Sadly, she was forced too because of the shitty press. 🙁
—
Anyway, while certainly not a compelling protagonist as such, I enjoyed Jupiter Ascending. It was like spot-on 13 year old girl fanfiction given a big budget. Not sure fanf fiction of what exactly. But with space dinosaurs and hulky wolf boys someone was letting their child out.
Right, but that fact wasn’t always public knowledge. And it wasn’t public knowledge when the MRA crowd started using the “red pill” thing, or when the rest of the alt-right (and just general wingnuts, eventually) adopted it, too. I think I’ve seen it used by MRA people, Stefan Molyneux’s weird pseudo-libertarian-turned-creepy-personal-cult people, Alex Jones’ personal minions, 9/11 truthers, and now the alt-right. I mean, granted, there’s a lot of overlap between some of those groups, and the Venn diagram for all of that is probably insanely complicated if not impossible to portray properly, but still. It’s a lot of different people with different agendas but usually the same kind of feel about them.
I may have seen it (the red pill thing) used by anti-vaxxers as well, but I’m not sure. I mean, I’m sure it’s been used *by* anti-vaxxers, but I’m not sure if I’ve seen it used to further the anti-vax cause.
I’m going to guess that the Wachowskis do not approve of the vast majority of people using the “red pill” thing. I don’t have evidence of their opinions of all of the groups I mentioned, but given most of those groups’ opinions of transgendered (transgender? I’ve seen it used both ways to refer to both people and the process, and I can’t for the life of me remember which is which, according to who.) persons, I doubt that there’s a lot of friendliness there.
The Matrix was always about being trans, too (link is to the original author of the blog post that the video was based on, but if you prefer video formats there is another link within it).
Also as has been pointed out, MRAs would never have made it out of the in-movie matrix; they don’t have a good track record for believing anything women or people of color tell them if it runs counter to how they think the world works.
Tatsuya Ishida used The Red Pill for waking to awareness of The Patriarchy in Sinfest. I saw that first and was annoyed by the MRA use of it for awaking to a new, inverted false consciousness by which any diminution/challenge of overwhelming privilege is oppression…. it doesn’t even make sense …. as if it would
I think she trusts both Howard and Billie, but in both cases it’s a very limited and conditional trust, like “I trust you with this and this and this, and anticipate that you will behave in a certain manner in certain circumstances” than unconditional trust. Less a matter of putting faith in people than being pretty sure they can be counted on to act in a certain way. I might just be projecting, but I don’t see Ruth trusting her brother with responsibility or trusting Billie unconditionally after the lies and betrayals she felt.
Eh, like a lot of songs, this one plays better if you don’t actually examine the lyrics.
(There was a Minneapolis musician who clearly didn’t like the lyrics, and *would* closely examine them as he played the song — “Of course there’s water at the bottom of the ocean! Where the hell else?”)
when dread darkness and hopelessness is all you know. having no emotions is the norm or only bad ones. then when you start to see any hint of light or happiness it seems scary and you want to go back to the darkness and horror that you know.
This is exactly how I felt when my depression started getting better. A light sort of flipped on, but it took a while before I was willing to accept its glowing warmth. Having a daughter helped since it gave me a perspective that I have to put up or shut up about my problems.
I was fortunate enough to self-correct without medication. A lot of…very motivating, and very positive stress fell in my lap basically simultaneously (new job, college, and a baby) So functionally, I ground away my depression with sheer work. Everything changed so fast that it system shocked me into being normal again. It was one of the strangest, and honestly best things that has ever happened to me.
I do have lingering side-effects from it though. I still suffer from a milder form of the aphasia it struck me with, and my short term memory still isn’t up to full speed, but it’s all coming back a little at a time.
“Authorities confirm that it was, indeed, a sentient pudding cup that convinced the remaining Florida electors to cast their ballots for Clinton, and Parliament to elect to overturn the Article 50 decision…”
Nah, but being at your absolute worst ever, and everyone finding out despite all your previous efforts to hide it, and not having to make any big decisions for the moment, and finally talking about things. That helps.
When all the bad things have happened and you’ve hit rock bottom, it also means you’ve also stopped falling deeper, which is a nice change for once. A lot of stress and tension goes away at that point because there’s no way things can get worse, they aren’t getting better yet, but not having to wait for another shoe to drop means you can at least enjoy things like pudding again.
And no longer trying to keep your depression a secret, and finally talking about it and getting some things out works wonders.
And it feels nice at first, but then feels almost blinding because you’re not use to the light and the warmth. For a moment you consider hiding in the dark again because it’s what you know maybe banging on the door to see if it still exists. It’s scary. But then you find the strength to embrace the sliver of light and eventually the warm light becomes the norm and the cold dark room scares you.
Depends on the meds and your luck. When I finally got put on the *right* meds, it was still awful for about three weeks. I was dizzy all the time, and I couldn’t focus. But then, it cleared up and all of a sudden I had emotional energy to do something other than try not to get totally taken in by my depression.
I can definitely relate to Ruth in that last panel.
Too many good things happening in a row, or just going for too long feeling good used to make me super paranoid about when the other shoe was going to drop.
I love how expressive Ruth’s faces are in these panels. They’re more . . . Alive than they have ever been. her eyes feel like they have more color, they look purer, it almost feels like I’m looking into Joyce’s big blue eyes in the fourth panel.
A nice contrast to how dead and empty her face was, last time . . . s we saw her.
You’re assuming that Willis had a good grasp on that when he wrote this. Honestly, he’s been shaky on more than one occasion about what laws will allow.
I think it’s the magic of having her deep dark down-and-dirty down-low feelings externally validated, by people paying them the attention they deserve and taking her seriously.
I’m having trouble getting used to Ruth’s eyes. I got used to her really bad depression tiny eyes, and I forgot what she looked like with bigger size eyes with irises and such.
This is exactly how I felt when I started on antidepressants. You get so use to being sad and depressed that when it’s lifted a little, everything feels… off somehow. Sometimes to the point of waiting to quit using them a few days in because it feels so wrong. When I started, I was enjoying it until day 3 and I nearly quit because it was all wrong (so yes she could really be starting to feel some of the effects that quickly depending on the med, but it takes time for it to fully get in your system). I have the feeling that these comics are going to be hitting home a lot for a while and for that, I am grateful. Most media never shows true depression and all its layers. This one does.
Please do not fixate on that idea. Feeling stabbity is valid. Planning stabbity is Not good ideation, and stabbiting is illegal and immoral,(In almost all cases – with few exceptions).
This was me right after starting anti-depressants. I didn’t, couldn’t trust that it wouldn’t come crashing back down on me like a building collapsing. But so far it hasn’t (crossing fingers for luck).
Please, Not good. Have you not heard that if someone slaps you on the back while you’re doing that, it could get stuck like that? Just cross the fingers and toes, but it has to be an odd number. Even number crossings cancel out.
Those… might actually be the ugliest people I have ever seen. And I don’t mean some philosophical “they’re ugly because they’re bad people” crap, either. They’re just kind of nauseating to look at.
I mean, it might be because of the shirts, but I don’t think so…
Looks more like a Toemom to me, though that’s probably just her facial expression at the moment. She looks more like a toe than he does, I think. But yeah, his build is similar to Toedad.
I have to hope that neither of them are actually as repugnant as Toedad, if only because that’s a depressingly low bar. I have serious issues with the Trump crowd, but I hold the expectation that the vast majority of them would not kidnap and attempt to murder their own children.
i remember the first time i went on antidepresants. i was depressed so long, for most of my life, that it felt so weird to not be in pain. very confused, and sometimes sort of intense in unusual way. really glad afterwards that i got treatment.
I am super jealous of everyone who reacted to their meds very quickly. Mine took months.
I mean the meds I am now on work really well for me, and it was totally, totally worth it, but damn, a day? a week? Jealous.
(And a friend of mine has medication-resistant depression, so that we are talking years. However, she FINALLY FOUND ONE that works, and it’s super great you guys, she doesn’t wanna die, landed a highly competitive job, and she’s doin’ it. I am so proud of my pal today. ^^)
The problem with reacting quickly to them is they hit like a ton of bricks. It hit me too hard and fast for me to adjust to a new norm which can make people like me want to stop taking them. The side effects can hit fast and hard too or take months once it’s in my system. Then I have withdrawals really bad even when they put me right on another med. I wish neither of us had to go through the difficult period though and we could just skip to the part where feeling normal felt normal without the headache in between.
I went through so many different ones over the years. I had bad reactions to two or three shortly after starting them that I had to get off quickly. I had reactions to one of them months later. One had to be stopped after I was on it a while because it was fairly new at the time and they found a nasty long term effect (I was poor but could get free ones if they were new). One nearly killed me (stopped depression but made me suicidal). A few did nothing at all. I was on one for two or three years and it did just enough to not be useless and was pregnancy safe (if I ever decided to try), but it made me tired all the time and destroyed my sex drive. Now I’m on one I love that works great with no side effects. It was definitely worth it.
(I intentionally omitted drug names as everybody is different and one that I had a bad experience with might be perfect for someone else or visa versa)
Well, they seemed to work remarkably quickly for me, but it was also pretty mild. Just a tiny change that was also pretty awesome, like something that has been hurting for a long time not hurting as much. (I was pretty afraid of taking them as I had friends that had had terrible luck with side effects, but I was lucky first go.)
