I don’t actually think she’ll tilt like she tilted at Joe. Look at her face – she looks surprised, sure, but it’s more sadness than anger. I don’t think she’ll snap – at least not *at* Joyce and Walky.
Everyone knows, the best thing to in any horror movie is give the main villain a swift kick to the jewels, and if that doesn’t work, always remember to double tap.
Bunch of college kids decide to take a summer elective to get it out of the way between semesters/quarters – turns out to be a film studies class with a focus on ‘Horror and Suspense’ tropes. The very creepy/strange/spacey professor that has been there for decades is absent most days and most sessions are lead by the sexy/hunky summer teaching assistant just hired by the department. This has the effect of getting the classmates of the opposite gender (even some of the same gender – hey, it’s the 21st century) something to focus on in an otherwise boring summer class.
Couple of weeks in, a classmate dies in a drunk driving accident – but nobody (including the audience) thinks anything of it, since “Hey, it’s college, people get drunk and do stupid things”. It’s business as usual for another week or two. Different movie tropes (and their subversions) are discussed and tested on. The whole time, classmates are complaining about how stupid the class is, threatening to drop the class. Eventually, a couple of people stop showing up – “oh well, guess they decided to drop the class”… couple more days, then another gone… and another… [You get the idea]
The class realizes that some of those gone are missing ‘everywhere’, not just in class. It’s a summer class session – these kids didn’t go home – so noone is expecting them, noone else notices they’re missing – the few with actual jobs have bosses that assume the kids just decided to not show up since it was probably a crappy job anyways. Finally, one of the students who ‘dropped the class’ turn up dead and is determined to have already been dead for quite a while, but havign no credible leads, motives, or suspects, the case goes cold. All the while, the few lectures that the professor is actually present for get stranger and darker every time – some eerily similar to recent real-life events. The students begin to suspect some very foul deeds afoot with the crazy old prof. “Could this really be happening?” they ask each other. They decide to get to the bottom of things, the summer session is almost over, and who knows what unsafe things could happen once a full student body returns for the new school year. The remaining few classmates head to the crazy old professor’s last known address in the public record only to find traces of other ‘missing’ classmates in the form of distinctive backpacks and even a laptop/smart phone that’s immediately recognized by the group – Shit just got real – one by one the several of the remaining classmates are killed off using the most overused and unimaginative tropes possible, until they find the crazy old professor dead in the home-office. “Guess the prof realized we figured it out and decided to end it once and for all… the jig was up… no going back” The very shaken-up kids called the police in, and they ruled it a murder-suicide.
*Cut to the last day of class a few weeks later*
The kids are taking their final exam for the film class with the teaching assistant overseeing the remainder of the class course. The camera slowly pans around the room, witnessing the students busy with the lengthy exam – when one student slowly comes to a stop and begins looking around at the rest of the student still steady in the exam taking. A horrible realization can be visibly seen in the student, still looking around. The student and the assistant locks eyes… [ZOMG it can’t be?!]. The student slowly rises and approaches the assistants desk – (surely it’s safe when there’s all these other witnesses…?)
‘Why?’ the student whispered.
‘I am here to teach kids – there is a no more noble calling than that’ the assistant whispered in return.
‘You can’t stop me from going to the police with this – there’s nothing you can say or give to stop me’ the student threatened in a low voice.
‘I’ve gotten too good at this’ the assistant said with a knowing smile. ‘You can’t seriously think this is the first class I’ve done this with?… besides, I have no intention of GIVING you anything… only that which you’ve earned.’
‘Earned?…’
‘Your A+… and the reward of freedom from this ‘lesson learned’ – forever.’
‘What about the rest of them?’ the student indicated to the rest of the class.
‘They’ll soon understand, that learning is lifelong – or rather, ‘lifeshort’ – and that it’s doesn’t stop simply because the class bell rings for the day.
*sudden break to black … a school bell rings… silent credits begin to roll*
If it can be seen, done, or imagined, somebody out there has a kink for it. It’s a pretty, public-but-secluded location, plus sacrilege: in the scheme of kinks, this one practically makes sense.
Maybe due to a subconscious connection between life and death? That seeing all those markers of those who have passed elicits a desire to have sex, i.e. the act that can create life?
screw packing hit im either going to be packing a proton pack or barring that a nuke. the proton pack will allow me to defend myself and the nuke will let me be all “oh hey spooky evil ghost/zombie/nightmare dude click boom”.
But what if it ain’t a ghost. Would a proton pack do to a crazed serial killer?
Actually, would a proton pack be able to kill people? It’s basically a nuclear powered laser cannon, right? Could you use one to fry somebody?
The top 5 rules of how to survive a horror movie:
1. Always pack heat (As stated above)
2. Don’t go off by yourself
3. If you do go off by yourself, don’t go in the woods
4. If you do go in the woods, don’t make out in the woods
5. If you do make out in the woods, at least make sure you don’t do it in a car. Cars and lip-locking in the woods attract chainsaw-wielding murderers like Billie and Jacob attract women
It’s called “masturbation”, and if Joyce (or at least Joyce’s parents) are writing the script, it will probably get you killed as well. Or at least you’ll get your hands chopped off, though more as prevention than as punishment.
Does masturbation really count as making out? I like my makeouts to be a little more fondly and kissy than what generally happens during masturbation. And the thought of kissing myself is just… eugh.
While packing a small, concealable weapon may not hurt you got to remember a good proportion of movie killers are immune to bullets or will go for the person with the gun first to render the rest of the group helpless.
There’s a twisted part of me that likes to imagine that when Ethan vanished in a puff of smoke because she suggested getting one, he actually ran off to buy one.
Now Joyce is going to go off on a rant about how immoral Dorothy and Walky are and how their innocence is a precious thing and they shouldn’t defile their bodies…and then Ethan is going to come back and say “Here it is! I found a glittery one since I know you like that sort of thing.”
I would think that Joyce might go for it (strictly speaking it doesn’t involve any genitals, so it isn’t technically hanky-panky), but Ethan wouldn’t (or would, but couldn’t), because Joyce is a little too feminine for his liking.
