch: things that used to crush you become… just things again. You regain perspective and balance. I won’t lie, it takes time to work and therapy helps a lot on top of it, but please see a doctor who can diagnose you. Your dad cares more about YOU than a medical bill.
Captain Cloudwolf, in addition to what other people said, as a mental health professional, I can also say that most psychiatry offices have access to resources that can help you if you don’t have the money to afford your medication. Things from agencies that will help you cover the costs to programs that will help connect you with insurance, and even discount cards for medication. If you let people know that you are struggling (in any way) you might be surprised to find out all the help that people are willing to offer you both emotionally and tangibly. But people can’t help unless they know that you need/want it. So asking is the first step.
I’m a dad. I know a lot of other dads. Ask for the help. That’s what your dad would want. If he knew you were struggling over whether to ask, he would beg you to ask him. You’ll both be better off. I wish you peace and happiness.
I wish my son would ask for help more. He let his student loans go into default rather than ask for help. He lives with us but won’t ask for help from us or his brothers, even though we have contacts that might help him get back in the workforce. He won’t go to the VA for assistance he has certainly earned. He won’t see a doctor, since he doesn’t want to need help.
Being willing to ask for help is a gift to those who are just waiting to know how to help.
Just want to add that antidepressants are so cheap they’re on the Walmart $4 prescription plan.
The most expensive part is the actual therapy, but, since you are on campus, you tend to get that for free. So the only thing to be concerned about is the doctor’s visit itself.
But, if you’re hurting for money, you don’t have to keep going to the fancy psychologist the entire time. They can get you on, get you started, and then turn you over to a basic PCP.
^ This. I saw the counselors on campus for free while I was a student, but it was my primary doc who figured out a treatment plan for me in more detail and got me my prescription. Now I go back to him every six months for a med check and to see how I’m doing. 🙂
You are also not alone, not by a long shot.
I can’t fix me, but I can support you, and encourage you: tell him.
You being sick (and depression is an illness) is no more “letting him down” than catching a cold, or malaria, or leukemia. It is a thing that can be treated, but not simply wished away, and it is not your fault.
If you want, you can spend that energy making an appointment with the campus mental health services place first — that way, you can tell him “I have depression too but here’s a really solid thing I did already to begin addressing it, so that it won’t be like my brother’s, my first appointment is on Friday”. That’s a much different conversation, it’s not just “by the way I have the scary thing”, it’s “and I did a thing to take care of it”.
That was to Captain_Cloudwolf, and PS. You aren’t letting anyone down. Depression runs in families, you didn’t do anything to get it. Depression is not the same from sibling to sibling, though, so your experience with depression needn’t be like your brother’s. Love to you from the internet.
–oh derp you already said you are using campus services by yourself, in the face of stay-in-bed-level depression. That is super rad of you. Feel free to emphasize that you’ve been that proactive, as it is legit impressive.
The drugs help me a lot. I think I might be approaching climbing out of this slough soon. Ish.
But seriously, I’m feeling better than I have for a while. Get your spare spoons together, get to your health care provider, and talk it over with them. I think you’ll find it’s a thing worth doing. Courage, mon/ma brave! I’m sending you my spare vibes over the ether.
That’s what sent me to seek out help. I was spending days in bed during college, not just during classes I didn’t care about, but during classes I actually *enjoyed.* And then I’d feel terrible about ducking out, because I felt like I was letting my prof down and insulting his teaching (which I wasn’t, and TBH, he’d seen enough skippers to not take it personally), but then I’d start avoiding class more. 🙁 I was getting a D in that class when I finally went to the campus counseling office, just for having not turned in any work, because I wasn’t in class to turn it in. 🙁
That was the hardest part for me – staying in bed all day, feeling worthless about staying in bed all day, telling myself if I just got up and went to class everything would straighten out, and then staying in bed all day anyway. 🙁 Once my counselor helped me get past that cycle, I was able to start taking more proactive steps to manage my depression.
Thank you to everyone, it’s nice to hear from you all. I’ll try and look into antidepressants, since I’m in college I should be able to find something that will make it cheaper. I’m also trying to work up the courage to talk to my Dad. I know I need to, but courage isn’t something I have a lot of to spare right now when it’s scary to interact with people who I don’t know. I had really bad social anxiety in high school, and right when I was getting over that, depression and lack of self confidence brought it back and made it worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to talk to him soon. Thanks to everyone.
Oh, and Betty Anne? I’m kinda in that cycle now. My worst days are when I miss the classes I like.
Also, we’ll still be seeing plenty of Ruth, right? It would be interesting to see her get back on her feet and broaden her horizons. Besides, she’s probably my favorite character (or heavily in the running).
After Quark hacked all the terminals on Deep Space 9 to play ads for his bar – “Come to Quark’s, Quark’s is fun!” – Major Kira warned him that if they were not gone by the time she got back, “I will come to Quark’s. And I will have fun.”
As I’ve recommended before, check out MarkWatches, where you can read a guy who is experiencing DS9 (and all the rest of Star Trek) for the first time. You can even download videos to watch along with.
It kinda feels like you’re watching them fresh again.
(Note, I am not in any way associated with MarkDoesStuff. This is just like a webcomic recommendation.)
It’s not the long-term effects of the meds, though.
I wonder how much of it is the brief intervention she’s had, how much is the momentary high of a changing life course, and how much of it is just having had a few days away.
Maybe.. But “fake it til you make it” is a thing. If she wears a mask projecting a bit of positivity, people will respond to that mask by being friendly and kind, which will in turn help Ruth to raise her mood. Also, the act of smiling releases chemicals in the brain that also raise mood. In this way, the mask can start to slowly become the real Ruth.
Not that she wouldn’t have to take the mask off at some point to process what is really going on, but that’s what group or her counselor are for. As long as she is processing things, that mask is not necessarily a bad thing. I just wanted to stress that since my previous statement didn’t make that clear.