But while they made it possible for me to be somewhat more functional and less dissociative I’m pretty jealous of anyone who felt the “ray of light” feeling because… I am unlikely to ever have that feeling.
This is probably a function of having chronic depression starting at a young age vs later onset or something situational. Accepting that this is how my brain works and working from that platform is the healthiest thing for me, but I certainly am jealous of people who are capable of ever truly recovering when I let myself think about it. :/
for me, the “ray of light” feeling came from adhd medication. it was about 90% temporary… but wow, it was amazing being able to simply *choose* things.
as for antidepressants… the first one was about a month of awful side-effects, then… well, I wasn’t getting suicidal thoughts any more, but I remember it being really weird, and the side-effects were still pretty inconvenient. the day I felt best was when I had the prescription in my hand.
so, I tapered off, and a few years later I was depressed again. CBT, mindfulness and meditation got me out of that bout, fuck was it ever hard work, but I sort of… made peace with the depression there, and since then it hasn’t come back for more than a few days at a time (not counting a few medication-side-effects issues).
now I’m on a migraine med that happens to also be an antidepressant, and I doubt I’d put up with the side effects if the alternative wasn’t 24/7 pain, but it did seem to make my brain more… amenable to change. it feels like the cognitive stuff goes a lot faster these days, and I don’t know how much of that is the migraine/antidepressant vs the stimulant vs passing some meditation threshold, but it’s good. 🙂
I’ve tried many different ones too and now I’m on one that works great for me that makes me feel just normal. Sometimes it just takes time. How long did you try them if you don’t mind me asking? Did they start you on the lowest dose? Did you try a mild med made to take as needed rather than everyday? There are a variety of those and sometimes they are all you need. I have both a maintenance med (which is amazing and does most of the heavy lifting) and one of the lower dose mild as needed kind (for when my anxiety or depression act up).
Like I said, don’t be too quick to dismiss it as fake. You aren’t used to it. The feelings feel wrong.
That’s a huge part of the CBT component–the fact that you are so used to the bad feelings/thoughts that they feel normal, and the new feelings/thoughts feel fake. You gotta keep going.
Plus, well, if it was the initial effect, it probably was fake and would go away.
I hate this story. 1 day of any kind of counseling can’t do anywhere close to this. fuck a month cant change perspective that much. after years of fucking counseling i still everyday have to force myself to get out of the fucking bed just live.
It’s very personal. It doesn’t actually mean you’re fixed, but if you have a chronic issue and are in acute crisis and have never ever reached out for help the effect can be more dramatic.
Generally that’s going to settle down from the brief high by feeling overwhelmed again, but this certainly can happen for people.
I’m sorry you’re in a bad place – I have never had great success from any type of therapy myself, and there are a bunch of reasons it can be hard for it to work. Wrong therapist, wrong approach, your current mental health and support systems. If it doesn’t feel like it’s working at all it’s probably worth considering a chance of some sort if possible – I know often changes aren’t that accessible. 🙁
So before I say anything, I want to say that I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this, and that this storyline is hurting you. Like you it took a very long time for me to be able to start functioning and recently I’ve been backsliding into a lot of my scarier habits, and it’s been a huge struggle for me.
For what it’s worth, while in-comic Ruth has been there for like a day now, we’ve also been following this since August. If the comic tried to be totally 100% realistic with its timeframe it would be years and years before we saw Ruth make any real progress.
So it’s not a matter of “Ruth is magically cured after a day because therapy is an instant panacea”, but that, because DoA takes place in a black hole, she’s making progress in a quicker time frame.
One, I would suggest reading the entire comment field for the last two days. The short version is that people are different, and medications work differently for practically everyone, and we don’t even know what medication Ruth got, or in what doses. There are in fact several people saying that they got a near instant “jump” from starting their medication/therapy…
Two: …But that doesn’t mean it’s all sunshine and rainbows now. Ruth herself is admitting that it’s not fixed. Not yet. In fact, she’s already getting anxious about these new feelings. Things are likely to get worse again before it gets anywhere near long-term better.
Lastly: Life has treated you badly, and while I’m certain my words probably sounds nothing but hollow bullshit (and I won’t blame you for that), I really wish that things were much better for you. Feel free to internet slap me if you think I sound too dismissive.
I actually had to go back and check to make sure that Ruth’s eyes weren’t bigger now than in her appearances before her eyes became dots. They aren’t, but they are brighter.
Hope is indeed scary. Nice, good, better than depression, but scary.
I always feel wary of these kinds of drugs.
Because it’s something that can shift your focus.
Ruth felt like all of her issues were building up inside her and nearly killing her, and now they’re present but not as focused.
She still remembers them having so much force, but now they don’t.
If you felt in danger and were terrified and the next day it didn’t bother you, it’d feel weird.
My first drug regime ended when I started to get muscle spasms. My second one I’ve been on for a couple of years.
The drugs make it manageable, but it never truly goes away, most days I can push it to the back of my mind. My father’s death prompted a couple of episodes, my partner helped me through those.
Just want to say I love how true Ruth’s entire arc has been in portraying depression. Universal? Can’t say. But it speaks to me. I have dealt with depression chronically for maybe fifteen years. Sometimes it can take weeks or months to get over an episode. Sometimes all you need is distance from a problem, or for an impending disaster to just arrive already, and you can be better almost overnight. And that weight of expectations tho, your own or others’; it can downright drown you. Damn you, Willis. Good job.
This scene really speaks to me – when I had depression, I had this deep, abiding fear that people would find out (because my parents, both of them, were deeply and loudly biased against people with mental illness and would go on loud and frequent rants about how people with mental illness were [insert your negative stereotype here]). That terror that people would know was one of the last emotions I was still able to feel – and it was what kept me functional enough that nobody figured it out for years.
When someone finally found out and the world didn’t end it was this euphoria for a few days – exactly like Ruth’s describing. Everything awful is still awful, but “the worst” happened and it doesn’t seem to have ruined everything? It was like a weight lifted. Metaphorically speaking: It was like I was in a hurricane, and suddenly the rain and wind stopped. Still cloudy, but lighter, and it seemed like the storm might be breaking.
… ‘course, about a week ish later, mental illness meant my brain realized that the worst happened and it didn’t kill me didn’t mean I was better and it all kind of came crashing down back to numb-land for a bit. The “calm” wasn’t the storm passing – I’d just hit the eye.
And then when I started recovering, I got emotions back kind of in stages? Like sad first so I’d cry a lot which sucked because reasons*. Then boredom – so I’d be sad and crying for hours but I’d also be bored of crying but I couldn’t stop crying and yeah that was a time. And then anger came back for a few weeks and I hated everything and everyone in the world but especially myself, then it went away again and was replaced by anxiety so I had this sense of unspeakable dread constantly for a while, and then anger came back again but not as intensely (so instead of hating everything and everyone, I was just pissed off at them for existing. Still hated myself because depression), and then after that was frustration (nearly dropped out of therapy because “I thought this shit was supposed to make me better why am I still so fucking miserable?!”), and then I had this stage where I felt all of the negative emotions at once (this was actually the most dangerous stage for me because I had enough energy to act on my self-destructive impulses and I was feeling stuff rather than numb to it again), and only after that did I start to feel some of the positive things again, and for a while I’d swing back and forth between giddiness and misery in a way that was baffling and kind of scary (especially since before the depression I was always kind of a level-headed and not-super-emotional kid – so like going from laughing to crying in the same sentence for no apparent was like “What the ever-loving fuck is happening to me?!”) and then things slowly levelled out (ever seen a plot of a sine wave superimposed on exponential decay? That was kind of my emotional recovery process in that stage – and like the switch between ‘up’ and ‘down’ was sometimes literally between words in a sentence. It was fucking bizarre – especially since at times my body would be emoting these things and like rational-me was also there separate from my body’s cry-fest going, “Why am I crying? There is no reason to be crying. I don’t even feel sad, I’m just crying? What the fuck, brain? Body, stop crying please!”).
And it really fucking sucked – not just because it was baffling and scary (since sometimes my body would be emoting things I wasn’t feeling, or I’d be feeling things I couldn’t emote), but also because see above about parents being super ableist about mental illness: I had a fuckload of internalized ableism, and allll the self-hatred and self-disgust for being “crazy” during that time. After shit levelled out, finally, I had to deal with years of fear that it was fake (because remember the crash back down after first getting help? Yeah – I, rather justifiably, feared that recovery was fake), plus there was the fact that I was one of those depressed people who rationalize depression with nihilism so I was in the habit of not trusting anything positive and thinking nothing mattered anyway so why bother? And I know it’s not the case for everyone but for me in particular that thought process is really integral to how my mental illness worked and learning not to think like that was key to recovery sticking. Fun fact: I can’t study philosophy because sooner or later you need to talk about nihilism and nihilism is a legit depression trigger for me. Mental illness triggers are weird sometimes – this is why I don’t ever question other people’s mental illness triggers. I’m literally triggered by fucking philosophy classes and assigned readings.
*Parents with bias against mental illness who’d get pissed at me for crying for “no reason” and yell at me for being over-sensitive plus internalized toxic masculinity plus trans and not figured it out yet interacting with toxic mascuilinity
*hugs* I’m glad you made it through. Even if sometimes you slip back down a bit, you find the strength to claw your way back up. It will take a long time, but eventually some of the triggers will lose their power. There are so many things to relearn. So many new neural pathways to form like a twisted version of minecraft (or like starting out with nothing in the nether with an unlit hidden portal somewhere in the vast world). I hope on bad days you can look back to see how far you have come.