Sierra was the first to find out (if “before it happened” counts), possibly followed by Joe (if he knew who was behind the door), followed by Dina. Joyce is third at best.
Man my head goes weird places. Now all I can think about is a slipshine meta-fictional story where one of their friends logs onto the site and uses Walky Performs a Sex for some solo fun time, if you know what I mean.
You know what the strap-on thing was the best joke we’ve ever gotten mileage out of, now I just want her to keep asking people until she finds out or she finds someone that actually has one.
Part of the fun is how Leslie handles it. However, she’ll probably explain what a strap-on is, but then answer the second part of the question with, “only your boyfriend can answer the why he’d like you better with a strap-on.” That’s the sensible way of fielding the question, but not particularly funny.
We don’t know that for sure. Much as in the Schrodinger and his box, we have no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead until it is removed from the bag. Hence the value of the cat may be positive or negative.
Joe and Roz for lots of sex, Dana for drugs, Billie for being a drunk (also she’s still a cheerleader in her own mind, and they don’t last either).
As for the killer, I’m not sure. Mike? Too obvious. Who fits the profile of a slasher villain?
We’re looking for someone no one would suspect. Someone capable of moving with great silence, as slashers do. And hiding behind objects. Psychologically, they would have difficulty relating to people, a sure sign of burgeoning psychopathy. And possibly wearing some iconic form of clothing; most of the great horror villains wear some recognizable uniform, like Jason’s mask or Freddy’s glove.
Even the genre aware will miss it. Just when they think it is their turn, they get ready and throw the door open… and nobody is there. But when they let their guard down and close the door, Dina is behind it!
Dina could be the killer. She wouldn’t even understand the consequences of what she’s doing. “When the blood comes out, they stop talking. This is why I prefer dinosaurs. Fossils don’t bleed.”
I agree. That was an obvious description of Dina.
– nobody would suspect her
– there’s been more than one episode of “you’ve been there that whole time?!”
– she’s got difficulties understanding people
– iconic form of clothing – just look.
Amber tries to sneak on Dina to immobilize her, but slips on all the blood, is knocked to the ground and dazed. Dina slowly approaches with a sharpened, bloodied fossil bone… pats Amber on the head, says “Sympathy via light physical contact”, and walks off.
I’d love to see Wills do a full blown ‘for real’ Amazi Girl comic.
A few universes over so it’s ‘all new, all different’ from the DoA-verse but we could see how Amber embraced being a ‘real’ super-hero and how her life would have unfolded as a result.
And if it’s too much a burden for your weekly schedule, maybe as a one shot special for sale in the store and if it does well see what happens next?
Honestly, it’d probably be a fair point if you were. Horror movies do not tend to reflect a tolerant worldview towards non-heterosexual types. I can only think of one horror movie that has ever had a gay protagonist, and in that, she was also the murderer because being gay for her best friend drove her insane and caused her to horribly kill the friend’s family and kidnap her.
(in fairness, I haven’t seen that many, because every time I try to watch one, it has some BS karmic backlash against sexuality that pisses me off and I don’t watch any for awhile, so maybe I’ve just had crappy luck.)
I vote Billie for killer. The stresses of living in a world specifically designed to make her lose her shit in hilarious ways finally break her, and she ends up stalking the halls in her DRAGO uniform with a butcher’s knife.
There are way too many candidates to the killer’s position in the supposedly college comedy…
Wait, didn’t Scream teached us that there may be more than just one lone killer ? What if they all are ?
Explain to me how that would work. Like, would they all be trying to kill each other and also not get killed at the same time? Or would they form killer alliances and try to kill the other killers before they’re killed themselves?
They all agreed to a schedule in which one person from the group will try to kill the rest, and if they’re unable to within a set timeframe, then it goes to the next person.
If we’re going with horror movie tropes, then I think Joyce’s brother/sister would be the killer because don’t horror movies in general portray trans individuals as horrible misfits and evil people?
“The information hits Joyce in the brain, somehow missing the skull in the process. Joyce is unable to make the next urination roll. Everyone turns to rapists and/or grows eyeballs on their genitals.”
Joyce is the perfect slasher serial weirdo horror killer. Who’d suspect her.
“I had to do it, they were committing premarital hanky panky”
Who’d think of sex in a graveyard? Check out the Victorian Age and the 1800s American scene. While not necessarily big on the sex scene, the quite and well cared for graveyards often found young people strolling through the shrubbery for a bit of “piece” and quiet. As graveyards were often landscaped and sculpted, families met there for picnics among the peace and quiet and to ‘visit’ with the departed.
Horror movie no-no’s:
-the girl alone in the house with no lights goes down in the cellar to ‘investigate that odd noise”………..
-the guy leaves the room and his naked girlfriend to ‘just run downstairs for a cold beer for them”, 15 minutes later she goes to investigate……
-a sudden storm forces teens into an old abandoned campsite where tales tell of a deranged counciller who wiped out the campers years ago and…..
-any girl or guy who panics and charges off into the woods, cellar, storm….
-any time the group decides to ‘split up to cover more ground’…….
-any hitchhiker picked up along a dark deserted road…..
… Sooooo, we’re about to watch Joyce’s brain break into a million tiny pieces and then for her to start talking about the cragged shame-pits of the lust wolves again, aren’t we?
I kind of hope Joyce just stares a bit then chokes down whatever is building inside her. She already knows Dorothy isn’t following the same path she is and doesn’t believe the same things.
Joyce is going to freak out on the both of them for being impure, or she missed that entire monologue because .2 seconds after stating they missed math she realized what a strap on is and her brain is on the way to burying her consciousness into a fantasy realm of bibles and plush bears and ending up in that catatonic state I theorized yesterday.
I like it when Walky casually shows that yes, he has been paying attention. I suspect this little analysis of horror movies came from the gender studies class. Or possibly TvTropes.
