Man, I wrote this punchline months before Frozen was released, in which Disney finally acknowledged the possibility of having exes, somewhat blunting the potency of the punchline. DAMN YOU FROZEN!
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Man, I wrote this punchline months before Frozen was released, in which Disney finally acknowledged the possibility of having exes, somewhat blunting the potency of the punchline. DAMN YOU FROZEN!
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Ah Joyce..no Disney?
Only the movies Jesus approves!
Like maybe…
http://www.shortpacked.com/2012/comic/book-14/01-deady-dearest/avengers/
Narnia would probably be approved since it’s Christian allegory.
…unless her parents don’t know it was written as Christian allegory and instead think it’s ripping off the Bible in a secular manner.
I did once have someone tell me that the Chronicles of Narnia were bad and wrong because Jesus wasn’t a lion.
Also, C.S. Lewis was a Catholic, which according to some religious people is as bad as being an atheist, if not worse.
C.S. Lewis was not a Catholic. he was Anglican, though he left the faith for many years, and only returned thanks in part to the influence of his friend JRR Tolkien, who was Catholic, and always hoped Lewis would eventually convert. Some of Lewis’s later allegorical writings lean more towards Catholic than Anglican doctrine.
I think he was atheist before Tolkien helped him convert.
Meh, Anglicanism is just a divorced king’s Catholicism.
It was at first, but under Elizabeth I it transitioned to be more Protestant in its doctrine.
I’d be more inclined to say the bible is bad because Jesus wasn’t a lion.
Jesus’ brother from another planet is a Lion. Is that close enough? 😉
I haven’t read the Chronicles and so I probably shouldn’t speak, but I wonder what Lewis was thinking about when he made a lion a Christ-like figure. I mean, lions are such huge pimps and jerks; really, whoever called the lion “King of the Jungle” clearly didn’t have a high concept of monarchy.
Moreso since Lions don’t even LIVE in the jungle, they live in the savanna.
Everyone knows the English thought lions were noble and perfect!
The book of Revelation uses “Lion of Judah” as a reference to Jesus… It could be related to that.
It’s been a while since I’ve read it, but I’m pretty sure Aslan is literally Jesus, just in the form he wears in Narnia. So, basically, according to the Narnia books, Jesus is a multiversal singularity, like Unicron or Primus.
Actually it fits into Christian iconography due to Jesus being referred to as “the lion of of the tribe of Judah”.
I don’t see how too many people would miss the context of it if they’re even remotely familiar with the Christ narrative.
There was a female editorial page columnist that said that if her parents had known that the Narnia Chronicles were Christian allegory, they would never have read them to her. This was published about the time the first big movie was made.
…The Small One! That’s a Disney film that should be Fundie Approved®!
And I guess Hunchback has God take vengeance on the villain at the end.
But “heathens” are made sympathetic…
Esmeralda sings a song to God though. I could see it getting by.
A god, yes. The Christian interpretation? That’s a shaky interpretation.
It also makes a religious leader the villain, so…
A Catholic religious leader, don’t forget.
In Disney’s version, Frollo is no longer technically a religious leader but a judge. They created a new character to be the benevolent head of the church just so the Christians didn’t get mad.
I’ve been meaning to ask this for a while, what is your current religious status? Whenever I meet someone in person who wasn’t allowed to watch disney movies as a kid because they showed happiness without God’s love, they tended to grow up to become strict atheists. Just curious.
That does make sense. I had a more lazi-fair religious upbringing and I still identify as Christian. Maybe what they say about the tight grip is true.
Wait, you mean there are actually a lot of people who’s parents wouldn’t let them watch FREACKING DISNEY MOVIES because they’re “sinful”? I got that Willis was from some crazy background, but like, you’re talking about that like it’s somewhat typical.
Please god tell me that I’m misinterpreting.
Happiness without god’s love is bad? WTF? It’s happiness! How can happiness be bad?
Well my parents were a lot like Dorothy’s, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask about this, but I have met people in my life who were Atheists because of their over bearing religious parents, and while my mom isn’t exactly atheist, I’d definitely say part of of the reason she raised me so casually religion wise is because of my extremely religious grandparents. I don’t know if they weren’t allowed to watch Disney movies, but frankly I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m guessing the reason happiness would be considered bad to a religious extremest would be because if your happy without God, that means you don’t need God, and just like that, you’re a gay atheist sleeping with 4 people at once shouting HAIL SATAN when you climax.
WHAT YOU MEAN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER DOESN’T HAPPEN WITHOUT WORK
LIES
I MEAN IT’S CRAZY
BLASPHEMY
MISANDRY
JUST BECAUSE ETHAN’S A GUY HE’S BEING BLAMED FOR SOMETHING
I CALL MISANDRY
No, he’s being blamed because he isn’t meeting Joyce’s unrealistic expectations for a guy in a relationship.
Unrealistic in that people can fall in love within 5 seconds or that in she’s trying to do this with a self-confessed gay dude?
Yes.
*Hits with Ki blast* WHAT DID I SAY?
I didn’t think you’d remember aaaah
I _THINK_ the “misandry” comment was a joke.
I mean an intentional joke. All comments claiming misandry and other MRA bullshit are jokes, but usually at the commenter’s expense.