Thanks. Most of them are gone now (Ihave been more-or-less in depression remission for nearly a decade now). But the nihilism one has stuck around. It is pretty easy to avoid, so.
Minecraft! I was gonna make a wise-ass remark here, but it turns out (google is my friend) Minecraft has been used in therapy. You’re building things, and every day you’re a little better equipped to take on new challenges. So, yay!
Being someone who has dealt with depression most of her life I know a lot of the game of Minecraft carries over to a good depression recovery metaphor. You start out bare with monsters around every corner and have to figure out how to make it through especially at your darkest moments. Even if someone who is a professional helps you out and explains it all to you and works with you, you will still fail many times. You will get upset. You will get angry. You will make many mistakes. You will have moments that you want to give up. But you keep going. You use your tools to coop with the world and dig deeper. You build yourself up. You light the dark corners to keep the monsters at bay. You explore. With work and patience, you become able to face the monsters that once brought you to your knees. What was once hard becomes easier each day. You still make mistakes and you still fail sometimes, but it no longer feels like a reason to quit for good anymore; it’s an annoying and frustrating setback.
Sympathy via SO MUCH light physical contact, friend. (And yeah, I feel you – I’ve been banned from taking philosophy classes because existentialism really gets to me.)
I was on antidepressants once. Back in the day. At the end, a scary amount of Prozac. People who have known me since before that time, and were still around afterwards, all tell me the same things: You weren’t yourself anymore. You were barely human anymore. You were like a zombie or an automaton. We were scared for you. All true. I even reached a point where, somehow, in the cognitive shift of the stuff, I had even, somehow, come to the conclusion that sex and sexual urges were the result of some viral infection that Humans were afflicted with many many aeons ago, and that we were better off without those urges. Weird and scary, right?
When I finally went off the stuff, it was in late 2007, when the recession cost me my job of 7 years, and I lost my medical coverage. Had to go off the stuff all at once. I’m told that it was amazing that I didn’t try to kill myself, crashing off it that way, especially considering how much of it I was taking. Ever since then, if I think about it for a moment, I realize that I don’t perceive the world the same way anymore; it’s like everything I see and perceive is shifted a fraction of an inch to the left of something. It’s the same world, but oddly different..
..but I digress from my point in posting a comment.
I’m rather anti-antidepressant. I think it’s an expedient pushed on us by the pharma-industrial complex, because it’s cheaper and simpler than traditional ways to deal with depression, not because it’s better. Really, I believe they’re playing Russian Roulette with our neurochemistry. Personally, I’ll never touch the stuff ever again.
I believe that cognitive therapy is the way to do things; learning to identify what’s going on inside your head, and deal with the actual problem(s), rather than chemically hack your brain to ignore them. Do antidepressants have their place? I’ll concede that point — but they should only be used as a short-term fix, so that a proper therapist can get you on the cognitive therapy road, so that in the long run you can deal with your own problems, without having to take a pill that does Universe-knows-what to your brain chemistry in the long-term.
Anyway.. that’s just my opinion. History has taught me that there’ll be a million comments condemning me now, professing how antidepressants ‘saved’ them, and how totally wrong I am. You’re entitled to your opinion, but to this day, if I start getting depressed again — and this year in particular, we’ve all got lots of things to be depressed about — I deal with it myself, without chemical help, and consider myself the better for it. oh, and before any of you accuse me of never having had a problem in the first place? I was chronically depressed and intermittently suicidal, not just ‘a little down’ or somesuch; not Amateur Night shit.
One of the possible side effects is depression… It’s one of the reasons to be very careful taking them. However, they can help some people, so one should also be careful of *not* taking them.
You’ve presented your opinion honestly, without dismissing other people’s experiences that were different from yours.
You were doing fine until the slight tone of “I’m better than people who need full-time medication” in your last paragraph.
Are solutions which don’t involve long-term use of medication preferable? Absolutely. Is that always an option? No, it isn’t. We can be careful about over-medicating and prioritize giving people the tools to avoid or minimize the need for them, without stigmatizing the people who do need those medications.
Needing psychiatric medications for depression (or anything else) doesn’t mean a person is weak. It doesn’t show strength of character to outright refusing to use them. It’s being stubborn and ignoring a tool that can (and does) save and improve lives.
You can dislike them all you want. It certainly doesn’t sound like the ones you were taking were working for you. But please don’t judge or shame others for needing them.
Agreed. I’ve had good and bad experiences with pretty much every type of medication I’ve been on over the years (apart from the ADD/ADHD ‘okay one zombified you and stunted your growth for years and the other never seemed to really actually work’ ones, but then I’m the one who thinks I might have ADHD comorbid and I’m still not 100% sure), and even the better ones have tended to have one side effect or another. Medication hasn’t been the right solution for some members of my family, and I’m glad they’re fine. But I’m pretty sure I’m one of the family members for whom it is absolutely necessary because my baseline without medication is so far below normal healthy levels, and that just is what it is to me. I suspect it’s in part because I’m already going to be taking at least one drug for the rest of my life for manageable but chronic health conditions (hypothyroidism), and there’s two key vitamins I don’t metabolize correctly requiring supplements, so needing one for my neurochemistry doesn’t seem like a huge difference from the endocrine ones. We’ve tried significant therapy, and it’s a huge help but it can’t fix the broken mental pipes on its own. It helps me deal with the fact that they’ll always be leaky and temperamental and kind of weird, but if there’s no water coming out of them then none of the workarounds given are actually going to work.
There are a lot of causes for depression – chemical imbalance in your brain chemistry is one of them and medication to fix it IS addressing the cause.
Psychiatric medicine didn’t work for you – that’s fine and wanting to address it in the future via cognitive therapy is fine. But insisting others shouldn’t use them without knowing whether they’ll work or what their problem is is not just ignorant, it’s also down right dangerous. Cognitive therapy can work, but it doesn’t work for everyone and in cases where the primary cause is a chemical issue, it CAN’T work for everyone.
Also let’s be clear: Prozac didn’t work for them. They were on exactly one medication, and they are using an experience where frankly they should have talked to their doctor and asked for an adjustment anyway because “like a zombie” is never the goal, to condemn all medications forever.
Bonus: that tangent in the middle, which likens people who have never had a sex drive to aliens.
I was on antidepressants as a teenager and they almost killed me. Turned out what I had was not depression, but bipolar. I made it without meds for about five years. No meds are better than the wrong meds. And I was ok, but then things started getting difficult again. So, I was willing to give meds – hopefully the right ones – one more try. And they saved my life.
Do I like that I take six different medications every day to keep myself stable (and seven if I’m in danger of going off the rails)? No. But for me, in combination with therapy, they are what allow me to enjoy successful relationships and a successful career and more than a measure of happiness.
Wow. Didn’t expect that I’d post a TL;DR but, that last panel…yeah, here goes:
First, a little background on me: I’m a 29 y/o woman bout to graduate with dual Bachelor’s degrees in Graphic Design and Multimedia Studies. I’m Haitian from both my parents but was born and raised in the US. I’m hetero but support love for all, from all and I’m a firm believer of “To Each Their Own” Now then, that having been said…
I’ve suffered through a metric ass-ton of shit at a very young age (i.e. physical, mental, psychological, 2nd-hand abuse, bullying, etc.) and from that age, I’ve unfortunately been taught to absorb it and keep it in. Whenever I did open up, even positively, I’ve been badly hurt by those whom I believed should love me unconditionally and would do so with surprisingly cruel intent. Although I was the baby and the so-called “favorite” I saw every horrible thing unfold before me and, because of my “baby” status, was never allowed to talk about it to anyone. In Haitian culture, it’s counter-intuitive to discuss things about family outside of the family, but when said family is toxically self-destructing on itself and have repeatedly denied your feelings on the matter because, since it doesn’t affect you directly it shouldn’t affect you at all, it gets…confusing, to say the least. Couple that with being the family’s bright spot/lighting rod and you’ve got a person who’s got low self esteem, whose self loathing becomes internally destructive and finds it damn near impossible to believe compliments because of a paranoia complex instilled since age 5. I used to always be told that if anyone liked how I looked or what I was wearing they were lying so that they could make fun of me behind my back. This was usually on the bias from the person telling me this.
Seeing Ruth coming to terms with her own self destructive ways and, after getting help, finding some sort of clarity, only to immediately doubt the positives speaks volumes to me. I know exactly what that’s like. It’s not to say that I’ve never known positivity in my life (after all, I’m still here) but when you’re both pent up and shut down for nearly over 18 years, it takes its toll on you. The saying “It’s always the quiet ones” has a lot more to do with suffering in silence instead of just the ones who’ll snap the loudest. It’s taken me years to get to a point where I don’t feel completely disgusted with myself and can honestly open up to those who love me and whom I truly love. It’s a lot of pain to get through but, slowly but surely, I am getting there with help. The hardest thing I’ve had to force myself to accept is that unconditional love be damned, the ones whom you want to understand you most, may never be able to even when you beat them over the head with everything that you are. That’s probably my biggest pet peeve because it feels like I’m not only being ignored but that my interests, my career, my very being are being cast aside because they don’t get it and even when I tell them REFUSE TO TRY TO. I feel outright discarded and used when this happens especially when I used to always listen to them and all of their problems (Note: I was about 10-12 having to console adults) and let them take their frustrations out on me however they saw fit (Note: Took me years to figure out that this wasn’t normal, much less abuse) For a while when something positive did come my way, I’d question it. Heavily. “Why is he being so nice? Why am I being treated with such kindness? Why are these people listening to me so intently? Am I really that interesting or are they just pretending so they can all talk shit about me once I leave? Why did she say I look nice? Does she feel sorry for me or just lying?” The list goes on & on.