I have to say, it’s probably a bit of both? Ruth can be unpredictable and fall under persistenly-occurring mood changes, so it’s always good to act cautious around her, especially as she’s acting so unnaturally calm right now. At the same time, Billie knows that she can’t be around Ruth all the time anymore, and that unnerves her, as she’s worried she won’t be able to say a fitting goodbye (as Joyce is pushing her to do), and that Ruth might spiral into depression and alcoholism without her around. Hopefully, Ruth will be fine, as long as there aren’t any trucks.
Personally, I think this is more Billie worrying that “what if this isn’t the Ruth I fell in love with anymore”. The thought scares her, but she doesn’t want to speak badly of what she acknowledges might somehow be a good thing for Ruth.
I think it’s even more than that. Billie is still convinced that she’s poison and will destroy anyone who isn’t “broken” and “unhealthy”. So if Ruth is getting healthier and better…
In her mind, she’s terrified that she’s going to destroy Ruth’s recovery or that a healthy Ruth will realize she’s as “poisonous” as Alice considered her.
Maybe there’s a similarity between Billie and Ruth and Amber and Amazi-Girl. A&A’s situation is more complicated because they’re sharing some headmeats, but in both situations, someone feels they might not be good enough for the other.
And, I suppose, Billie thinks if Ruth gets well, she doesn’t need her anymore. And then, where she will be? Being needed keeps a focus and provides meaning.
Definitely. To add even another layer, she’s scared to tell Ruth, she’s just bottling all that stress, because she doesn’t want to harm Ruth’s recovery.
Gonna take me a while to get used to the new Ruth. I like that she’s improving, but I got used to that death glare. Nihilism with a smile sounds nice, though.
I really feel for Ruth right now. It took about three months for my mood stabilizer to really kick in and start working and that was a lonnnnnnng three months. “Am I better? Why aren’t I better? Is this working? When will this work? Why isn’t this working yet? Am I just broken?”
That new psych med struggle is real. My depression leaves me unable to feel anything, and when I first started on my current anti-depressant, my emotions came back one at a time. And the first was rage. I was always angry for the first month because there was nothing to temper my fury. But it was so good to feel SOMETHING that I reveled in it. I was that person on xBox Live threatening to rip people’s organs out through their urethras for spawn camping, and I meant it.
So long as I’m venting in a video game, those are actually moments that I’m glad I have. 1) I’m emoting, which is something I’ve been bad at for a long time and I’ve been practising, and 2) It’s good to vent blind rage in a (mostly) harmless space. I calm down a lot afterwards and that helps me make rational decisions when it’s important.
Strongly Agree.
Sometimes it’s hard not to be jealous of Ruth’s immediate positive reaction to her first meds. It can happen, but it’s lucky!
(I mean, lucky for a person who has severe depression. It’s kind of a low bar.)
Getting the meds right on the first go is a lucky break for any level of depression. I’m one of those lucky ones who had that happen, not only with the type of med, but also with the dosage. Yeah, my depression is considered moderate, but still. It got to the point where I considered suicide, but the fact that my best friend threatened to do awful things to my grave if I succeeded…
Once the antidepressant had built up in my system, that aspect of my mental health stabilized. I have to be really aware of my feelings and mood, because it could come back, because depression works in cycles, but I am getting better at speaking up if something is not right.
My only regret is that I didn’t realize what was going on years ago, when it was just mild depression.
When I started welbutrin SR the first time it was like flicking on a light switch, proverbially. Like that is literally the way I’ve been describing it for almost 20 years. It was like I’d been living in a dark small room and suddenly I realized there was a light switch and I could turn it on and see nice furniture and windows and stuff. It was life changing.
It also triggered mania episodes, which I didn’t realize at the time. I just got super antsy, argumentative, and productive.
Lamotrigine has taken a LOT longer to kick in but wow does it make a difference.
If you need a new on from the store, you need weeks at best and you start to consider if you really need lights in the toilet. (It’s funny because I bought two lightbulbs yesterday, eventually, because of the toilet, but I’ve been needing the other one since I first moved in in August)
I’m picturing Ruth showing up behind you in your mirror, but not there when you turn around to look directly, and it sounds like a teaser for a horror movie. The Curse of the Femur Stalker?
*phew* That hits home. I had to take a “medical leave of absence” from college because my (at this point undiagnosed) aspergers, anxiety, depression, and PTSD (I was a messed) caused my grades to suffer and my financial aid to get yanked out. But it gave me six months get my life in order, get help with the depression and anxiety, get a part time job, and take some community college courses to get my GPA up. It’s difficult to look forward in situations like that, so that Ruth is able to look at the possible positives as well as the negatives, and to actually planning ahead is incredibly good.
To me it’s just weird. Therapy? In a fictional universe? That *works*???
I suppose there’s still time for us to learn that the therapist is mind-controlling people or extracting people’s brains or something, bringing things back into the realm of normalcy.
Panel 1: I like how Billie is looking at Ruth the entire time they are entering. It’s really clear how nervous she is about this change, in ways she rarely managed when Ruth was actively suicidal. Which suggests a few things. That she might not fully trust Ruth’s recovery arc, that this is change and change can be scary, or what seems most likely to me, she’s still stuck on that fear that she’s “poison” and so a healthy Ruth might mean a Ruth who can be “destroyed” by her.
… her own therapy session can’t come soon enough…
Panel 2: Both their faces worried and frowning, Billie lending a hand in support. Like they are both facing the monster of where Ruth left this room and in what condition she was when she did.
Panel 3: And with the flick of the wrist, the monster is banished. A turning point is reached.
Panel 4: Oof, yeah. That pit is deep when depression hits. The simplest of tasks become monumental tasks difficult to complete without spending all of your energy. When things got bad, it became too hard to bother eating and there’ve been days when leaving the bed or the room became too hard. And yeah, I know that feeling of staying in the dark, because the journey to the light switch seems too dangerous, like you can’t full trust yourself to stop there and not to find the nearest ledge.
Panel 5: I like that she’s planning realistically for the worst, keeping in mind what she’ll need to get done to avoid falling prey to “sir” again. But I worry that she’s jumping the gun too much and assuming she’s going to be screwed and quickly. Which seems odd as I suspect that Chloe at least would be of the mind to make any transition out as gentle as she is allowed to make it.