I realized about three seconds after i hit post comment.
Then again, someone was bound to do the same thing.
He’s also being blamed for choosing to recloset himself and using Joyce as his beard.
So really it’s gaysandry.
(I just wanted to make that a word…)
The mis- part is what denotes hatred, the -andry part denotes dudes. Gaysandry would be … I dunno, something about being gay for dudes? Huh. I guess that kind of works?
Dammit, I’m tired, leave me alone. 😛
Homophobia should be called… *googles Greek word for homosexual*
…mysarsenocoity? Except that apparently would mean hatred for those who PRACTICE on their desires…
Mysarsenagapy?
Or I guess we could take the discrimination based on inherent sexuality and call that “agapism.” And discrimination against certain practiced sexualities would be “coitism.” …I’m beginning to doubt these coined words would mean what I want them to, though.
Though, dear Alt Text, I should add that I really like Care Bears II BECAUSE it emphasizes friendship and forgiveness over vanquishing the enemy.
Despite the “clap your hands if you BELIEVE!” element.
Clap your hands if you Believe in the lord and savior jesus christ
Clap your lesbians if your lesbian for Godoka
Just don’t make a big deal when Jesus doesn’t clap along. He’s self-conscious about how the holes in his hands make it sound wierd.
I find that sound quite holey.
::swish-clap!:: ::swish-clap!:: ::swish-clap!::
Anyone who can both whistle AND clap, using only their hands, simultaneously, could only be the second coming.
On the upside, you’d never get slapped by him, without prior notification.
I really liked Care Bears 2 because they were also so adorable as babies and also there was now a horse and cat and a dog care bear. That was very important when I was 9.
I hear what you are saying, but nothing beats Carebears 1. Creepy-face-in-a-book lady still scares the crap of me even now.
Actually, that face in the book reminds me of Sour Grapes from Strawberry Shortcake–it’s like they used the same model sheet =o (and same animators!)
_”WHAT YOU MEAN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER DOESN’T HAPPEN WITHOUT WORK”_
Well, better a naïve view of love than one that makes it sound like a startup company (“doesn’t happen without work”).
So has Joyce like never seen any romantic comedy ever?
Oh god, no. That would be WAY too raunchy for Joyce.
Now what would she experience if she watched ‘bo strings attached’…
She’d probably be screeching “Pre-Marital Hanky Panky” for a week.
Bo strings attached. Mr. Burnham’s new puppet show.
Why can I not find this on Google! It sounds hilarious!
Now i wish it was real.
I’m imaging Joyce watching When Harry Met Sally now so thank you for that.
I was thinking 40 year old Virgin. A movie Joyce would have liked up until the whole sex part.
I like to imagine that Joyce watched Romantic Comedies as a way of rebelling against her parents.
But that’s so evil! I dunno, I think Joyce rebelled by reading the bible after her curfew. Dun Dun Dun!
Plasma! You’re Susan tonight! 😀
YES and it’s HAMMER TIME! ^_^
Nobody wields a hammer like Susan! Make that two hammers!
Bum-bum-bum-bum, you can’t touch this.
That’s possibly a good thing- some of those films are REALLY not examples to live your life by. My favourite ever Onion headline (from about 10 years ago) is “Man Arrested for Romantic Comedy Behavior.”
I have most experience in this field from Disney movies.
Iit’s not really helping…
Wait… Then where?
Evangelical Christian movies/books/songs/etc.
Read that as Evangelion.
Now imagining horrifying DoA/Eva crossover.
“Joyce get in the fuckin’ robot.”
“Or the cute girl gets it.”
She’s easily replaced you can just get a new girl from the Dinaquarium.
“I’ve been cloning her for years.”
“But sir, cloning is illegal.”
“Oh, did I say cloning? I meant… boning. Yes, I’ve been BONING her for years.”
“Sir, that’s… that’s not really any better.”
Shinji is the whiniest Jesus ever.
Danny vs Shinji for most whiny and hated. This one’s too close to call.
Danny. Easily.
Shinji actually DOES some stuff at least.
Not even close if we use Rebuild! Shinji. Mostly because his angst is hard won. Not always an appropriate reaction, but…. Yeah.
Mike and Auska interacting would be worth it!
That would probably create a quantum singularity and swallow the planet.
Joyce’s face in Panel 2 reminds me of Ned’s Newt. I don’t know why.
FAAAAAACE!!!!!
(Sorry. But that panel 2 face is an instant classic.)
When you write hovertext like today’s, do people ever refer to it as strawman arguments or something? I know Joyce’s dialogue/behavior/character/history gets that allegation a lot, I wonder if your hovertext taken directly from your life gets the same allegation.
Sadly, probably.
It makes me feel old knowing that Willis was young enough to have his parents ban him from watching Care Bears.
*Remembers that Amber really it Ethan’s super ex-girlfriend.*
Bad Wonder wig! We do not mention that movie as a popular culture pun!
Imagines Amazi-Girl armed with a Great White Shark.
We know she’s seen Sound of Music…can’t get much more oooy goooy than that.
Racial persecution is appropriate but Disney movies are not.
I wonder if she was allowed to watch Pocahontas.
…wait no, that promotes non-Christian spirituality, doesn’t it. Never mind.