It’s normal to doubt new perspectives on your views and question how you came to those conclusions and how they’ll affect you going forward if they even do at all. What’s not normal, is seeing that new perspective and wanting to retreat back to what’s unhealthy and toxic because that’s your normal and that feels safe to you. It shouldn’t. It’s not normal to want to destroy yourself, it’s not normal to think that you deserve less or nothing and it’s not normal to deny yourself happiness and the help to obtain it. That last panel damn near had me in tears because I completely understand where Ruth is coming from: She’s reached an epiphany (by whatever means) even within all the BS, and can now see a new horizon for something better for herself…but because of said past BS fear takes over and she wants to retreat back into the darkness where she feels comfortable, even if it means she slowly lets herself rot from the inside out. Yes, Ruth is medicated, but not so medicated that she’s lost her sense of self, hence why she doubts the peacefulness and there’s also her therapy sessions that may also be playing a role on top of that. I know it sounds like I’m reaching, but this is what it looks like to me, someone who’s said these same words to herself and felt this same way (although for different reasons) and I can relate to Ruth on that level (and that level alone) because of it.
With time, I’ve learned that help works. Some need more, others less, but help works. I’m still coming to terms with a lot of things from my jacked up past, but I’m not holding back anymore. I’ve gotten brave enough to trust those who love me with my broken ways and at the same time, have learned to love my shattered self, jagged edges, cracks, holes and all and let the imperfections be as much a part of me as the pieces themselves are.
Like I said, I didn’t think I’d be writing a wall-o-text, but that last panel…damn it Willis…and thank you :’)
I have to say that some antidepressants do work that fast for some people, even on low doses. It was shockingly fast for me, and after about 6 months of being a different person and having a mini-puberty-rehash (I’ve been depressed 15 years, since I was around 13), I am more myself than I’ve been in years. You are just the chemicals your brain throws around, throw one in that hasn’t been there in a while and you’ll get something else completely for a while!
A lot of the people sharing their experiences with depression are saying that they were weirded out or even scared when their treatment started working.
I just want to say that you have my sympathy (via light non-physical contact, if you want). My depression episodes were the most hellish things I’ve ever gone through, and I latched on to any sense of normality that my treatment granted me. I can hardly even imagine what it would’ve been like to fear that sense of normality to the point that I’d settle for hell.
So on an unrelated and lighter note, my attempt at getting into non-Beast Wars Transformers stuff has lead me to Transformers Prime.
It’s pretty good. It’s boring for the first few episodes and the human cast outside of Raph feels unnecessary at best and an active hindrance at worst, Miko is just terrible all the time while Jack is merely Standard Protagonist with relatable.exe programmed in, and holy crap is this grim. I can’t believe they showed this to kids. Plus the depiction of Unicron in this is really cool, if low-key compared to other versions.
I like it well enough, though. I like how it knows that Optimus is going to be the same guy across every form of media so it gives more focus to Arcee and Bulkhead, the best characters, and Starscream, Knock Out and Breakdown are surprisingly endearing for villain characters.
How dare you! Knock Out is a blessing! Arcee is the best! Optimus… okay Optimus literally just says heroic things and nothing else.
Miko almost dies like every other day but has no grasp of that! Jack and Raph think giant robots are cool but also they get weirded out when they nearly get crushed by Skyquake in a hell dimension!
Miko’s just, like, a walking gag. Fowler can do silly things and it’s funny because it exists in relation to this regular human dude barking at giant robots. It’s like if Rattrap was nothing but sarcastic quips, even when Dinobot dies in front of him.
Granted, Prime gets stupidly dark at times, especially with Airachnid who is basically just Turantulas with none of the fun. I just don’t think Miko’s antics ever really like, contributed to alleviating that darkness so much as horribly clashing against it.
TBH I kinda wish they rolled all three kid characters into Raph and just had him do everything. If I watched this when I was younger then the super brainy kid who’s best friends with Bumblebee and can do computers better than big giant robot who sound like my dad would have been my go-to wish fulfillment character.
That’s how treatment for depression works. Nothing ever actually goes away, but meds and therapy let you at least see out of the darkness sometimes.
And anyone who says meds are unnecessary or that a person on meds just isn’t trying hard enough can FITE ME. I definitely would be dead right now without meds.
Ah the art of co-dependance. Billie needs her to be depressed so she can care for her, so she walks into her rooms and helps remind her she’s not supposed to trust the system… Sometimes our friends are, unintentionally, our worst enemies.
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“You wouldn’t happen to have a red pill on you, would you? I’m sick of these blue ones.”
Unfortunately, that reference will forever mean MRA redpills to me instead of the Matrix movies.
Fortunately, I didn’t like the Matrix that much anyways, so it’s not too big of a loss.
Alice isn’t around to ask, is she?
Because you think she’d know?
Of course the MRAs co-opting the red pill idea is pretty ironic given the path the Wachowskis have followed.
What, be unable to write a compelling female protagonist despite one of them being female?
Actually they both identify as female.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wachowskis
I had not heard.
The other came out as trans in march of this year, she now goes by the name Lily.
Sadly, she was forced too because of the shitty press. 🙁
—
Anyway, while certainly not a compelling protagonist as such, I enjoyed Jupiter Ascending. It was like spot-on 13 year old girl fanfiction given a big budget. Not sure fanf fiction of what exactly. But with space dinosaurs and hulky wolf boys someone was letting their child out.
I love Jupiter Ascending BECAUSE of how bad it is. It’s amazingly and delightfully terrible.
Visual effects weren’t bad, either.
The dinosaur people sucked, though
Both of them are women last I checked.
Right, but that fact wasn’t always public knowledge. And it wasn’t public knowledge when the MRA crowd started using the “red pill” thing, or when the rest of the alt-right (and just general wingnuts, eventually) adopted it, too. I think I’ve seen it used by MRA people, Stefan Molyneux’s weird pseudo-libertarian-turned-creepy-personal-cult people, Alex Jones’ personal minions, 9/11 truthers, and now the alt-right. I mean, granted, there’s a lot of overlap between some of those groups, and the Venn diagram for all of that is probably insanely complicated if not impossible to portray properly, but still. It’s a lot of different people with different agendas but usually the same kind of feel about them.
I may have seen it (the red pill thing) used by anti-vaxxers as well, but I’m not sure. I mean, I’m sure it’s been used *by* anti-vaxxers, but I’m not sure if I’ve seen it used to further the anti-vax cause.
I’m going to guess that the Wachowskis do not approve of the vast majority of people using the “red pill” thing. I don’t have evidence of their opinions of all of the groups I mentioned, but given most of those groups’ opinions of transgendered (transgender? I’ve seen it used both ways to refer to both people and the process, and I can’t for the life of me remember which is which, according to who.) persons, I doubt that there’s a lot of friendliness there.
I assume you haven’t seen Sense8, and so I forgive you.
You forgive someone for not seeing Sens8? That’s a terrible plan.
The Matrix was always about being trans, too (link is to the original author of the blog post that the video was based on, but if you prefer video formats there is another link within it).
Also as has been pointed out, MRAs would never have made it out of the in-movie matrix; they don’t have a good track record for believing anything women or people of color tell them if it runs counter to how they think the world works.
as the ancient one said in the Dr.Strange movie “we don’t defeat our demons, we learn to live above them.”
Tatsuya Ishida used The Red Pill for waking to awareness of The Patriarchy in Sinfest. I saw that first and was annoyed by the MRA use of it for awaking to a new, inverted false consciousness by which any diminution/challenge of overwhelming privilege is oppression…. it doesn’t even make sense …. as if it would
The Truck is just waiting for Ruth to finally be happy before it finishes it’s multiversal job.
Don’t speak its name!
THE TRUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK….*runs off*
He’s not that bad… he just learned
Oh wait, Wrong Truck.
http://fuukaakitsuki.wikia.com/wiki/Truck
This truck?
Now that’s a sideways thought process.
The distrust! She’s still in there, Billie!
I don’t trust that distrust. If she were really that distrustful, wouldn’t she distrust the distrust more? I mean, it all seems so convenient.
If Ruth is feeling better, and Billie undoes this by making her depressed again, that can’t be a good thing.
Other than Billie, and I’m not sure about Billie, the only person Ruth trusts is probably her brother.
I think she trusts both Howard and Billie, but in both cases it’s a very limited and conditional trust, like “I trust you with this and this and this, and anticipate that you will behave in a certain manner in certain circumstances” than unconditional trust. Less a matter of putting faith in people than being pretty sure they can be counted on to act in a certain way. I might just be projecting, but I don’t see Ruth trusting her brother with responsibility or trusting Billie unconditionally after the lies and betrayals she felt.
“Once in a Lifetime” on the nonhacked house music!
Almost.
The Kermit T. Frog version, I would imagine.
So I had to watch that and “Piggy Got Back”, than you very much!