Panel 6: Being freed from one set of responsibilities is good. It means resources for another fight. And her recovery is very clear. She’s able to smile, for reasons that aren’t just love. She’s able to joke about her condition and not in a bitter defeated way. She’s even able to analyze her situation in Panel 5.
And I still worry a lot about Billie. It’s clear this idea of a healthier Ruth worries her a lot, makes her worry about her place, what she has to offer, even what their dynamic will become. And I want to just take them aside and tell them that healthiness is a good thing. That they’ll be stronger for not having to put all their energy into fighting the cold hands of depression. That they now have a chance to build something genuinely healthy if they want.
But mostly, I want Billie to talk to Ruth. To share her fears, her concerns, her hopes. Cause I think Ruth wants that conversation too.
If the world is empty of meaning and the universe doesn’t care about you, then find a way to spread joy and make the meaningless adventurous trudge through this barren marvel of enthropic beauty enjoyable to people.
She didn’t say she was good at it, she implied that she had worried about it, that she had been spending at least the amount of energy that it takes her to use light switches on occasion. She’s being self-deprecating and has no illusions that she was a good RA.
She never said she was good at it, but it did occupy her thoughts, it did burn up mental energy and we did see that she was capable of doing well sometimes. She did immediately try to crush Mary’s transphobia, she did try to fight Blaine to protect Amber, she did try to offer Amber support, she did try to be nice to people.
She won’t be in charge of protecting people on the floor any more. She might choose to do those things, but they won’t automatically be things that require her to toss her entire spoon drawer at them.
Been there, Ruth! Now it’s time to leap that chasm, float for a moment and find out you’re incapable of emotionally supporting both Billie and yourself and neither is she. c:
I can really relate, there’s this feeling when you have an improvement that took a lot of work, and it’s a big deal, but it wouldn’t look like a big deal at all to people who don’t have depression, so then you feel pathetic and stupid that this is what you’re proud of, that’s it, all that work for friggin lightswitches that normal people flick for free. But, it is a big deal, it’s talking charge of your environment, and you couldn’t do it before… it’s this weird pride-unworthiness cycle.
And by ‘you’ I mean ‘me’.
Well, I wouldn’t exactly go that far. As an RA, she would have various duties that might not be apparent to someone who’s only exposure to the daily life of the college is just through the comics…. arranging floor meetings (which we know she’s done a few times; remember Ethan explaining his Floor meeting was just the RA saying “Trek marathon is on. See you later”), basic policing (remember that she had to deal with Blaine on family weekend).
Not saying that she was a great RA, just that she actually did SOMETHING, as flawed as she is.
I dated an RA once, I know what the jobs are. She needs to be there for her students emotionally as well. She’s done that like maybe once, and only because she personally identified with Amber’s shit life.
And no, the Carla thing doesn’t count, cuz she pussed out.
I think it varied from place to place. And definitely RA to RA. My memories of my RAs in college are far more minimal. Dealing with practical problems, a check to make sure things didn’t get too far out of hand, etc. Honestly, very little actual contact.
Emotional needs never really came up.
So, like, have you READ the comic, or are you just sort of going off vague feelings?
Like, Ruth did a ton of solid RA-ing. She just also was in a fucked up relationship with Billie. You’re acting like the former never happened because you don’t approve of the latter.
I feel this on a personal level. The simplest things can feel overwhelmingly difficult when you’re too depressed to handle anything. For me it’s always getting the mail out of the mailbox. Like, lemme just lie in bed here for a while longer and let my bills fester in the mailbox, this seems real healthy! Not.
Cuz for me, nihilsm is a huge depression trigger – mainly because thinking about it too much triggers the same thought patterns in my brain that led to my depression in the first place. I’ve thought for basically since I got my depression into remission that nihilsm is just depression wrapped in the clothing of intellectualism. YMMV, but for me, what nihilsm says as a philosophy is what my brain was saying on depression. If everything is pointless and going to be terrible anyway, what’s the damn point of getting dressed/showering/trying not to self-injure/trying to get better/trying at all?
So, yeah.
For me, the difficulty wasn’t with the act of turning on the lightswitch – more like a self-punishing thing? Like I don’t deserve to take up the electricity to have light. The act itself was never what I was having trouble with – it was justifying that I deserve whatever meagre benefit the act would give me. So if I could convince myself it was for someone else, I could do the thing. For me? Fuck me, I don’t deserve shit. I deserve to lay here in this bed and be miserable and think about all the ways I suck. Or alternatively I’d just be numb and the thought of doing the thing wouldn’t even occur to me because to think about doing things you need to feel something about your current situation and I didn’t.
I had a depressive period after college after passing on grad school, ditching a a horrible seasonal job, and just generally not knowing what to do with my life, and I had gotten to that numb anhedonia place where I just seemed detached from everything, like I was drowning in my own head. Bizarrely it was a nihilist moment that sort of set me free from that. It occurred to me that if nothing mattered, if everything is pointless, then there was actually no way to screw it up.
I remember I’d been sitting outside in the same dark heavy clothing, trying to hide and protect myself I guess, and went inside and took my first shower in days. Things went uphill from there. Still going uphill. I’m still obviously touched by anxiety and my self-esteem is shaky but somehow my whole internal compass realigned after that moment. Like it was suddenly ok to just be myself. All the crushing superegoic weight I felt of needing to sate outside forces finally quieted.
Maybe nihilism is just neutral. I always hated it as a philosophy up until the above point, and now I guess I see it as a strange friend.
… She’s gonna try to work so she doesn’t have to go back?
… I’m now prouder of her than ever. She’s not letting herself go back to an unsafe situation. She’s going to stay here, with the resources she needs to stay healthy, and the people who are the safety net she needs.
Ok I’m assuming there’ll probably be some sort of relapse (not sure if that’s the correct word) every now and then but if she can keep up this sort of attitude she’ll get to that better place she needs to be
that’s the spirit ruth! shit still sucks, but the meds kind of sort of help you do things you couldn’t do before!! this strip is… so spot on to the post-out of psychiatric treatment mentality.