I’ve been trying to think of other musicles she might have been allowed to see. Flower Drum Song is out: promotes Eastern religion. So is A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum. Sweeny Todd is too bloody and promotes premarital hanky-panky. Cabaret=premarital hanky-panky. Cats=mystical non-JudeoChristian. Kiss Me Kate, possible. Fiddler On The Roof, possible. Into The Woods, too Disney. South Pacific, maybe. Showboat, possible. Frogs, out of the question.
Jesus Christ Superstar is, somewhat ironically, right out, and depending on which staging, for wildly different reasons.
Some of the shows and movies of my own evangelical christian youth include:
– Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
– Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
– Scooby Doo
– Almost any Christmas movie, though if it had Santa in it I was without fail given a lecture about how he was not real
– The Wizard of Oz (but I had to close my eyes during the part with the monkeys because they were too scary)
– Older Disney movies from before Disney started promoting sexual content in the 90s
So, assuming Joyce’s parents were as strict when she was 17 as mine were when I was 7, she’s probably seen stuff like that.
I’m wondering whether she’s ever seen West Side Story.
Based on Romeo and Juliet, written by Shakespeare, who used many fae and pagan gods in his works. Therefore, by the transitive property of sin, or somethine, West Side Story is the devil.
If she didn’t get her unrealistic views on marriage from Disney, where did she get them?
Some kind of Disney knockoff that’s Chick approved (Jack Chick that is).
Unlike Joe who is Chick approved (Roz Desanto that is.)
Unfortunately, probably her parents.
On the other hand, let’s face it, Ana is pretty much Joyce without the fundamentalism, so it kinda works out.
But Jocelyn doesn’t have ice powers (or does she?)
No, but she is hiding from the world based on the expectation of persecution. (Expectations that are perhaps more realistic and less self-inflicted than Elsa’s, but still!)
True. Guess that’s why the LGBT community likes her (Elsa) so much, from what I understand.
The fact that she’s a hardcore diva doesn’t hurt.
Absolutely. And a hardcore diva who is Idina Menzel more specifically 🙂
^ That.
So it’s not Adam and Eve, it’s Adam, Eve and Jesus AKA the Holy Sexual Trinity.
The wierdest threesome I’ve ever pictured.
Meh, not even in my top 50.
I’ve seen weirder. Be careful what fandoms you join…
Jesus is in the middle so he could love them both equally.
As a bisexual, I am all for loving Jesus and my girlfriend at the same time.
It’s Adam AND Eve, not Adam OR Eve!
Like the polyamory slogan: “Adam was made for Eve AND Steve!”
Jesus is the meat in the marriage sandwich.
Fond as I am of Jesus, I don’t like him “that way.” If any deity’s going to be taking part in bedroom time at my house, I’ve got no complaints with Hathor.
I didn’t know women with cow heads were what did it for you.
He’s probably thinking of Stargate SG-1‘s Hathor.
Personally, I just need the cow heads. Not really picky about what they’re attached to.
She’s not always depicted with a cow head. Oddly enough, her SG-1 incarnation bears a pretty good resemblence to some depictions of her I’ve seen.
Regardless, having a wife (or, y’know, significant other of whatever type floats your boat) who considers sex to be a potential act of worship has a lot to recommend it. 😉
She watched Gisney Movies. Like Jesus & Stitch. Or The Lion King of Kings. Beauty and the Jesus.
Snow Jesus and the Thirteen Apostles. The Holy Book. The Aristocatholics.
I would love to see the Gisney version bed knobs and Broomsticks.
Through the proper Prayer Jesus descends with his army and fights the Nazis….
Christerella, The Little Mer-Christ, Pocahontas Converts to Christianity, The Worshipful Hunchback of Notre Dame, Pinocchio (only it’s the love of Christ that makes him a real boy… in Heaven), etc.
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pope
Snow White and the Twelve Apostles
101 Damnations
Nope, pope’s Catholic. Might work if it’s framed as a cautionary tale though.
Wouldn’t “The Lion King of Kings” just be Narnia?
Damn, you beat me to it.
Yes, Joyce, Amber’s the only thing making this whole situation complicated.
Sarah’s going to end up being the world’s most grudging wingperson for Joyce.
Well, surely Frozen wasn’t out when Joyce was a kid… right? How much does the timeline slide again?
Also, is that what your parents or someone actually said about Disney?
Now that she’s in college she could hypothetically go see it without problems. I mean, she’s totally okay with Ethan showing her the shows from when she was a kid that she missed, so I don’t think she’d have a problem.
Actually, now that you mention that, that’s a horrible horrible sentiment, that she just expressed. And I know it’s not just her that espouses it, but every time I hear it I am appalled all over again. It’s the idea that people can’t actually be happy, and it goes hand in hand with the idea that people can’t be any good or worth anything on their own. When you claim that all good comes only from god and directly from god, you’re actually saying that nothing is good and that everything is horrible. It’s like when bad fanfic writers make all the characters horrible and stupid and mean in a desperate and ineffective effort to make their Mary Sue seem halfway decent – except applied to the entire human race, even themselves.
I know that to these people, their imaginary friend is there making them and only them special. But to me, keeping in mind that I still notice what a small-minded little serial killer their Mary Sue is – its nothing a way of denying my humanity so that I may be denigrated and treated like dirt. It was already a pretty big insult to pretend that that thing is better than me, even before you get into denying the worth of everything I’ve ever been or done.