Ok now the stupid cookie-tracking side ad is telling me to move to the place I already live at. Can’t you just advertise anime and other webcomics like everyone else? -_-
That’s something that always bothered me about slasher movies. Just once I’d like to see a slasher movie where virgins get slaughtered and only sexually active people are safe.
I believe that Dorothy is going to miss a bit more than her “Math Class”, she’s also going to miss her period. David has been building to her eventual pregnancy for a long time. She’s got too much ambition and plans for the future to have kids, so what else do you do to mess with a character like that? Well played Mr. Willis, well played…
Yeah, ’cause, “I’m going to punish this woman for her ambition and her premarital sex by saddling her with an unwanted pregnancy, despite her belt-and-suspenders approach to birth control,” totally sounds like something David Willis would be plotting.
Anyway, Dorothy’s easy to mess with; as illustrated today, she’s neurotic as hell. Suggest that maybe she’s not doing the absolute best she possibly could be and she freaks right the fuck out. That’s half the reason I think she and Walky are great together; he’s getting her to mellow out and relax a little. The other half is that she’s getting him to mellow out and relax a little less.
That kind of plot twist would not only be completely out of character for Willis (he’s mentioned repeatedly that Dorothy’s ambition is not a character flaw) but useless in the time vortex that is DoA. DoA is never going to end, their progression will be limited, if Dorothy was made pregnant she’d be pregnant forever.
I agree with everything you said here, except one small statement. I think if Dorothy got pregnant, she’d have an abortion. Therefore she wouldn’t actually be pregnant forever. But I recognize you were mostly referring to the time-dilation that means that three days can take three years in DoA.
My experience as a fundie was a little different from Joyce’s. I remember being specifically taught not to be shocked by the sexual immortality of the unsaved. It was fellow Christians, who should know better, who should be rebuked, and shunned if they failed to repent of their sin. There’s a specific Bible passage to that effect, but I have no desire dig out my old Bible.
I wonder if Dorothy’s ever gonna recognize that her being valedictorian probably had at least something to do with having had a boyfriend who actually gave a shit about her goals and values and supported her in doing them.
I also wonder if Dorothy ever considered that her obsession with NEVER missing class EVER has something to do with her being at IU and hoping to transfer instead of at Yale. The valedictorian I mentioned is at Cornell, but just having good grades at some random high school in the south didn’t get him there. He had extracurricular and service stuff too.
30 years ago I knew young innocent whose parents were missionaries in Papua New Guinea…at least they weren’t fundamentalists. Fortunately for her she wasn’t wound nearly as tight as Joyce. In less than a year she was giving nose jobs while playing quarters and had the best luck with rim jobs…uh, that’s not what it sounds like “rim job” in that context was the name of a rule while playing quarters. And things just went as awkward as the day we had to explain.
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Smooth, Walkerton.
Dem virgin ears doe.
While he has her attention, would now be a good time for him to enlighten her as to the meaning of “strap-on?”
Yeah, Walky. Way to break Joyce.
You can almost see the war going on behind her eyes.
The war is losing, her eyebrows are retreating to the heavens.
Here it comes. Those four words. Or is it three? Is “pre-marital” one word or two?
Well Pre- isn’t a word. It’s a “Pre”-fix. So…one.
If it’s hyphened, one.
Three words. And something tells me they’re going to be CAPS LOCK BOLD
I would argue that “hanky-panky” is a compound word similar to “topsy-turvy” and thus Joyce’s signature phrase is actually only two words.
Hear, hear!
Pass the popcorn; this is gonna be good!
11th post is pass-the-popcorn. I’m disappointed in you all, I thought for sure it’d be sooner.
If she decides to say it in German it’ll be all one word. Like “premaritalhankypanky”, only German-er.
Premaristraßhankenpanken?
I imagined a German voice saying “hankenpanken” and now I can’t stop laughing.
Not to be confused with “slobben ze knobben”.
so without looking that up, here’s my thought process:
slobben = slobber
ze = the
knobben = knob
slobber the knob = suck the dick
+1
Finden Sie das nicht einen etwas absonderlichen Ausdruck für vorehelichen Geschlechtsverkehr?
Ja, ja es ist. Aber dann wieder, das ist Joyce für Sie.
Yup, Joyce yells P.M.H.P. at the top of her lungs, then points at Dorothy and Walky and emits a high pitched scream.
.
.
.
.
.
(ie: last scene of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.)
I don’t actually think she’ll tilt like she tilted at Joe. Look at her face – she looks surprised, sure, but it’s more sadness than anger. I don’t think she’ll snap – at least not *at* Joyce and Walky.
I would actually enjoy a college class on how to not die in a horror movie.
I have a book called the Horror Movie Survival Guide that would make a great textbook.
Jamie Lee Curtis and Heather Langenkamp would make great guest lecturers.
Count your losses and don’t look around for your friend in the spooky haunted house. Just go home and try to forget them.
But don’t like 40% of deaths in horror movies happen in peoples’ homes after the first victim is down?
Isn’t that just a setup for their ghost to get vengence on you in the sequal or something like that?
Depends on if it’s a slasher-type horror movie or a paranormal one.
Of course I suppose if it were the former, then some relative or boy/girlfriend could try to kill you to get revenge.
So the professor can blow the class off and have you sit through the Scream movies? It’s…semi-educational in this context…almost.
That would either make it a Film Study course or some kind of Lit class, I think.
Horror Survival 101.
Our first lecture will be on dark places, and how to not go near them.
having the first class near midnight in one such dark and spooky place is mandatory…
Everyone who shows up is automatically deducted 20 points from their grade.
“I could have just killed you all! Didn’t you read the summer reading!?”
Summer reading for a college class? Fuck that, I’d rather take on the homicidal prof. At least that’d be excitin’.
“And you two in the back, stop making out!” (Revs chainsaw)
Someone PLEASE make this a thing. 😀
Everyone knows, the best thing to in any horror movie is give the main villain a swift kick to the jewels, and if that doesn’t work, always remember to double tap.
“Wolfman’s got ‘nads!”