The deadpan nihlistic jokes while smiling with a sarcastic thumbs-up is the sort of thing that I do when I’m feeling a little better – I don’t even have the energy for that in the worst of my depression bits – so it seems that Ruth might be a bit like me and while she’s obviously being sort of sarcastic about “look at this progress I’m making”, she is making some progress.
Randomly off topic here, but is anybody else enjoying When We Rise? It’s a multi part show about the gay liberation moment and some on the women’s movement and AIDS. They even have an interview currently on with the real people behind the movie. It’s a beautiful show. If you haven’t seen it and you are LGBTQ+, know someone who is, or have a pulse, I highly recommend it. These people who were fighting before I was born and still are are the reason we can have any semblance of safety and are free to be who we are without fear of electroshock, lobotomy, or of being treated as less than human even when beaten or murdered. It’s why all the people who are bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual no longer have to resign themselves to playing straight. Yes it’s not perfect. Yes there are still fights ahead. But my god, if you aren’t inspired by these people to stand up for those being oppressed by recent laws and mentalities… then I don’t know what to think or say.
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“I saved A WHOLE SPOON by giving up this R.A. shit!”
fuckin spoon theory
SPOOOOOOOOON
Man I love the Tick
Not in the face! Not in the face!
Spoon?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcE0aAhbVFc
i don’t know how to do hyperlinked text 😛
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Huh. Maybe the internet’s broken.
No, use angles brackets.
Spoon Theory has saved me, many times over, the exhaustion that comes with trying to explain to people.
Billie’s almost as weirded out as the rest of us.
Very important keyword, there. “Almost”.
I know there’s still a ways to go but, seeing Ruth smile, genuinely smile, is a leap in the right direction
Is it? Will Billie still love this new, smiling Ruth?
…huzzah?
No, this is exactly what it’s like. I actually turn on lights now, too. 😀
Yup, when you’re down in the hole, the simplest of tasks can take up all the energy you’ve got.
So true. I’ve spent entire days in bed when my depression gets bad enough.
I’m struggling so much right now just getting up and going to classes when all I want to do is just sleep and not exist.
…
I should probably be taking antidepressant drugs.
It might be worth spending some of your finite energy visiting the doctor.
But even if you can’t, please know this. You are amazing and worthy of life.
I know its dumb, but my brother failed out of college two years ago because of depression and hasn’t done anything else since. I’m really afraid to tell my dad I’m struggling, and I’m not sure I can afford the medicine without his health care. I know I should just tell him, and it won’t be that bad, but I can’t. I can’t let him down. So I’ve just been dealing with it as best I can, and using what my university has to offer. Unfortunately I’m getting worse.
offers comfort with light internet shoulder touches.
I can’t claim to know your dad, but listen: getting help is important for you, but it’s also the best way to “not let him down,” if that’s what you’re really worried about. Your brother was so crushed by his depression that he could not cope with real-life tasks like college. You don’t want to follow in his footsteps, I get that. But toughing it out on your own and keeping silent about your struggle is more likely to end badly, because you are refusing help that could otherwise have been important to your success. I hope this makes sense, it’s 2 in the morning.
Lots of people suffer from depression and they think they have to do it quietly. But when you isolate yourself, and keep that depression hidden from the people around you, you are hurting your ability to overcome the depression and heal. I’ve never heard of anyone being able to cope with depression by themselves, and that’s why it’s such an insidious problem: depression tricks your brain into thinking you’re lost and helpless and there’s no way out. There is a way out, but most people need outside help to find the path out of that dark place. You need support and love to conquer depression, but it compels you to fold in on yourself and block yourself off from the rays of sunlight that could help you navigate the darkness.
So please, ask for help. Please do not suffer in silence. I, a total stranger, want nothing more than to help you, so I can guarantee there are thousands, or even hundreds of thousands more who want the same thing, and many of them have the resources to do so. Some people have gone so far as to dedicate their life to helping depression sufferers like you — like the people who work the Suicide Help/Prevention Hotline.
It should also be noted that depression can be VERY sneaky.
From all indications, I myself have, for several years now, (possibly even decades) been in a state of depression.
This has only become readily apparent to me after certain job related issues drove me to seek out help in determining what my current problems are.
While I had helped others in the past find the help that they needed, I myself was simply too close to the problem to realise that I too, was suffering from depression.
So if your friends notice the sort of behavior associated with depression in you, to seek help as soon as possible. There are many good websites out there to help recognize the symptoms, as well as who to contact for help.
That’s not dumb at all. Feeling like you’re letting someone down is pretty much one of the defining traits of depression. I would also strongly suggest the doctor.
I had severe depression in college, but didn’t recognize it for what it was. It’s stupid obvious now, but when I was sitting on the third floor window for hours, the entire time visualizing the jump, fall and impact and when I didn’t have the energy to get between classes in the same building without a nap; I thought I was bored with my major. I thought if I just could find something that interested me (or, for honesty’s sake, if I could find someone who loved me so I could focus my attention on them) then everything would just get better. I knew the issue had to be me, but couldn’t figure out how. Going four years with untreated depression was truly terrible, and it cost my ability to perform and caused me to make some poor decisions that have snowballed into bigger consequences since (I changed my major to a useless one that, surprise, I enjoyed even less than my original major), and has left me with few lasting relationships from that time period.
It sucks to go to the doctor, it’s scary to go through the process of finding the right medicine, and it takes far too much time to feel like it’s making a difference anyways. But really, not doing so then has been a major regret since. The decision to do so is personal and only you have any right to make a decision on the matter, but that’s my experience.
Captain Cloudworth, antidepressants aren’t terribly expensive anymore thanks to widespread use and they WILL help you cope. And it is like turning on a light switch: things that used to crush you become… just things again. You regain perspective and balance. I won’t lie, it takes time to work and therapy helps a lot on top of it, but please see a doctor who can diagnose you. Your dad cares more about YOU than a medical bill.