I hate it too. It brings back a lyric from Bo Burnham in his song “From God’s Perspective” where he says
Noone entertains the the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.
You pray so badly for heaven, Knowing each day could be the day that you die,
But maybe earth could be heaven. Doesn’t that that make it almost worth a try?
It wasn’t out when Joyce was a kid now. In a month, Joyce will have been like 14 when it came out…
Not to mention that while ‘an other girl may come along and mess it up…”
Joyce does insist on forgetting that she is not talking about a ‘boy’ she is talking about Ethan…who while outwardly may be male is not attracted to the opposite sex, so to speak.”….She KNOWS that.
…BUT she thinks that could change, and he’s only backed up that erroneous belief.
She’s so wrong that it’s come full circle.
Has it? I really think it’s more of a squiggle that doesn’t even come close to closing the loop.
So Joyce is obsessed with marrying a boy who isn’t interested in her, and is blaming another girl on messing this plan up even though the dude wasn’t really on board to begin with and the other girl was actually there first?
She really hasn’t changed that much between universes, has she?
Well, sort of. Roomies Joyce was pretty psychotic at times. Dumbing Joyce is having a 13-year old style fantasy romantic (fueled by her ignorance and her willing naivety) with a gay man who is happy to enable her in that fantasy, as it fuels his fantasy of somehow achieving happiness by repressing his own sexuality for the rest of…forever, apparently.
Joyce is upset by the fact that prior relationships never factored into her 13-year old style fantasy romance (again, ignorance and willing naivety) and also by the fact that Ethan apparently has deep feeling for a person whom, as far as Joyce knows, is really into screaming and physical assault. It’s a little complicated.
She isnt interested in Ethan, she’s interested in a puritanical, platonic marriage she has been taught by her parents, her awful Christian fiction and her own hangups about sexuality. Her upbringing has basically destroyed her chances at living a normal life unless she is reprogrammed from the ground up.
I could point you to a dream sequence of hers that indicates she is very much interested in Ethan.
Considering that dream, I’d say some combination of your and Stranger’s points comes closer to Joyce.
Desperately wanting sex and being utterly horrified of it unfortunately going hand in hand for the poor girl. The USA’s society as a whole pretty much has a twisted relationship with sex and sexuality.
Yea, kind of hoping her first time eventually gets some web pages, probably would be epic (and hysterically funny).
For a second I thought you were suggesting Joyce’s first time be documented and posted on the internet in their universe. Would it get more hits than the Roz/Joe video?
Psst – don’t tell Joyce about love triangles…
How many love stories are there in the Bible?
There’s Jacob and Rachel, but that’s the Old Testament, which all good Christians know doesn’t count.
Unless you want it to count for gay reasons, anyway.
If a sentence doesn’t work for me, I can just take part of it, right?
The hardcore of The Reformation was about he OT counting VERY much.
Ask instead how many love stories in the Bible turned out well.
Ask instead how many love stories in history aren’t horrific and awful by today’s standards.
Well the human race is still here, so I guess those crazy Adam and Eve kids made it through all right.
For a second I thought you were talking about Adam and Eve’s kids, which prompted the mental reaction ‘about half of them, anyway’. Though that’s ignoring the fact they had countless other kids who all went around boning each other. (Cain instead boned the ladies from the next community over, and thus dodged the incest bullet.)
On top of my head, I can remember Tamar’s story: A prince gets creepily infatuated with his own sisters, rapes her, she become insane, her other brother murders the rapist, is exiled, rebels against his father the king, rapes the concubines of his father in a balcony so everybody can watch it and tell his dad, and is skewered.
There is also the story of Sarah. The demon Asmodeus was in love with her, so he killed all of her husbands. The next victim, I mean, groom, was the young Tobias, who managed to defeat Asmodeus with the help of Saint Rafael.
And there is also the story of Jacob. who wished to marry Rachel, and since he didn’t have money to pay a bride’s price he had to work for seven years for free for her father Laban…and then Laban tricked him into marrying his ugliest daughter, Leah, instead, forcing Jacob to work another seven years to get the girl he wanted, Rachel, as second wife. But don’t worry, God helped Jacob to steal Laban’s cattle, so it’s all right.
Those certainly aren’t Disney love stories.
You have to wonder how Joyce’s parents expected her to survive in normal society, keeping her so isolated from the world.
You also have to wonder how they expected her to find a husband, specially taking into account that her church is a small non-denominational one, so she can use it as dating service.
In the original Walkyverse Joyce’s parents weren’t really very religious people, they just choose to educate their children that way because they expected them to avoid committing the same error as they did (like getting pregnant too young)…are they the same in the Dumbingverse?
I’m a little surprised you didn’t mention the rape of Dina. That’s a totally messed up story that knows how messed up it is — note that God does not weigh in, nobody tells the characters (and the audience) who is right, it just leaves a painful moral quandary hanging in the air.
I could name several others, but yeah, there are dark and difficult stories in there, ones that don’t tie up in neat little bows.
Also, as a rabbi’s kid, Jacob and Rachel were presented as an actual love story (although we always felt bad for Leah).