Fuck yeah Monster Squad. That Wolfman Nard Kick was a defining moment of my childhood.
I never even saw it. I just saw a TV ad for it that included that line like three million times.
Okay… here goes.
Bunch of college kids decide to take a summer elective to get it out of the way between semesters/quarters – turns out to be a film studies class with a focus on ‘Horror and Suspense’ tropes. The very creepy/strange/spacey professor that has been there for decades is absent most days and most sessions are lead by the sexy/hunky summer teaching assistant just hired by the department. This has the effect of getting the classmates of the opposite gender (even some of the same gender – hey, it’s the 21st century) something to focus on in an otherwise boring summer class.
Couple of weeks in, a classmate dies in a drunk driving accident – but nobody (including the audience) thinks anything of it, since “Hey, it’s college, people get drunk and do stupid things”. It’s business as usual for another week or two. Different movie tropes (and their subversions) are discussed and tested on. The whole time, classmates are complaining about how stupid the class is, threatening to drop the class. Eventually, a couple of people stop showing up – “oh well, guess they decided to drop the class”… couple more days, then another gone… and another… [You get the idea]
The class realizes that some of those gone are missing ‘everywhere’, not just in class. It’s a summer class session – these kids didn’t go home – so noone is expecting them, noone else notices they’re missing – the few with actual jobs have bosses that assume the kids just decided to not show up since it was probably a crappy job anyways. Finally, one of the students who ‘dropped the class’ turn up dead and is determined to have already been dead for quite a while, but havign no credible leads, motives, or suspects, the case goes cold. All the while, the few lectures that the professor is actually present for get stranger and darker every time – some eerily similar to recent real-life events. The students begin to suspect some very foul deeds afoot with the crazy old prof. “Could this really be happening?” they ask each other. They decide to get to the bottom of things, the summer session is almost over, and who knows what unsafe things could happen once a full student body returns for the new school year. The remaining few classmates head to the crazy old professor’s last known address in the public record only to find traces of other ‘missing’ classmates in the form of distinctive backpacks and even a laptop/smart phone that’s immediately recognized by the group – Shit just got real – one by one the several of the remaining classmates are killed off using the most overused and unimaginative tropes possible, until they find the crazy old professor dead in the home-office. “Guess the prof realized we figured it out and decided to end it once and for all… the jig was up… no going back” The very shaken-up kids called the police in, and they ruled it a murder-suicide.
*Cut to the last day of class a few weeks later*
The kids are taking their final exam for the film class with the teaching assistant overseeing the remainder of the class course. The camera slowly pans around the room, witnessing the students busy with the lengthy exam – when one student slowly comes to a stop and begins looking around at the rest of the student still steady in the exam taking. A horrible realization can be visibly seen in the student, still looking around. The student and the assistant locks eyes… [ZOMG it can’t be?!]. The student slowly rises and approaches the assistants desk – (surely it’s safe when there’s all these other witnesses…?)
‘Why?’ the student whispered.
‘I am here to teach kids – there is a no more noble calling than that’ the assistant whispered in return.
‘You can’t stop me from going to the police with this – there’s nothing you can say or give to stop me’ the student threatened in a low voice.
‘I’ve gotten too good at this’ the assistant said with a knowing smile. ‘You can’t seriously think this is the first class I’ve done this with?… besides, I have no intention of GIVING you anything… only that which you’ve earned.’
‘Earned?…’
‘Your A+… and the reward of freedom from this ‘lesson learned’ – forever.’
‘What about the rest of them?’ the student indicated to the rest of the class.
‘They’ll soon understand, that learning is lifelong – or rather, ‘lifeshort’ – and that it’s doesn’t stop simply because the class bell rings for the day.
*sudden break to black … a school bell rings… silent credits begin to roll*
*applause for Kyrros*
“Mr. Bradsaw, will you stand up, please?”
Just like my Tuesday activities
Ironically, most homicides happen in well-lit areas.
Makes sense, it’s harder to kill someone you cannot see properly after all.
Of course, you cant forget get the lecture on how to run away without tripping over thin air. That always drives me crazy in horror films!
What if a horror movie villain attended the class in disguise and learned all the same stuff you did?
You mean there could be another motive to attending this course?
PMHP
People Must Has Pizza?
Purchase More Health Potions?
Pimp My Humongous Pig?
Prime Minister Harry Potter?
…That last one sounds like a good fanfic idea.
Pimp my Honda Pilot
http://bossip.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/xzibit.png
Poke my hot Poop?
Pickles, mustard and ham on pumpernickel?
Can’t tell if that would be delicious or not…confused and hungry. Must investigate this.
Pig men hurt people?
PMHP’s Meaning Has Passed
Recursive, nice!
Permanent Mage HP?
Post-Modern Harry Potter?
Please Make Hippos Pee
Penguins Must Hate Pancakes
Pick More Harmful Pirates
Parrots Might Have Packages
I could go on for eternity
Please make her pregnant…?
Pre-marital hanky panky.
Thank you 🙂
Pokémon must hate pokeballs?
In Italian:
Praticamente Mi Hai Pedinato.
Dorothy and Walky will be the first ones to die when Joyce snaps.
Nah. She’ll take out Walky first and save Dorothy for last for betraying her or something.
Oh Joyce’s reaction face, I have missed you so. 😀
Just wait until she gets to a computer and google searches “Strap-On”
I know, I’m looking forward to it. ^_^
Oh she won’t need to Google, I mean Walky’s right there.
Someone will be using that as an avatar within six hours.
Oh, Joyce. Your eyebrows in panel 5.
They’re off to find another Fundie. One with less hethan friends.
Oh, snap. I didn’t notice that. Ha.
And then Joyce dies after realising she defended a fornicator to her parents.
Well maybe if they weren’t fucking in dark forests, old abandoned houses, and graveyards they wouldn’t get killed by spooky shit!
Just maybe.
Then they would be killed by non-spooky shit, like cars, or radiation. Or accidental auto-erotic asphyxiantion.
Or a twenty-foot shark.