Captain Cloudwolf, in addition to what other people said, as a mental health professional, I can also say that most psychiatry offices have access to resources that can help you if you don’t have the money to afford your medication. Things from agencies that will help you cover the costs to programs that will help connect you with insurance, and even discount cards for medication. If you let people know that you are struggling (in any way) you might be surprised to find out all the help that people are willing to offer you both emotionally and tangibly. But people can’t help unless they know that you need/want it. So asking is the first step.
I’m a dad. I know a lot of other dads. Ask for the help. That’s what your dad would want. If he knew you were struggling over whether to ask, he would beg you to ask him. You’ll both be better off. I wish you peace and happiness.
I wish my son would ask for help more. He let his student loans go into default rather than ask for help. He lives with us but won’t ask for help from us or his brothers, even though we have contacts that might help him get back in the workforce. He won’t go to the VA for assistance he has certainly earned. He won’t see a doctor, since he doesn’t want to need help.
Being willing to ask for help is a gift to those who are just waiting to know how to help.
Just want to add that antidepressants are so cheap they’re on the Walmart $4 prescription plan.
The most expensive part is the actual therapy, but, since you are on campus, you tend to get that for free. So the only thing to be concerned about is the doctor’s visit itself.
But, if you’re hurting for money, you don’t have to keep going to the fancy psychologist the entire time. They can get you on, get you started, and then turn you over to a basic PCP.
That’s what I’m doing.
^ This. I saw the counselors on campus for free while I was a student, but it was my primary doc who figured out a treatment plan for me in more detail and got me my prescription. Now I go back to him every six months for a med check and to see how I’m doing. 🙂
You are also not alone, not by a long shot.
I can’t fix me, but I can support you, and encourage you: tell him.
You being sick (and depression is an illness) is no more “letting him down” than catching a cold, or malaria, or leukemia. It is a thing that can be treated, but not simply wished away, and it is not your fault.
If you want, you can spend that energy making an appointment with the campus mental health services place first — that way, you can tell him “I have depression too but here’s a really solid thing I did already to begin addressing it, so that it won’t be like my brother’s, my first appointment is on Friday”. That’s a much different conversation, it’s not just “by the way I have the scary thing”, it’s “and I did a thing to take care of it”.
That was to Captain_Cloudwolf, and PS. You aren’t letting anyone down. Depression runs in families, you didn’t do anything to get it. Depression is not the same from sibling to sibling, though, so your experience with depression needn’t be like your brother’s. Love to you from the internet.
–oh derp you already said you are using campus services by yourself, in the face of stay-in-bed-level depression. That is super rad of you. Feel free to emphasize that you’ve been that proactive, as it is legit impressive.
The drugs help me a lot. I think I might be approaching climbing out of this slough soon. Ish.
But seriously, I’m feeling better than I have for a while. Get your spare spoons together, get to your health care provider, and talk it over with them. I think you’ll find it’s a thing worth doing. Courage, mon/ma brave! I’m sending you my spare vibes over the ether.
That’s what sent me to seek out help. I was spending days in bed during college, not just during classes I didn’t care about, but during classes I actually *enjoyed.* And then I’d feel terrible about ducking out, because I felt like I was letting my prof down and insulting his teaching (which I wasn’t, and TBH, he’d seen enough skippers to not take it personally), but then I’d start avoiding class more. 🙁 I was getting a D in that class when I finally went to the campus counseling office, just for having not turned in any work, because I wasn’t in class to turn it in. 🙁
That was the hardest part for me – staying in bed all day, feeling worthless about staying in bed all day, telling myself if I just got up and went to class everything would straighten out, and then staying in bed all day anyway. 🙁 Once my counselor helped me get past that cycle, I was able to start taking more proactive steps to manage my depression.
Thank you to everyone, it’s nice to hear from you all. I’ll try and look into antidepressants, since I’m in college I should be able to find something that will make it cheaper. I’m also trying to work up the courage to talk to my Dad. I know I need to, but courage isn’t something I have a lot of to spare right now when it’s scary to interact with people who I don’t know. I had really bad social anxiety in high school, and right when I was getting over that, depression and lack of self confidence brought it back and made it worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to talk to him soon. Thanks to everyone.
Oh, and Betty Anne? I’m kinda in that cycle now. My worst days are when I miss the classes I like.
Another cheap thing is books – here’s the two I started with:
http://www.amazon.ca/The-Mindful-Way-through-Depression/dp/1593851286
http://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
hmmmmmm…..I don’t like it. The death glare was genuine,
That smile IS genuine, in the “Maybe everything isn’t hopeless bullshit” kind of way.
Did she see a really funny piece of shriveled up corn?
It was probably the pile of femurs in the corner that did it.
It’s “the glass is only half full of cyanide”.
No, this is the “everything is hopeless bullshit, so might as well cheer up” smile.
Awww, but what will we call the Murder Cave now?
Also, we’ll still be seeing plenty of Ruth, right? It would be interesting to see her get back on her feet and broaden her horizons. Besides, she’s probably my favorite character (or heavily in the running).
Light Maiming Cave
Fluffy happy fun cave?
After Quark hacked all the terminals on Deep Space 9 to play ads for his bar – “Come to Quark’s, Quark’s is fun!” – Major Kira warned him that if they were not gone by the time she got back, “I will come to Quark’s. And I will have fun.”
I miss Major Kira!
As I’ve recommended before, check out MarkWatches, where you can read a guy who is experiencing DS9 (and all the rest of Star Trek) for the first time. You can even download videos to watch along with.
It kinda feels like you’re watching them fresh again.
(Note, I am not in any way associated with MarkDoesStuff. This is just like a webcomic recommendation.)
Honestly, fluffy happy fun cave sounds like what Joyce would call it if she became RA. The wing would still dread it as much as the murder cave.
Sydney Yus’s room?
I’m expecting her to show up as the new RA too!
Candle Cove?
Turns out Ruth never existed at all, but was Billie all along, who imagined her as a physical expression of her own inner violence and alcoholism.
Billie is Fight Club?
When the Lights go down in the city
And the sun shines on the bay…
Oh, Ruth. This is progress!
It’s not the long-term effects of the meds, though.