….so if the Bible was where Joyce got her ideas of romance from, she’d be complaining that things weren’t twisted and horrible enough.
Yeah, but pretty much the whole bible is like that, and yet its readers are all about how wonderful everything is, and how their god is the god of love. I’ve sometimes wondered, how do these people even pretend it’s a “good book”, and their god is a nice guy? Speaking of the ones who actually read the thing, as opposed to the ones who just own it.
When I was a kid they told us that, with a few exceptions, we shouldn’t consider the characters from the Old Testament moral examples, because they were basically Bronze Age barbarians, but God had a plan and used what he had at hand (and no, they didn’t explained us how to concile that with an Omnipotent God).
As a matter of fact, they remarked that even the Apostles and Disciples were quite average people; they just met Jesus and decided to follow him, and that changed their lives.
What made stop being religious wasn’t that stuff, but the lack of rational answers.
I think that the issue of people who claim to be very religious and doesn’t read the Bible is more an American thing. Many (most?) Europeans aren’t religious at all, but those few that are tend to read and study the Bible.
Joyce can’t watch My Little Pony because it says friendship is magic and magic is of course the work of the devil
Sucks for her!
She’ll be missing out on an upcoming episode with Wierd Al!
How late in the season is that episode? I watch all of them anyway, but the anticipation of polka is killing me!
Is that a real thing?
…Shit. Now I need to watch it.
Yes, the episode comes out in a month and this is the most excited I’ve been for an episode since I started watching the show.
yep and Fluttershy is now my fav vampire
1 Fluttershy
2 Alacard
3 Lestat
But…Jesus is friendship…whcih mean…
…Jesus is Magic!
Yes, Joyce should totally watch the Sarah Silverman special “Jesus is Magic”! It sounds right up her alley!
Disney knew of your comic, Willis. They released Frozen just to ruin your joke!
DISNEY KNOWS ALL.
Damn, I was going to say something about how the real world isn’t a freaking cinderella movie come to life, but apparently she doesn’t know who the hell that is
In reference to the alt text, you only missed out on pure Nightmare Fuel. I still have the mental scars….O_o
Never watched the second one. The first one though had that surprisingly creepy head-in-a-book as the villain.
As a kid I had a theory that was Maleficent’s head. It looked and sounded rather like her.
Where is the alt text? I keep seeing people talking about it but I’ve never actually seen it.
Mouse-over the comic to read it.
Girl couldn’t even watch Disney films? No wonder she’s so screwed up.
True story, I had a friend when I was eight (I say friend, our moms were friends, so I’d get brought over every now and again to play so they could drink coffee and chat) who was very much a male Joyce.
Dude had pretty much no secular forms of entertainment at all. Every book on his shelf was picture Bible stories, every cassette tape was inspirational music, and every movie or TV show was Christian.
I was allowed to bring over the occasional tape for us to watch, but his mom vetted them all. Sleeping Beauty? No good, Maleficent explicitly says she has the powers of Hell. Fantasia? Nope, Satan’s in it (Well, Chernobog, same diff). Freaking Cinderella?! No, the cat is named Lucifer.
I got an entire lecture about E.T.; not only was it rated PG (and thus banned by default) but apparently he’s a secular Christ metaphor. Comes from above, can heal with a touch, has a glowing heart, dies for our sins and resurrects only to rise back into the heavens.
It’s been about 15 years since I last saw that kid, but last I heard he was in trouble with drugs and kicked out of school. Joyce turned out comparatively well.
I would of brought over Raiders of the Lost ark just to see what happens.
How do amish folk pull it off?
By not watching movies? (Or have they caved on that now?)
They get a year off at 19 to decide whether they want to go live in the outside world or return to their roots.
Also, I imagine they could read any book they want, but I don’t know whether that’s true.
Yeah, Rumspringa. But not every group of Amish does that.
Yeah, but by “live in the outside world” they really mean “visit other Amish communities.” Yes the kids travel, but they don’t really see very much of the Actual Outside World.
I guess they do get to meet people while sitting on the cross-country bus going from one Amish town the next… Hey, is Grayhound even still in business? I wonder how they go traveling now-a-days?
Oddly enough, a lot of Amish kids on Rumspringa in Indiana develop serious meth habits.
wompwomp
Jesus had a glowing heart? Neat!
I want to see a version of the Jesus story televised where he has that. Throw in an extensible neck and it’s be even better!
Probably not literally, but it’s often depicted that way in art.
After he was taken down from the cross, he had metal shards left in his chest that, left untreated, would kill him, so he spent his three days in the cave building an ARC reactor and…
I think I may have mixed up my stories again.
And then he rose up into the sky through magical power shooting out from holes in his hands and feet?
You people are terrible, and I mean that in a good way.
Oof. That poor guy.
“No good, Maleficent explicitly says she has the powers of Hell.”
…Does that not mean that her beliefs are explicitly true in that movie? It’s not like the power of Hell is portrayed as a positive thing (it’s not is it? I’ve never actually seen that movie).
I was eight, I didn’t have an actual debate on the matter.
On the plus side, Frozen had the best “punch line” of any Disney movie I can recall.
Jeez, Willis. Of all the moments knowing Joyce is autobiographical makes the comic cringe-inducing, this one is especially cutting.