Am I the only one who couldn’t understand most of what David was saying in that song?
For me it took multiple viewings of the “Stop Making Sense” version, as excerpted in the Rolling Stone Magazine 20th Anniversary Special.
Eh, like a lot of songs, this one plays better if you don’t actually examine the lyrics.
(There was a Minneapolis musician who clearly didn’t like the lyrics, and *would* closely examine them as he played the song — “Of course there’s water at the bottom of the ocean! Where the hell else?”)
Well, Ruthless is still the same old ray of sunshine as always…
when dread darkness and hopelessness is all you know. having no emotions is the norm or only bad ones. then when you start to see any hint of light or happiness it seems scary and you want to go back to the darkness and horror that you know.
or maybe its just me
No, it’s all of us these days. Or maybe it always was, and we were just content enough not to see the darkness for the light.
Quite so. Better shitty, known and reliable than hopeful, unfamiliar, and untrusted.
The known heap to of shit is so nice and warm and … known.
I remember pulling back in because there are no points of reference outside.
Is this the real life?
Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!
Or is it fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and
See
I’m just a poor boy
I need no sympathy
Cause I’m easy come
Easy go
Little high
Little low
Any way the wind blows,
Nothing really matters to me
To~o me
Mama, just killed a man
Mamaaaaaa… Mama? Mama! Mama…
Mamaaaaa! Mama! Ahahaha! Mamamamamamamamamama!
MAMAAAAAA! YOHOOOOO!
Bawk bawk bawk baawk
bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk baaaaaawk
Is this just fantasy?
This certainly is. And a Howard is involved.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qk2huZdwL8
This is exactly how I felt when my depression started getting better. A light sort of flipped on, but it took a while before I was willing to accept its glowing warmth. Having a daughter helped since it gave me a perspective that I have to put up or shut up about my problems.
i stopped taking my pills at once point because instead of feeling nothing i started to feel emotions. it was scary.
I was fortunate enough to self-correct without medication. A lot of…very motivating, and very positive stress fell in my lap basically simultaneously (new job, college, and a baby) So functionally, I ground away my depression with sheer work. Everything changed so fast that it system shocked me into being normal again. It was one of the strangest, and honestly best things that has ever happened to me.
I do have lingering side-effects from it though. I still suffer from a milder form of the aphasia it struck me with, and my short term memory still isn’t up to full speed, but it’s all coming back a little at a time.
Jeez, Ruth-with-eyes makes some weird expressions. Like, last panel in yesterday’s strip, panel four today… or is it just me?
Wow,
group therapypudding did all that in just one day??Group pudding?
There is no group pudding. Group pudding requires the sharing of pudding, and humanity is incapable of this feat.
Hey! You! Get away from my pudding!
Never doubt the power of pudding. One day it might prevent a global crisis.
“Authorities confirm that it was, indeed, a sentient pudding cup that convinced the remaining Florida electors to cast their ballots for Clinton, and Parliament to elect to overturn the Article 50 decision…”
I bet Tedd Verres is behind this somehow.
Artie Narbon seems like a more likely candidate for the production of a sapient dairy product.
According to a throwaway joke in the early part of EGS, Tedd once literally brought a pudding cup to life.
The commentary (http://www.egscomics.com/?id=22) seems non-canon to me.
I thought Article 50 had no teeth behind it, and was ultimately a poll. And that everyone forgot that.
If there is anything that can unite the world in peace it is either a) Star Wars fan love or b) pudding.
meh im not much of a star wars fan. i do have one of the theater movie posters though because i know it will have some value due to the fans.
Fruit cup saves the world from global crisis in an episode of Mission Hill! (Old adult swim show)
Nah, but being at your absolute worst ever, and everyone finding out despite all your previous efforts to hide it, and not having to make any big decisions for the moment, and finally talking about things. That helps.
When all the bad things have happened and you’ve hit rock bottom, it also means you’ve also stopped falling deeper, which is a nice change for once. A lot of stress and tension goes away at that point because there’s no way things can get worse, they aren’t getting better yet, but not having to wait for another shoe to drop means you can at least enjoy things like pudding again.
And no longer trying to keep your depression a secret, and finally talking about it and getting some things out works wonders.
Maybe Billie will actually give her own therapy appointment a chance now.
Ruth has the best faces today.
You may find yourself living in a hospital shack.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1wg1DNHbNU
Where is that large
automobiletruck?Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.
And you may find yourself
In another part of the ward.
And you may find yourself
In a beautiful operating theatre
With a beautiful anesthetist
And you may ask yourself,
Well,
How did I get here?
The best way I can describe going on meds is like you’re stepping into a warm sunbeam after being in a cold dark room forever
And it feels nice at first, but then feels almost blinding because you’re not use to the light and the warmth. For a moment you consider hiding in the dark again because it’s what you know maybe banging on the door to see if it still exists. It’s scary. But then you find the strength to embrace the sliver of light and eventually the warm light becomes the norm and the cold dark room scares you.
Depends on the meds and your luck. When I finally got put on the *right* meds, it was still awful for about three weeks. I was dizzy all the time, and I couldn’t focus. But then, it cleared up and all of a sudden I had emotional energy to do something other than try not to get totally taken in by my depression.
stop staring at me with them big ol eyes
I can definitely relate to Ruth in that last panel.
Too many good things happening in a row, or just going for too long feeling good used to make me super paranoid about when the other shoe was going to drop.
When that happens it’s best to lay off the Willis comics.
Paranoia, paranoia, Terrible’s coming to get me!
“Paranoia strikes deep,
Into your life it will creep,
It starts when ….”
Oh, wait: that one’s about the coming of The new regime on Jan 20
I love how expressive Ruth’s faces are in these panels. They’re more . . . Alive than they have ever been. her eyes feel like they have more color, they look purer, it almost feels like I’m looking into Joyce’s big blue eyes in the fourth panel.
A nice contrast to how dead and empty her face was, last time . . . s we saw her.
Anyone else think Billie looks guilty for not getting Ruth help before now?
I don’t know, I read that as Billie’s ‘man, I guess I really am worthless, my love wasn’t ever enough to do this’ look. Poor Billie.
I hope so. Sometimes you need a little guilt to put you on the path to recovery and growth
I’m wondering if she just is afraid to tell Ruth that her Grandad has been informed of this and might be coming.
Unless he was listed as her emergency contact (which seems unlikely), neither the university nor hospital could legally do that.
You’re assuming that Willis had a good grasp on that when he wrote this. Honestly, he’s been shaky on more than one occasion about what laws will allow.
I think it’s the magic of having her deep dark down-and-dirty down-low feelings externally validated, by people paying them the attention they deserve and taking her seriously.
And not a single “Same as it ever was” post?
I remember feeling good and then getting worried I was becoming manic. No, I just didn’t realize what “happy” felt like.
Granted, this wasn’t after one day.
I’m having trouble getting used to Ruth’s eyes. I got used to her really bad depression tiny eyes, and I forgot what she looked like with bigger size eyes with irises and such.
Feeling comfortably numb. “This is not who I am.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7EpSirtf_E
This is exactly how I felt when I started on antidepressants. You get so use to being sad and depressed that when it’s lifted a little, everything feels… off somehow. Sometimes to the point of waiting to quit using them a few days in because it feels so wrong. When I started, I was enjoying it until day 3 and I nearly quit because it was all wrong (so yes she could really be starting to feel some of the effects that quickly depending on the med, but it takes time for it to fully get in your system). I have the feeling that these comics are going to be hitting home a lot for a while and for that, I am grateful. Most media never shows true depression and all its layers. This one does.
I’m an idiot and only realized “Ruth looks weird,” is because her eyes have changed. Lols
Poor Billie. Poor, poor Billie. She just waits for everything to come crashing down. 🙁
Hey, she’s read this comic. She knows the score.
Her best plan now is to find a way to stab Willis.
She should haunt Transformers wikis for a chance at thay
Kidnap his transformer toys, and threaten to melt them down if he doesn’t write a happy ending.
Please do not fixate on that idea. Feeling stabbity is valid. Planning stabbity is Not good ideation, and stabbiting is illegal and immoral,(In almost all cases – with few exceptions).
Melting his Autobots would cause far more pain:))
Do said laws apply to webcomic characters stabbiting their own creator? If not, then Ruth’s home free.
She DID once threaten to STAB EVERYTHING. Stabbing God would be a good place to start.
God is dead, and we have stabbed him with his own bloody femur.
This was me right after starting anti-depressants. I didn’t, couldn’t trust that it wouldn’t come crashing back down on me like a building collapsing. But so far it hasn’t (crossing fingers for luck).
*crosses fingers, toes, and eyes to help*
Please, Not good. Have you not heard that if someone slaps you on the back while you’re doing that, it could get stuck like that? Just cross the fingers and toes, but it has to be an odd number. Even number crossings cancel out.
I found tossing chicken bones helped. Kept me distracted.
“What do you mean, ‘Ask Again Later’?”
So… I’m looking at this tweet of the couple in the “Fuck your Feelings” shirts. Am I the only one seeing a blond Toedad?
Who the fudge let him out into the real world? Why would they do such a thing?
Those… might actually be the ugliest people I have ever seen. And I don’t mean some philosophical “they’re ugly because they’re bad people” crap, either. They’re just kind of nauseating to look at.
I mean, it might be because of the shirts, but I don’t think so…
They certainly don’t realise their Medicare will disappear soon. I suspect they might start showing some feelings then.