I wonder how much of it is the brief intervention she’s had, how much is the momentary high of a changing life course, and how much of it is just having had a few days away.
And how much of it is how deeply annoying it was to be in charge of Joyce, Mary, and Carla at the same time.
A whole new Ruth,
A new fantastic point of view…
Heeere’s Ruuuth!
I like emoting Ruth.
you should fear that it is ruth wearing a mask she thinks people want her too. I wore lots of masks for a while after i got out of that type of place
Maybe.. But “fake it til you make it” is a thing. If she wears a mask projecting a bit of positivity, people will respond to that mask by being friendly and kind, which will in turn help Ruth to raise her mood. Also, the act of smiling releases chemicals in the brain that also raise mood. In this way, the mask can start to slowly become the real Ruth.
Not that she wouldn’t have to take the mask off at some point to process what is really going on, but that’s what group or her counselor are for. As long as she is processing things, that mask is not necessarily a bad thing. I just wanted to stress that since my previous statement didn’t make that clear.
I hope Billie’s expressions indicate simple caution rather than walking on eggshells. Walking on eggshells sucks, and isn’t good for anyone involved.
I have to say, it’s probably a bit of both? Ruth can be unpredictable and fall under persistenly-occurring mood changes, so it’s always good to act cautious around her, especially as she’s acting so unnaturally calm right now. At the same time, Billie knows that she can’t be around Ruth all the time anymore, and that unnerves her, as she’s worried she won’t be able to say a fitting goodbye (as Joyce is pushing her to do), and that Ruth might spiral into depression and alcoholism without her around. Hopefully, Ruth will be fine, as long as there aren’t any trucks.
Personally, I think this is more Billie worrying that “what if this isn’t the Ruth I fell in love with anymore”. The thought scares her, but she doesn’t want to speak badly of what she acknowledges might somehow be a good thing for Ruth.
I think it’s even more than that. Billie is still convinced that she’s poison and will destroy anyone who isn’t “broken” and “unhealthy”. So if Ruth is getting healthier and better…
In her mind, she’s terrified that she’s going to destroy Ruth’s recovery or that a healthy Ruth will realize she’s as “poisonous” as Alice considered her.
Billie’s also thinking that the relationship is ending when Ruth moves, and Ruth’s not really saying anything about that one way or another.
Maybe there’s a similarity between Billie and Ruth and Amber and Amazi-Girl. A&A’s situation is more complicated because they’re sharing some headmeats, but in both situations, someone feels they might not be good enough for the other.
And, I suppose, Billie thinks if Ruth gets well, she doesn’t need her anymore. And then, where she will be? Being needed keeps a focus and provides meaning.
Definitely. To add even another layer, she’s scared to tell Ruth, she’s just bottling all that stress, because she doesn’t want to harm Ruth’s recovery.
Mary gets death glare AND smile. Because she’s special.
Gonna take me a while to get used to the new Ruth. I like that she’s improving, but I got used to that death glare. Nihilism with a smile sounds nice, though.
Huh. I only started turning on the lights when I realized that it would make my eyes hurt less.
I really feel for Ruth right now. It took about three months for my mood stabilizer to really kick in and start working and that was a lonnnnnnng three months. “Am I better? Why aren’t I better? Is this working? When will this work? Why isn’t this working yet? Am I just broken?”
That new psych med struggle is real. My depression leaves me unable to feel anything, and when I first started on my current anti-depressant, my emotions came back one at a time. And the first was rage. I was always angry for the first month because there was nothing to temper my fury. But it was so good to feel SOMETHING that I reveled in it. I was that person on xBox Live threatening to rip people’s organs out through their urethras for spawn camping, and I meant it.
So long as I’m venting in a video game, those are actually moments that I’m glad I have. 1) I’m emoting, which is something I’ve been bad at for a long time and I’ve been practising, and 2) It’s good to vent blind rage in a (mostly) harmless space. I calm down a lot afterwards and that helps me make rational decisions when it’s important.
Strongly Agree.
Sometimes it’s hard not to be jealous of Ruth’s immediate positive reaction to her first meds. It can happen, but it’s lucky!
(I mean, lucky for a person who has severe depression. It’s kind of a low bar.)
Getting the meds right on the first go is a lucky break for any level of depression. I’m one of those lucky ones who had that happen, not only with the type of med, but also with the dosage. Yeah, my depression is considered moderate, but still. It got to the point where I considered suicide, but the fact that my best friend threatened to do awful things to my grave if I succeeded…
Once the antidepressant had built up in my system, that aspect of my mental health stabilized. I have to be really aware of my feelings and mood, because it could come back, because depression works in cycles, but I am getting better at speaking up if something is not right.
My only regret is that I didn’t realize what was going on years ago, when it was just mild depression.
I’m really glad you’re in a better place.
When I started welbutrin SR the first time it was like flicking on a light switch, proverbially. Like that is literally the way I’ve been describing it for almost 20 years. It was like I’d been living in a dark small room and suddenly I realized there was a light switch and I could turn it on and see nice furniture and windows and stuff. It was life changing.
It also triggered mania episodes, which I didn’t realize at the time. I just got super antsy, argumentative, and productive.
Lamotrigine has taken a LOT longer to kick in but wow does it make a difference.
How many mental resources does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, but they’ll need a stepladder and chocolate chip cookies.
where is the lightbulb located, is it burned out or broken in the socket. what type of lightbulb
If you need a new on from the store, you need weeks at best and you start to consider if you really need lights in the toilet. (It’s funny because I bought two lightbulbs yesterday, eventually, because of the toilet, but I’ve been needing the other one since I first moved in in August)
Deadpan Death Glare is the name of my dixieland band.
My OTP better not break or I will be so. MAD.
I’m scared Billie is gonna decide she doesn’t like medicated Ruth. D:
or that medicated Ruth will be too good for her, something she’s not allowed to touch lest she be destroyed.
Wow, seems like the dorm really will get a new RA.