I enjoyed Frozen. Not as much as Wreck It Ralph but still enjoyable. And ‘Let it Go’ is one of the most memorable movie songs since ‘The Touch’.
But watching Joyce slowly decend into madness shouldn’t be this funny. :/
I was always told that Disney movies promoted eastern religion.
yep.
That movie Hercules? nothing but a subliminal message to convert to Hindu.
Mulan was, ironically, trying to make children worship the Norse gods.
Disney likes to keep the parents on their toes.
Oh Thank You Willis, how I missed seeing those crazy-ass Joyce reaction faces.
Wait, I just read the hovertext, is that for real? What, if you could fight Satan but Jesus hadn’t shown up yet, you’d have to just wait around for permission? If Satan is the greatest evil, why would there ever be a downside to defeating him? So if you’re down on your luck, God’s all “I help those who help themselves”, but if Satan’s screwing things up, God’s like “Stop being independent, asshole!” ?
The hovertext is for real. I was allowed to be into Care Bears until that movie happened.
But wasn’t the whole series about promoting happiness? Presumably with similarly few interventions by God?
My mom didn’t let me play with pokem till I was like 11 because she that they reminded her demons, true story
But it wasn’t Satan it was DARRRRRK HEEEEEAAAAART
But the care bears have magical powers that come from places other than God! I have a fundie friend who was raised without being allowed to watch or read anything with magic, mythology, or otherwise pagan based inspirations. The only exceptions they made were for Lord of the Rings and the Chronicles of Narnia, since the magic in both of those cases was somehow God based. Science fiction was OK of course, so he was a Star Trek guy. Star Wars has non-Christian stuff, so no go there. I met him in college, needless to say he also had to do some adjusting.
http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=151
You mean you were never allowed to have “Time for a game of DIsappEaring BEArs”?
Frankly I’m just more concerned that the Care Bears were fighting Satan.
Hey, better them than me.
I’m confused here. Better than you fighting Satan, or better than the Care Bears fighting you?
Yes.
Ah, an ally.
And coincidentally, yesterday was the day I finally got around to seeing Frozen. It was good, didn’t see some of those twists coming, especially about ‘you know who’.
It’s okay, Joyce won’t have watched it until a year from now. Yay sliding timelines!
Besides, Satan doesn’t exist. So what’s the worry anyway.
Never heard a sillier argument in my life than: “But Satan must exist because God does: if there is Good, there must be Evil”.
Yup, well thought out logic there.
(thought I’d liven up chat tonight, kinda quiet in here 🙂
NO,NO! We just got done putting an end to a fucking 4 day racial dispute, we are not starting a conversation about religious views, were talking about disney tonight damnit its fun, its magical, and it doesn’t piss people off
And Disney absolutely doesn’t have a long history of casual racism.
I’ve just been handed a note…
They what? Well shit…
You said it first, Rex, but I just wanted to add “Ayep. No race issues present in Disney no sirree no way nohow.”
So, what did the note say?
I hate being that guy, but I can’t resist pointing out that appropriate avatar is appropriate.
Hey now, no stealing John Stewart’s Schtick.
Rite, the ugly side of Disney I forgot…try to focuse on the magical part
If Satan was real, my favorite TV shows would be back on the air by now! Hmph. Apparently Satan takes everyone else’s souls and helps them with guitar but I offer up my soul for more Animaniacs and I get nothing!
This one time I waited at the crossroads all night with my ukulele. Bastard never showed up.
Ukulele? Don’t blame him for not showing, he did you a favour.
Animaniacs are back on the air
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZDlztUAS3c
From what I was told, it’s only reruns though. I want brand-spanking new episodes! I also already have all the episodes on DVDs.
You said nothing about new episodes in the original post.
in other words…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqbjDbnBWgo
I also love that argument, since it’s essentially derived from Zoroastrianism and the very Eastern conception of balance.
…of course everything in Christianity is derived from coughstolencough some other religion, so as to make it more appealing to a mid 4th century Roman, but…
Also, panel 2 Joyce is one of my favorite Joyce-faces.
Does anyone remember the sex scene from the bible where Lot has drunk sex in a cave? With his daughters?
Genesis 19:30-36
I always wondered how, if they had indeed gotten him so drunk he didn’t recognize his own daughters, he was even able to get it up. As Shakespeare wrote: “It provokes the desire, but takes away the performance […] makes him stand to, and not stand to.”
Not like the bible to contradict itself…
You’re right that the Bible very often contradicts itself, but this isn’t one of those cases, because there aren’t any other passages about men procreating while stone drunk, successfully or unsuccessfully. Rather, the story of Lot and his daughters in the cave contradicts basic physiology.
I an now I am reminded of the only good scene in Porky’s II
http://youtu.be/xfd_onig3NU?t=30m35s
“AND HE OPENED HER WOMB!“
Well there’s also that time David helped murder a guy so he could marry the wife. THAT’S a way to overcome a romantic rival, I guess.
I should clarify that I meant King David from the bible, not David Willis. That I know of.
Man, Maggie wishes.
Or the part before that, where he offers them up to the town mob, so they wouldn’t rape the visiting angel?
Relevant comic by Randy Milholland
Some commentators in fact state that the daughters’ rape of their father was Lot’s punishment for having done so.