I guarantee those people are scolding someone for being rude or cursing or “using the Lord’s name in vain” on a DAILY basis
Looks more like a Toemom to me, though that’s probably just her facial expression at the moment. She looks more like a toe than he does, I think. But yeah, his build is similar to Toedad.
I have to hope that neither of them are actually as repugnant as Toedad, if only because that’s a depressingly low bar. I have serious issues with the Trump crowd, but I hold the expectation that the vast majority of them would not kidnap and attempt to murder their own children.
Like I said, depressingly low bar.
#relatable
i remember the first time i went on antidepresants. i was depressed so long, for most of my life, that it felt so weird to not be in pain. very confused, and sometimes sort of intense in unusual way. really glad afterwards that i got treatment.
I am super jealous of everyone who reacted to their meds very quickly. Mine took months.
I mean the meds I am now on work really well for me, and it was totally, totally worth it, but damn, a day? a week? Jealous.
(And a friend of mine has medication-resistant depression, so that we are talking years. However, she FINALLY FOUND ONE that works, and it’s super great you guys, she doesn’t wanna die, landed a highly competitive job, and she’s doin’ it. I am so proud of my pal today. ^^)
The problem with reacting quickly to them is they hit like a ton of bricks. It hit me too hard and fast for me to adjust to a new norm which can make people like me want to stop taking them. The side effects can hit fast and hard too or take months once it’s in my system. Then I have withdrawals really bad even when they put me right on another med. I wish neither of us had to go through the difficult period though and we could just skip to the part where feeling normal felt normal without the headache in between.
I went through so many different ones over the years. I had bad reactions to two or three shortly after starting them that I had to get off quickly. I had reactions to one of them months later. One had to be stopped after I was on it a while because it was fairly new at the time and they found a nasty long term effect (I was poor but could get free ones if they were new). One nearly killed me (stopped depression but made me suicidal). A few did nothing at all. I was on one for two or three years and it did just enough to not be useless and was pregnancy safe (if I ever decided to try), but it made me tired all the time and destroyed my sex drive. Now I’m on one I love that works great with no side effects. It was definitely worth it.
(I intentionally omitted drug names as everybody is different and one that I had a bad experience with might be perfect for someone else or visa versa)
Well, they seemed to work remarkably quickly for me, but it was also pretty mild. Just a tiny change that was also pretty awesome, like something that has been hurting for a long time not hurting as much. (I was pretty afraid of taking them as I had friends that had had terrible luck with side effects, but I was lucky first go.)
But while they made it possible for me to be somewhat more functional and less dissociative I’m pretty jealous of anyone who felt the “ray of light” feeling because… I am unlikely to ever have that feeling.
This is probably a function of having chronic depression starting at a young age vs later onset or something situational. Accepting that this is how my brain works and working from that platform is the healthiest thing for me, but I certainly am jealous of people who are capable of ever truly recovering when I let myself think about it. :/
for me, the “ray of light” feeling came from adhd medication. it was about 90% temporary… but wow, it was amazing being able to simply *choose* things.
as for antidepressants… the first one was about a month of awful side-effects, then… well, I wasn’t getting suicidal thoughts any more, but I remember it being really weird, and the side-effects were still pretty inconvenient. the day I felt best was when I had the prescription in my hand.
so, I tapered off, and a few years later I was depressed again. CBT, mindfulness and meditation got me out of that bout, fuck was it ever hard work, but I sort of… made peace with the depression there, and since then it hasn’t come back for more than a few days at a time (not counting a few medication-side-effects issues).
now I’m on a migraine med that happens to also be an antidepressant, and I doubt I’d put up with the side effects if the alternative wasn’t 24/7 pain, but it did seem to make my brain more… amenable to change. it feels like the cognitive stuff goes a lot faster these days, and I don’t know how much of that is the migraine/antidepressant vs the stimulant vs passing some meditation threshold, but it’s good. 🙂
🙂
Too real ruth…too real
That is exactly what I felt like on antidepressants. Ugh.
I tried many different ones but eventually stopped, because I was fake happy and high strung.
Sounds like the dose may have been too high.
I hope you found other things that worked for you.
I’ve tried many different ones too and now I’m on one that works great for me that makes me feel just normal. Sometimes it just takes time. How long did you try them if you don’t mind me asking? Did they start you on the lowest dose? Did you try a mild med made to take as needed rather than everyday? There are a variety of those and sometimes they are all you need. I have both a maintenance med (which is amazing and does most of the heavy lifting) and one of the lower dose mild as needed kind (for when my anxiety or depression act up).
That’s my regime – a maintenance drug and one for when it all gets a bit much.
Like I said, don’t be too quick to dismiss it as fake. You aren’t used to it. The feelings feel wrong.
That’s a huge part of the CBT component–the fact that you are so used to the bad feelings/thoughts that they feel normal, and the new feelings/thoughts feel fake. You gotta keep going.
Plus, well, if it was the initial effect, it probably was fake and would go away.
This^^
Non-fucked up Ruth is the most adorable character in this character besides Arnold.
This and the previous strip are kind of making me see why they separated Ruth and Billie in the first place, honestly. Feels a bit enabling.
No trust for the vantage point. That sumbongo is gonna crumble under your feet, plunging you back down into the abyss.
I hate this story. 1 day of any kind of counseling can’t do anywhere close to this. fuck a month cant change perspective that much. after years of fucking counseling i still everyday have to force myself to get out of the fucking bed just live.
It’s very personal. It doesn’t actually mean you’re fixed, but if you have a chronic issue and are in acute crisis and have never ever reached out for help the effect can be more dramatic.
Generally that’s going to settle down from the brief high by feeling overwhelmed again, but this certainly can happen for people.
I’m sorry you’re in a bad place – I have never had great success from any type of therapy myself, and there are a bunch of reasons it can be hard for it to work. Wrong therapist, wrong approach, your current mental health and support systems. If it doesn’t feel like it’s working at all it’s probably worth considering a chance of some sort if possible – I know often changes aren’t that accessible. 🙁
So before I say anything, I want to say that I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this, and that this storyline is hurting you. Like you it took a very long time for me to be able to start functioning and recently I’ve been backsliding into a lot of my scarier habits, and it’s been a huge struggle for me.
For what it’s worth, while in-comic Ruth has been there for like a day now, we’ve also been following this since August. If the comic tried to be totally 100% realistic with its timeframe it would be years and years before we saw Ruth make any real progress.
So it’s not a matter of “Ruth is magically cured after a day because therapy is an instant panacea”, but that, because DoA takes place in a black hole, she’s making progress in a quicker time frame.
Two things:
One, I would suggest reading the entire comment field for the last two days. The short version is that people are different, and medications work differently for practically everyone, and we don’t even know what medication Ruth got, or in what doses. There are in fact several people saying that they got a near instant “jump” from starting their medication/therapy…
Two: …But that doesn’t mean it’s all sunshine and rainbows now. Ruth herself is admitting that it’s not fixed. Not yet. In fact, she’s already getting anxious about these new feelings. Things are likely to get worse again before it gets anywhere near long-term better.
Lastly: Life has treated you badly, and while I’m certain my words probably sounds nothing but hollow bullshit (and I won’t blame you for that), I really wish that things were much better for you. Feel free to internet slap me if you think I sound too dismissive.
I actually had to go back and check to make sure that Ruth’s eyes weren’t bigger now than in her appearances before her eyes became dots. They aren’t, but they are brighter.
Hope is indeed scary. Nice, good, better than depression, but scary.
I always feel wary of these kinds of drugs.
Because it’s something that can shift your focus.
Ruth felt like all of her issues were building up inside her and nearly killing her, and now they’re present but not as focused.
She still remembers them having so much force, but now they don’t.
If you felt in danger and were terrified and the next day it didn’t bother you, it’d feel weird.
Am I right? Am I wrong?
My first drug regime ended when I started to get muscle spasms. My second one I’ve been on for a couple of years.
The drugs make it manageable, but it never truly goes away, most days I can push it to the back of my mind. My father’s death prompted a couple of episodes, my partner helped me through those.
I think you meant regiment
I would hate to see pharma become a regim-oh wait.
actually a third word (“regimen”), which of course comes from the same root as the other two.
It was regimen I was reaching for, thankyou.
Just want to say I love how true Ruth’s entire arc has been in portraying depression. Universal? Can’t say. But it speaks to me. I have dealt with depression chronically for maybe fifteen years. Sometimes it can take weeks or months to get over an episode. Sometimes all you need is distance from a problem, or for an impending disaster to just arrive already, and you can be better almost overnight. And that weight of expectations tho, your own or others’; it can downright drown you. Damn you, Willis. Good job.
I know that feeling
TALKING HEADS !!!
And after the sunshine comes the rain.
This scene really speaks to me – when I had depression, I had this deep, abiding fear that people would find out (because my parents, both of them, were deeply and loudly biased against people with mental illness and would go on loud and frequent rants about how people with mental illness were [insert your negative stereotype here]). That terror that people would know was one of the last emotions I was still able to feel – and it was what kept me functional enough that nobody figured it out for years.
When someone finally found out and the world didn’t end it was this euphoria for a few days – exactly like Ruth’s describing. Everything awful is still awful, but “the worst” happened and it doesn’t seem to have ruined everything? It was like a weight lifted. Metaphorically speaking: It was like I was in a hurricane, and suddenly the rain and wind stopped. Still cloudy, but lighter, and it seemed like the storm might be breaking.