And it will be Carla, and madness and high quality carton slippers will rule!
it’s very relieving to see therapy portrayed as positive instead of having ruth be some sort of supergirl sustained by self-hatred
Ruth is what we call… relatable
I know this girl… like I’ve seen her every day in the mirror…
I’m picturing Ruth showing up behind you in your mirror, but not there when you turn around to look directly, and it sounds like a teaser for a horror movie. The Curse of the Femur Stalker?
That’s not a thumb.
Drugs are great mmmmKay!
*phew* That hits home. I had to take a “medical leave of absence” from college because my (at this point undiagnosed) aspergers, anxiety, depression, and PTSD (I was a messed) caused my grades to suffer and my financial aid to get yanked out. But it gave me six months get my life in order, get help with the depression and anxiety, get a part time job, and take some community college courses to get my GPA up. It’s difficult to look forward in situations like that, so that Ruth is able to look at the possible positives as well as the negatives, and to actually planning ahead is incredibly good.
Well, this is every bit as sad as we knew it’d be :’)
huh i didn’t see sad but everyone has different views.
To me it’s just weird. Therapy? In a fictional universe? That *works*???
I suppose there’s still time for us to learn that the therapist is mind-controlling people or extracting people’s brains or something, bringing things back into the realm of normalcy.
Comic Reactions:
Panel 1: I like how Billie is looking at Ruth the entire time they are entering. It’s really clear how nervous she is about this change, in ways she rarely managed when Ruth was actively suicidal. Which suggests a few things. That she might not fully trust Ruth’s recovery arc, that this is change and change can be scary, or what seems most likely to me, she’s still stuck on that fear that she’s “poison” and so a healthy Ruth might mean a Ruth who can be “destroyed” by her.
… her own therapy session can’t come soon enough…
Panel 2: Both their faces worried and frowning, Billie lending a hand in support. Like they are both facing the monster of where Ruth left this room and in what condition she was when she did.
Panel 3: And with the flick of the wrist, the monster is banished. A turning point is reached.
Panel 4: Oof, yeah. That pit is deep when depression hits. The simplest of tasks become monumental tasks difficult to complete without spending all of your energy. When things got bad, it became too hard to bother eating and there’ve been days when leaving the bed or the room became too hard. And yeah, I know that feeling of staying in the dark, because the journey to the light switch seems too dangerous, like you can’t full trust yourself to stop there and not to find the nearest ledge.
Panel 5: I like that she’s planning realistically for the worst, keeping in mind what she’ll need to get done to avoid falling prey to “sir” again. But I worry that she’s jumping the gun too much and assuming she’s going to be screwed and quickly. Which seems odd as I suspect that Chloe at least would be of the mind to make any transition out as gentle as she is allowed to make it.
Panel 6: Being freed from one set of responsibilities is good. It means resources for another fight. And her recovery is very clear. She’s able to smile, for reasons that aren’t just love. She’s able to joke about her condition and not in a bitter defeated way. She’s even able to analyze her situation in Panel 5.
And I still worry a lot about Billie. It’s clear this idea of a healthier Ruth worries her a lot, makes her worry about her place, what she has to offer, even what their dynamic will become. And I want to just take them aside and tell them that healthiness is a good thing. That they’ll be stronger for not having to put all their energy into fighting the cold hands of depression. That they now have a chance to build something genuinely healthy if they want.
But mostly, I want Billie to talk to Ruth. To share her fears, her concerns, her hopes. Cause I think Ruth wants that conversation too.
SOMEONE GIVE BILLIE ALL THE HUGS, NOW!!!
“Nihilism with a smile.
Eat at Arbys”
Noooooo. Don’ destroy the mood lighting of the murder cave.
It’s a whole NEW murder cave. No, hang on …
stuff that seems easy to most can be hard if your mindset is odd compared to the typical.
I more than once have gone to bed for instance and suddenly thought “wait i haven’t ate anything today…… oh well im tired.”
If the world is empty of meaning and the universe doesn’t care about you, then find a way to spread joy and make the meaningless adventurous trudge through this barren marvel of enthropic beauty enjoyable to people.
You joke, but “nihilism with a smile” is basically my brand
Wow, Ruth! You really martyred yourself for the girls on the floor whenever you could drag yourself out of bed!
She didn’t say she was good at it, she implied that she had worried about it, that she had been spending at least the amount of energy that it takes her to use light switches on occasion. She’s being self-deprecating and has no illusions that she was a good RA.
She never said she was good at it, but it did occupy her thoughts, it did burn up mental energy and we did see that she was capable of doing well sometimes. She did immediately try to crush Mary’s transphobia, she did try to fight Blaine to protect Amber, she did try to offer Amber support, she did try to be nice to people.
She won’t be in charge of protecting people on the floor any more. She might choose to do those things, but they won’t automatically be things that require her to toss her entire spoon drawer at them.
Been there, Ruth! Now it’s time to leap that chasm, float for a moment and find out you’re incapable of emotionally supporting both Billie and yourself and neither is she. c:
I can really relate, there’s this feeling when you have an improvement that took a lot of work, and it’s a big deal, but it wouldn’t look like a big deal at all to people who don’t have depression, so then you feel pathetic and stupid that this is what you’re proud of, that’s it, all that work for friggin lightswitches that normal people flick for free. But, it is a big deal, it’s talking charge of your environment, and you couldn’t do it before… it’s this weird pride-unworthiness cycle.
And by ‘you’ I mean ‘me’.
I really love how much Willis’s style has changed in regards to Ruth. She is so expressive and beautiful now <3
Agreed. And so much more of a character than the poor original, who existed basically just to get fridged on Danny’s behalf.
wait you didn’t take care of ANYONE ruth you liar
The took care of Billie, that troublemaker, being all haughty and junk at the morning meeting.
Well, I wouldn’t exactly go that far. As an RA, she would have various duties that might not be apparent to someone who’s only exposure to the daily life of the college is just through the comics…. arranging floor meetings (which we know she’s done a few times; remember Ethan explaining his Floor meeting was just the RA saying “Trek marathon is on. See you later”), basic policing (remember that she had to deal with Blaine on family weekend).
Not saying that she was a great RA, just that she actually did SOMETHING, as flawed as she is.