“Twenty-five.”
Ya that brings up a question, who even has sex in any of those places especially a grave yard, what sick basterd gets turned on being around death.
Odd folk.
Necrophiliacs
The Grim Reaper.
Well, if you’re looking for a little privacy, can you think of someplace where there are fewer (living) people than in a cemetery after hours?
If it can be seen, done, or imagined, somebody out there has a kink for it. It’s a pretty, public-but-secluded location, plus sacrilege: in the scheme of kinks, this one practically makes sense.
Hot goth girls. Trust me on this.
Totally true.
+1
People who want to have sex on the grave of a hated enemy?
Not speaking from personal experience, just spitballin’.
Slayers.
Privacy. Of course it helps that the cemetery was right next to campus, and had paths that students used to get to a pub on the other side.
Maybe due to a subconscious connection between life and death? That seeing all those markers of those who have passed elicits a desire to have sex, i.e. the act that can create life?
Since when does anybody need an excuse to be turned on?
Stay classy, Walky
You can practically see her mind cracking apart in there. Like glass, but… crackier.
Then Joyce shouts “PREMARITAL HANKY PANKY!” and further announces her intentions to look into strap-ons. Best week ever.
Now is not the time to learn about horror movie logic!
Rule 1: If something weird is going down, start making sure you’re packing heat.
Rule 2. Don’t split up you dumb-asses. Stick together so you can double team that ghost.
screw packing hit im either going to be packing a proton pack or barring that a nuke. the proton pack will allow me to defend myself and the nuke will let me be all “oh hey spooky evil ghost/zombie/nightmare dude click boom”.
But what if it ain’t a ghost. Would a proton pack do to a crazed serial killer?
Actually, would a proton pack be able to kill people? It’s basically a nuclear powered laser cannon, right? Could you use one to fry somebody?
It certainly did enough damage to the scenery. Worst case scenario, get three and play a game of chicken.
It’s an accelerated proton beam, and a really powerful one at that. It would kill you one way or another (“another” being radiation poisoning).
The top 5 rules of how to survive a horror movie:
1. Always pack heat (As stated above)
2. Don’t go off by yourself
3. If you do go off by yourself, don’t go in the woods
4. If you do go in the woods, don’t make out in the woods
5. If you do make out in the woods, at least make sure you don’t do it in a car. Cars and lip-locking in the woods attract chainsaw-wielding murderers like Billie and Jacob attract women
If you’re by yourself though, how do you make out???
It’s called “masturbation”, and if Joyce (or at least Joyce’s parents) are writing the script, it will probably get you killed as well. Or at least you’ll get your hands chopped off, though more as prevention than as punishment.
Does masturbation really count as making out? I like my makeouts to be a little more fondly and kissy than what generally happens during masturbation. And the thought of kissing myself is just… eugh.
I love myself, I think I’m grand
I go to movies and hold my own hand
I slip my around my waist
I grope my boobs then slap my face.
Sorry. I meant to say split up
6. Be the killer.
Doesn’t the killer usually bite it in the end, after trying and failing to kill the chick who trips a lot?
But then who was sequel?
While packing a small, concealable weapon may not hurt you got to remember a good proportion of movie killers are immune to bullets or will go for the person with the gun first to render the rest of the group helpless.
Ah yes, the “Slut Gets Her Guts Ripped Out” school of horror film. Walky has obviously been paying extra attention in his gender studies class.
I believe this gif is appropriate: http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/THISGONBGUD.gif
I second this gif.
This never gets old.
Can’t believe I’m saying but thank you willis , I hopeing Joyce would be the first one to find out.
Also this is perfect at this point Joyce’s mind will completely break when she looks up what a strap on is.
There’s a twisted part of me that likes to imagine that when Ethan vanished in a puff of smoke because she suggested getting one, he actually ran off to buy one.
Now Joyce is going to go off on a rant about how immoral Dorothy and Walky are and how their innocence is a precious thing and they shouldn’t defile their bodies…and then Ethan is going to come back and say “Here it is! I found a glittery one since I know you like that sort of thing.”
Lol Hahaha, Willis PLEASE for sake of comedy please do this just once.
i am sure willis will definitely take suggestions from you
totally being serious here
I would think that Joyce might go for it (strictly speaking it doesn’t involve any genitals, so it isn’t technically hanky-panky), but Ethan wouldn’t (or would, but couldn’t), because Joyce is a little too feminine for his liking.
Joyce can’t use the shower when there’s a hair clump in the drain. No way she’s sticking anything in someone’s butt.
Are you saying there’s a hair clump in Ethan’s butt?
Like Sarah said, everyone keeps thinking Joyce is going to break, but she always pulls through.
That’s true!
“Pulls through” as in “snaps and tries to hurt people”.
Admittedly this has only happened twice that I recall (and once it was very justified!); I suppose it takes three times to become a habit.
Joyce? Sure you’re not thinking of Amber?
Or she’ll be relieved that it is a good item for not endangering her innocence/virtue/pickyourcacophemism.
Sierra was the first to find out (if “before it happened” counts), possibly followed by Joe (if he knew who was behind the door), followed by Dina. Joyce is third at best.
When did Dina find out?
She was behind the door the whole time.
That is revealed in “Walky performs a sex”.
(But the short answer is “during”.)
She’s gonna blow! Duck and cover, DUCK AND COVER!
Dorothy already blew. That’s why Joyce is reacting like this now!
http://instantrimshot.com/
Man, if Joyce finds out that Dorothy wasn’t a virgin that’ll blow her mind even further.
I don’t think she’d be surprised that Walky was though.
She was in the room when Dorothy mentioned she wasn’t.
But was she paying attention, or was she still too busy yelling at Joe?
Joyce’s brain is just gonna continue to crumble today.
Obviously Joyce doesn’t have a Slipshine account.
About as likely a Joe visiting an abstinence site. (unless there were some hot abstinence girls)
Abstinence site? Is…is that a THING?
http://www.abstinence.net/
You never fail to deliver on the Christian Fundamentalist What the Fuck.