… ‘course, about a week ish later, mental illness meant my brain realized that the worst happened and it didn’t kill me didn’t mean I was better and it all kind of came crashing down back to numb-land for a bit. The “calm” wasn’t the storm passing – I’d just hit the eye.
And then when I started recovering, I got emotions back kind of in stages? Like sad first so I’d cry a lot which sucked because reasons*. Then boredom – so I’d be sad and crying for hours but I’d also be bored of crying but I couldn’t stop crying and yeah that was a time. And then anger came back for a few weeks and I hated everything and everyone in the world but especially myself, then it went away again and was replaced by anxiety so I had this sense of unspeakable dread constantly for a while, and then anger came back again but not as intensely (so instead of hating everything and everyone, I was just pissed off at them for existing. Still hated myself because depression), and then after that was frustration (nearly dropped out of therapy because “I thought this shit was supposed to make me better why am I still so fucking miserable?!”), and then I had this stage where I felt all of the negative emotions at once (this was actually the most dangerous stage for me because I had enough energy to act on my self-destructive impulses and I was feeling stuff rather than numb to it again), and only after that did I start to feel some of the positive things again, and for a while I’d swing back and forth between giddiness and misery in a way that was baffling and kind of scary (especially since before the depression I was always kind of a level-headed and not-super-emotional kid – so like going from laughing to crying in the same sentence for no apparent was like “What the ever-loving fuck is happening to me?!”) and then things slowly levelled out (ever seen a plot of a sine wave superimposed on exponential decay? That was kind of my emotional recovery process in that stage – and like the switch between ‘up’ and ‘down’ was sometimes literally between words in a sentence. It was fucking bizarre – especially since at times my body would be emoting these things and like rational-me was also there separate from my body’s cry-fest going, “Why am I crying? There is no reason to be crying. I don’t even feel sad, I’m just crying? What the fuck, brain? Body, stop crying please!”).
And it really fucking sucked – not just because it was baffling and scary (since sometimes my body would be emoting things I wasn’t feeling, or I’d be feeling things I couldn’t emote), but also because see above about parents being super ableist about mental illness: I had a fuckload of internalized ableism, and allll the self-hatred and self-disgust for being “crazy” during that time. After shit levelled out, finally, I had to deal with years of fear that it was fake (because remember the crash back down after first getting help? Yeah – I, rather justifiably, feared that recovery was fake), plus there was the fact that I was one of those depressed people who rationalize depression with nihilism so I was in the habit of not trusting anything positive and thinking nothing mattered anyway so why bother? And I know it’s not the case for everyone but for me in particular that thought process is really integral to how my mental illness worked and learning not to think like that was key to recovery sticking. Fun fact: I can’t study philosophy because sooner or later you need to talk about nihilism and nihilism is a legit depression trigger for me. Mental illness triggers are weird sometimes – this is why I don’t ever question other people’s mental illness triggers. I’m literally triggered by fucking philosophy classes and assigned readings.
*Parents with bias against mental illness who’d get pissed at me for crying for “no reason” and yell at me for being over-sensitive plus internalized toxic masculinity plus trans and not figured it out yet interacting with toxic mascuilinity
*hugs* I’m glad you made it through. Even if sometimes you slip back down a bit, you find the strength to claw your way back up. It will take a long time, but eventually some of the triggers will lose their power. There are so many things to relearn. So many new neural pathways to form like a twisted version of minecraft (or like starting out with nothing in the nether with an unlit hidden portal somewhere in the vast world). I hope on bad days you can look back to see how far you have come.
Thanks. Most of them are gone now (Ihave been more-or-less in depression remission for nearly a decade now). But the nihilism one has stuck around. It is pretty easy to avoid, so.
Minecraft! I was gonna make a wise-ass remark here, but it turns out (google is my friend) Minecraft has been used in therapy. You’re building things, and every day you’re a little better equipped to take on new challenges. So, yay!
Being someone who has dealt with depression most of her life I know a lot of the game of Minecraft carries over to a good depression recovery metaphor. You start out bare with monsters around every corner and have to figure out how to make it through especially at your darkest moments. Even if someone who is a professional helps you out and explains it all to you and works with you, you will still fail many times. You will get upset. You will get angry. You will make many mistakes. You will have moments that you want to give up. But you keep going. You use your tools to coop with the world and dig deeper. You build yourself up. You light the dark corners to keep the monsters at bay. You explore. With work and patience, you become able to face the monsters that once brought you to your knees. What was once hard becomes easier each day. You still make mistakes and you still fail sometimes, but it no longer feels like a reason to quit for good anymore; it’s an annoying and frustrating setback.
Sympathy via SO MUCH light physical contact, friend. (And yeah, I feel you – I’ve been banned from taking philosophy classes because existentialism really gets to me.)
I was on antidepressants once. Back in the day. At the end, a scary amount of Prozac. People who have known me since before that time, and were still around afterwards, all tell me the same things: You weren’t yourself anymore. You were barely human anymore. You were like a zombie or an automaton. We were scared for you. All true. I even reached a point where, somehow, in the cognitive shift of the stuff, I had even, somehow, come to the conclusion that sex and sexual urges were the result of some viral infection that Humans were afflicted with many many aeons ago, and that we were better off without those urges. Weird and scary, right?
When I finally went off the stuff, it was in late 2007, when the recession cost me my job of 7 years, and I lost my medical coverage. Had to go off the stuff all at once. I’m told that it was amazing that I didn’t try to kill myself, crashing off it that way, especially considering how much of it I was taking. Ever since then, if I think about it for a moment, I realize that I don’t perceive the world the same way anymore; it’s like everything I see and perceive is shifted a fraction of an inch to the left of something. It’s the same world, but oddly different..
..but I digress from my point in posting a comment.
I’m rather anti-antidepressant. I think it’s an expedient pushed on us by the pharma-industrial complex, because it’s cheaper and simpler than traditional ways to deal with depression, not because it’s better. Really, I believe they’re playing Russian Roulette with our neurochemistry. Personally, I’ll never touch the stuff ever again.
I believe that cognitive therapy is the way to do things; learning to identify what’s going on inside your head, and deal with the actual problem(s), rather than chemically hack your brain to ignore them. Do antidepressants have their place? I’ll concede that point — but they should only be used as a short-term fix, so that a proper therapist can get you on the cognitive therapy road, so that in the long run you can deal with your own problems, without having to take a pill that does Universe-knows-what to your brain chemistry in the long-term.
Anyway.. that’s just my opinion. History has taught me that there’ll be a million comments condemning me now, professing how antidepressants ‘saved’ them, and how totally wrong I am. You’re entitled to your opinion, but to this day, if I start getting depressed again — and this year in particular, we’ve all got lots of things to be depressed about — I deal with it myself, without chemical help, and consider myself the better for it. oh, and before any of you accuse me of never having had a problem in the first place? I was chronically depressed and intermittently suicidal, not just ‘a little down’ or somesuch; not Amateur Night shit.
Peace.
One of the possible side effects is depression… It’s one of the reasons to be very careful taking them. However, they can help some people, so one should also be careful of *not* taking them.
You’ve presented your opinion honestly, without dismissing other people’s experiences that were different from yours.
You were doing fine until the slight tone of “I’m better than people who need full-time medication” in your last paragraph.
Are solutions which don’t involve long-term use of medication preferable? Absolutely. Is that always an option? No, it isn’t. We can be careful about over-medicating and prioritize giving people the tools to avoid or minimize the need for them, without stigmatizing the people who do need those medications.
Needing psychiatric medications for depression (or anything else) doesn’t mean a person is weak. It doesn’t show strength of character to outright refusing to use them. It’s being stubborn and ignoring a tool that can (and does) save and improve lives.
You can dislike them all you want. It certainly doesn’t sound like the ones you were taking were working for you. But please don’t judge or shame others for needing them.
Agreed. I’ve had good and bad experiences with pretty much every type of medication I’ve been on over the years (apart from the ADD/ADHD ‘okay one zombified you and stunted your growth for years and the other never seemed to really actually work’ ones, but then I’m the one who thinks I might have ADHD comorbid and I’m still not 100% sure), and even the better ones have tended to have one side effect or another. Medication hasn’t been the right solution for some members of my family, and I’m glad they’re fine. But I’m pretty sure I’m one of the family members for whom it is absolutely necessary because my baseline without medication is so far below normal healthy levels, and that just is what it is to me. I suspect it’s in part because I’m already going to be taking at least one drug for the rest of my life for manageable but chronic health conditions (hypothyroidism), and there’s two key vitamins I don’t metabolize correctly requiring supplements, so needing one for my neurochemistry doesn’t seem like a huge difference from the endocrine ones. We’ve tried significant therapy, and it’s a huge help but it can’t fix the broken mental pipes on its own. It helps me deal with the fact that they’ll always be leaky and temperamental and kind of weird, but if there’s no water coming out of them then none of the workarounds given are actually going to work.
There are a lot of causes for depression – chemical imbalance in your brain chemistry is one of them and medication to fix it IS addressing the cause.
Psychiatric medicine didn’t work for you – that’s fine and wanting to address it in the future via cognitive therapy is fine. But insisting others shouldn’t use them without knowing whether they’ll work or what their problem is is not just ignorant, it’s also down right dangerous. Cognitive therapy can work, but it doesn’t work for everyone and in cases where the primary cause is a chemical issue, it CAN’T work for everyone.