Panel 2: Finally a Joyce face that isn’t cute.
Does anyone remember Adam’s first wife Lilith? Who was banned from Eden because she wanted to be on top.
Gasp AMBER IS LILITH!!!! And Joyce considers herself as Eve. Not really. but really.
Didn’t Adam have a second wife between Lilith and Eve?
Yup, Adam’s second wife was the one who was created from the inside out, which grossed out Adam too much for him to be around her after seeing it. Of course, I get my religious information from Neil Gaiman’s Sandman so I could be wrong.
Lilith? Who?
What in the world are you talking about?
Adam had a first wife name Lilith who God created for him so he wouldn’t be lonely in the Garden of Eden. Turns out she wanted to be the dominant one in the relationship, so Adam complained to God, he threw her out of the garden and she ended up becoming the mother of monsters or the first vampire or something like that.
I always thought she was the source of the people that Adam and Eve’s kids married, because otherwise the incest was pretty strong.
It’d still be incest, seeing as Adam is still the only man in this equation. Honestly, I don’t think the ancients ever had trouble with the incest angle.
True, but it was slightly less incesty. And, yea, I always figured the incest thing wasn’t a big deal back then, from what I could tell; after all, nobody said anything about the whole human race coming from Noah and his kids after the flood. There would be some major inbreeding issues there as well. But boy, asking about Adam and Eve and who their kids married sure was a fun way to get the fundies all hot and bothered.
Worth noting is that the story of Lilith as Adam’s wife does not actually originate in the Bible, but the earliest form of that story is generally believed to be the Alphabet of Ben Sirach, written somewhere between the 8th and 10th century AD. Well before that, she was a figure in Jewish and Mesopotamian (though this is debated by scholars) mythologies.
Do any of the stories in the Bible actually originate in the Bible? My guess would be no.
Well, sure, but the difference is that “Lilith as Adam’s wife” was basically a fan-fiction written centuries after the fact in an attempt to retcon her into the biblical account.
So the Bible is like a comic book. People are always arguing about what is and isn’t in continuity.
Exactly! And the way some writers handled God, especially before the “Gospels” crossover event established a completely new status quo? He’s pretty much the same character in name only.
And then some weird shit involving Angels and giant robots happened.
Yea, I had a really amusing exchange with a religious fundie, who, when I brought up Lilith, told me that she would have nothing to do with my satanic bible. At least 20 people who were following the thread took the opportunity to tell her that she apparently had never read the very Bible she claimed to be following to the letter. She disappeared from the forum after that.
Lilith actually doesn’t appear in the Bible itself, except maybe in Isaiah 34:14 (“There [in the desert] shall the Lilith repose, and find for herself a place to rest”), depending on whether the Hebrew lilit there is understood as a demon or–following the context of the verses before and after–as a nocturnal bird (e.g. “screech-owl” as in King James) or an indeterminate night creature. The folklore around her, be it as a snatcher of babies, a succubus, or the world’s first feminist–all that is post-biblical.
Interesting, I did not know that, I always assumed that it was part of the Bible that got purged later. I learned something today, thanks.
While Frozen subverts the typical Disney movie romance idea in just about every other way, I don’t remember anything about an ex.
SPOILERS: pretty sure one character ends up with an ex-fiance
Also SPOILERS: I’m not sure it counts when you’re unlikely to regret that the ex is an ex. (And Enchanted kinda got there first.)
If it only “counts” if everybody regrets that the ex is an ex, then why are there exes at all?
I don’t consider that a real relationship since he was never sincere.
Pretty sure people with insincere partners still consider that a relationship. Not a GOOD one, but still.
Frozen isn’t the first Disney movie with an ex (though in the one I’m thinking of, the ex isn’t on screen), though. Megara from Hercules ends up in Hades’ clutches after she saves her boyfriend who promptly makes himself an ex by chasing another woman as thanks.
I am guilty of having my ideas of love strongly inspired by fiction, to the point where for a very long time I couldn’t be happy with somebody who had had sex with somebody else, a problem that was exacerbated by my asexuality and dislike for the role of sex in society. I’m past that stage now, but that lasted into adulthood and my life would have been a lot easier if fiction didn’t give me an idealistic and optimistic view of relationships that just almost never happens in the real world.
I’ve had similar problems. In media relationships just sort of happen, so I got the idea that it wasn’t right to try and force a friendship. I never learned to initiate relationships with other people and just took an “if it was meant to happen it will” approach to life.
Don’t get me started on the implications on romance.
I’m curious where Joyce gets that idea then. I don’t recall it from the Bible.
Somebody needs to have the “Ethan is never going to marry you unless he’s even dumber than he looks” talk with Joyce.
somebody should show joyce enchanted >,>
I’m amused imagining the extent to which Joyce would be alternately captivated and scandalized by Twilight
More captivated than scandalized, apparently.
Her parents must not have realized that it’s not just abstinence porn, it’s Mormon abstinence porn.
Mormons are okay now that they run for office against evil black Democrat Socialists from Kenya.
So does that mean that Mormons drink Powerthirst now?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs
LOVE the Susan avatar.
How about the Hunger Games, it’s basically Mormonism replaced with Secular Protestantism.