…Huh. Well, thanks Willis, I guess?
you are a treasure trove of weird ass shit, mr. willis
I wonder if there is a drinking game based around exploring abstinence sites?
“Abstinence Clearinghouse” sounds like they’ve got a bunch of abstinence that they’re trying to get rid of cheap.
“Come to our end of season fire sale! EVERYTHING must go! Our prices are SO CRAAAAAAZY you’d be mad to abstain from buying!!!!!”
Sort of like the opposite of ‘cock ring warehouse’ (google it)
I am so not googling that.
But I mean in the sense that we could send Mike in with a roll of nickels and he’d clear all that abstinence right out for them.
Unintentional perviness, gotta love it: (crap it won’t paste the URL)
T-shirt that says, “Pet your DOG, not your date”.
I’ll assume that abstinence sites are internet dating sites for fundies.
I like to think that Joe would accidently visit the Absinthe site instead.
>Obviously Joyce doesn’t have a Slipshine account.
NICE
Man my head goes weird places. Now all I can think about is a slipshine meta-fictional story where one of their friends logs onto the site and uses Walky Performs a Sex for some solo fun time, if you know what I mean.
MASTURBATION!
Well so much for Joyce’s dream to tap her ass first then. 😀
What just Dorothy? Secretly I thought she wanted to have a three way with both of them.
Well, I don’t think Walky went for the butt, so Joyce could still tap her literal ass first. It’ll help her practice for Ethan.
She needs her size 6 strap-on first though. 😀
You know what the strap-on thing was the best joke we’ve ever gotten mileage out of, now I just want her to keep asking people until she finds out or she finds someone that actually has one.
I wonder how long before Mike explains it to her (in great detail) just to watch her break.
That’s another thing she should ask about in Gender Studies. Leslie’ll set her, uh… straight.
I want to make a “friends of Dorothy” pun, but I can’t think of one.
Just as long as she doesn’t tell her to get bend!
Oh Walky. You’re so classy, you ooze class from every orifice.
I thought that was pus …
Refried beans.
We need to send a sample to pathology.
That would be Dorothy.
Nah, they used condoms.
So is Joyce going to the gender studies class and ask Leslie what a strap-on is?
“Professor Bean? What’s a strap-on, and why would my new boyfriend Ethan like me better if I wore one?”
Actually, I’d really like to see/read what happens next …
A strap-on? The most glorious invention ever.
I always saw Robin more as the strap-on person in their relationship
While the entire class is listening to there conversation, then you see walky and Dorothy confused and shock while Roz and joe are just cracking up…
Hahaha, my fucking sides are hurting just laughing.
Part of the fun is how Leslie handles it. However, she’ll probably explain what a strap-on is, but then answer the second part of the question with, “only your boyfriend can answer the why he’d like you better with a strap-on.” That’s the sensible way of fielding the question, but not particularly funny.
I’m pretty sure there’s a Slipshine comic that shows how she handles it, actually.
@Ancestral Hamster: “Actually, I’d really like to see/read what happens next …”
Leslie: “…The Aristocrats!” *jazz hands*
WALKY = CAT – BAG
For a second I read that as WALKY = CATBUG, though I don’t think Walky has Catbug’s level of situational awareness.
Dammit, now I want to see a DoA/Bravest Warriors crossover, and the internet tells me it doesn’t exist. 🙁
So Walky is what is left of a cat when you skin it to make a bag?!? 😉
I find the idea of a fan replacing every instance of Walky in DoA with a skinned, anthropomorphic cat far more hilarious than I probably should.
So WALKY + BAG = CAT?
Also,
BAG = CAT – WALKY
and
BAG² = CAT² – 2CATWALKY + WALKY²
which gives us
CATWALK = (CAT² + WALKY²) / 2Y
Solve for Y.
Sorry, made an error.
CATWALK = (CAT² + WALKY² – BAG²) / 2Y
We don’t know that for sure. Much as in the Schrodinger and his box, we have no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead until it is removed from the bag. Hence the value of the cat may be positive or negative.
Blue screen of death!
Blue screen of death!
I see Joyce as more familiar with the beach ball of death myself.
We can expect a Guru Meditation from her.
If she has to reboot hopefully it works out better than other reboots I’ve seen.
Okay, say Dumbing of Age was a horror movie. Who would be the first to die and who would be the lone survivor?
Joe and Roz for lots of sex, Dana for drugs, Billie for being a drunk (also she’s still a cheerleader in her own mind, and they don’t last either).
As for the killer, I’m not sure. Mike? Too obvious. Who fits the profile of a slasher villain?
We’re looking for someone no one would suspect. Someone capable of moving with great silence, as slashers do. And hiding behind objects. Psychologically, they would have difficulty relating to people, a sure sign of burgeoning psychopathy. And possibly wearing some iconic form of clothing; most of the great horror villains wear some recognizable uniform, like Jason’s mask or Freddy’s glove.
I can’t think of anyone.
YOU STOP IT RIGHT THIS FUCKING INSTANT
Daaaaaamn I had Not thought About the killer aaaaaahhhhh!
Dorothy, the sweater vest murderer!
Or Joyce and her hoodie dress of doom.
Joyce dresses everyone today! IN BLOOD
Even the genre aware will miss it. Just when they think it is their turn, they get ready and throw the door open… and nobody is there. But when they let their guard down and close the door, Dina is behind it!
Dina could be the killer. She wouldn’t even understand the consequences of what she’s doing. “When the blood comes out, they stop talking. This is why I prefer dinosaurs. Fossils don’t bleed.”
I agree. That was an obvious description of Dina.
– nobody would suspect her
– there’s been more than one episode of “you’ve been there that whole time?!”
– she’s got difficulties understanding people
– iconic form of clothing – just look.
*shiver*
If Dina were the killer, I’d make Amber the lone survivor. Being her roommate and all.
Amber tries to sneak on Dina to immobilize her, but slips on all the blood, is knocked to the ground and dazed. Dina slowly approaches with a sharpened, bloodied fossil bone… pats Amber on the head, says “Sympathy via light physical contact”, and walks off.