Relaying maintenance issues, too. Remember Billie fixed the stuck chute when Ruth wasn’t available? (CheerleaderKick!)
I dated an RA once, I know what the jobs are. She needs to be there for her students emotionally as well. She’s done that like maybe once, and only because she personally identified with Amber’s shit life.
And no, the Carla thing doesn’t count, cuz she pussed out.
I think it varied from place to place. And definitely RA to RA. My memories of my RAs in college are far more minimal. Dealing with practical problems, a check to make sure things didn’t get too far out of hand, etc. Honestly, very little actual contact.
Emotional needs never really came up.
So, like, have you READ the comic, or are you just sort of going off vague feelings?
Like, Ruth did a ton of solid RA-ing. She just also was in a fucked up relationship with Billie. You’re acting like the former never happened because you don’t approve of the latter.
She’s done like three RA things.
I dislike Ruth and she was a really bad RA but this is unfair, she tried to help a number of people and certainly stepped up against Blaine as well
Is it just me or does Billie somehow seem… unhappy with the new Ruth?
Could be that, could be general concern, could be nervousness and fear that Ruth will leave and be hurt when she goes home.
oh ruth i know that feeling <3
I feel this on a personal level. The simplest things can feel overwhelmingly difficult when you’re too depressed to handle anything. For me it’s always getting the mail out of the mailbox. Like, lemme just lie in bed here for a while longer and let my bills fester in the mailbox, this seems real healthy! Not.
I’m proud of you, Ruth!
Speaking as someone who had to learn how to look in the mirror without flinching, this is progress.
Ruth’s joke about her nihilsm gets me.
Cuz for me, nihilsm is a huge depression trigger – mainly because thinking about it too much triggers the same thought patterns in my brain that led to my depression in the first place. I’ve thought for basically since I got my depression into remission that nihilsm is just depression wrapped in the clothing of intellectualism. YMMV, but for me, what nihilsm says as a philosophy is what my brain was saying on depression. If everything is pointless and going to be terrible anyway, what’s the damn point of getting dressed/showering/trying not to self-injure/trying to get better/trying at all?
So, yeah.
For me, the difficulty wasn’t with the act of turning on the lightswitch – more like a self-punishing thing? Like I don’t deserve to take up the electricity to have light. The act itself was never what I was having trouble with – it was justifying that I deserve whatever meagre benefit the act would give me. So if I could convince myself it was for someone else, I could do the thing. For me? Fuck me, I don’t deserve shit. I deserve to lay here in this bed and be miserable and think about all the ways I suck. Or alternatively I’d just be numb and the thought of doing the thing wouldn’t even occur to me because to think about doing things you need to feel something about your current situation and I didn’t.
I had a depressive period after college after passing on grad school, ditching a a horrible seasonal job, and just generally not knowing what to do with my life, and I had gotten to that numb anhedonia place where I just seemed detached from everything, like I was drowning in my own head. Bizarrely it was a nihilist moment that sort of set me free from that. It occurred to me that if nothing mattered, if everything is pointless, then there was actually no way to screw it up.
I remember I’d been sitting outside in the same dark heavy clothing, trying to hide and protect myself I guess, and went inside and took my first shower in days. Things went uphill from there. Still going uphill. I’m still obviously touched by anxiety and my self-esteem is shaky but somehow my whole internal compass realigned after that moment. Like it was suddenly ok to just be myself. All the crushing superegoic weight I felt of needing to sate outside forces finally quieted.
Maybe nihilism is just neutral. I always hated it as a philosophy up until the above point, and now I guess I see it as a strange friend.
“Nihilism with a smile” is actually a pretty valid approach to life.
See also https://xkcd.com/167/
Would also make for a great book title or album name.
Ruth’s first line sums up dealing with depression and executive function.
I think Ruth looks pretty cute when she’s using actual expressions!
… She’s gonna try to work so she doesn’t have to go back?
… I’m now prouder of her than ever. She’s not letting herself go back to an unsafe situation. She’s going to stay here, with the resources she needs to stay healthy, and the people who are the safety net she needs.
I have reread their courtship more than any other arc in this comic. Relatable.
Ok I’m assuming there’ll probably be some sort of relapse (not sure if that’s the correct word) every now and then but if she can keep up this sort of attitude she’ll get to that better place she needs to be
and that’s good
Relapses are very much a thing with depression. As you start to get consistenly less lows, times will come when you have a short or long span of lows.
that’s the spirit ruth! shit still sucks, but the meds kind of sort of help you do things you couldn’t do before!! this strip is… so spot on to the post-out of psychiatric treatment mentality.
Holy shit! I just noticed this, but Willis’ avatar isn’t the cheery double thumbs-up anymore!
Ruth stole his happiness!
I think he changed his picture shortly after the twins were born.
aah, that second panel is so lovely
be careful on this one, Ruth. The smile often makes it worse in my experience
The deadpan nihlistic jokes while smiling with a sarcastic thumbs-up is the sort of thing that I do when I’m feeling a little better – I don’t even have the energy for that in the worst of my depression bits – so it seems that Ruth might be a bit like me and while she’s obviously being sort of sarcastic about “look at this progress I’m making”, she is making some progress.
God that last line sounds so familiar to me….
Randomly off topic here, but is anybody else enjoying When We Rise? It’s a multi part show about the gay liberation moment and some on the women’s movement and AIDS. They even have an interview currently on with the real people behind the movie. It’s a beautiful show. If you haven’t seen it and you are LGBTQ+, know someone who is, or have a pulse, I highly recommend it. These people who were fighting before I was born and still are are the reason we can have any semblance of safety and are free to be who we are without fear of electroshock, lobotomy, or of being treated as less than human even when beaten or murdered. It’s why all the people who are bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual no longer have to resign themselves to playing straight. Yes it’s not perfect. Yes there are still fights ahead. But my god, if you aren’t inspired by these people to stand up for those being oppressed by recent laws and mentalities… then I don’t know what to think or say.
“I can now deliver my nihilism with a smile”
Hey, that’s my line!