Or Harry Potter which screams “Catholic boarding school are fucking awesome!” all the way through.
I’m angry at Joyce, which wouldn’t be fair even if she were a real person.
So on this website we regularly have the rallying cry of DAMN YOU WILLIS
Now on this website, Willis is crying out DAMN YOU FROZEN
We’ve begun a Pay It Forward but with damnings
We’ve started a Damn It Forward
Who will Frozen damn?
WWFD
Hans and the Duke?
Pocahontas 2 also allowed for the possibility of ex’s, but that was a straight to DVD so no one saw it.
Not only straight to DVD, but straight to DVD clearance bin.
Frozen isn’t out yet in my country, so the joke retains its full potency. Score one for unnecessary localization!
Oh god, now *I* am hyperventilating! It keeps happening even as I type this. My gravestone will read “slain by alt-text”. Seriously.
Religious-based censorship and supression is the dumbest thing western civilization still clings to. The idea that your kids will probably take more damage from your retarded fundamentalism than anything Hollywood shows them really needs to be emphasized more.
Totally a Western Civilization thing, yes.
And totally true too! Growing up in a strict religious household tends to make you totally unprepared for the real world…been there, done that. And is it a totally western civilization thing? I’d say that it’s not.
Not to mention that the kids from the strictist religous homes tend to be wildest when they escape the family home. I saw so many preachers daughters who went into totally batshit crazy alcohol and slut mode in University.
Hasn’t Joyce seen The Parent Trap? Or was the original not a Disney film?
pretty sure the original was Disney.
The Parent Trap is a movie in which a married couple gets back together. No new romantic interest is triumphant.
(though the implication is they’re only talking about the cartoons)
Pretty sure Joyce wouldn’t have gotten to see a movie about divorce, anyway.
But what if the father’s new wife married the mother’s new husband? Would that defy her ideals of love?
And how about the main characters of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, all ending up with the wrong person before they are enchanted to fall in love with Mr./Miss Right?
Or King Henry VIII and Catherine, who was his sister-in-law before Prince Arthur died? (Not even touching Henry’s other wives…)
….why do I want someone to ask Joyce about the Brady Bunch now?
Actually those kind of movies seem to promote the idea that marriage is sacred: once you tied the knot, you’re not allowed to go separate ways. You can create love for yourself if you just try hard enough.
*cough* Pocahontas 2 *cough*
Nobody’s seen Pocahontas 2.
I did. Must’ve missed those parts where she gives up her culture to please a bunch of white people and then dies of smallpox.
*laugh* I wish. For some reason my sister got it for my niece and so I’ve seen it a few too many times back when I was babysitting
Not as many times as I’ve seen all the Cats vs Dogs movies, mind….
There is no such thing as Pocahontas 2. It never happened, and never well.
Exactly. It is amazing how often people get confused about this stuff. Did you know there are people who insist to this day to me that the Matrix had two sequels and that Star Wars had some kind of prequel trilogy? How delusional can you get?
I’d like to see when you walk out of the theater and your friend says, “God, that was a horrible movie…” and you give them a blank stare.
Nothri, I’ve heard the same slanderous rumors. It’s amazing what some folks will make up to entertain themselves!
I know People think there was more then one highlander film.
It had a spin off series that ended at the fourth season. but was never made into a movie where they killed off Connor or a direct to Syfy moive that kills off everything that was still good about the franchise. And then defiles it’s still warm corpse…..IT Never Happened!
DARKHEART!
Also at the end of Care Bears 2 everyone has a pool party with Satan, so I have a feeling Joyce’s parents wouldn’t like that, either.
Kinda surprised it wasn’t because of the AFA boycott; that’s why I wasn’t allowed to wear a Winnie the Pooh shirt to my Christian ‘school.’
(At home, even my parents weren’t hardcore enough to isolate us from Disney.)
Those borderless white hangers are putting me on edge. Anyone else?
My parents wouldn’t let me watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because they were “evil.” Evil in this case meaning they followed another religion. Having never watched more than a few episodes, I have to ask – was there religion in those?
Zen Buddhism, maybe…
Pizza-ism.
All hail Pizza Rico who ate himself for our sins…
If you ate yourself, wouldn’t you just turn inside out due to conservation of matter?
Or rather, I suppose you’d end up dissolving inside your own stomach, leaving only the remnants of your digestive system. Basically, a stomach attached to your mouth via an esophagus.
If you tried to eat any of that, it wouldn’t really go anywhere… although you might manage to spill the contents of your stomach.
Given that their most often shouted benediction includes a cow, probably Hinduism.
All the facepalms in the world wouldn’t be enough…
They do?
I just realized, they’ll never be able to see Frozen in theaters. Right now, in-universe, it’s like mid octoberish? And since the comic always takes place in whatever year it is IRL, by the time it’s November in the comic it’ll be November 2018.
It can’t ever have come out LAST December?
Joyce needs to watch the Disney films, especially Beauty and the Beast and take HORRIBLE lessons from them.
DO IT, WILLIS! DO IT!
BTW, is it wrong that Joyce was originally created as Dan’s stalker but now is much too good for him?
*slams head down repeatedly* WHY DO THESE PEOPLE EVEN EXIST!!! IT BURNS!!!!