You have achieved victory, sir or ma’am.
You just described Faz. and Dina. Maybe it’s a team-up? They don’t get along unless they’re murderin’?
Dina is the obvious killer for a DoA slasher parody, it’s always the quiet one.
DINA!!! MAKE DINA THE VILLIAN IT’S PERFECT!!!!
Joyce and her iconic strap-on.
I like to imagine that kind of thing. The last survivor would either be Sarah, Mike or Amazi-Girl for toughness, or Joyce due to the innocence factor.
I guess the first one to go would be Ruth or Billie. Leslie also has something about her (and no, I am not picking girls who like girls on purpose).
Heck no, Ruth is the Strong Female Character who kicks all kinds of butt! Billie, the cheerleading love interest, gets fridged so Ruth can avenge her.
Agatha is the killer (due to sexual frustration). But only because we haven’t seen Ninja Rick yet.
Ninja Rick has canonically murdered a dude in the universe he appears in.
… Then again, I think a not-insignificant portion of the cast in the Walkyverse ended up killing people.
Ooh, or Jason could be the murderer. He’s British!
Even Joyce killed someone. It was in a psychotic episode brought about by being confronted with…human…sexuality…
Dorothy and Walky should start running now.
It wasn’t so much about being confronted with human sexuality as it was about being confronted with -her own-.
And she’s been confronted with that a few times now.
Ruth would beat the killer to death with his own bloody femurs!
OOOOOH! Amber is the killer and Amazi-Girl is the lone survivor!
If Amber starts killin’ people, it’s not a slasher flick. It’s just a gritty ’90s reboot of the Amazi-Girl comics.
I’d love to see Wills do a full blown ‘for real’ Amazi Girl comic.
A few universes over so it’s ‘all new, all different’ from the DoA-verse but we could see how Amber embraced being a ‘real’ super-hero and how her life would have unfolded as a result.
And if it’s too much a burden for your weekly schedule, maybe as a one shot special for sale in the store and if it does well see what happens next?
Honestly, it’d probably be a fair point if you were. Horror movies do not tend to reflect a tolerant worldview towards non-heterosexual types. I can only think of one horror movie that has ever had a gay protagonist, and in that, she was also the murderer because being gay for her best friend drove her insane and caused her to horribly kill the friend’s family and kidnap her.
This may be part of why I dislike horror movies.
(in fairness, I haven’t seen that many, because every time I try to watch one, it has some BS karmic backlash against sexuality that pisses me off and I don’t watch any for awhile, so maybe I’ve just had crappy luck.)
Nah, this is Willis, don’t forget, it will be one of the background characters nobody has paid any attention to.
I vote Billie for killer. The stresses of living in a world specifically designed to make her lose her shit in hilarious ways finally break her, and she ends up stalking the halls in her DRAGO uniform with a butcher’s knife.
There are way too many candidates to the killer’s position in the supposedly college comedy…
Wait, didn’t Scream teached us that there may be more than just one lone killer ? What if they all are ?
Explain to me how that would work. Like, would they all be trying to kill each other and also not get killed at the same time? Or would they form killer alliances and try to kill the other killers before they’re killed themselves?
They all agreed to a schedule in which one person from the group will try to kill the rest, and if they’re unable to within a set timeframe, then it goes to the next person.
If we’re going with horror movie tropes, then I think Joyce’s brother/sister would be the killer because don’t horror movies in general portray trans individuals as horrible misfits and evil people?
Dorothy: Not that
Walky: Oh right… you see horror is a type of genre in which fear is suppose to be generated for the consumer.
Dammit Walky, you’re going to break her. And just after she stood up for her atheist friend.
IDK I think Joyce will freak out more that it was WALKY who did the PMHP with Dorothy.
Joyce takes a 66 C Critical. She takes 8 damage per round and is stunned and unable to parry for 10 rounds.
What system is that?
FATAL
“The information hits Joyce in the brain, somehow missing the skull in the process. Joyce is unable to make the next urination roll. Everyone turns to rapists and/or grows eyeballs on their genitals.”
… It’s FATAL, isn’t everyone already a rapist in that godforsaken piece of trash masquerading as a game?
Sounds like role-master. (I think that was the name. Iron crown enterprises published it in the 1980’s)
Eyebrows. Who needs them anyway. Right, Joyce?
Uh oh, they broke her. Again.
Quick! Distract her! Tell her what a strap on is!
PREMARITAL HANKY PANKYYYYYYYY
Joyce is the perfect slasher serial weirdo horror killer. Who’d suspect her.
“I had to do it, they were committing premarital hanky panky”
Who’d think of sex in a graveyard? Check out the Victorian Age and the 1800s American scene. While not necessarily big on the sex scene, the quite and well cared for graveyards often found young people strolling through the shrubbery for a bit of “piece” and quiet. As graveyards were often landscaped and sculpted, families met there for picnics among the peace and quiet and to ‘visit’ with the departed.
Horror movie no-no’s:
-the girl alone in the house with no lights goes down in the cellar to ‘investigate that odd noise”………..
-the guy leaves the room and his naked girlfriend to ‘just run downstairs for a cold beer for them”, 15 minutes later she goes to investigate……
-a sudden storm forces teens into an old abandoned campsite where tales tell of a deranged counciller who wiped out the campers years ago and…..
-any girl or guy who panics and charges off into the woods, cellar, storm….
-any time the group decides to ‘split up to cover more ground’…….
-any hitchhiker picked up along a dark deserted road…..
… Sooooo, we’re about to watch Joyce’s brain break into a million tiny pieces and then for her to start talking about the cragged shame-pits of the lust wolves again, aren’t we?
I predict that within a week (real time) we will be treated to a reprise of “Do, Re, Mi” from “The Sound of Music”.
ON THE NEXT STRIP:
Joyce: PREMARITAL HANKY PANKY!!!
Code blue!
WE’RE LOSING HER! Quick! Play the sound of music!