Also let’s be clear: Prozac didn’t work for them. They were on exactly one medication, and they are using an experience where frankly they should have talked to their doctor and asked for an adjustment anyway because “like a zombie” is never the goal, to condemn all medications forever.
Bonus: that tangent in the middle, which likens people who have never had a sex drive to aliens.
Also true.
I was on antidepressants as a teenager and they almost killed me. Turned out what I had was not depression, but bipolar. I made it without meds for about five years. No meds are better than the wrong meds. And I was ok, but then things started getting difficult again. So, I was willing to give meds – hopefully the right ones – one more try. And they saved my life.
Do I like that I take six different medications every day to keep myself stable (and seven if I’m in danger of going off the rails)? No. But for me, in combination with therapy, they are what allow me to enjoy successful relationships and a successful career and more than a measure of happiness.
Wow. Didn’t expect that I’d post a TL;DR but, that last panel…yeah, here goes:
First, a little background on me: I’m a 29 y/o woman bout to graduate with dual Bachelor’s degrees in Graphic Design and Multimedia Studies. I’m Haitian from both my parents but was born and raised in the US. I’m hetero but support love for all, from all and I’m a firm believer of “To Each Their Own” Now then, that having been said…
I’ve suffered through a metric ass-ton of shit at a very young age (i.e. physical, mental, psychological, 2nd-hand abuse, bullying, etc.) and from that age, I’ve unfortunately been taught to absorb it and keep it in. Whenever I did open up, even positively, I’ve been badly hurt by those whom I believed should love me unconditionally and would do so with surprisingly cruel intent. Although I was the baby and the so-called “favorite” I saw every horrible thing unfold before me and, because of my “baby” status, was never allowed to talk about it to anyone. In Haitian culture, it’s counter-intuitive to discuss things about family outside of the family, but when said family is toxically self-destructing on itself and have repeatedly denied your feelings on the matter because, since it doesn’t affect you directly it shouldn’t affect you at all, it gets…confusing, to say the least. Couple that with being the family’s bright spot/lighting rod and you’ve got a person who’s got low self esteem, whose self loathing becomes internally destructive and finds it damn near impossible to believe compliments because of a paranoia complex instilled since age 5. I used to always be told that if anyone liked how I looked or what I was wearing they were lying so that they could make fun of me behind my back. This was usually on the bias from the person telling me this.
Seeing Ruth coming to terms with her own self destructive ways and, after getting help, finding some sort of clarity, only to immediately doubt the positives speaks volumes to me. I know exactly what that’s like. It’s not to say that I’ve never known positivity in my life (after all, I’m still here) but when you’re both pent up and shut down for nearly over 18 years, it takes its toll on you. The saying “It’s always the quiet ones” has a lot more to do with suffering in silence instead of just the ones who’ll snap the loudest. It’s taken me years to get to a point where I don’t feel completely disgusted with myself and can honestly open up to those who love me and whom I truly love. It’s a lot of pain to get through but, slowly but surely, I am getting there with help. The hardest thing I’ve had to force myself to accept is that unconditional love be damned, the ones whom you want to understand you most, may never be able to even when you beat them over the head with everything that you are. That’s probably my biggest pet peeve because it feels like I’m not only being ignored but that my interests, my career, my very being are being cast aside because they don’t get it and even when I tell them REFUSE TO TRY TO. I feel outright discarded and used when this happens especially when I used to always listen to them and all of their problems (Note: I was about 10-12 having to console adults) and let them take their frustrations out on me however they saw fit (Note: Took me years to figure out that this wasn’t normal, much less abuse) For a while when something positive did come my way, I’d question it. Heavily. “Why is he being so nice? Why am I being treated with such kindness? Why are these people listening to me so intently? Am I really that interesting or are they just pretending so they can all talk shit about me once I leave? Why did she say I look nice? Does she feel sorry for me or just lying?” The list goes on & on.
It’s normal to doubt new perspectives on your views and question how you came to those conclusions and how they’ll affect you going forward if they even do at all. What’s not normal, is seeing that new perspective and wanting to retreat back to what’s unhealthy and toxic because that’s your normal and that feels safe to you. It shouldn’t. It’s not normal to want to destroy yourself, it’s not normal to think that you deserve less or nothing and it’s not normal to deny yourself happiness and the help to obtain it. That last panel damn near had me in tears because I completely understand where Ruth is coming from: She’s reached an epiphany (by whatever means) even within all the BS, and can now see a new horizon for something better for herself…but because of said past BS fear takes over and she wants to retreat back into the darkness where she feels comfortable, even if it means she slowly lets herself rot from the inside out. Yes, Ruth is medicated, but not so medicated that she’s lost her sense of self, hence why she doubts the peacefulness and there’s also her therapy sessions that may also be playing a role on top of that. I know it sounds like I’m reaching, but this is what it looks like to me, someone who’s said these same words to herself and felt this same way (although for different reasons) and I can relate to Ruth on that level (and that level alone) because of it.
With time, I’ve learned that help works. Some need more, others less, but help works. I’m still coming to terms with a lot of things from my jacked up past, but I’m not holding back anymore. I’ve gotten brave enough to trust those who love me with my broken ways and at the same time, have learned to love my shattered self, jagged edges, cracks, holes and all and let the imperfections be as much a part of me as the pieces themselves are.
Like I said, I didn’t think I’d be writing a wall-o-text, but that last panel…damn it Willis…and thank you :’)
I’m sorry you went through all that and glad that you’re finding a way forward.
I have to say that some antidepressants do work that fast for some people, even on low doses. It was shockingly fast for me, and after about 6 months of being a different person and having a mini-puberty-rehash (I’ve been depressed 15 years, since I was around 13), I am more myself than I’ve been in years. You are just the chemicals your brain throws around, throw one in that hasn’t been there in a while and you’ll get something else completely for a while!
A lot of the people sharing their experiences with depression are saying that they were weirded out or even scared when their treatment started working.
I just want to say that you have my sympathy (via light non-physical contact, if you want). My depression episodes were the most hellish things I’ve ever gone through, and I latched on to any sense of normality that my treatment granted me. I can hardly even imagine what it would’ve been like to fear that sense of normality to the point that I’d settle for hell.
same as it ever was
same as it ever was
same as it ever was
So on an unrelated and lighter note, my attempt at getting into non-Beast Wars Transformers stuff has lead me to Transformers Prime.
It’s pretty good. It’s boring for the first few episodes and the human cast outside of Raph feels unnecessary at best and an active hindrance at worst, Miko is just terrible all the time while Jack is merely Standard Protagonist with relatable.exe programmed in, and holy crap is this grim. I can’t believe they showed this to kids. Plus the depiction of Unicron in this is really cool, if low-key compared to other versions.
I like it well enough, though. I like how it knows that Optimus is going to be the same guy across every form of media so it gives more focus to Arcee and Bulkhead, the best characters, and Starscream, Knock Out and Breakdown are surprisingly endearing for villain characters.
I should read MTMTE and Windblade at some point.
I would recommend MTMTE and Windblade, but I DON’T THINK SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T LOVE MIKO DESERVES THEM
It’s not my fault she’s boring! Bulkhead deserves better!
Miko’s the best character on the show! Everyone else is boring! She’s, like, the only character who actually wants to BE there and is HAVING FUN.
Hey! Stop this, the two of you! How dare you bicker like this?
*orders pizza and soda, and brings out the snacks before settling on his Imperial Recliner Throne to watch this internet geek fight*
All right, you may now continue.
May I have some, sir?
How dare you! Knock Out is a blessing! Arcee is the best! Optimus… okay Optimus literally just says heroic things and nothing else.
Miko almost dies like every other day but has no grasp of that! Jack and Raph think giant robots are cool but also they get weirded out when they nearly get crushed by Skyquake in a hell dimension!
Miko’s just, like, a walking gag. Fowler can do silly things and it’s funny because it exists in relation to this regular human dude barking at giant robots. It’s like if Rattrap was nothing but sarcastic quips, even when Dinobot dies in front of him.
Granted, Prime gets stupidly dark at times, especially with Airachnid who is basically just Turantulas with none of the fun. I just don’t think Miko’s antics ever really like, contributed to alleviating that darkness so much as horribly clashing against it.
TBH I kinda wish they rolled all three kid characters into Raph and just had him do everything. If I watched this when I was younger then the super brainy kid who’s best friends with Bumblebee and can do computers better than big giant robot who sound like my dad would have been my go-to wish fulfillment character.
miko is my god
i pray to her every night
Should I be surprised that Robin likes RD?
That’s how treatment for depression works. Nothing ever actually goes away, but meds and therapy let you at least see out of the darkness sometimes.
And anyone who says meds are unnecessary or that a person on meds just isn’t trying hard enough can FITE ME. I definitely would be dead right now without meds.
Billie should get some meds too. It can really do wonders
Ah the art of co-dependance. Billie needs her to be depressed so she can care for her, so she walks into her rooms and helps remind her she’s not supposed to trust the system… Sometimes our friends are, unintentionally, our worst enemies.
Gotdammit, Billie, you’re not helping.
nailed how antidepressants and anti anxiety pills feel
i need them but i dont trust it, im too suspicious, this cant be right