Let’s go!
We need 10cc’s of Superbook fast!
I kind of hope Joyce just stares a bit then chokes down whatever is building inside her. She already knows Dorothy isn’t following the same path she is and doesn’t believe the same things.
or she blacks out, or both, I don’t know why but i’m really hoping for both…
Or she didn’t even hear Walky, because she just googled “strap-on”.
Joyce is going to freak out on the both of them for being impure, or she missed that entire monologue because .2 seconds after stating they missed math she realized what a strap on is and her brain is on the way to burying her consciousness into a fantasy realm of bibles and plush bears and ending up in that catatonic state I theorized yesterday.
If only Joyce had a strap-on to cover her ears.
Google Strap-On, now with earplugs.
I like it when Walky casually shows that yes, he has been paying attention. I suspect this little analysis of horror movies came from the gender studies class. Or possibly TvTropes.
Or he’s just -seen- horror movies.
Ok now the stupid cookie-tracking side ad is telling me to move to the place I already live at. Can’t you just advertise anime and other webcomics like everyone else? -_-
Well, this is Walkward.
Joyce Snaps and Sucks Like, A Billion Dicks
When did Walky turn into Abed?
CRAGGED SHAME PIT OF THE LUSTWOLVES!
I predict Joyce is disgusted, feels pressured to have sex and then Ethan turns her down and that causes their breakup.
Thank God.
Love that Joyce’s eyebrows are on their way to orbit.
Now, is Joyce just appalled at Walky’s talk on horror-movie plots or has she made the inference that they’ve rode the beast with two backs?
DANGER ZONE!
I like how, in three panels, Dorothy goes from killing him softly to just plain ready to murder Wally.
That’s something that always bothered me about slasher movies. Just once I’d like to see a slasher movie where virgins get slaughtered and only sexually active people are safe.
I’d like to see a slasher movie that doesn’t care who’s a virgin and who isn’t.
If I remember correctly, the girl who survived Friday the Thirteenth wasn’t a virgin, and I know she smoked.
There is one. It is called “Cherry Falls”
I believe that Dorothy is going to miss a bit more than her “Math Class”, she’s also going to miss her period. David has been building to her eventual pregnancy for a long time. She’s got too much ambition and plans for the future to have kids, so what else do you do to mess with a character like that? Well played Mr. Willis, well played…
But they used the amazi-condoms, confoms so strong that amazi-girl carries them around. If they had a kid, walky would name it david copperfeild!
That would mean waiting two to four weeks before she realizes she hasn’t got it yet, which means it won’t happen til 2018.
I think that this is awesome, my favourite WebComic covers only some weeks of time… in like 4-5 years of REAL time 😀
Wut.
Yeah, ’cause, “I’m going to punish this woman for her ambition and her premarital sex by saddling her with an unwanted pregnancy, despite her belt-and-suspenders approach to birth control,” totally sounds like something David Willis would be plotting.
Anyway, Dorothy’s easy to mess with; as illustrated today, she’s neurotic as hell. Suggest that maybe she’s not doing the absolute best she possibly could be and she freaks right the fuck out. That’s half the reason I think she and Walky are great together; he’s getting her to mellow out and relax a little. The other half is that she’s getting him to mellow out and relax a little less.
No.
That kind of plot twist would not only be completely out of character for Willis (he’s mentioned repeatedly that Dorothy’s ambition is not a character flaw) but useless in the time vortex that is DoA. DoA is never going to end, their progression will be limited, if Dorothy was made pregnant she’d be pregnant forever.
I agree with everything you said here, except one small statement. I think if Dorothy got pregnant, she’d have an abortion. Therefore she wouldn’t actually be pregnant forever. But I recognize you were mostly referring to the time-dilation that means that three days can take three years in DoA.
“… if Dorothy was made pregnant she’d be pregnant forever.”
Which would tend to balance things out, because in “Shortpacked” Robin was pregnant for what? Three weeks, tops?
Hello, you must be new here.
My face when seeing Joyce’s reactions.
GODDAMN IT WALKY.
This moments make me like joyce.
Walky went from “girls are stupid” to “have I casually mentioned I have a sex life?” pretty fast.
I think he went from “girls are stupid” to “look, I have a weenus”, that’s where I saw the change more clearly.
Damn you Willis, where is the “Horrified Joyce Face” I was anticipating? It had better be there tomorrow, and last at least 3 panels
My experience as a fundie was a little different from Joyce’s. I remember being specifically taught not to be shocked by the sexual immortality of the unsaved. It was fellow Christians, who should know better, who should be rebuked, and shunned if they failed to repent of their sin. There’s a specific Bible passage to that effect, but I have no desire dig out my old Bible.
DOA has the best elevating eyebrow physics.
I wonder if Dorothy’s ever gonna recognize that her being valedictorian probably had at least something to do with having had a boyfriend who actually gave a shit about her goals and values and supported her in doing them.
BUT HE’S ALL CLINGY N SHIT DANNY = THE WORST lol
Yeah Dorothy owes everything she does or is to having a guy who is this supportive of her goals and values.
It’s hilarious that you think that qualifies as unsupportive
“maybe you’ll change your mind” oh no
that monshtur
I was friends with my high school’s valedictorian. He missed plenty of classes, some intentionally, and did just fine.
I also wonder if Dorothy ever considered that her obsession with NEVER missing class EVER has something to do with her being at IU and hoping to transfer instead of at Yale. The valedictorian I mentioned is at Cornell, but just having good grades at some random high school in the south didn’t get him there. He had extracurricular and service stuff too.
This is Joyce’s punishment for wearing a hoodie dress.
30 years ago I knew young innocent whose parents were missionaries in Papua New Guinea…at least they weren’t fundamentalists. Fortunately for her she wasn’t wound nearly as tight as Joyce. In less than a year she was giving nose jobs while playing quarters and had the best luck with rim jobs…uh, that’s not what it sounds like “rim job” in that context was the name of a rule while playing quarters. And things just went as awkward as the day we had to explain.